Probably. I sure surprised my high school friends. <name here>, who’d gone through her anti-social, semi-goth phase during her senior year. I also surprised friends outside of high school. During Thanksgiving break of my sophomore year of college, I was discussing my religious soul-searching with a friend, telling him about my weekly attendance at fellowship and cell group, as well as my desire to pray from time to time, to talk to God. He listened patiently, then expressed his disbelief that a girl once so grounded in her lack of faith could now have an attitude such as I had. My conversation with him led me to question my soul-searching once again.

The whole process of my "finding God" in the first place was really a sequence of events; traumatic events in one’s life that probably commonly leads to this sort of stuff. But then again that could be me bullshitting again. First, I got to college, clear across the country. I did not do too well with the transition to higher education. I was homesick. I missed my friends, and my boyfriend. I did not make the effort to go out and make friends at CMU, probably because I didn’t want to like it; my life at home when I’d left it was probably the peak of my life’s happiness, up to that point. Who would want to leave that? Academically, I was lost. For the first time in my life, I felt "average". I lacked the motivation to study or do homework. This was all a strange feeling to me, cause I’d always felt that I was "born" to go to college. Now that sounds silly, I mean who’s born to go to college? But I thought I was. I was good at studying, good at taking tests, good at staying motivated. So basically, the academic shock that I faced first semester at what arguably is apparently the nation’s top-ranked Computer Science school, was a lot for me to handle. I realized, perhaps for the first time, that I was not actually that great at what I’d been "born" to do. My life lacked so much purpose at that point.

Never in my life had I been surrounded by so many "scientists". In high school, I had taken an art history course with an amazing teacher who taught me to truly appreciate the beauty of seeing into one’s mind or soul through his art. And I loved that. However, I’d lost my passion for art completely by the end of my first semester of college. Its true: CMU turned me into a scientist. I was using words like "optimize" and even occasionally reading slashdot.org: News for Nerds. This seems irrelevant to my whole story on faith right now, but I’m gonna try to tie it in later. Anyway. Back to religion.

By November, I was getting desperate. Though I’d tried to live my life through my friends at home rather than enjoying myself here, it was just not working out. Everyone was disappointing me. My mother never called. My best friend didn’t give a damn about my life because he was too wrapped up in the delusional little world he’d created for himself among strangers at his college. My high school friends had trouble keeping in touch. And my boyfriend tried to be there for me, but he disappointed me time and time again. I was invited to a talk by a member of Asian Christian Fellowship at CMU, and of course, lacking any social interaction whatsoever and not having anything better to do, I went. It was given by a pastor who read lyrics from Indigo Girls and Nine Inch Nails to us, explaining that this was the type of music he loved in college. Well, I was pleased. NIN is awesome. He spoke of his drunken college experiences and his lack of faith. So that caught my attention. But what truly drew me in was when he told us that eventually, everyone that was important in our lives would somehow let us down. And there would only be one who could always be there for us, unconditionally: God. Now, being at such a low point in my life, I felt that these were just the words I needed, the comfort I so eagerly sought to be at peace with myself. I felt that this man was speaking directly to me.

During second semester of my freshman year, I started to attend fellowship regularly. There, I met the most amazing friends and began to enjoy college life for the first time. By the time everything seemed to be falling into place, it was time to go home for the summer. Ah, how reminiscent this was of my experience just the previous August, when everything in California had just been starting to fall into place by the time I had to leave for college. It’s the story of my life. By the time sophomore year started, I had furthered myself into becoming closer to God. I talked to people more about the topic of faith. I attended a cell group. I prayed more often.

We find ourselves, again, then, at Thanksgiving, to the conversation with the friend who made me question where my faith was all over again. I have forgotten the words he used to make me question myself, but it was during that conversation that I realized that there was no way I believed in the underlying idea of the Christian faith. I could maybe believe in God (this, I am still questioning), I could definitely believe in the attitude with which Christians treated others (Well, how could I not? I was born and raised in the U.S., and Western doctrine is based upon Christianity. I was conditioned to believe that it was what was good and right.), but I definitely could not convince myself of the idea of heaven and hell - and therefore the fundamental Christian idea that Jesus Christ was sent to die and save us from our sins was impossible to me.

This realization I kept to myself for awhile. I guess it was the Winter Retreat when everything fell apart. I cried so much that weekend. I spent two days trying to stop myself from crying in public. I was miserable. I did not belong there. Ultimately, what I got out of that weekend was that I did not like the point at which my life was at. Never in a million years did I expect my college experience to be the way its turning out. That weekend, I decided that I needed new friends, outside of fellowship. I decided that this devout, uncreative computer scientist was not who I was meant to be. I decided that although my friends were awesome and I loved them, that they were not the right friends for me.

The retreat was also hard on me in other ways. During the second sermon I listened to, the speaker told us of how he graduated from MIT and was an engineer for five years before giving his life to serve God. He explained that being a Christian was like signing a blank contract: they had to trust God enough to sign at the bottom, only to have the terms filled in later. Well understandably, that whole concept is really scary: giving your life to someone else? Saying that you don’t have control over your own life? Also, the theme of the retreat was "the Fear of the Lord". Well, can you imagine how scary that whole concept was for a non-Christian? How difficult it was to grasp?

There are few people I have said this to, since its probably a horrible thing to say if its actually true, or even if it isn’t. But here is the horrible epiphany I had: perhaps it was not that I could not believe in God; perhaps it was just that I didn’t want to believe. Of course, I know that if this is true, there are huge repercussions to turning away from God. But I guess I feel that if my friend was right – if God was really chasing after me - then how was it that he had not yet caught me? If I really think about it, there are times at which I should be convinced that God is real – aren’t there?

Sometimes when I’m singing during worship, my eyes start to water, and I have to stop and take a moment in order to prevent myself from fully crying. What is this in mere words that are sung as worship songs across the nation that make me want to cry? Other times, I’m walking outside, and I see the beauty of the world and wonder how the day is so nice and think that surely someone must have made it as such. (Yet other times, I’m seeing the same beauty and thinking that there must be a scientific explanation for it.) And of course there are times when my friends are so kind to me - kind to the extent that I do not deserve it – and it, too, makes me wonder. Because I know that to them, their capacity to love others comes from God’s grace. So, apparently, it is supposed to be God’s grace that allows them to be so undeservingly kind to me. And all these – aren’t they signs that God is everywhere, that he is all around me? So I haveta wonder sometimes…is this God’s way of revealing himself to me? And if so, why can’t I accept it? Someone once told me that when God reveals himself to you, you just know. Without a doubt. So, since I do have doubts, I suppose that means that he hasn’t revealed himself to me yet.

For many of my Christian friends, I suspect that their faith comes from the fact that their parents are also Christian. Not to say that I doubt their faith – but its just made it easier for them to believe, with their parents conditioning them to believe since they were kids. Well, my father is an atheist. But that doesn’t have anything to do with my point. Which is: how did I start to consider Christianity? I’m sure its because I was desperate and lonely at the time that my Christian friends entered my life. That they provided me with the comfort that I needed at the time, and that still do need. Well perhaps the fact that these newly acquired friends are Christian made me more open to the idea: not that I was changing my beliefs just to fit in, but rather, I didn't want to be an outsider among such a closely-knit group of friends. So perhaps this does sound like I'm trying too hard to fit in - but believe me, its not nearly as sell-outish as it sounds.

My best friend of all time is Jewish. I would like to believe that we've been through a lot together, and that we are (or at least were at one point) very close. Yet his faith has not affected me one bit. My answer as to why this is true is that he is not very devout. Although he claims to be Jewish, he rarely goes to Temple, and in his demeanor, I never see anything that would identify him as Jewish, besides the fact that he says it from time to time. And this is not meant to be an insult to his character. I understand that the reason he is Jewish is because his mother is. Anyway, who am I to judge how serious one is about his faith? One's relationship with God can only be determined by that person, and that person alone. But the fact is that he does not radiate Judaism as my Christian friends do their faith. So I was not as easily affected by him. From the little I've learned about the Jewish faith, I don't think its half bad. In fact, I think that if I were to be a religious person, I might rather enjoy being Jewish. Yet I have never considered being Jewish, while I have thought about Christianity.

This period of soul-searching has been very difficult for me. It threw my life off balance. Had it not been for this, everything would be fine: I am getting along well with all my friends, I'm too unhappy at school (in general-socially, etc.), and academics weren't exactly killing me. But the whole idea that I am questioning my faith made me question who I am. I have come to the realization that I have definitely chosen wrong: Computer Science is not the major for me. But I'm a stubborn person. If I came to the nation's best Computer Science school all the way in Pittsburgh, and forced this financial obligation on my parents, then I am going to stick with it. Tortured, unhappy, suicidal: it doesn't matter. I am going to get that CS degree.

I suppose I was so wrapped up with the fact that I was scared of being a Christian that I forgot that in the end, its all about God. Not about which religion is right or wrong, but about my faith in God Himself. So I have come to the conclusion that now is not the right time in my life to become a Christian. If going to fellowship or retreats or prayer meetings or even cell group makes me feel uncomfortable and claustrophobic, then I just shouldn't go. At this point, my thoughts on God are still open: I am not quite sure that He exists, but I leave room for the possibility that one day I may find Him. But I should try not to be so tortured and emotional about it, because as I feel this way, its life that's passing me by.

My other shocking realization is that in choosing to major in Computer Science and coming to CMU, I gave up my longtime dream of becoming a writer. I have previously mentioned that I used to have a passion for art - well even greater was my passion for writing. It was the first true love of my life. I cried the day I realized that there are people out there, my age, still writing, living out their dreams of creativity. That day was today. I realized that there's a reason I feel so dead inside. I have given up my dream for the corporate package. (Now, I suppose, is an appropriate time to call me a sell-out.)

I'm twenty years old. Not too late to change my mind, you say. But for me, it is. Like I said, I'm a stubborn person. I know that I hurt my mother sometimes with how damn determined I am to do things my way. So giving it all up to write is just unspeakable. (At least it is right now - in six months, who knows?) Whenever I'm trying to deal with my problems of unhappiness with my major, my best friend asks me what I see myself doing happily. And I can never supply an answer for him. But I realized today that the dream I had from so long ago has not yet died - that I am still capable of being a creative, passionate person. That it’s the person I want to be. The thing I realized today is that I want to write.