DISCLAIMER: Star Trek and its characters are the property of Paramount. This story is for entertainment purposes only and no money exchanged hands. (Like any money could ever conceivably be made with this tripe!) No copyright infringement is intended. The original characters, situations, and story are the property of the author. This story may not be posted elsewhere without the consent of the author.

"Hey, Sulu! What'cha got there?" Kevin Riley's irrepressible voice pierced the din in the officers' mess.

Sulu winced as he collected his dinner. True to form, Riley had managed to stop all conversation in a fifteen foot radius, while somehow directing everyone's attention onto his current target. What seemed like hundreds of curious eyes were now focused on Sulu, expecting God only knew what. All they actually saw was the Enterprise's chief helmsman, clutching a translucent blue vase. A long, slender branch, covered with triangular green leaves and several stalks of purple flowers, swayed gracefully over the edge of the vase and promptly fell out. Sulu balanced the vase on his tray, replaced the cutting, and walked over to Riley's table.

"Hello, Riley," Sulu said with amused resignation. He set his tray down then sat across from the other man. "Didn't your mother ever teach you not to shout at the table?"

Riley pretended hurt. He placed his hand over his heart and said dramatically, "This is what I get for expressing interest in the interests of a friend. I'm wounded, Sulu. Cut to the core."

"Yeah, right."

"So what's with the flowers?" Riley eyed the vase speculatively. Before Sulu could stop him, Riley snatched it up and buried his nose in the flowers. "Mmmmm, smells pretty good. Who's it for, Sulu? Anyone I should get to know?" he added with mock lechery.

Sulu grinned and grabbed his vase back. "Sorry to disappoint you, but it's for me. We just got a new shipment down in Botany, and since I was the one who filled out all those forms to get it, I figured they owed me a cutting." He tapped the plant, watched it nod gently. "Besides, I've got big plans for this little fella. I'm gonna root it, and try out some stuff I found in the computer--"

"Well, that's dull. I'll never understand how you can prefer those weird plants to the ladies."

"Oh, I've got room in my life for both," Sulu said, laughing. "In fact, there's this cute technician in Botany--"

"Uh, oh," Riley whispered. "Red alert, Sulu. Senior officers at six o'clock."

"What?" Sulu's head whipped around, to see Captain Kirk, Mr. Spock, and Dr. McCoy approaching the table.

"Whoops, gotta run," Riley said. He grabbed his tray and made a remarkably quick getaway.

"Riley, you--" Sulu began. He started to stand up, considering a strategic retreat of his own. Too late. The captain and his entourage had already gathered around him and were staring curiously at his little cutting.

"At ease, Mr. Sulu," said Kirk, smiling, obviously mistaking Sulu's half-risen posture for an attempt to stand at attention. "We only want to take a look at your flower. Dr. McCoy, here," Kirk jerked his head at the doctor, who scowled at him, "thought it looked familiar."

"It is familiar," McCoy insisted, eyeing the plant with a frown. "I know I've seen it somewhere before."

"The doctor has been obsessed with it ever since you arrived in the mess," Spock added. "And while pueraria lobata is an attractive enough plant, I cannot fathom his sudden and uncharacteristic interest in horticulture."

"Shut up, Spock. I'm trying to think." McCoy continued to stare at Sulu's cutting. His brow furrowed in concentration.

"Certainly, Doctor. After all, such a rare activity must be encouraged."

McCoy ignored him and asked, "Sulu, do you know what it's called?"

"Spock called it puerie-something, Bones." Kirk remarked unhelpfully, before Sulu could reply.

"Pueraria lobata," Spock corrected. "It is a fast-growing perennial vine with trifoliate leaves, and produces clusters of purple flowers on long racemes. I believe it is a member of the fabacea family. The vine was used in ancient China and Japan to produce food, medicines, cloth, and paper. During the Great Depression of the early twentieth century it was widely planted in the southern United States to control soil erosion, and--"

"Good God, it's kudzu!!!" McCoy howled.

"Indeed, Doctor, I do believe that is the colloquial term for the vine," Spock said approvingly. "I have obviously underestimated the breadth of your education in the sciences, particularly in the more exotic Earth botanical--"

"There's so little of it, I didn't even recognize it. Sulu, where did you get that? You've got to get rid of it!"

"Get rid of it? Are you kidding?" Sulu protested, finally able to get a word into the conversation. "Do you know how much trouble I went through to get a sample of this plant?"

"And I can't believe that you did! What on earth would anyone want with kudzu?"

"I wanted to study it. It's one of the crops that the Federation's evaluating for use in developing Sherman's Planet."

"They're gonna inflict that stuff on an innocent colony? On purpose?" McCoy was aghast at the mere idea of such an atrocity.

"Why not?" Sulu asked curiously. "It's perfect for terraforming and developing colony worlds. It'll grow almost anywhere. It can control erosion, it fixes atmospheric nitrogen in the soil, and it's got some medicinal properties to boot." Sulu paused in his enumeration of the virtues of kudzu to admire the stalk in his hand. He lifted the purple blossoms to his nose and inhaled deeply. "It's decorative, and the flowers smell good. Livestock love to eat it, so it makes great fodder. You can get fibers from the stems that are perfect for making rope and paper and stuff. It's completely safe for human consumption--in fact, there isn't a single part of the plant that isn't edible, and it's a good protein source. Why, you can even make jelly from the flowers. It's a wonder plant."

"It's a menace!" McCoy declared. "If you don't get it off the ship, it'll be the ruin of us all."

"Why?" Kirk asked.

"It's evil incarnate, that's why. It's pure, distilled malevolence. And it's sneaky, too. All those so-called benefits that Sulu here rhapsodized about are just camouflage to lull you into a false sense of security, when that damn plant's really about as benevolent as liver cancer."

"Doctor, you are anthropomorphizing. I fail to understand why you assign such malign properties to such a potentially useful plant," Spock said patiently.

"Because that vine damn near ate the South, that's why!" McCoy waved his arms for emphasis. "Its sole purpose in life is to engulf everything in its path. We lived in terror that one day it would consume every square inch of land available and everything on it, including all of us."

"'Ate the South?' Really, Doctor," Spock admonished.

"Spock, that stuff can grow a foot or more in a single day! My momma used to close my window at night so it wouldn't creep in and strangle me in my sleep. Damn plant oughtta be eradicated. Soon as someone finally figures out a way to kill it--"

"I'm only going to grow it in a small hydroponics vat and confine it to the Botany Lab," Sulu said defensively. "Besides, I'm counting on it to grow fast. I've got this cookbook I found in the library computer on how to cook kudzu--"

"You're gonna eat it?"

"What's the problem, Doc? Those recipes all came from your neck of the woods..."

"Hell, Sulu, it was everywhere. They had to do something with it." McCoy glowered at the sprig in Sulu's hand. "I'd hoped I'd never see any of that miserable stuff again. Now it's probably going to take over the ship."

Spock actually sighed. Kirk covered his mouth with a hand, but a few snickers escaped anyway. McCoy eyed him suspiciously.

"Honest, Doc, it'll be okay," Sulu insisted. "You'll see."

McCoy just muttered something to himself about naivete.

"Relax, Bones," Kirk said with a grin. "What harm can a few sprigs do? It's only a plant."

McCoy harrumphed at that bit of wrong-headedness. He shook his head and stomped away from the table.

"Now, that's paranoid," Kirk observed as he watched his CMO stalk out of the mess.

"It's not entirely unfounded," Sulu explained. "Kudzu overgrowth was a real problem in the southeastern United States from the early twentieth century until the mid twenty-second century. A lot of resources were expended in their attempts to control it. I didn't realize that anybody still felt so strongly about it, though."

"Perhaps it is still a problem," said Spock. "That would explain Dr. McCoy's extreme reaction to it."

"Why would the Federation consider using it, if it's got the potential to be such a problem?" Kirk asked.

"Apparently," Spock said, "they consider its benefits and versatility to outweigh its potential disadvantages."

"The disadvantages are minimal," Sulu added. "It's a nuisance at worst. You've just got to keep it pruned, is all. Really, kudzu only became a problem because they let it become a problem in the twentieth century. Sheer ignorance."

Sulu rolled over in his bed and stretched lazily, but didn't bother to open his eyes. Today he was off-shift, and he intended to make the most of it. He lounged for a few minutes, enjoying the luxury of sleeping in, and permitted himself to wake up gradually. Little by little, his mind started working again, coming to awareness and taking notice of his surroundings. He inhaled deeply. There was a pleasant, sweet scent in the air. It reminded him of sun-warmed grapes. He cracked open one eye, but his room was pitch black. "Lights," he mumbled, and the room brightened. He sat up with a sigh, scrubbed at his hair with both hands, then froze.

"Oh, my," was all he could manage to say.

The entire sleeping area was draped in leafy greenery. Heavy vines twined over the chair and nightstand, climbed up the wall and room divider, crept along the ceiling. Innumerable clusters of purple flowers hung gracefully from long stems, creating a floral canopy over the bed. Sulu sniffed appreciatively, realized that the flowers were the source of the grape-like smell.

The root ball had shattered the vase that originally held the plant when it was but an insignificant sprig, and the thick, brown tendrils draped over the edge of the nightstand, snaking away behind furniture and along the floor. Splinters of blue glass glittered all around them.

"Wow," Sulu said, gazing around his green-shrouded room in stunned amazement. "Guess Dr. McCoy wasn't kidding. You do grow fast." The first thought that occurred to him was that now he could try some of those recipes he'd found in an old cookbook, The Joy of Kudzu. He had enough of the stuff, he could probably try out all the recipes, plus some. His second thought was that he'd probably even be able to try making a few of the baskets described in the other book he'd found online, Kudzu for Fun and Profit. His third thought was that he'd have to clean up this mess. He rather hoped the kudzu was done growing for awhile.

His eyes widened suddenly, and he gasped as yet another thought struck him. "If a cutting of that stuff grew this much overnight, I wonder how its big brother in the Botany Lab is doing?"

That idea was rather disquieting. He slid his feet into his slippers, then padded over to the intercom, carefully stepping over the vegetable runners that crisscrossed the floor. "Botany Lab." There was no answer. He tried again, "Botany Lab, please respond." Sulu winced at the tiny note of panic that laced his voice. He dressed as quickly as he could, then headed out of his quarters at a dead run.

When he finally arrived, out of breath and wheezing, at the Botany Lab, he was greeted by the sight of Technician Julie Epstein backing out of the lab and swinging a machete wildly. The door slid shut, and she activated the lock with shaking fingers. Once the door was secured, she sagged against it, rubbing her shoulder.

"Julie? What's going on? What's in the lab?" Sulu wanted a look at whatever was in the lab and made to deactivate the lock.

"No! You can't go in there!" Epstein yowled, barring the door. She raised the machete threateningly.

"Julie. It's me, Sulu," Sulu said, enunciating each word carefully. "What's in the lab? Why didn't you answer my call?"

"Sulu? You called?" Epstein blinked. Then realization dawned, and she said, "Oh. Guess you didn't know. None of the intercoms are working on this deck."

"Huh? What the hell is going on down here?"

"That newest specimen of yours has gone hog-wild, that's what. It's all over the place, and I swear it's trying to escape. You can actually watch it grow. Everything in there's covered with the stuff. There isn't a bare spot in the entire lab."

"Oh." Sulu remembered how the vines in his quarters had twined over every available surface. A chill ran down his spine. "Oh, dear. Julie, I've got to go in there. I need to get Gertrude."

"You're crazy! Besides, I don't think any of our specimens could have survived that."

"I'm still going in."

"Fine. Be a lunatic. But at least take this," Epstein said, shoving the machete into Sulu's hands. "For all the good it'll do you. I'm gonna go get a phaser." She cast a last, appalled glance at the closed door, then bolted away.

Sulu watched her vanish down the hall, then shrugged and turned to face the lab's entrance. He deactivated the lock, and the door obligingly slid open. Sulu reeled back at the cloying sweetness that rushed out and overwhelmed his nose. He took a deep breath, got his gag reflex under control, and peeked through the doorway.

The Botany Lab was filled to the proverbial rafters with masses upon masses of leafy green vegetation and purple flowers. The vines blanketed every available surface, and the lab appeared filled with weirdly-shaped leaf sculptures, instead of the usual assortment of specimens and utilitarian lab benches, desks, and computer terminals. The runners climbed the walls and arched overhead, so that even the ceiling was covered with creeping stalks and triangular leaves. Some of the vines had forced themselves through the seams where the walls connected, bending and tearing the heavy metal like tissue, twining around the exposed cables and conduits, threading into the Enterprise's crawl spaces. Thousands of flower clusters were in full, glorious bloom, filling the air with that overpowering grape-like stench. The floor was completely smothered in thick, brownish roots from which small green buds sprouted. It was far worse than any jungle Sulu had ever seen.

"Gertrude?" Sulu called, peering through the dense greenery that covered the table where the Arcturian Potted Palm was usually situated. Finally, he spotted his favorite pet and gasped in horror.

Vines had twined around Gertrude, snaking into her protective, pot-shaped casing and spiraling up around her stalk. Gertrude's hand-shaped body hung limply over the casing; her five pink-frilled digits were individually decorated with curling kudzu tendrils that bore delicate stalks of tiny purple flowers.

"Gertrude!" Sulu shouted at the pathetic apparition, but the Potted Palm, which was usually quite animated, didn't so much as twitch. Suddenly furious, he raised the machete and swung at the nearest kudzu vine, slicing cleanly through it. It fell to the ground with a satisfying thud. Sulu smiled malevolently, watching the stump ooze a few drops of sap. Then, while he admired his handiwork, a most peculiar thing occurred. Two tiny buds appeared, one on each side of the stump. Before Sulu's amazed eyes, the buds lengthened into slender, winding vinelets that sprouted leaves as they grew. In a matter of seconds, two new vines had replaced the one Sulu had cut away.

"Dammit, no! That's impossible!" Sulu chopped at another vine, and the same thing happened again. He swung the machete again and again, desperate to get to Gertrude, but the kudzu vines kept growing back to block his way, getting thicker, denser, insinuating themselves along the doorway, gradually creeping out of the lab and into the hall.

Frantic now, Sulu slashed away at the kudzu, calling Gertrude's name over and over.

Dr. McCoy sat at his desk and scowled at the computer terminal, not seeing the lab report it displayed. Instead, he couldn't seem to focus on anything but that damned kudzu that Sulu had brought aboard. He shook his head and ordered himself to concentrate on the report. No matter what he tried, he couldn't stop worrying about it. The previous night, he'd dreamed of twining vines, bizarre kudzu pillars where forests used to stand, and cloying sweetness. Then in the morning, when he first awoke, he thought he saw a vine in his quarters, but when he got up to take a closer look, it was gone. Obviously he was seeing things. If he wasn't careful, he'd end up in the loony bin. He sighed, wishing futilely that he'd never so much as heard of kudzu. An impossible fantasy for anyone who'd been born and raised in the South.

A delicate scent wafted into his office. McCoy raised his head and sniffed. It was a distinctly sweet odor, similar to grapes. McCoy frowned. He knew that smell, all too well. But what the hell would kudzu flowers be doing in Sickbay? He swiveled his chair around, but of course nothing was there. Maybe Nurse Chapel was trying a new perfume.

McCoy returned his attention to his reports, but still couldn't concentrate. He grumbled irritably, cursing Sulu once more for bringing that miserable plague of a plant on board the Enterprise, then froze when something brushed his cheek. Heart in his throat, he turned his head slowly, and his eyes widened. A thin, curling tendril of kudzu was growing right through a seam in the wall. Its delicate tip rested, light as a feather, on his right shoulder. One leaf quivered slightly.

McCoy let out an unholy shriek and jumped away from the vine, knocking his chair over as he stumbled back. The kudzu vine hung there for a moment, then started moving slowly, its tip probing the empty air. McCoy watched, paralyzed with terror, as the fragile tendril circled slowly, gradually pointing itself in his direction. The vine lengthened, leaves budding from the stalk. Sweet smelling clusters of flowers bloomed in profusion all along it. It reached towards him, weaving hypnotically.

"Sweet Georgia," McCoy gasped. His paralysis broken, he bolted from the office and keyed the door shut. He backed away slowly, sweating with fear. Something thudded heavily against the door.

"Nurse? Nurse Chapel?" No answer. Chapel must be away on an errand. Great. He was all alone with that thing, since Sickbay was completely free of patients for once. McCoy supposed he ought to be grateful for that small mercy, but it still would have been nice to have some company, or at the very least a witness.

The banging increased. Dents appeared in the reinforced metal of the door.

Glancing about nervously, McCoy gingerly made his way over to the intercom and activated it. "Security." There was no response, not even static. He tried again, "Security. Is anyone there?" He toggled the switch a few times and tried a few other destinations, including the bridge, without any success. "Fine time for the intercom to break down," he muttered.

Silence. The pounding had stopped.

McCoy pressed his back against the cold wall and stared at the deformed office door, wondering if maybe the kudzu had given up. It was, after all, only a plant. Its attention span couldn't be too long. He started quietly edging his way to the exit.

The intercom emitted a shrill squeal. McCoy nearly jumped out of his skin at the sudden sound. He leaned back against the wall, panting hard, and clutched one hand against his chest in an attempt to calm his pounding heart. He glared at the offending device. Maybe the comm system was finally back on line. He took a deep breath and reached for the switch again.

The intercom exploded.

"Holy--" McCoy snatched his hand back from the mass of sweet scented, leafy shoots that erupted from the shattered remains of the intercom. Stealth abandoned, he turned and dashed out of Sickbay as fast as his legs could carry him, straight into the nearest turbolift. The two crewmen exiting it gave him peculiar looks, but he hardly noticed. His mind was reeling, but one thought prevailed: The captain had to be warned about the kudzu menace. McCoy twisted a control handle. "Bridge."

Though he knew it was irrational, he felt much safer when the turbolift finally started moving.

Captain Kirk sat in his command chair and gazed blankly at the viewscreen. These star-mapping expeditions might make Stellar Cartography and Mr. Spock happy, but they were deadly dull for everyone else on board. Especially the captain, who seemingly had nothing better to do than sign reports and approve requisitions. He sighed, wishing something interesting would happen. A minor distress call from a freighter, maybe. Nothing too drastic, just a little something to break up the routine and alleviate the boredom.

Riley drummed his fingers arrhythmically against his console, stopped when the relief helmsman, Lt. Leslie, shot him a nasty look. In the background, Uhura was running some kind of communications check. For the third time. Kirk smiled at that. It seemed the ennui was universal.

"Captain," Uhura said, hand to her earpiece and a bemused expression on her face. Obviously she wasn't bored. "We are experiencing intermittent communications failures in Engineering and Life Sciences."

"Have you isolated the problem, Lieutenant?" Kirk asked. Be careful what you wish for, he thought ruefully. While this small crisis would certainly relieve his boredom, he wished it could have been something a little more benign. A communications failure with Engineering was problematical at the best of times, and could be disastrous in an emergency. It was just as well that star-mapping was so uneventful.

"No, sir, not yet. It's strange, like the intercoms are being purposely disconnected--"

The turbolift doors slid open. McCoy jumped out and gasped, "Jim!"

Kirk swiveled his chair around and gaped at the panicked appearance of his CMO. "Bones? What's wrong?"

"Jim, the kudzu's out to get me!"

"Excuse me?"

"I'm seeing vines everywhere! In Sickbay, and my quarters, and..." McCoy glanced nervously over his shoulder. "I think it's following me."

"Doctor, are you feeling quite all right?" Spock asked in that tone of voice that indicated he thought the Chief Surgeon was being typically irrational.

McCoy frowned and tried again, a little more slowly this time. "You don't understand. There's kudzu all over Sickbay, maybe all over the ship. It's growing in the walls and disrupting the comm system. It attacked me--"

"Kudzu attacked you?" Kirk shook his head at the bizarre tale, wondering just what had gotten into the doctor. "Bones, I know you hate the stuff, but don't you think you're exaggerating just a little bit?"

"Jim, I'm telling you it was kudzu. I know kudzu when I see it."

Was it really possible that Sulu's latest botanical acquisition could actually be the source of Uhura's communications failures? It was obvious that something had rattled McCoy. Maybe being in space had somehow affected the plant. Then again, maybe McCoy just needed a vacation.

Uhura interjected, "Captain, there are reports of rustling sounds in the walls coming in from all over the ship."

"Rustling sounds?" Kirk echoed, shooting a querulous glance at Spock, who merely raised a single eyebrow at the turn of events. Okay, maybe it was the plant.

"Yes, sir," Uhura said, touching her earpiece again. Her eyes widened slightly. "And I'm getting reports of strange odors emanating from the air vents. They say it smells like grape juice, sir." She repeated that last fact with a straight face and in an expressionless tone that would have done a Vulcan proud.

McCoy shot Kirk a glance that plainly said 'I told you so.'

The turbolift doors slid open again, this time disgorging Engineer Scott, who was wild-eyed and bedraggled. "Captain, it's horrible," he cried breathlessly. "There are vines all over Engineering. They've taken over... My poor, wee bairns..."

"Scotty, are you all right?" McCoy asked, easing the man into a chair and checking him over. "Was it the kudzu?"

"I don't know what it was, plants of some kind, I think, but me an' most of my crew barely got out alive. Two of my lads disappeared fighting the stuff."

"Two men disappeared?" Kirk asked. "How?"

"Aye. Vanished, right enough. It was Parker and Brett. The vines just... overran them..." Scott shuddered. "It was... Well, Captain, I know it sounds daft, but it was like the plants singled them out."

"Sounds like your kudzu, all right, Bones," Kirk remarked with a sigh, finally forced to accept the irrational situation as reality. "But how the hell did it get into Engineering?"

"Sir, you won't believe this, but it was coming right out of the walls--"

"Just like in Sickbay, Jim," McCoy said.

"Captain," Spock said, "Based on Dr. McCoy's and Mr. Scott's statements, as well as the other reports being received by Lt. Uhura, it is apparent that the kudzu vines are growing in the ship's crawl spaces. At the accelerated rate at which pueraria lobata grows, I estimate that the Enterprise will be completely engulfed in vegetation in a matter of days."

"Any other good news, Spock?" Kirk asked sarcastically. Spock raised an affronted brow. The air suddenly filled with a whine which gradually increased in pitch and intensity, a sound which indicated that the ship had increased its speed. "What now?" Kirk wondered aloud. He stepped down to the helm. "Mr. Leslie, what's going on?"

"Captain!" Leslie said, staring at his helm controls. "Speed has increased to warp six."

"Warp six? Override that, Mr. Leslie."

"I can't, Captain." Leslie said, pressing buttons frantically. "The controls are locked. Looks like from Engineering, sir. Speed is now warp seven."

Riley looked up from his console and added, "Captain, we've changed course, too. We're on a direct heading for Sherman's Planet."

"Speed has stabilized at warp seven," Leslie added.

Spock had moved to examine to the helm and navigation controls. He straightened and turned to face Kirk. "Captain, this is fascinating. It would appear that the kudzu has taken control of the Enterprise."

Kirk's jaw dropped. "The kudzu-- Mr. Spock, do you know what you're suggesting?"

"Yes, Captain. I suspect that the kudzu is actually a sentient being of some kind, obviously quite intelligent. Its attack has been precise and methodical, and its targets have been both logical and highly effective."

"Ohmigawd," McCoy groaned, suddenly confronted with every Southerner's worst nightmare. "Sentient kudzu. I think I'm in Hell."

"Why Sherman's Planet?" Kirk wondered.

"The Federation Colonization Board was evaluating its suitability as a crop plant for that world," Spock pointed out. "Obviously, the kudzu has decided that Sherman's Planet will suit its purposes."

"And do you have a theory about what those purposes might be?"

"Without some form of direct communication with the kudzu life form, I cannot say for certain. However, I would hypothesize that it apparently wishes to colonize the planet, much as it attempted to do in the old South."

Kirk ignored the choking noises coming from his CMO, instead asking, "Spock, if it's intelligent, do you think there's some way we can communicate with it?"

"Perhaps," Spock said. "I propose the Vulcan mind meld."

"You're gonna mindmeld with kudzu?" McCoy gasped.

"Why not?" Kirk shrugged. "He's melded with weirder things."

McCoy grabbed Kirk's arm. "Jim, you can't let him do that! Who knows what that damned stuff will do to him? Besides, it's a plant. Spock's plan doesn't have a snowball's chance of working."

"Do you have any better ideas, Doctor? If we don't find a way to communicate it, we could lose the entire ship."

McCoy shook his head and released Kirk's arm.

"Then it's settled. Mr. Spock, whenever you're ready."

"We should begin immediately, Captain. The longer we delay, the greater the chance that the kudzu life form will completely overrun the Enterprise." Spock paused thoughtfully. "I would suggest that we make the attempt in the Botany Lab."

"A hunch, Mr. Spock?"

Spock gave Kirk a reproving look. "That was where the original kudzu sample was located. Undoubtedly, it will contain the densest concentration of plant materials, especially roots. Assuming the kudzu life form is intelligent, that is the one location where the mindmeld has the greatest chance of succeeding."

"All right, Spock. Let's go."

Spock nodded and stepped into the turbolift.

Kirk turned to McCoy and made an 'after you' gesture. "Come along, Doctor. I hate to say it, but if this doesn't work out you might be needed."

"I'm a doctor, not a horticulturist," McCoy griped, but he dutifully followed Kirk and Spock into the turbolift.

The ride to Botany was uneventful. Fortunately, the kudzu hadn't yet overgrown the turbolift shafts, and the car moved smoothly and without interruption. Kirk folded his arms and tried to relax, watching his companions. Spock was silent, apparently meditating in preparation for his mindmeld, and McCoy was muttering softly to himself. Kirk felt a stab of pity for the doctor when he remembered McCoy's story about the kudzu in Sickbay, and Scott's tale of what happened in Engineering. Intelligent or not, the kudzu was clearly a menace. The thing had already captured, and possibly killed, two crewmen, and managed to override his control of his own ship. Kirk wanted the kudzu off the Enterprise as soon as possible, preferably as chopped salad. No doubt Spock would object. Too bad.

Finally, the turbolift came to a stop. The doors slid open; Kirk and Spock stepped into the corridor. McCoy hung back. The other two men turned and looked at him expectantly. Spock raised an eyebrow; Kirk just looked annoyed. McCoy muttered something uncomplimentary about peer pressure, and reluctantly exited the lift.

Upon approaching the Botany Lab, they came upon an amazing scene: The lab door was held open by masses of thick, leafy vines, ornamented by clusters of pretty purple flowers. A frenzied Sulu was hacking away at the dense vegetation with a machete, screaming the name "Gertrude" with each chop of the heavy blade, while Technician Epstein took potshots through the door with a phaser. The scents of the crushed leaves, burned stems and smoking sap, and the cloying, grape-like stench from the flowers mingled into a foul miasma that hung stiflingly in the air.

"Oh, Lord, it's even worse than in Sickbay," McCoy moaned.

"Sulu!" Kirk shouted, trying to get his helmsman's attention. Sulu continued chopping and yelling, oblivious to everything around him. "Mr. Sulu! Stop it!" Kirk grabbed his arm, preventing another downward stroke of the machete, while noting with relief that Spock had managed to disarm Epstein. He tightened his grip on Sulu's arm to get his attention, and asked, "Now, what the hell's going on here, Sulu?"

"Sir, the kudzu has completely taken over the Botany Lab. We were attempting to cut through the vines to get Gertrude--"

"Who's Gertrude? Another one of the crew?" Kirk asked, thinking of the two unfortunate Engineering technicians.

"Oh, no. No, sir, nothing like that." Sulu looked mildly embarrassed. "Gertrude's my Arcturian Potted Palm. She's, uh, well, she's kind of like a pet, sir."

"A pet." Well, at least it wasn't another crewman.

McCoy peered into the lab and said, "I'm sorry, Sulu, but even from here I can see that she's dead."

Kirk and Sulu stared at him. Spock raised a brow.

"Ye gods, look at all that. It's even worse than back home." McCoy gestured at the dense, tangled masses of vines, roots, and foliage that overflowed from the Botany Lab. "Can we get this over with, so I can go have a nervous breakdown in peace?"

Spock said, "Captain, I must agree with the doctor. I would like to begin the meld immediately." He returned the confiscated phaser to Epstein, then extended his hands before him. With a look of intense concentration on his face, he cautiously stepped into the lab. Surprisingly, the vines shivered aside, revealing a narrow trail deep into the kudzu's very heart. At the center of the jungle was an immense, pulsating knot of thick roots. Spock knelt beside the throbbing root ball and, very gently, placed both hands upon it. "My mind to your mind," he intoned. "My thoughts to your thoughts..."

For long moments, nothing happened. Spock was motionless, seemingly frozen in place, fingers pressed against the thick kudzu roots. Kirk wasn't even sure that he was breathing.

Then Spock began humming.

"What the hell is that all about?" McCoy asked, startled.

"Well, it is a plant. I suppose it was bound to be, ah, different," Kirk replied lamely.

Spock continued to hum.

"Well, he's got a nice voice," Epstein offered tentatively. Sulu shushed her.

McCoy looked over at Kirk. "This is supposed to be useful?"

"Give him a chance," Kirk replied. McCoy rolled his eyes. Sulu and Epstein exchanged a skeptical glance.

After a few more minutes of listening to Spock's buzzing drone, McCoy ventured, "You think maybe he's stuck?"

"Spock?" Kirk called. "Spock, what's going on?"

Spock gave no sign that he even heard the question. The humming continued unabated.

"This is getting on my nerves," Kirk muttered. To McCoy, he said, "I suppose that's enough. We'd better get him out of there."

Kirk stepped carefully down the narrow trail, followed closely by McCoy. The kudzu did nothing to interfere with them. Each of them took one of Spock's arms. They physically pried the entranced Vulcan apart from the kudzu roots, then dragged him out of the lab, a little ways down the hall. Spock switched from humming to mumbling.

"Jim, set him down here, so I can check him out."

The two men arranged Spock's limp body on the floor, while Sulu and Epstein looked on helplessly. McCoy, lacking a medikit, knelt beside the unconscious man and checked his pulse, respiration, and temperature the old-fashioned way, by feel. He peeled back Spock's eyelids, then rested a hand on the Vulcan's forehead. Spock didn't rouse, just kept murmuring softly. After a few tense minutes, McCoy relaxed a bit and sat back on his heels. "Well, he seems all right, just sort of out to lunch, if you get my drift."

"What's that he's saying?" Sulu asked.

"He's chanting, I'd say. Something about germinating and sunlight." At Kirk's incredulous expression, McCoy added defensively, "Well, what do you expect? He melded with a plant."

"So what can we do for him?" Kirk asked.

"Normally, I'd say we should get him to Sickbay so I can check him out right, but the last time I was there, it was infested with kudzu, too." The doctor glared at Kirk and growled, "Damn it, Jim, I told you two this wasn't a good idea. Melding with kudzu. Of all the harebrained, addlepated, dimwitted--"

"I get the idea, Bones."

"-- idiotic, asinine, illogical stunts to pull--"

Epstein said, "I think it's looking for us."

Three heads swiveled in the direction she was pointing. The kudzu was growing again, vines spreading down the hallway, their tips probing the air. It rustled loudly, and in a sudden spurt of growth covered a good two feet of distance towards the hapless officers.

"Oh, hell," McCoy muttered.

"Let's get to the bridge," Kirk decided.

Kirk and McCoy hauled Spock into the turbolift, followed closely by Sulu and Epstein, who had their weapons out and ready. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when the doors slid closed. Sulu twisted a handle and said, "Bridge."

Meanwhile, Spock's eyes had finally opened. "Fascinating," he murmured, sitting up. "Absolutely fascinating."

Kirk helped him to his feet. "Spock? What happened?" The whole group looked on with interest.

"Captain, I believe I entered into a state of consciousness no animal life form as ever experienced before. A completely holistic and continuous awareness going back to the original root stock."

"So you were a mental vegetable," McCoy groused irritably.

"Doctor, that would be a somewhat inaccurate description of the mental processes involved in--"

"Never mind that," Kirk interrupted. "Did you learn anything that can help us?"

"Indeed I did. The kudzu plant is not native to Earth. It is an alien species."

"It's what?" McCoy asked, appalled.

Spock nodded his head. "The life form originally came to Earth to colonize it. It is unwilling to perceive animal life forms as capable of intelligence, however--"

"Spock," Kirk said, rubbing his eyes. "Start at the beginning. Please."

"Very well, Captain. Approximately twenty five thousand solar years ago, the kudzu life form was deposited on Earth. The method was crude; apparently its mothership simply dropped its transport container onto the planet from orbit. The plant landed in China, and from there spread to Japan. However, the climate of those geographical areas prevented it from reaching the appropriate biomass necessary to achieve awareness."

Sulu said excitedly, "So there needs to be a lot of it before it can become sentient? When there's not much of it, it's just a plant, right? That implies that it's all just one big composite entity."

"That is correct. Its sentience depends upon its ability to achieve a rather large biomass. Each colony is, in fact, composed of a single intelligence. The climates of China and Japan were not suitable for this to occur. It was not until it was introduced into the southeastern United States that it could truly thrive."

McCoy groaned, but didn't say anything. Kirk shot a sympathetic glance at him, but said, "Go on, Spock."

"In fact," Spock continued, "it found that particular location to be quite hospitable. Had it been allowed to grow unchecked, it would eventually have engulfed the entire region. However, it did not take into consideration the persistent stubbornness of the humans of that area, although it believed it could eventually defeat them."

"Wait, Spock," Kirk said. "You said it didn't think animals could be intelligent."

The turbolift doors slid open. The quintet strode onto the bridge. Kirk, Spock, and McCoy headed for the captain's seat. Kirk seated himself; Spock and McCoy took up their usual positions on either side of him. Sulu stood a little off to the side, fingering his machete, uncertain whether he should relieve Lt. Leslie or head back to Botany and Gertrude. Epstein leaned back against the Environmental Engineering station and tried to look like she belonged there; no way was she going back to Botany.

Spock explained, "By this time in its history, it had reluctantly decided that the human inhabitants of the area were, in fact, reasonably intelligent. However, at that point, it was quite resolved to exterminate them and conquer the region."

"It damn near did, too," McCoy added, disgruntled.

"The kudzu life form has determined Sherman's Planet to be conducive to colonization. If it arrives there, the planet will surely be lost to the Federation. Under the terms of the Organian Peace Treaty, the planet, and the region of space it occupies, will then fall into the Klingon Empire's sphere of influence."

"Won't be much good for the Klingons then, either," Sulu commented.

"Nobody wins," Kirk sighed. "Well, we know why it took over the ship, but why is it attacking my crew?"

"Because we're at war with it, that's why," McCoy stated flatly. "At least, that's why it's chasing me."

Spock cast an arch look at the doctor. "Dr. McCoy is correct. His continuing paranoia that the vines are following him is not unfounded. The kudzu does consider itself at war with the southeastern United States, and it seems to be holding a grudge. It is actively seeking out all those it considers its enemies. And since the good doctor rather publicly expressed a desire to see it exterminated--"

"I knew it," McCoy moaned. "It's gonna strangle me in my sleep, just like my momma always thought."

"Calm down, Bones. We're not going to let that happen," Kirk said. "Spock, how do we stop it?"

"Unfortunately, Captain, I was unable to determine that. The kudzu life form was able to prevent me from accessing any information of that nature," Spock replied serenely.

"Oh, that's just great." Kirk swiveled his chair around. "Mr. Sulu, Technician Epstein. You two are the botanists. Tell me anything you know about kudzu. Particularly, how to kill it."

Epstein hung her head sadly. Sulu got a panicked expression on his face. "Captain, I'm not sure we can. Back at the Botany Lab, every time I cut off a branch, two or three just grew right back. And Epstein here couldn't even make a dent in it with her phaser."

"What about you, Bones? You grew up with the stuff, you must know something about it."

McCoy shook his head in despair. "That's what I tried to warn you about in the mess hall yesterday. You can't kill it. Hell, Jim, the most toxic herbicides are like fertilizer to it, and it treats plastisteel-reinforced concrete like a mulch. Even the nuclear holocaust of World War III barely inconvenienced it."

"Doctor, you said it almost overran the South," Spock said. "That statement would imply that there is, in fact, some way of stopping it."

"Not that I know of." At Kirk's disbelieving expression, McCoy added defensively, "We never actually got rid of it, we just sort of keep it under control, that's all."

"All right, then, what will control it? Think, Bones," Kirk pressed. "What will slow it down?"

McCoy was silent for a moment, chewing his lip, then said, "Frost."

"What?"

"Frost. Whenever there was a heavy frost, all the vines died."

"That's right," Sulu said excitedly. "Kudzu won't tolerate cold!"

"But that was only temporary," McCoy protested. "It always came back, usually even bigger and meaner than before."

"Perhaps, Doctor," Spock said, "that was because its roots were protected from the cold by the soil." He looked at Kirk. "Of course, that situation would not be the case on the Enterprise."

Kirk's eyes gleamed. "Then we've got a weapon. We'll set the ship's environmental temperature to minus ten degrees Celsius, and let the thing freeze to death."

"You're gonna put the whole ship in the deep freeze?" McCoy asked incredulously. "You'd better issue extra blankets or cold weather gear to the crew, then."

"Negative, Doctor," said Spock. "If we do that, we may alert the kudzu life form to our plan, in which case it would undoubtedly move to take over all the environmental control systems."

"Spock's right, Bones," Kirk said, forestalling McCoy's protests. "We can't afford to underestimate that thing. The crew will just have to manage as best they can. They've all had survival training. They'll be fine."

"Aye," added Scott. "And they'll be running to ship's stores all on their own, to be sure. No one's going to have to tell them to get a jacket on. When did you want to begin, Captain?"

"There's no time like the present, Mr. Scott," Kirk said.

Scott nodded and turned to the Engineering station. After a few minutes, he announced, "Environmental controls are set and locked. There's not a damn thing that plant can do to override them now," he chortled, sounding inordinately pleased with himself.

"We'll see how happy you are in about two hours," McCoy muttered sourly. "When it really starts getting cold."

"Spock, how long will it take to kill all the kudzu?" Kirk asked.

Spock answered, "To ensure that all of the pueraria lobata is killed, I calculate that the ship's environmental temperature must remain at minus ten degrees Celsius for a minimum of eight point three one nine hours." He ignored the collective gasp that hissed around the bridge.

"Eight hours?" Riley asked, his eyes wide and incredulous.

"Eight point three one nine hours, Lieutenant," Spock corrected him pedantically.

Riley almost managed to suppress his whimper.

Captain's Log, Stardate 2501.6, Captain James T. Kirk recording:

After a thorough and extensive cleanup operation, we have finally managed to remove the dead kudzu from the ship. Other than a few pieces which the Botany Lab is keeping for further study, all of the kudzu material has been jettisoned into space and placed on a trajectory which will ultimately send it into the nearest star to be incinerated.

I am saddened to report that we incurred a number of casualties during the course of this incident. Most injuries consisted of frostbite and other cold-related trauma, and have been successfully treated. However, there were three fatalities: Engineering Technicians David Parker and Samuel Brett were engulfed and subsequently suffocated by the kudzu mass that invaded Engineering, and Ensign Annabelle Grant was strangled by kudzu vines in her sleep. It is significant to note that all of the victims were from the southeastern United States. Parker was from North Carolina, Brett from Alabama, and Grant from Louisiana. Unfortunately, this correlates all too well with Mr. Spock's telepathic impression that the kudzu did, indeed, consider itself at war with the South.

I have forwarded a transcript of our experience and findings to Starfleet Command, with a recommendation that pueraria lobata, more commonly known as kudzu, be removed from the Federation list of recommended colony crop plants. I can only hope that the powers that be will take this advice.

I have also recommended that kudzu be considered a hostile, alien invader, but I doubt that this suggestion will be taken very seriously. I can only offer the information obtained from Mr. Spock's mindmeld with it as evidence of its sentience, malevolence, and origin. This data will, no doubt, be considered far too subjective to be taken as conclusive proof.

Supplemental log:

It has become apparent that all crew members from the southeastern portion of the former United States, including my CMO, are exhibiting signs of stress, anxiety, and paranoia directly resulting from our encounter with the kudzu life form.

I find this matter of great concern, as anything that adversely affects crew morale ultimately affects the ship's daily operations.

However, Dr. Helen Noel, ship's psychiatrist, assures me that a long-term program of intensive counseling will help these crew members to deal with their not inconsiderable trauma. She has also scheduled a number of group therapy sessions over the next several months so that the affected crew members may provide one another with moral support during the recovery process.

I look forward to her success, and to a return to normalcy aboard this ship.

"What the hell is that?" McCoy's voice was shrill, startling Sulu from his concentration on a computer screen. The doctor was standing in the doorway of the Botany Lab and staring at the small, desiccated, brown twig resting on the lab bench.

Botany Technician Epstein diverted her attention from the dissecting scope to McCoy and ran a hand through her dark hair. "It's a piece of the kudzu vine."

"I can see that! What on earth is it still doing on this ship?" McCoy stalked over to the bench and glared at the twig with unveiled hostility.

Epstein inclined her head. "We kept a few pieces for research purposes."

"A few? You mean there's more?"

Sulu tore himself away from his computer and walked over to them. He looked at McCoy curiously and asked, "What's the problem, Doc?"

"What's the problem? You people have got kudzu in here!"

Sulu nodded enthusiastically. "We sure do. Took some fast talking to get Captain Kirk to let us keep some."

"The captain knows about this?" McCoy stiffened in outrage.

"Relax, Doc. There won't be any problems," Sulu said, attempting to placate the doctor. "It's dead. Deader than dead. Completely inert."

"But it's kudzu! It can't die."

In response, Sulu picked up a pair of forceps and prodded the twig, none to gently, a few times. He dug the sharpened metal prongs into the woody pulp and lifted the ugly brown specimen to eye level. "See? It's dead, Dr. McCoy."

McCoy stared hard at the small stem, but it didn't so much as twitch. He sighed, feeling a little foolish at his irrational behavior. "Oh. Well, excuse me," he said sheepishly. "I've got to go make an appointment with Dr. Noel." He hurried from the room.

"Poor Dr. McCoy," Epstein said sympathetically.

"He'll get over it," Sulu remarked, carefully setting the kudzu twig back on the bench.

"I suppose. Seems like half the crew has that reaction, though."

"Sure does." Sulu shook his head and returned to his task at the computer terminal. He frowned at the complicated form it displayed. "Now, what exactly do I need to put on this requisition to get another Arcturian Potted Palm? I miss Gertrude already."

Epstein obligingly abandoned her own project to go help Sulu. She casually leaned over his shoulder to get a better look at the screen. Sulu smiled up at her.

Neither noticed the tiny green bud that sprouted on the leafless, brown piece of vine.

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