TITLE: Duck!
AUTHOR: Tiffany Park
EMAIL: anderson7836@comcast.net
STATUS: Complete
CATEGORY: Humor, Action/Adventure, Crossover with Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2^th Century.
SPOILERS: There But For the Grace of God, and any other episode in which naquada and/or the quantum mirror are the real stars.
SEASON: Season Two, for no better reason than that it's my favorite.
PAIRINGS: None.
RATING: G
CONTENT WARNINGS: None, really, other than weirdness.
SUMMARY: Teal'c and daring space hero Duck Dodgers team up to save the Earth from the evil machinations of Marvin the Martian. 'Nuff said. Crossover with "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2^th Century."
ARCHIVE: Please ask.
DISCLAIMER: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2^th Century" and its characters are the property of Warner Brothers, Inc. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Yeah, yeah, so I'm back to the weird stuff. Admit it, you love it. Familiarity with the 1953 cartoon "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2^th Century" is strongly recommended, especially since several incidents in this story were taken from the cartoon. Some knowledge of Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, and Warner Brothers Merrie Melodies cartoons is absolutely essential to get the right vibe about what's going on.

Dedicated to my beta reader, Rachelle, and anyone else out there who finds oddball stuff like this amusing.

The universe tilted, wheeling crazily and filling with blinding flashes of multicolored light. Stars streaked by, leaving sparkling trails like meteors, ushering in sights like music, colors with taste, smells like touches both feathery and firm--none of this could be described by a limited human's imagination, yet all existed nonetheless. Through this awesome, horribly beautiful maelstrom Teal'c fell, tumbling in helpless free fall, staring in horror at the chaos swirling around him. Slowly, the brilliant madness seemed to coalesce into a seething mass that receded, leaving a great, empty void in its wake. The last pinpoint of light blinked out and Teal'c was surrounded by darkness.

Still he fell.

Suddenly, the impenetrable black was gone, replaced by vivid shades of blue and gold. Even as Teal'c registered the return to sanity, he hit the ground with a bone-jarring thump. He heard his staff weapon clatter down beside him.

It was dark again. Lying flat on his back, Teal'c let out the breath he hadn't even realized he was holding, and forced his eyes open. Above him a few fluffy white clouds floated in a clear blue sky. So did a yellow, missile-shaped spaceship.

He couldn't take it all in, not yet. Instead, he allowed the sights to reassure him. He was alive, somehow. Out of habit, he thanked the gods that the fall hadn't killed him, that the chaotic void hadn't taken his sanity.

As he watched, the spaceship overhead used a ray of golden light to lift an irregularly-shaped object up into its open hold. A flat surface gleamed and shimmered, and recognition jolted Teal'c.

A quantum mirror. That was a quantum mirror.

He must have fallen through it, to land here. Where ever "here" was.

The cavernous hold swallowed the mirror and closed up. The spaceship hovered a moment more, then zipped away into the heavens. Teal'c stared, dumbfounded, as his only means of returning home vanished from sight in a matter of seconds.

Before he could fall into despair, a muffled sound came from beneath him, like a noise of protest or indignation. Something twitched against his spine and made several angry squawks. Teal'c grabbed his staff weapon and jumped to his feet.

A black and green pancake lay on the ground where Teal'c had fallen. It jerked and wiggled alarmingly. Teal'c took a step back, unable to wrench his gaze from the bizarre apparition. With a loud *POP* the thing--inflated. At least that was the only word Teal'c could think of to describe what took place before his eyes. Warily, he took another step back and readied his staff.

In place of the pancake now stood a man-sized, coal black duck. It had an orange bill and legs, a white ring around its neck, and was wearing a green tunic and cap. A single antenna protruded from the top of the cap and was terminated with a small, gold ball. Strangely anthropomorphic, the duck braced its hands--wings?--on its hips and glared at Teal'c.

"All right, buster, what's the big idea?" it snapped, lisping violently in outrage.

Unable to think of anything more intelligent to say, Teal'c echoed, "Big idea?"

In high dudgeon, the irritated duck stomped forward and shoved the staff weapon aside, then poked a finger hard against Teal'c's chest. "Why don't you watch where you're falling, anyway?" the duck demanded, jabbing Teal'c again. "You could have killed me, landing any which way like that. And put that down," it added, gesturing at Teal'c's staff. "You could put someone's eye out with that thing."

Teal'c blinked, uncertain, but the creature wasn't armed and probably didn't intend to harm him. He lowered his staff weapon.

"That's better," the duck said, still lisping. It folded its arms over its chest and stepped back to eye Teal'c from head to toe. "My, you're a big one, aren't you?"

Teal'c opened his mouth, closed it again, unable to find a logical response to that comment. He tilted his head and stared.

"Come on, come on, speak up," the duck snapped. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

"A cat? Does that happen often here?"

The duck regarded him with disfavor. "Don't play cute with me, buster. Who are you, anyway?"

"My name is Teal'c."

"Teal'c, huh? Interesting name."

"Indeed." Although there was nothing particularly interesting about his name among his own people, Teal'c saw no reason to be argumentative with this strange being. He would need allies if he hoped to return home. Failing that--and without the quantum mirror he knew his chances of success were vanishingly small--he would need to make a place for himself in this alien universe. One did not accomplish such a feat by antagonizing the indigenous population. He would take one step at a time, feeling his way carefully. "May I ask your name as well?"

The duck looked affronted. "Surely you jest?"

"I do not."

"My good man, are you telling me you really have no idea who I am?" the duck asked, puffing its chest out self-importantly.

Why should he know who this insane duck was? Teal'c wondered. "I am."

"Why, everyone's heard of...." The duck struck a dramatic pose, pointing a finger high in the air, and intoned, "Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!"

Teal'c stared, bemused, as the duck actually rose several inches into the air--apparently through sheer intensity. "I have not."

Duck Dodgers scowled. "You must not be from around here, pal."

"I am certain that must be the case," Teal'c replied, glancing around and finally getting a good look at his new surroundings. He was startled to see that he was actually standing upon a landing set high in the air, attached to the very top apartment of futuristic skyscraper. The "penthouse," as O'Neill might term it. If this was as prestigious a location for a personal habitation as such things usually were on Earth, then it argued well for Duck Dodgers's self-proclaimed importance in this world. Teal'c cautiously moved to the edge and looked down, but could see only clouds below, with no sign of the ground that must support the structure.

Surrounding the building were other skyscrapers of varying heights and bold designs, and between them were connecting archways--sky bridges, if Teal'c had his terminology correct. Through the air shot rocket-powered vehicles, large and small. Primary colors dominated the landscape.

No, Teal'c thought, repressing a twinge of vertigo, he certainly wasn't from around here.

"Where are you from, then?"

Teal'c turned away from the ledge and moved back to safer footing. "I believe I am from another universe entirely."

"Another universe, eh?" Dodgers commented, taking the wild claim in stride. He eyed Teal'c dubiously. "Well, that explains a lot. So tell me, just how did you get here?"

That was a very good question. Teal'c thought back to the string of bad luck that had led to his dislocation from his own, familiar universe to this bizarre place. He and the rest of SG-1 had been exploring an abandoned city on an alien world when they had been attacked by a small troop of Apophis's Jaffa. In the ensuing battle, Teal'c had become separated from his teammates and chased by several warriors. He had taken cover in a large room filled with unfathomable instrumentation, but still had been cornered by his pursuers. He had backed up defensively just as the Jaffa fired their weapons at him--then he had fallen though that chaotic void, and landed here.

He realized that he must have stepped back into an activated quantum mirror. Such a thing was not impossible; Daniel Jackson himself had had just such an experience. However, the quick and easy passage through the mirror that Daniel Jackson had described bore not the slightest similarity to the journey through madness that Teal'c had endured. Perhaps the mirror had been damaged in some way, or perhaps he had simply traveled "farther from home" than Jackson had--certainly this universe didn't resemble any parallel reality that Captain Carter had theorized, which should contain alternate versions of people and places well-known to Teal'c.

Or perhaps her understanding of such matters was not as complete as everyone assumed, Teal'c mused as he stared at his unusual surroundings and even more unusual companion.

"I believe I passed through a quantum mirror," Teal'c said to Dodgers. "A gateway into parallel realities."

"A variable quantum phase portal to alternate realities and parallel universes, huh?" was the response to that.

"Yes."

Dodgers rubbed his chin--or rather, the bottom of his beak that served as a chin--and paced back and forth. "Hmmmm, it's possible, it's very possible. But where is this portal now?"

"When I landed here--"

"You mean, when you squashed me!"

Teal'c hesitated, remembering that Dodgers had broken his fall from the airborne mirror and been literally flattened as a result. That was why Teal'c had garnered no broken bones or other injuries; indeed, it was why he had survived at all. "I must apologize. It was not my intention--"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." The duck waved him off irritably. "Just get on with your story."

"After I landed, I saw a yellow spaceship overhead, using some kind of energy beam to lift up what I believe was a quantum mirror." Teal'c frowned. "I was stunned from the fall," he added, intent upon honesty, "and by the time I looked up it was quite high in the air, but it did resemble a quantum mirror. It was irregularly shaped, with a flat, reflective surface, and--"

Dodgers's overlarge eyes widened in recognition. "That old thing? You're kidding me!"

"I am not."

"Well, whaddaya know? And here I thought it was just another useless dust collector."

"It was a dust collector?" Teal'c asked, raising a brow in confusion. He wondered if that was anything like the "vacuum cleaner" used by his Tau'ri companions to clean their carpets, then puzzled over how it might be related to a quantum mirror.

"Well, obviously not! I just thought it was. I've picked up a lot of space junk over the years I've been adventuring around the universe, you know. I wouldn't have gotten rid of the silly thing if I'd known what it was."

"Indeed?"

"This is what I get for cleaning out my garage," Dodgers muttered. "Now Good Space Will's got the dratted thing. Well, there's nothing to do but try to get it back, I suppose."

"That is possible?" Teal'c asked hopefully.

"Hey, anything's possible." From nowhere that Teal'c could discern, Dodgers produced a small device and punched in a code, then held it to his head. "Hello, Good Space Will?" the duck said, speaking as clearly as was possible for someone with such a severe lisp. "This is Duck Dodgers. Yes, that's right. The Duck Dodgers. Uh huh. In the twenty-fourth and a half century. Yep, that's me. Anyway, I was just calling about that truck you sent around to pick up my old junk-- Oh? Is that so? Okay, well, thanks anyway."

Dodgers returned the phone to the same mysterious place he had retrieved it from and looked at Teal'c. "They say they haven't even sent the truck yet."

"Then who took the quantum mirror?"

Dodgers shrugged. "Who knows? Probably the garbage men, but there's no telling. Maybe someone driving by liked it and took it to put in their bedroom or something."

"If that is the case, the quantum mirror may prove impossible to locate." Teal'c sighed, dispirited. "There is no way for me to go home."

"Hey, now, big guy, don't think like that. We'll find a way to get you back where you belong, or my name isn't Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!"

The duck had struck that melodramatic pose again as he pronounced his name in a loud, ringing voice. Teal'c frowned as the date finally registered. The twenty-fourth and a half century? It was only the twentieth century in his own universe. Perhaps time flowed more swiftly here. Things were complicated, indeed.

He repressed another sigh and tried to muster some optimism. His situation could be worse, after all. At least he had someone--and someone who appeared to be important--on his side and going to significant trouble to assist him. It seemed churlish not to express some gratitude, so he said, "I thank you for helping me."

Dodgers waved a nonchalant hand and said airily, "All in a day's work for us daring space heroes." He exuded so much confidence that Teal'c began to feel a little better. Dodgers flashed him a cocky grin. "I know just where to start, my large friend. We'll go ask my boss, Dr. I.Q. Hi. There's nothing he doesn't know about."

"Nothing?"

"Okay, so maybe that's a slight exaggeration. But he's got connections you wouldn't believe. If there's a way to send you home, he'll know how to find it." With an elegant flourish, Dodgers threw on a swirling red cape. "Come on. We'll take my car."

The "car" turned out to be nothing like its Earthly counterparts. Powered by a small rocket, the red vehicle barreled through the sky at insane speeds. Dodgers drove like a maniac, dodging around soaring edifices and floating restaurants, climbing to dizzying heights then suddenly dropping low, missing other speeding vehicles seemingly only by pure luck. Teal'c clutched the seat belts that crossed his chest and lap, holding on for dear life.

Rocket powered cars, he decided, were not a good idea.

At last the terrifying ride came to an end. Dodgers parked the car on a high platform, said, "Okay, we're here," in an offhand manner, and got out. A little shakily, Teal'c opened the door and stepped out of the car. While he normally believed that a former First Prime should never show or even admit to weakness, that ride was like nothing he'd ever experienced. Even the most maneuverable of space fighters only followed such flight patterns for short lengths of time, and only when absolutely necessary for training purposes or success in battle. Unfortunately, it seemed that such incautious driving was a matter of course in this world. He had seen other rocket-cars performing similar aerobatics as they flashed by.

Pushing his nonproductive thoughts aside, Teal'c pulled his staff weapon from the back seat, then took a look around. He and Dodgers were standing on a landing that was at least as high as the one at Dodgers's apartment, perhaps even higher. A small sign near where Dodgers had parked proclaimed "17,000^th Floor Landing." Teal'c looked up. Over his head, an enormous sign read "Dr. I.Q. Hi, Secretary of the Stratosphere." From what Dodgers had told him of this building, there must be another three thousand stories above where he now stood. He was grateful that he'd never suffered from acrophobia.

Dodgers strode forward, through a crackling electrostatic field and a pair of tall doors that slid open at his approach. With trepidation, Teal'c followed. The energy field tingled, but didn't harm him. Nor did the doors snap shut to bar his way, as he had half expected in his discomfiture with his odd surroundings. He let out a small breath of relief.

Teal'c and Dodgers then walked through a long hallway, the walls and ceiling of which were lined with incomprehensible, futuristic devices. They came to an immense room filled with bizarre equipment that beeped and hummed and snapped with electricity and other, unfathomable power sources. Once again, Teal'c looked up. The ceiling was at least twenty stories high.

A stout, red-haired man met them. His hands were hidden within the pockets of his white lab coat, and on his head he wore a metal cap topped with a vacuum tube. "Dodgers," he greeted briskly, "what brings you here? And who is that with you?"

"Got a problem for you, sir," Dodgers told him. "Or I should say, my friend here's got the problem. Teal'c, this is Dr. I.Q. Hi, Secretary of the Stratosphere, and Earth's premier genius."

Teal'c bowed his head. "I am honored to make your acquaintance, Dr. Hi."

"Teal'c's from a parallel universe, sir," Dodgers said. "We need to find a way to send him back where he came from."

Under the intense scrutiny of Dr. I.Q. Hi, Teal'c told the tale of his current plight, describing what he knew of the quantum mirror and how it worked. When he finished, Dr. Hi said, "Fascinating. A variable quantum phase portal to alternate realities and parallel universes. Remarkable."

"Think you can figure out a way to send the poor fellow home, sir?" Dodgers asked.

"Perhaps," Dr. Hi replied. "We've been working on the engineering for such a device ourselves, although our model isn't operational yet." He put his hands behind his back and paced to and fro. "But this couldn't have happened at a more inopportune moment. It seems we now have two disasters on our hands. In fact, I was just about to send for you, Dodgers."

Dodgers became alert. "What has happened, sir?"

"Earth's supply of Unobtainium-451 has been cut off! As you know, Dodgers, our civilization cannot survive without it. Our entire way of life is utterly dependent upon this rare element."

Dodgers looked horrified. "My God! When did this happen, sir?"

"Just a few minutes ago, Dodgers. We have reason to believe," Dr. Hi paused for ominous effect, "that our sworn enemy, Mars, is the perpetrator."

"Things are grim, indeed."

Teal'c looked from Duck Dodgers to Dr. I.Q. Hi and back again. Both wore brooding expressions that left Teal'c in no doubt that the situation was dire. He wished he knew of some way to assist them. They had, after all, given every indication that they would do whatever they could to help him. However, Teal'c's lack of familiarity with this world had him at a severe disadvantage. It was clear to him that their present misfortune hinged on Unobtainium-451, but Teal'c was in the dark as to what that mysterious element actually was. Until he found out, he could contribute nothing useful to help his newfound acquaintances, so naturally he asked, "What is Unobtainium-451?"

His companions stared at him, dumbfounded. Dr. Hi turned to Dodgers and asked, "Is he serious?"

"You know he's not from around here, sir," Dodgers replied.

"Amazing. To think, someone who has never heard of Unobtainium-451. Before today, I'd have said that was impossible." Dr. Hi gave Teal'c a speculative look. "Unobtainium-451 is the foundation for all our technology. It has whatever incredibly useful property is necessary for almost any scientific or engineering application."

"Any application?" Teal'c asked.

"Oh, yes, it's quite amazing. It's stable enough to withstand and survive the most extreme temperatures and pressures man or nature can devise, such as a nuclear explosion, yet can make that same explosion many times more powerful. It's chemically reactive enough with other elements, such as potassium, to cause incredible explosions and release immense amounts of energy. In spite of all that reactivity, it's completely stable, corrosion resistant, non-toxic, and can remain indefinitely in the human body with no ill affects. In fact, it's completely non-hazardous to the touch. Best of all, we've found it can be used as an inexhaustible power source. The stuff never decays! Somehow, it's not radioactive at all. In fact, it actually stores power."

Dr. Hi beamed and concluded, "In short, Unobtainium-451 is the perfect substance for all of our technological needs."

And, Teal'c realized in surprise, one could build a Stargate with it, as well. "I believe I am familiar with this element," he said slowly, knowing of only one material that possessed such completely contradictory--some might even say magical--properties and qualities. "In my universe, it is called Naquada, and it is the basis of many different technologies."

"So you do know of it, then? It just has a different name where you come from?"

"That is so."

"Excellent," said Dr. Hi. "We can use your expertise in this matter."

"I am not--"

"We're all counting on you, Teal'c. The fate of the world is at stake." While Teal'c gaped helplessly, Dr. Hi moved to a control panel and activated a few switches. A hologram of the galaxy appeared in the center of the room. Dr. Hi took up a pointing stick and said, "Unobtainium-451 comes from only one place in the universe: The Booties sector." He indicated an area of space that was dense with stars and nebulae.

Teal'c frowned at the display, trying to reconcile it with his small knowledge of Tau'ri astronomy. "Should that not be Boötes?" he said, pointing out what he believed to be a spelling error on the chart. Dodgers and Dr. Hi both gave him an odd glance, looked at one another and shrugged as though to say, "He's new around here. What else can you expect?" and went back to their discussion. Teal'c took that to mean he should keep his mouth shut for now.

"As I was saying, the Booties sector is the only source of Unobtainium-451 in the universe," Dr. Hi said.

"So you want me to go there and straighten things out, huh?" said Dodgers.

"Correct. The Unobtainium must flow. Can you do it, Dodgers?"

Duck Dodgers snapped off a jaunty salute. "Absolutely, sir! Because there's no one knows his way around outer space like Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!"

Teal'c wondered why Dodgers always struck that peculiarly dramatic pose when saying his name. Perhaps it was some kind of warrior's ritual. Put in that context, he could understand Duck Dodgers's obsession with the posturing. He supposed that Jaffa warrior rituals, when viewed by outsiders, seemed just as odd.

"Follow me, Teal'c!" Dodgers's cape swirled in heroic crimson folds as he turned and headed for the exit. "To the spaceport!"

They left the building by a different way than they had entered it, and went down a long walkway that had an alarming lack of guardrails. Teal'c made a point of staying well to the center of the walk, although Dodgers didn't seem to notice the danger posed by being 17,000 stories above the ground without even a handrail. They went through an entryway over which hung a sign that said, "Evaporators." Further along was a series of transparent chambers shaped like rounded hourglasses, with complex antennas extending from their tops. Dodgers stopped in front of one. Teal'c saw that it was labeled, "To spaceport."

"After you, my good man," Dodgers said, sweeping out a graceful hand at the evaporator.

Teal'c reasoned that the device must be similar to the Goa'uld transport rings and willingly stepped inside. He blinked, and found himself staring out at a totally unfamiliar landscape. There was tarmac as far as the eye could see, and upon it spacecraft of every type imaginable rested while being serviced and refueled.

Not even his former Goa'uld masters had anything like this. After a moment, Teal'c stopped gaping and remembered to leave the evaporator. Immediately upon his exit Duck Dodgers appeared in a bright flash. He moved next to Teal'c. "That one's mine," he said, gesturing at a slim, silver missile with elegant red fins that waited in its launch cradle. The umbilicals attached to it crackled with power. "Ain't she a beauty?"

"It is a fine ship," Teal'c replied, impressed.

"You bet it is. Come on, let's go," Dodgers said, striding toward his gleaming spaceship. "The Earth is counting on us."

After the duo had climbed the long ladder that led to the spaceship's open hatch, Dodgers had Teal'c stow his staff weapon and strap himself into a chair that was bolted to the floor. Beside Teal'c sat an anthropomorphic pig that wore a gray leotard and a cap similar to the one Dodgers had on his head. The pig, who was addressed only as Eager Young Space Cadet, had a round face, a cheerful disposition, and a pronounced stammer.

Dodgers, now sans red cape, seated himself at the pilot's station and started going through the pre-launch checklist. Lights flashed, instruments hummed and beeped, as the great ship was prepared for flight. Dodgers twisted around in his seat and called, "Are you ready, Eager Young Space Cadet?"

The pig stammered, "Ye, ye, yeye, yeye--all set, your heroship!"

"Are you ready, Teal'c?"

Teal'c wasn't so sure about this whole situation, but he replied gamely, "I am."

"Then make way for Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!" Dodgers announced sonorously, and with a flourish activated a control. The craft's mighty engines roared. Teal'c felt himself pressed back into his seat as the rocketship vaulted out toward the stars.

They were on their way.

"We are approaching the Booties sector," Dodgers announced.

Teal'c and Eager Young Space Cadet moved forward into the pilot's area. On the viewscreen was a grouping of stars, nebulae, and dust lanes that when taken together resembled, to Teal'c's dismay, a pair of Tau'ri baby booties. At least now he understood how the area had gotten its name, and why Dr. Hi and Duck Dodgers had given him that peculiar look earlier, when he had suggested the spelling of the Tau'ri constellation.

As Teal'c goggled at the impossible stellar formation, a glowing, wiggling string came into view. Suddenly, lights started flashing and sirens wailed with deafening intensity.

"S-si-si-- Captain Dodgers!" Eager Young Space Cadet cried, pointing. "I-i-i-it's a-a-a--"

"I see it, Eager Young Space Cadet," Dodgers snapped as he worked furiously at the spaceship's complex control panel.

"What is it?" Teal'c asked.

"A cosmic shoestring. They're a real hazard out here in the Booties sector."

The Booties sector--filled with arrangements of astronomical phenomena that actually looked like booties? With cosmic shoestrings, rather than ordinary cosmic strings? Teal'c frowned, feeling more than a little insulted. This universe was insane. Next they'd be telling him that wormholes had worms traveling through them. Although, he thought, the Goa'uld used wormholes in his own world, and in their natural state they were quite worm-like. There was a bizarre sort of symmetry to that idea.

"It's heading right for us!" Dodgers shouted. "I must take evasive action! Hold on!" He pulled back hard on a control stick.

Teal'c was thrown to the deck as the spaceship pitched and shuddered. He had just pulled himself to his feet when the ship turned sharply then rolled. Muttering Jaffa maledictions under his breath, he crawled on hands and knees back to his seat and belted himself in. Somewhat irritably, he noticed that the pig was already in his own chair, looking serene and unruffled.

The spacecraft zigged and zagged, pulling gut-wrenching maneuvers that made Teal'c clutch the armrests of his chair and fight nausea. It was clear, in his opinion, that Dodgers flew a rocketship about as well as he drove a rocket-car. Teal'c was tempted to offer his own piloting skills. Only his lack of familiarity with the control system kept him from making that suggestion, although he strongly suspected that his own flying would still be an improvement over Dodgers's.

After a few more loop-de-loops, the wild ride finally came to an end. Duck Dodgers leaned back in his chair and cackled, "That'll keep it tied up in knots for a while."

Teal'c unbuckled himself and moved forward to look at the monitor. The display showed the cosmic shoestring, which was impossibly tied into a classic bow. Teal'c scowled furiously and clenched his jaw. He hadn't been in this benighted reality a full day yet, and already his patience was taxed severely. He prayed that Dr. Hi would find a way to send him home before he went completely insane.

The knotted shoestring slid away and disappeared from the screen. Now a nondescript planet moved into view, swiftly growing larger as the mighty rocket approached. "Oh, boy," said Dodgers, "I'd better hurry up and work out our entry and landing trajectory." He activated a computer and started going through a series of complex calculations, muttering under his breath a series of vile curses. Teal'c watched him and wondered what the difficulty was. The formulae involved were fairly prosaic. Any seasoned space traveler should know them, so Teal'c didn't comprehend the problems Dodgers was having with them.

"Dratted equations," Dodgers hissed, fingers hammering on the keyboard angrily. "Stupid computers, never do what you want them to."

Teal'c watched the monitor overhead. He could see from the graphic of the calculated trajectory that the ship would miss the planet by a significant margin. Again he was tempted to offer his assistance. Surely landing a sophisticated craft such as this could not be so onerous a chore.

Before Teal'c could point out the obvious errors Dodgers was making, Eager Young Space Cadet toddled to the pilot's station and looked over his commander's shoulder. "P-p-per-perha-- Maybe if you subtract that term from b-b-both sides--" he said, pointing. "And then integrate one over X--"

"That's ridiculous!" Dodgers snapped. "Where'd you learn mathematics, anyway?"

"At the ACME S-S-Sp-Space Academy, sir."

"Disgraceful, what they're teaching kids these days. Remind me to speak to the commandant about the curriculum there when we get home."

"Yes, your heroship, sir."

Dodgers turned an evil eye onto the formulae on his computer. "Now, let me see. Wait! I've got it!" he exclaimed, looking triumphant. "If I subtract this term from both sides then integrate one over X-- Yes! A landing solution! All locked in." As the overhead monitor displayed the proper course, he gloated, "Easy as falling off a log."

Eager Young Space Cadet clasped his hands together in an attitude of hero worship that was belied by the knowing smirk that flitted across his face. "Y-y-y-your calculations are perfect, s-s-sir!"

"Naturally."

The spaceship made a perfect landing on a stretch of flat terrain behind series of tall hills. The three space heroes exited the hatch and climbed down the ladder to the planet's surface. Teal'c looked around curiously. So this was the world from which Dodgers's people obtained their Naquada.

It wasn't terribly interesting, as alien worlds in parallel dimensions went. Not that Teal'c had any real experience with such, but given the bizarre people and environments he'd encountered thus far, he thought it a reasonable assessment. The landscape was barren and ugly, dotted in places with patches of angular vegetation and monoliths of rock carved by erosion into disturbing shapes. Gray and dusty-lavender pastels were the dominant colors of plants, earth, and rocks. Even the sky had a grayish-purple cast to it.

Teal'c didn't know precisely what he'd been expecting, but the lonely desolation surrounding him wasn't it. Dodgers's Earth had been a bustling world, full of soaring towers and flying vehicles. Yet here, on an important Naquada producing planet, there wasn't even a token mining operation to be seen. No automation, no people--just dirt. Perhaps the mining was done in another location, he thought. With that in mind, he started up the nearest hill, intent on getting a better look around.

"Good thinking, Teal'c," Dodgers said from behind him. "We should scout out the area. You never know what strange menaces might be lurking out here in the outer reaches of outer space."

Teal'c didn't deign to reply. Using his staff weapon as a walking stick, he hiked up the steep slope. When he reached the crest, he stopped dead. Dodgers plowed into his back, nearly upsetting his balance, then an instant later Teal'c was jostled again as Eager Young Space Cadet ran into Dodgers, who hadn't recovered from the first collision.

"Hey, watch where you're stopping, Teal'c!" Dodgers admonished. "What's the problem, anyway?"

Teal'c gave them a scathing look, but pointed out into the distance. "That."

"Well, well, well," said Dodgers. "Now that's something you don't see every day."

Less than a quarter mile away rested a bright yellow spaceship. Before it loomed an enormous pile of equipment, the largest piece of which resembled a telescope. Teal'c squinted, going over every inch of the ship with his eyes, comparing it to the image stored in his memory. Elation warred with shock in his breast. It couldn't be, could it? It was too much of a coincidence. Yet, there it was. He said slowly, "It is the same craft that took the quantum mirror."

"You sure?"

"I am."

Dodgers scratched his chin. "How interesting. And convenient. We can kill two birds with one stone."

Teal'c raised a brow. An odd choice of phrase, coming from an anthropomorphic duck.

"Okay, you two, follow me." Dodgers started down the hillside toward the yellow ship, not bothering to look back to check if Teal'c and Eager Young Space Cadet were obeying his instructions. "And let me handle this. Delicate interstellar negotiations are one of my particular specialties."

The trio cautiously headed down the hill. Dodgers stayed in the lead, walking proudly with his chest puffed out and his head held high, looking every inch the mighty space hero he claimed to be. Well, Teal'c mused, except that he was a duck.

As they walked, Teal'c couldn't help but wonder just what Dodgers intended. From what he understood, somehow the Martians had halted all Naquada production and shipping to Earth. Yet, there was just the one spaceship and an untidy heap of equipment. Teal'c had expected an entire brigade, at the very least, but thus far he hadn't spotted a single soldier. The Martians' power must be immense to have crippled the mining operation with so few military assets.

Teal'c found this disquieting. Surely Dr. Hi and Duck Dodgers must be aware of the Martian capabilities. So why send such a small, ill-equipped team? How did Dodgers plan to deal with the Martian threat with a cadet and an alien as his only allies? It made no sense.

Yet Dodgers continued to stride forward, full of confidence, even arrogance.

As the trio drew nearer, Teal'c saw that his original supposition--that there were no soldiers about--had been in error, although not by much. Standing at the base of the telescope was a very short, very strange little being.

The Martian was barely three feet tall and amazingly scrawny. He was dressed in a bright red body suit, accessorized with white gloves and oversized tennis shoes. Over the red suit he had on a green skirt and helmet that reminded Teal'c of the costumes worn in Tau'ri gladiator movies. The Martian's helmet was topped with a decorative brush that served no useful purpose that Teal'c could discern.

However, the alien's outlandish attire couldn't begin to compete with his most distinguishing feature: a big, perfectly round, pure black head. He had no mouth, no nose or ears. His only facial feature was a pair of large and expressive eyes. At the moment, those eyes were engaged in the rapt contemplation of a brick-red, cylindrical object that he gingerly held in his hands. He didn't appear to notice the spacemen walking toward him.

Teal'c halted, uncertain how to approach such a strange creature and not wanting to do anything to trigger an unfortunate interstellar incident. Dodgers, on the other hand, had no such qualms. With a quick "Wait here" tossed over his shoulder to Teal'c and Eager Young Space Cadet, Dodgers marched straight up to the alien and tapped him on the shoulder. "All right, buster, what's the big idea?"

The Martian tore his gaze from the red cylinder. "I beg your pardon?" he asked in a nasal tenor. Then his eyes narrowed. "Oh. It's you again."

"Yeah, it's me, all right," Dodgers snapped. "Don't think I've forgotten about that Illudium Phosdex incident on Planet X."

"Illudium Phosdex?" Teal'c asked.

"Th-th-the Shaving Cream Atom," Eager Young Space Cadet said knowingly. "That was quite an adventure."

"I see," Teal'c replied. He didn't really, but it seemed best not to inquire after further details. His credulity was already strained almost to the breaking point.

"All right, bud," Dodgers continued, jabbing a finger into the Martian's chest, "now hear this: This rock belongs to the Earth, so load your shiny Martian plaything back onto that piece of junk you call a spaceship and skedaddle. Capishe?"

Teal'c raised both brows. This was Dodgers's definition of delicate interstellar negotiating? He noticed that the Martian was glowering at Dodgers in a quiet but rather menacing way.

"These hostilities do not bode well for the recovery of the quantum mirror," Teal'c said.

Eager Young Space Cadet looked surprised at his words. "Oh. Th-th-that's right. Almost forgot. C-ca-can't have that." He toddled over to Dodgers.

The duck whirled around and snapped "What?" when Eager Young Space Cadet tapped him on the shoulder. The pig whispered in his ear and backed off. Dodgers returned his attention to the Martian. "Oh, yeah, and I want my mirror back, too!"

In response, the Martian whipped out a deadly looking ray gun.

"Dodgers!" Teal'c shouted, seeing the Martian's finger tighten on the trigger. "Duck!" At his cry, the Martian jerked in surprise. The gun's energy beam barely missed Dodgers and disintegrated a nearby boulder.

Teal'c brought his staff weapon to bear on the Martian and fired. Incredibly, the blast missed its mark by a significant degree. Another boulder shattered. Teal'c goggled, stunned. Never had he seen a staff blast behave in such a manner. It had actually curved away from its target. This Martian must possess some kind of powerful shielding and deflection technology.

Even more incredibly, the Martian only huffed irritably at the failed attack then stalked back to his spaceship and disappeared inside. Was that all? Teal'c wondered. No retaliation, no reprisals, no further attacks? Their enemy would just turn his back and walk away from them?

"Well, that got us nowhere," Duck Dodgers grumbled. "I suppose we might as well head back to the ship."

"I'm sure you'll have b-b-better luck next time, your heroship, sir," Eager Young Space Cadet consoled him, trotting after the space hero.

"Hmmm, I think it's time to start playing hardball. You coming, Teal'c?" Dodgers called back, almost as an afterthought.

For just a moment, Teal'c could only stare at them. Dodgers and Eager Young Space Cadet behaved as though this situation was nothing remarkable. Dodgers plotted and schemed, the cadet stroked his ego while planting ideas, and both seemed totally oblivious to the fact that they had turned their backs on a hostile enemy that had already fired on them once and had no reason not to do so again.

And yet, that same enemy didn't take any kind of aggressive action. In fact, the Martian didn't move at all. The yellow craft was silent, inert, in spite of the fact that Dodgers and the cadet were, as O'Neill might put it, sitting ducks.

Teal'c winced. He would have to spend many hours meditating to clear his mind of the hopeless puns and absurdities this universe pressed upon him. Sighing, he trudged after his companions, back up and over the hill, toward their spaceship. He kept a wary eye on the Martian ship for as long as possible, until it slipped from his sight as he started down the opposite slope.

"Well, this is quite a predicament," Duck Dodgers was saying.

Teal'c, Duck Dodgers, and Eager Young Space Cadet were standing in the pilot's area of Dodger's spaceship, discussing their options. Or rather, Teal'c thought, Dodgers was coming up with outlandish plans and ideas, and Eager Young Space Cadet was cheerfully egging him on. Teal'c wondered uncharitably why these two weren't dead yet. Surely their enemies couldn't be as incompetent as they themselves seemed to be.

Then again, maybe they were. Certainly the Martian's actions were most peculiar.

Teal'c once again entreated the false gods, praying that his new companions wouldn't get him killed before he managed to find a way home. He reminded himself that the quantum mirror was close by--all he had to do was stay alive long enough to use it. Of course, that simplistic plan assumed that Dodgers and the cadet could keep the Martian occupied long enough for Teal'c to sneak aboard the enemy spaceship. Teal'c had firmly decided to abandon this insane universe and all its equally insane inhabitants to their own, well-deserved fate just as soon as he possibly could.

"What do you think, Teal'c?"

Startled by the question, Teal'c looked up. Dodgers and Eager Young Space Cadet were looking at him expectantly. Since Teal'c hadn't been paying attention for the last minute or so, preferring instead to plan his own escape, he had no idea what Dodgers was asking him about. Besides, he didn't believe his opinion would be worth much in any case. Nothing he knew about warfare seemed to apply in this universe.

Instead, he decided to clarify an issue that had been troubling him. "Why did my staff not shoot straight? I saw the blast curve away from the Martian."

"So?" Dodgers asked.

"I am considered an excellent shot. Such a miss has been a matter of some concern to me."

"Oh, don't let it bother you." Dodgers waved a dismissive hand. "No big deal. Better luck next time."

"I do not understand. How did the blast curve? Did the Martian have shielding technology?"

"Of course not. That would be completely absurd."

"Then why did my staff blast not travel in a straight line?"

Eager Young Space Cadet gave Teal'c a strange look. "G-g-guns don't always shoot s-s-straight, M-m-mister Teal'c. I thought everyone knew that." He paused, then asked, "You mean it's different where you come from?"

"Yes," Teal'c said, scowling. Apparently, he couldn't even trust the laws of physics in this place.

His brief response and lack of elaboration didn't seem to bother his companions. They both shrugged and went back to their earlier discussion. They weren't even curious about how things worked in his home universe. Teal'c's frown deepened.

"I think it's time to issue the little stinker an ultimatum," Dodgers decided. He moved to a console and started pushing buttons and turning knobs. Telltale lights flashed, and a monitor crackled to life. On it appeared the image of the Martian invader, who looked decidedly cranky to be interrupted from whatever he had been doing.

"Yo, Marvin," Dodgers said by way of greeting. It was the first time Teal'c could recall that anyone had addressed the Martian by name. Then he wondered if it was actually the Martian's name, or if Dodgers was just being his usual, irritating self.

"What do you want?" Marvin the Martian replied, almost politely.

"I want my mirror back," Dodgers snapped. "It was promised to Good Space Will, and I need the tax write-off. I also want the shipments of Unobtainium-451 to Earth restored. And last but most assuredly not least, I want you to go away."

"I will do none of that."

"Look, pal, I'm giving you your final notice. Comply with my demands and get off this rock in half an hour, or else."

Marvin didn't look particularly impressed. He whipped out a gun and aimed it straight at the screen.

"Is that supposed to scare me?" Dodgers sneered.

In response, Marvin fired. The energy blast shot right through the viewscreen and caught Dodgers smack in the face. Teal'c closed his eyes, unwilling to look at what must remain of Duck Dodgers. Due to his own experiences with the violations of the laws of physics in this universe, he was surprised only slightly that the shot has been transmitted through a viewscreen. Surely Dodgers had perished in that blast. Regret filled Teal'c. As little respect as he now had for the self-proclaimed space hero, he truly had no wish to see Dodgers dead.

Then, incredibly, he heard a familiar and aggravating voice lisp, "You're despicable."

Teal'c opened his eyes in shock. A still-living Duck Dodgers stood before the viewscreen. His feathers were charred and smoking, his uniform in tatters. Soot blackened his orange bill, legs, and webbed feet. He was obviously in a foul mood, but didn't seem to be seriously injured.

Without a word, the duck flicked a switch to turn off the viewer, then stomped off to a side chamber. A moment later, Teal'c heard the unmistakable sound of a running shower. He glanced at Eager Young Space Cadet, who merely trotted over to a console and started fiddling with the controls. He displayed no concern whatsoever.

Obviously, Teal'c thought, the laws of physics could be bent to one's advantage. How else could Dodgers have survived an energy blast with only cosmetic damage? Why else would Eager Young Space Cadet take the attack on his leader in stride, without a hint of surprise or fear? Still, Teal'c had no desire to try the experiment on himself.

Five minutes later, Dodgers emerged from the shower, resplendent in a fresh uniform and looking good as new. He stomped to the center of the room and planted his hands on his hips. "That's the last straw," he declared. "Now I'm really mad."

"Wh-wh-what shall we do, your heroship, sir?" Eager Young Space Cadet asked, wringing his hands.

"We're gonna blow that Martian clean off this planet, that's what we're gonna do! Let's see how he likes the taste of my Mega-Nuke-Destructo Beam!"

That didn't sound promising. Clearly, someone needed to interject a little rationality into the situation, before everything got completely out of control. Teal'c saw little chance for success of a direct assault on Marvin the Martian, given all that had occurred before. Even if Dodgers's weapon worked against Marvin, it would probably also cause the destruction of the quantum mirror. Teal'c didn't want to risk that. He needed to convince his companions to try a different approach. "Perhaps stealth would be more effective than direct action."

Dodgers looked at him. "What do you mean?"

"Marvin the Martian appears to be alone. We could approach him covertly and sabotage his operation. This would also give us the opportunity to appropriate the quantum mirror at the same time."

"Nah, that'll never work. Now, let me think. Hmmmmmm." Dodgers rubbed his chin and paced the length of the cabin.

Teal'c waited patiently. He could guess what was coming next, and braced himself for the inevitable. It wasn't long in coming.

Dodgers said, "Let's see-- I know! We'll sneak in, wreck Marvin's stuff, and swipe my mirror back. That's it! I'm a genius!" He finished with a snap of his fingers.

Teal'c heaved a deep breath and shot a resigned glance at Eager Young Space Cadet, who beamed with amusement. Teal'c sighed again. At least Dodgers no longer planned to destroy the Martian and his equipment. Teal'c told himself he didn't care who took credit for the idea or how the Unobtainium-451 situation was resolved, as long as he got to go home. As soon as the mirror was secured, he was leaving.

Slowly and with severe misgivings, Teal'c trudged his way toward Marvin the Martian's spaceship and giant telescope. His part of Duck Dodgers's "brilliant" plan--concocted far too rapidly and haphazardly in Teal'c's opinion--was to approach Marvin and engage him in conversation, distracting him so that Dodgers and Eager Young Space Cadet could sneak onto his ship and wreak their own special kind of havoc.

Teal'c tightened his grip on his staff weapon, unsure why he was going along with this absurd plan. Perhaps this universe had infected him with the madness that seemed endemic to it. He was certain that Marvin would not greet him with anything approaching equanimity. He had shot at the Martian, after all. But Dodgers had insisted that Marvin would be willing to have "a nice little chat." Teal'c grimaced. How "nice" a chat it would be remained to be seen.

"Marvin!" Teal'c called as he came into range of the yellow spaceship. "Marvin the Martian! I would speak with you!"

He was rewarded with movement near the telescope. Marvin sashayed into view from behind the apparatus, eyeing him suspiciously. "What do you want?" the Martian inquired.

Inquiry was good, as far as Teal'c was concerned. It meant Marvin the Martian wasn't going to start shooting out of hand. "I must speak with you," Teal'c repeated. He stopped walking and stood still, waiting for Marvin the Martian to respond.

Marvin nodded at the staff in Teal'c's hands. "Interesting weapon you've got there. I don't believe I've ever seen anything like it before."

"I find yours intriguing, as well," Teal'c replied, noting the ray gun strapped to Marvin's hip.

They stared at one another, neither willing to blink first. Teal'c was a past master at this particular activity, and was perfectly willing to settle into a nice, long stare-down. It was better than shooting, especially since he couldn't even trust his own weapon.

After a few minutes, Marvin seemed to grow impatient with the child's game and broke the standoff. "What did you want to talk about?"

"Your plans. Why have you cut off Earth's supply of Unobtainium-451?" Teal'c didn't believe the Martian would answer, but there was nothing to be lost by asking the question.

To his surprise, Marvin replied, "Because Earth won't need it soon. Very soon."

"Why is that?"

"I'm going to blow it up."

It was stated so calmly, so matter-of-factly, that Teal'c could not believe his ears. He cocked his head, gazed at the Martian, and said, "Could you please repeat that?"

Marvin obliged. "I'm going to blow up the Earth."

No, he hadn't misheard. Teal'c could only ask, "Why would you do such a thing?"

"Because it obstructs my view of Venus. It's very annoying," Marvin said in that prissy, nasal tenor of his.

"Your view of Venus?"

"Yes." Marvin gestured at his telescope. "I simply adore observing Venus. It's my favorite hobby, you know, but that dratted Earth gets in the way so very often. It's really quite irritating."

"It blocks your view of Venus, so you are going to blow it up?" Teal'c asked, just to confirm this latest absurdity in the very long string of absurdities he had encountered ever since falling through the quantum mirror. Which reminded him... "What has the quantum mirror to do with blowing up the Earth?"

"The quantum mirror?" Now it was Marvin's turn to look confused.

"The device you took from Duck Dodgers--it permits travel between parallel realities."

"Oh, you mean the variable quantum phase portal to alternate realities and parallel universes! Yes, that is quite integral to my plan. You see, I believe that all the other Marvins in all the other universes are just as frustrated as I am about the situation with the Earth. So I'm going to do my counterparts a favor and blow up all the Earths, everywhere. Yes, indeedy."

Teal'c stared at him. "All the Earths, in all the universes, in all possible existences?"

"Oh, my, yes. Can't leave a job half finished, you know. No, that would be too careless of me." He beamed at Teal'c and added, "It's so nice to talk with someone who understands and doesn't get all upset about such inconsequential matters. Would you like to watch? It will be a lovely explosion, I'm sure. The kaboom should be quite stupendous." He started patting himself down, then started scanning the ground. "Now, where did I put that silly thing?"

"Put what?"

"My Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator, of course. Help me look for it, would you?"

Teal'c couldn't stop staring, even when Marvin dropped to all fours to scrabble around in the lavender dust for his Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator. The whole scheme was the plan of a madman who had lost his last vestiges of contact with reality. There was simply no other way to describe it. And yet, Marvin didn't seem the type. He was quiet, soft-spoken, supremely rational. Why would such a being want to cause such terrible destruction?

Teal'c's only real experience with cosmic madmen on this kind of scale was with the Goa'uld, who never seemed to want to do anything quietly, or for reasons that had much to do with rational thought. Flamboyance was the Goa'uld way. Such a specimen as Marvin the Martian was quite outside his experience.

"Ah, there you are!" Marvin exclaimed happily. He stood up holding a small, brick-red cylinder with a short string dangling from one end. "You naughty Space Modulator, you." He shuffled over to his telescope, and screwed the Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator into the end that Teal'c had originally believed to be the viewing eyepiece. Teal'c noticed that the quantum mirror was placed near the telescope and attached to it with tangled coils of brightly colored wire. The mirror's surface glistened with random flashes of light. It was still active.

"What are you doing now?" Teal'c asked, wondering just when Dodgers was going to spring into action. The time was now, before Marvin the Martian could put his plans into effect.

"I have my telescope aimed right at the Earth. When I light this fuse--" Marvin indicated the string dangling from the red cylinder that was now mounted securely in the telescope, "--the Space Modulator will explode, and blow up the Earth with it."

"I see." And in a strange way, Teal'c truly did. The infection of insanity was complete, he feared. He understood that Marvin's scheme would work perfectly, that somehow Earth--all Earths everywhere--would be destroyed by a single explosion occurring many light years away in the Booties sector. The pliable laws of physics would ensure that outcome as they merrily ran amuck.

Much as he wanted to, Teal'c couldn't just dive through the mirror and hope he would return to his own world. Not with Marvin planning to destroy all the Earths in all the quantum realities. Were Marvin to succeed, Teal'c's Tau'ri friends and comrades, who were his greatest hope for overthrowing the Goa'uld and freeing his people, would be annihilated. He could not let that happen.

For the first time in hours, he felt his symbiote squirm in his womb. Was the larva picking up on his agitation?

While he mused, Marvin the Martian produced a lighter and flicked it a few times. When it ignited, he held the flame under the Space Modulator's fuse. The sight shook Teal'c out of his reverie, and he snapped to attention. He whipped his staff weapon into firing position, aimed straight at Marvin's midsection. "Stop!" he commanded. "I cannot allow you to do this."

Marvin blinked huge black eyes at him, looking not unlike a lost puppy dog. "You don't want to see the stupendous kaboom?"

"I cannot permit you to destroy all the Earths in existence."

"How terribly, terribly disappointing." Marvin looked so mournful, it was almost laughable. "I just suppose I shall have to do this on my own, after all."

He didn't seem the least bit disturbed by the situation. Teal'c shifted his grip on his staff uneasily. Truly, he did not wish to shoot Marvin, but it appeared the Martian would leave him no other choice. Then again, there was every possibility that, as had happened earlier, his staff weapon wouldn't shoot straight, that he was making an empty threat--and Marvin knew it.

Where was Duck Dodgers? Surely he and Eager Young Space Cadet had had enough time to get into position to implement their plan. Had something happened to them? Had Marvin the Martian unseen allies, who perhaps had already captured the two space adventurers?

That alarming thought had barely formed when a familiar voice rang out: "Drop that lighter, you vile Martian fiend! So commands Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!"

Teal'c and Marvin both whirled. Duck Dodgers heroically sprang out from behind the spaceship. His flat, webbed feet slapping the dry earth, he arrogantly strode forward. Marvin's eyes narrowed in anger, and he reached for his ray gun. With a strident "Gotcha!" Dodgers pounced. The lighter went flying as the two arch-enemies rolled and grappled in the dust.

"Psssst."

Teal'c looked around for the source of the hissing.

"Pssssst. M-m-mister Teal'c. Over h-h-here. By the qua-qua-- the dimensional mirror."

Keeping a weather eye on the combatants, who were locked in an apparent death grip, Teal'c sidled to the quantum mirror. Eager Young Space Cadet was hiding behind it with a pair of wire cutters. "C-c-could you give me a h-h-ha-hand with this, Mister Teal'c? S-s-straighten those wires for me, please."

Teal'c glanced back. Dodgers and Marvin were now each trying to reach the lighter, while the other did his best to prevent his opponent from taking hold of it. Judging that the contest would not reach a critical point just yet, and that the infinite Earths took precedence over the one, Teal'c obediently pulled the tangles of wire taut. Eager Young Space Cadet went to work, severing the quantum mirror's connections with the Martian's telescope-cum-ultimate-weapon. In but a few seconds, the multicolored cables hung limply, their ends brushing the ground and emitting fat, blue sparks.

"Th-th-there," the pig announced as he put his clippers away. He dusted off his hands. "N-n-now all the Earths a-a-are safe."

"Except yours," observed Teal'c.

"W-w-well, yes, there's that."

A shout came from behind them. Teal'c slewed around. A disheveled and confused-looking Duck Dodgers sat on his feathered posterior a few feet from the telescope. Marvin now clutched the lighter. Triumphantly, he flicked it to life and held the flame to the Space Modulator's fuse, which burst into merrily sizzling sparkles.

"We must assist Duck Dodgers!" Teal'c exclaimed. "Or your Earth is doomed!"

The pig nodded. "W-w-we should hurry!"

The pair moved forward, flanking Marvin. The Martian glared at them. He backed up slowly, and one white-gloved hand reached for his holstered ray gun. Before he could draw it, Teal'c and Eager Young Space Cadet aimed their own weapons straight at him. Although Teal'c still feared his staff would not shoot straight, there was every possibility that the pig's gun would, since it had been designed with this universe's unusual physics in mind. Apparently, Marvin wasn't willing to take the chance, and he raised his empty hands into the air as a sign of surrender.

Even as Teal'c and Eager Young Space Cadet engaged Marvin the Martian, Dodgers recognized the danger of the still-lit fuse, whose sparking flame sputtered ever closer to the Space Modulator. "It's a trick! He's distracting us!" he yelled, and leapt to his feet. "I'll stop his fiendish plan!" He bounded forward to the telescope and quickly unscrewed the Space Modulator from it. Then he turned and struck a taunting pose, gloating, "Let's see this silly thing destroy the Earth now."

Teal'c stared. The Space Modulator's fuse was still burning.

"Dodgers!" he cried. "Duck Dodgers! The fuse!"

"Whaddaya mean, the fuse?" Dodgers turned his head to the red cylinder in his hand. His eyes widened at the sight of the merry sparkles, speedily burning the last few millimeters of their way toward the business end of the Space Modulator. "Oops."

The explosion was spectacular.

Teal'c's eyes were screwed shut, and his ears rang with discordant glee. His fists were clenched so tightly that his palms and knuckles ached. One hand held his staff in a death grip, the other squeezed hard on something warm that gave gently. His feet dangled uselessly beneath him. He took a deep breath of smoky air and adjusted his grip, attempting to ease the stress on his hands without losing his hold on whatever it was that kept him from falling into unknown depths. As he did so, he came to the belated realization that he was still alive.

Teal'c pondered that startling idea. How was it, exactly, that he was still alive? He was reasonably certain that the Pu-36 Explosive Space Modulator had exploded, after all. He could still smell the smoke.

Best to survey the situation, then draw conclusions. Warily, he opened his eyes.

He immediately wished he hadn't.

He was hanging from one hand over the limitless void of space. Stars glittered in the velvet black distance like polished luma gems. Nearby, stony debris and delicate wisps of smoke drifted in graceful and surreal art forms.

With no little apprehension, Teal'c glanced up, checking the solidity of his handhold. To his dismay, he discovered he was holding onto Eager Young Space Cadet's pudgy leg. The pig, in turn, was clutching a tangled bunch of roots protruding from a large, irregular chunk of rock and dirt. With a start, Teal'c realized it was all that remained of the planet. Marvin the Martian had both arms wrapped around Eager Young Space Cadet's waist. The Martian's eyes were alarmingly wide.

The clump of earth from which they were all so precariously suspended floated in space among the debris of the explosion.

A grating voice called out, "That'll teach you Martians to mess with the Earth!"

Teal'c's head shot up. At the dirtball's apex stood Duck Dodgers in an absurdly heroic pose. He continued, "We have won a great victory this day! So declares Duck Dodgers in the twenty-fourth and a half century!"

Teal'c could contain himself no longer, and permitted himself to groan aloud. This was not what he would consider a victory, and now he was stranded, hanging in space from the thready remnants of an obliterated world.

He frowned. How was any of this possible, anyway? How was it possible for any of them to hear and talk--or breathe for that matter--in "airless" space? Why was there "up" and "down" in the absence of gravity? It made no sense. He understood that this reality's laws of physics--or perhaps "suggestions of physics" might be a better term--were flexible, but this seemed extreme. He closed his eyes, thoroughly tired of this universe, and desperately wished he could go home.

He heard Eager Young Space Cadet make a desultory noise in response to Dodgers's proclamation. The Martian looked resigned and remained silent. Neither appeared terribly concerned--in fact, they seemed almost bored, as though this sort of thing happened to them often. Perhaps, Teal'c thought, it did.

His eyes again scanned the debris, and caught sight of a familiar, iridescent shimmer. An instant later the quantum mirror floated into view. Teal'c felt his heart beat faster, felt his symbiote squirm in anticipatory joy. Here, as his Tau'ri companions might say, "was his ticket out of here." If only he could somehow reach it.

"Hey, that's my mirror!" Dodgers yelled. "Teal'c, do you see it! There it is!"

"Indeed, I do see it," Teal'c returned, his gaze fixed hungrily upon the object. Should he let go of the pig's leg and try to jump to the mirror? Could he manage such a feat? At home, the chances of success would be remote, but in this universe it might be worth a try.

"N-n-n-now's your chance, Mr. Teal'c," said Eager Young Space Cadet. "It'll p-p-pass right under us soon."

"Perhaps I shall make the attempt," Teal'c said. Was it still "aimed" at the right universe? he wondered. Were it not, he could end up in even more difficulty. For a brief moment, he imagined himself wandering from universe to universe, never reaching home, landing in one absurd predicament after another.

He decided he didn't care. He had long since come to the conclusion that anywhere was better than here. He waited, watching the mirror float nearer and nearer. When he judged it to be in the correct position, he let go of Eager Young Space Cadet's leg and fell downwards.

As he tumbled through space, he heard the porcine space hero call, "G-g-good luck, Teal'c!"

Luck. He'd need a lot of that. While he was quite accustomed to maneuvering in zero-G, having spent much time in outer space in the service of Apophis, here he was at an extreme disadvantage. There was nothing for him to hold onto or use to position himself. He had no air-jets to use to orient his body into the correct trajectory. How was he to achieve his aims, when he was so completely helpless, at the whims of inertia and the frictionless environment? The quantum mirror drifted below him, almost mocking him--daring him to reach it in spite of his immense handicaps.

He knew he would miss it, and end up drifting forever in an alien universe.

Dodgers's voice yelled out from behind him, "Glide, Teal'c! Glide!"

It made no sense, but then neither did "up" and "down" in space. Given the inconsistency of the physical "laws" in this unnatural universe, he decided it was worth the attempt. He stretched out his arms as wide as he could and attempted to angle his body onto the right trajectory.

It worked. Teal'c thought he should be beyond amazement at this stage, but still he could not believe it. Somehow, through simple body English, he was able to affect his course through space, so that he was aimed directly at the mirror's shimmering flat surface. Distantly, he heard Duck Dodgers and Eager Young Space Cadet cheering him on, encouraging him to continue, as he drew closer and closer to his objective. The mirror loomed larger and larger in his view. Just a few meters more, and he would be on his way out of this lunatic reality. Teal'c was overjoyed.

Then all rational thought was obliterated as he surrendered once more to the nightmarish chaos of the quantum mirror.

Someone was slapping his face. He turned his aching head and tried to bat the offending hand away.

"Teal'c! Come on, big guy, wake up."

The voice was familiar, although the volume of it made his headache pound even more furiously. Then a fragment of memory jolted him. Marvin the Martian was going to blow up the Earth. Dodgers had tried to intervene, but instead had ended up with the activated bomb in his hands. It was about to explode...

"Duck Dodgers!" Teal'c shouted, opening his eyes and sitting up abruptly. "The Space Modulator!"

"Whoa! Teal'c, you okay?"

Wild-eyed, Teal'c stared at his surroundings. He was back in the strange room in the abandoned city, where his latest series of misadventures had first begun. O'Neill watched him with concern. Teal'c looked further, saw Captain Carter and Daniel Jackson guarding the entrance. They kept glancing back, their nervousness apparent. "What has happened?" he finally asked, bewildered.

"You tell me. That's a pretty bad bump on the ol' noggin you got there."

"My head is injured?" Teal'c winced as O'Neill poked at his forehead.

"Sure looks like it to me. Can you stand?"

"I believe so. I am certain the injury is minor."

"Uh, huh." O'Neill looked dubious, but nonetheless helped Teal'c to his feet. "And you mistook me for a cartoon character because--?"

"A cartoon character?" Teal'c rubbed his head and swallowed to control a sudden roil of nausea. He knew that Tau'ri cartoons were animated drawings created for entertainment purposes. He found them vastly amusing, but he would never mistake them for reality. There had been nothing even remotely cartoon-like about that parallel universe. O'Neill, on the other hand...

Repressing a most inappropriate smirk, Teal'c stifled that last thought.

"Duck Dodgers," O'Neill elucidated. He bent down and retrieved the staff weapon.

Teal'c frowned as he accepted his staff. Now that his memory had been prodded, he recognized the lunatics he had lately been associating with. Daffy Duck and Porky Pig, two of the strangest and most entertaining of the Tau'ri cartoon creations. In fact, Teal'c had just seen "Duck Dodgers in the 24 1/2^th Century" the day before yesterday. Now that he thought on it, many events in his adventure had strongly resembled scenes from that foolish cartoon.

"I was dreaming?" Even as he asked the question, he realized that must have been the case; in fact, it clearly seemed the only possible explanation.

"'Fraid so. Now, come on, buddy. I know you're foggy, but we've got to skedaddle. Those Jaffa won't stay scared off for long." O'Neill kept a steady grip on Teal'c's arm and tugged him forward.

The course of events became clear to Teal'c. He had, indeed, been trapped by enemy Jaffa. He must have been shot by a zat'nik'atel, must have hit his head as he fell. His teammates must have arrived in time to rescue him. The entire adventure in the parallel universe had been imaginary, the hallucinatory result of his head injury.

O'Neill was correct about the danger to him and his teammates. More Jaffa would soon be upon them. They must retreat from this place as quickly as possible. Teal'c allowed O'Neill to support him while they jogged to the doorway. As Daniel Jackson took his other arm, Teal'c spared a quick glance back. He caught a brief, iridescent shimmer out of the corner of his eye, and craned his neck to get a better look. He frowned when he observed nothing more interesting than lab furniture and broken equipment. Was his head injury making him see things? He would need to mention this to Doctor Fraiser.

Captain Carter moved ahead, taking the point. "Come on, hurry!" she called back, keeping her submachine gun ready. "It's still clear!"

Supported on both sides by his teammates, Teal'c managed to stay upright and move through the corridors at a decent clip, resolutely defying the nausea and dizziness that threatened to overtake him. From his present symptoms, as well as his prior hallucinations, he feared he had a concussion. He would not allow his physical weakness to slow him down, or endanger his friends. He gritted his teeth and ran for all he was worth.

They were lucky. No Jaffa pursued them. A few minutes later, SG-1 dove through the Stargate to safety.

The alien laboratory was eerily silent. Nothing stirred, even the air was quiet. Punctuating the stillness, an otherworldly light flared at irregular intervals from behind a heap of dormant machinery. Sometimes the flashes occurred within seconds of one another, at other times they were separated by as much as an hour. Over time, the ghostly shimmers appeared less and less frequently, coming further apart as the hours dragged on.

Finally, succumbing to the damage done it by the earlier zat'nik'atel and staff blasts, the quantum mirror flickered to life one last time then went dark forever.

July, 2002

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