God's Will

by

Tiffany Park

I can't bear the devastation on Dean's face, the self-incrimination that shows in every breath he takes. He looks so fragile in the hospital bed, sounds so defeated as he haltingly tells me he broke the First Seal, when he spilled blood in Hell. Alastair told him about that out of spite, to stab his former victim one last time and then twist the knife hard.

Oh, Dean.

I protest--I mean, Dean's the one who always reminds me that demons lie, right? Who would believe anything Alastair said? But Dean tells me that Castiel reluctantly confirmed it, just a little while ago. I almost like Castiel for keeping this particular secret from Dean for so long.

And then Dean reveals more. How it was supposed to be Dad who broke the Seal. That our father held out for one hundred years in Hell-time. How Dad never broke, never gave in. Never broke the Seal. Then he was freed. And instead Dean took his place and broke after "only" thirty years. His face crumples, and his voice shakes with misplaced guilt.

Jesus.

I sit with him through his confessions. I try to comfort him, to tell him it wasn't his fault, that he couldn't have known--but he won't hear it. The guilt is tearing him apart. He's shattering before my eyes and I don't know what to do.

He closes his eyes and tells me to leave. I think he means it. I escape the hospital room, heading outside to find a nice, secluded spot where I can break down without making Dean feel even worse.

Dean blames himself for being too weak. Hah. What a bad joke. Dean's not weak, our father was just freaking secretive. I'm sure Dad knew everything that was going on. He just didn't tell us.

I'm willing to bet that's why Dad held on the way he did: because he knew the true consequences of breaking down and doing what the demons wanted. He knew it would begin the long march to the Apocalypse.

I'd bet my very soul that if Dean had known the truth--the full truth--he'd have held on, too.

I have mixed feelings about that, but ultimately I'm glad Dean gave in. Otherwise he'd still be in Hell, still being tortured every single day of who knows how long by Alastair and the other monsters there. The reason Dean is free and alive again is because he didn't hold out. I know the story now. The angels wouldn't have rescued him otherwise. Until that first Seal was broken--until a righteous man spilled blood in Hell--they had no use for Dean. But now they need him to fix things, by the dictates of their own stupid prophecy.

So I thank God for that one favor, if for nothing else lately.

Doesn't stop me from cursing Dad for his insanely secretive habits, though.

I'm sure Dad knew the truth about--well, probably about everything. For sure he knew about me and the demon blood. About Mom. Dad knew who that yellow-eyed demon really was. The way he used to talk, he must've known how it all fit together. Where it would all lead.

Maybe I'm being unfair to him. Maybe it was just his obsessiveness and sheer cussedness that carried him through his time in Hell.

Yeah, right.

Damn it, why did our father have to be so secretive? Why couldn't he have shown us the big picture? Maybe if we'd known more, we could have gone down a different path. Maybe none of this would have happened.

There's no point telling Dean this. Dean won't listen. He always was too blindly supportive of Dad's motivations. Never would hear a word against the man. He was always so sure that Dad knew what he was doing. He probably still believes it.

"Hey, Dad!" I yell at the sky. "Wherever the hell you are! You happy now? You see what your damned secrecy's done to us? We're screwed, Dad! And so is the whole freaking world!"

Of course there's no answer.

Those lousy angels are just as bad. To think, I admired them so much while I was growing up. Hell, let's face it, I idolized them up until just a few months ago. I was a real true believer. Angels were God's agents; they did His work. What's not to like?

A lot, it turned out.

I'd forgotten that demons like Azazel and Lucifer started out as holy angels. I was so busy fighting, I never thought about their origins. And since the non-Fallen variety never made an appearance before, it was easy to forget that they might have a stake in the battle with Hell's angels.

Not to mention all the Biblical stuff about what angels really do. I'd forgotten--or perhaps never quite appreciated--that there's good reason why angels were always saying "Fear not!" to mortals in the old stories. I know better now. Angels are shit scary. Sane mortals should always be afraid when God's Minions put in an appearance.

Angels are God's tools for punishment as well as reward. Messengers of joy, and agents of destruction. Creatures of holy fire, incandescent instruments of divine retribution, shining like stars in the firmament. Like unstoppable forces of nature, like the sun and the moon, they are beautiful and terrible. Merciful and merciless. Unfathomable.

Lately, I've been brushing up on my Old Testament, the stuff that usually gets de-emphasized and whitewashed. Turns out Castiel and his buddies are behaving true to form.

Just like Dad, they keep secrets. They won't let us in on the Plan, not even our own roles in it. They threaten and push and manipulate. With Dean, they're using both the carrot and the stick to make him accept this Destiny they keep going on about. Just like those other poor puppets of Destiny in the Bible. And like so many of them, Dean keeps trying to find a way out.

Poor Dean. One thing I've learned from my recent reading--relearned, and this time taken to heart--is that God always gets His way. Mortals don't stand a chance.

Oh, sure, they're promised rewards in Heaven. That might've been fine in the bad old days--although the way some of those old Biblical heroes whined and struggled against their Destinies, maybe not--but it's sure not going to motivate Dean. He's never cared about religion. He's more focused on this world, this life. Arguments about his Destiny and how God has Work for him won't sway him. Threats only make him dig in his heels. He always did have a contrary streak.

It seems that Castiel, at least, understands this. He talks about the kinds of things that motivate Dean: His hatred of the demons, his desire to save his fellow humans from the horrors the demons will unleash. Little by little, that sort of talk was working...until now.

Now Dean knows too much of the truth, and he's falling apart.

I want to help him so much. It's not fair that he's shouldering this burden. But the angels sure don't like me. They don't want me around at all.

Still, there is Biblical precedent: Barak wouldn't go into battle without Deborah by his side; Moses had his brother Aaran. I don't see why Dean can't have his brother Sam. Aaron did his share of magic tricks, though he wasn't tainted with Demon Blood, and didn't deliberately besmirch himself like I do to strengthen my Hell-borne powers. Then again, Aaron pulled a few unapproved stunts of his own, like making that Golden Calf, so it's not like he was perfect, either.

God obviously forgave him, since he went on to become the High Priest.

I honestly have no idea what God thinks of me. The angels don't like me, but that might not mean anything. I understand now that angels don't always represent God's Will. Look at how Uriel deceived Castiel, how he murdered his comrades, and what he forced Dean to do. Look at Lucifer and Azazel and the Watchers, who all disobeyed God--in pretty drastic ways--and became demons in Hell. They sure weren't obedient little foot soldiers or unquestioning drones with no free will, were they? Why did God even allow it in the first place?

Was all that God's Will?

Was everything that's happened to Dean--to us--God's Will? Was everything that's ever happened everywhere, all of it leading up to these events, this moment...was it all God's Will?

The old cliche comes to mind: "God moves in mysterious ways." I don't want to believe it, not this time.

No matter. I'm not dealing with God directly, just His biased, often blind, and sometimes rebellious Messengers. The angels aren't likely to overlook my demon taint, and that does complicate things.

Too bad. I'm going to do whatever it takes to help Dean through this. It all started long before we were born, but we're the ones who have to deal with the mess. We need to see it through together.

Angels and Demon Blood be damned.



- end -


March, 2009

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