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By Orion and Noda
Muffled, distant voices filtered through the haze of Kathryn's mind. A brightness coming from the other side of her eyelids was most irritating and she squeezed them shut tighter, worsening the painful throb in her head. A moan escaped her lips and the voices drew nearer. Why won't they shut up?she thought.
"Kathryn?" she heard one of them ask quietly.
That voice sounded familiar. Chakotay? Why was Chakotay here? For that matter, where was 'here?' Kathryn slowly opened eyes which were both dry and sticky at the same time. The glare from the lights above her felt like they could have burned her retinas if she hadn't immediately closed them again.
"Kathryn?" He called more strongly this time.
"Chakotay," her voice croaked out the name. She tried opening her eyes again, this time squinting them against the harsh lighting. "Where am I?" she asked, looking at the dark-haired man standing over her.
"You're in sickbay," he answered, staring at her intently. "You have radiation poisoning."
"Oh." The fog occupying her brain began to clear and memories of her shuttle ride came flooding back to her. "How long have I been unconscious?"
"Three hours. How do you feel?"
"Not very well."
"I've no doubt about that with the high amount of radiation you subjected yourself to," the Doctor said admonishingly from halfway across the room. "You're lucky to be here." He walked over to the biobed Kathryn was lying on. "Please," he said, holding up the hypospray he had just prepared. Kathryn turned her head to the side, allowing him to administer the medication more easily. "This will help ease your symptoms. Although I'd like you to remain in sickbay for the next twenty-four hours."
"Is that necessary?" Kathryn asked, sitting up despite the churning in her stomach and the pounding in her head.
"I'm afraid so, Captain," the Doctor said. "I need to determine whether you sustained any permanent internal damage. My preliminary exam was negative, but sometimes the effects of the radiation won't show up for hours after exposure." The Doctor looked from Kathryn to Chakotay. "I'll let you two alone," he said, and walked away.
Kathryn felt the medication beginning to take effect as the pain in her head was slowly abating. She glanced up to find Chakotay watching her, a combination of anger, concern, and disappointment filling his expression. She could handle the concern, even the anger. But it was the disappointment that made her drop her gaze and study her hands folded loosely in her lap.
"I expect you to stay put for twenty-four hours," Chakotay said evenly. "I'll check on you tomorrow." Then he turned and walked out of sickbay.
Kathryn glanced up in time to see the door closing behind his back. The same back her fingers had memorized only hours before. She rubbed her hands together as if that action alone could bring the feel of his smooth skin to her palms again. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to indulge in the visions of their love making. How could a night begin so right and turn out so wrong? She opened her eyes and gazed stonily at the closed sickbay doors. It was her fault, as usual.
She felt bad in more ways than one. The consolation of having gathered an amount of berthold rays was small, but one none-the-less. At least she had helped the crew in a sense. As for Chakotay…what must he think of her? Kathryn laid back down on the biobed and closed her eyes.
*****
Chakotay left sickbay and headed toward the bridge. Working on about an hour's sleep, and after the events of last night he wasn't in the best of moods. His relief of finding out Kathryn would most likely be O.K. had been quickly replaced by anger and frustration over her behavior. All of her behavior. He hadn't questioned her in sickbay about it. Besides not wanting the Doctor to overhear, he just hadn't been able to bring himself to ask her. Ask her why. After knowing her for five years he hadn't thought her capable of such deception.
The doors to the turbolift opened onto the bridge and Chakotay stepped out. Tomorrow he would get his answers.
*****
The next day Chakotay found himself busy the entire morning and into the afternoon. He had wanted to oversee the procedure to reinitialize the dilithium crystals. Taking hours to set up and finally begin, it soon became apparent Federation technology was unable to handle the strength of the berthold rays. When threatened with a warp core breach, they had no alternative but to transport the harnessed rays back into space.
It wasn't until 14:00 that Chakotay had the opportunity to head to sickbay only to be told Kathryn had been discharged to her quarters an hour earlier. The Doctor had declared her free of radiation poisoning, but had requested she take it easy for the remainder of the day, adding that whether she followed his advice or not was beyond his control. "She may have a slight headache for a few days, but she'll survive," he said. Chakotay thanked him and went in search of his Captain.
*****
Kathryn had left sickbay and gone directly to her quarters. She had been glad to get away from the Doctor's disapproving glances. Who did he think he was, giving her looks as if to pass judgment on her, the Captain?? He was a hologram for God's sake! She had only done what needed to be done. She had also been glad to have gotten away before Chakotay had time to seek her out. She wasn't ready to face him. She needed more time.
As soon as she had returned to her quarters she had taken a shower and changed into a fresh uniform. She felt much better than yesterday, although didn't quite have her full strength back yet. Her main concern, however, was the collected berthold rays. She called B'Elanna, via comm badge, only to be informed of their unfortunate fate. Kathryn decided she needed to read the full report now instead of tomorrow and she headed for her door, her intended destination-engineering. As she stepped out into the corridor she saw Chakotay, who she assumed would be on the bridge, approaching her from the right.
"Kathryn," he said, stopping in front of her.
"Chakotay," she said, trying not to show she had been caught off guard.
"Where are you going?"
"Engineering." She thought she detected an underlying thread of anger in his voice.
"Aren't you supposed to be resting?"
"I've rested enough today. I feel fine."
"Good, then we can go inside and talk."
She didn't want to have to deal with this now. She began to step away from him. "I told you, I'm going…"
"Now!" Chakotay burst out and she jumped. He took a hold of her upper arm and began pulling her toward the door.
As Chakotay's fingers bit into her flesh Kathryn looked around but found the corridor empty. "Let me go," she hissed through clenched teeth, trying to tug her arm free. "You're hurting me!" She was unable to put her full effort to her struggle because of her weakened condition.
Chakotay didn't ask her to open the door, but instead punched in his override code. "You should be thankful you're feeling pain," he said as the door opened and he hauled her inside. "It means you didn't kill yourself with your foolish escapade!" Only when the door closed behind them did he released her.
Kathryn's hand came up and rubbed her arm where her blood flow had been cut off and now pulsed again. Walking a few paces away from Chakotay, she stared out of the viewport. She was not ready to have this conversation. She could feel Chakotay's eyes boring into her back.
"Why'd you take the shuttle, Kathryn? Why'd you risk your life for nothing!?"
Kathryn folded her arms across her chest but didn't turn around when she spoke. "All right! So you were right! It was all for nothing," she admitted. "But it was something I had to do, OK?"
Chakotay grabbed her shoulders and spun her around to face him. "Look at me!" he insisted. She saw him take a deep breath. "Was making love to me 'something you had to do,' too?" he asked, dropping his hands.
"No!" she said, her voice a harsh whisper.
"You knew what you were doing, didn't you? You had it all planned out, right down to our 'romantic' interlude. You slept with me to distract me," he accused. "Letting me make love to you was all a part of the deception!"
"No! It wasn't, Chakotay!" She had known he would misinterpret her actions. She should have spoken with him earlier about it, but she hadn't wanted to get into why she had taken the shuttle in the first place.
"You said you loved me," Chakotay said more quietly. "Was that a lie?"
"No, I do love you, dammit!" Kathryn said, and they both fell silent. His eyes searched her face as if he would be able to find the truth written there. Kathryn began speaking again, this time more calmly. "I never intended to make love to you that night. But when I kissed you to thank you I knew I wouldn't be able to stop. I didn't want to stop. And I wanted you to know how I felt, if only for that one time."
Chakotay stared at her. "I don't know what to say." He reached up and caressed her cheek with the backs of his fingers. "I didn't know you felt this way."
"Well, now you know," Kathryn said. She was relieved it was finally out in the open, yet she felt strangely vulnerable at the same time.
"I'm glad I know. I've been waiting for a long time," Chakotay gave her a small smile, then his look turned serious again. "I still want to know why you took the shuttle," he said, and Kathryn looked away. "I thought we has discussed the matter and it had been settled. Kathryn, you told me you were O.K, but you're not, are you?"
Kathryn's averted gaze dropped lower to the floor. Now she didn't know what to say. She could hide it no longer. Not here. Not now. Not with Chakotay. Tears glistened in her eyes as Chakotay's hand raised her chin to look at him. "You're not O.K. are you, Kathryn?" he asked again. "There's some kind of war going on inside of you."
Chakotay dropped his hand and Kathryn shook her head slowly. "Don't you see?" she pleaded. "I've ruined their lives."
"Whose lives?"
"The crew's!" she said in frustration, throwing her arms out to the sides. She walked by him and he turned to watch her. "I've ripped them away from their homes and families. I had to do something!"
"You don't owe them your life, Kathryn!"
Kathryn turned around, her tears spilling over to run down her cheeks. "I owe them something," she said, feeling totally helpless and at a loss. She reached up and wiped her tears away with the sleeve covering her forearm.
Chakotay walked up to her and took her two hands in his. "The only thing you owe them is to be their captain. Which you do quite well, I might add. But you can't be their captain if you're not around, can you?"
"No," she answered softly.
"I want you to stop feeling guilty. You've done nothing wrong, and they know that. No one blames you for our being in the Delta Quadrant. I don't know how else to convince you of that. You're a great captain, Kathryn, and there's not one crewman on board who would disagree with me. The only thing they expect from their captain, is for her to do her best. And if she makes a mistake, that's O.K. too. There isn't one among us who doesn't."
Kathryn sniffed and squeezed his hands. "You present a good case, counselor," she said.
"I know. There's one more thing, Kathryn," he said holding her eyes with his.
"What's that?"
"The Doctor and I want you to talk to someone about this." He saw her face fall and he quickly continued. "Whether it's him, me, or maybe Tuvok if you'd like. I don't want you hurting anymore."
"Chakotay, I don't need…," she began, but realized it would be a losing battle. He had a very determined look on his face and she didn't have the energy to argue anymore. And they were right, she did need to talk to someone. She couldn't go on like this much longer. "All right. I'll do it," she said, new tears springing to her eyes. This time they were tears of relief.
"Come here," Chakotay said, pulling her against him and enveloping her in his strong embrace. "I love you, Kathryn," he whispered into her hair. "You'll get through this. No. We will get through this."
*****
Two weeks later Kathryn walked out of her bedroom and paused to view the table laid out before her. Flowers, taken from the hydroponics bay, sat in a crystal vase adorning its center. One candle sat to either side, their bright flames flickering in the rush of air her motion had created. Perfect. In a purely nervous gesture, her hands smoothed down the long gold blouse she wore over black leggings. She felt like a teenager going out on her first date. She and Chakotay were having dinner. They hadn't been intimate since the night of her fateful shuttle ride, but instead had agreed to take things more slowly. So technically, this was their first date together.
Her door chimed.
"Come in," she called.
Her door opened and Chakotay entered. He obviously had taken the time to change, as he also was dressed casually. "I hope I'm not too late. I got held up in astrometrics," he said, his eyes scanning the table.
"You're right on time."
"The table looks lovely," Chakotay said. He leaned down and kissed her cheek. "And so do you," he whispered. "I brought us something." He produced a bottle of wine and two glasses which he had been holding behind his back with one hand.
Kathryn took the glasses and set them on the table while Chakotay began opening the wine. "Thank you," she said. "For the wine and the compliment."
Chakotay smiled at her. "It's true. You are lovely."
"Trying to get in good with the captain?"
"Oh, I hope so," he chuckled.
Kathryn walked over to the replicator. "Is pasta O.K?" she asked.
"Pasta will be fine," he answered, and began filling their glasses with the sweet red liquid.
She turned around with their plates and placed them on the table. "Careful, they're very hot," she warned.
"We can sit and enjoy our drinks until it cools a bit," he said, pulling her chair out for her. Kathryn sat down and Chakotay did the same. Facing her across the table he asked, "How did your talk with Tuvok go?"
She set her wineglass down after taking a sip. "You know Tuvok. He told me guilt is an unproductive human emotion, therefore illogical," she said with a wry grin.
"Indeed," he said, raising one eyebrow which caused them both to laugh.
"But," she continued more soberly, "he is a good listener. And a good friend who I've known for a long time. With his clear thinking and no nonsense explanations he's helped me see things I wasn't able to before."
"I'm glad," Chakotay said, picking up his glass and drinking from it.
"I think he almost knows me better than I know myself," she commented.
Chakotay set his glass down again and looked at Kathryn. "He probably does," he admitted, staring into her eyes.
Kathryn felt as if he was touching her inside and out. Her hand slid across the table and covered his. "It seems someone else does, too."
Chakotay's hand spun and she felt her own hand taken in its grip. With his other hand, he lifted his wineglass. "To getting to know someone better," he said.
Kathryn raised her glass, "To getting to know someone better," she repeated, and the clink of their glasses rang out in the quiet room.
THE END