GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST
This months topic:
Christmas shoppers
Well I would like to start off by saying Merry Christmas to everyone and I hope you have the best of holidays and a New Year.
Ok now to why we are all here: To bitch about the sweet mothers and loving fathers that make you want to just go up to them and back slap some sense into them when they turn into mutant, evil, Christmas-shoppers.
It all begins as soon as you leave your driveway. You have a smile on your face and a jingle in your step as you head off to the mall to do your major Christmas shopping. You have the list from the kids and the sale ads from your over-stuffed Sunday paper that you hauled in from a cracked driveway. You had to use a dolley you found in the garage, after you unburied it from all the empty Christmas-decoration boxes, just to get it into the house. You tune the radio to a station that is playing Jingle Bell Rock and you sing along as the spirit of Christmas makes you feel great and thankful for everything that you have. You head toward the main highway that will lead you to the place that will allow you to bring smiles to the kids faces and you may even stop afterwards and treat yourself to a nice meal after you are done shopping.
As soon as you get to "Main Street" you smile turns to a grimace and the music on the radio is starting to annoy you as you try to buck your way into the gridlock that normally isnt there unless it is 5:00 pm. You look at your clock as you turn that blasted feel-good music off and notice that you havent been sent through a preY2k timewarp; it is still only 11:00 in the morning.
You finally manage to get the nose of your car in front of some bitch that wants to run up your ass, like she was going to get any farther without you in the way. Eventually you start to move and as you look around at the other cars you notice the kids in the back of the car in front of you are wearing Santa hats and waving at you. You smile back and the spirit of Christmas trys to once again turn your mood from bad to good. You dont think about how those kids should be in seat belts, you are just enjoying the moment and wave back. Well of course Dad does notice that these little rug rats have squirmed their way out of their seat belts and you can read his lips as he yells at them to put their seat belts back on and turn the Hell around. They stick out their bottom lips and then both get biffed upside the head for not wearing seat belts. Although you think it wise that they are made to turn around and sit forward, it still makes your spirit of Christmas dwindle a little futher.
When you do get to the mall after a 45 minute drive, that would normally take 15, you see the absolute horror that is the mall parking-lot. Many things happen and time seems to slow as you search for a spot to park. You notice the little things about everyone around you. A couple standing at the back of their car talking about where to go for lunch as you wait for the valuable spot that they will hopefully soon be vacating. The car behind you honks their horn with impatience and the couple seems to not hear it nor see you waitng patiently. You give them one more minute and when the guy behind you lays on the horn constantly you decide that this couple is not going to leave anytime soon and you continue on. You notice, however that as soon as you proceed the couple gets in their car and the guy that cant keep his hands off his horn takes the spot. You try not to get angry because it would not accomplish anything and continue to search for a spot. Eventually you decide on just parking on the last row where ,even there, vacant parking is scarce. You manage to find a place, it is the absolute farthest parking space from the doors you want to enter. Well you shake off your bad mood and again decide that this isnt going to get you down. On your way to the mall you notice that there is a shuttle that is taking people to their cars with packages so they do not have to walk and that lightens your heart a little as you prepare to enter a place that is second only to Hell.
You fight the thoughts you have about turning around and going home; you made it this far and there was no way you were going to
go back without every damn thing on your lists.
From searching every single store for Pokemon cards that havent been tripled in price to clothes that arent 3 sizes too big or to small your search ends with success. Your arms are tired from carrying so many packages and your feet feel as if they are going to fall off. Then there it is in the distance standing out like a beacon calling to you from afar, a vacant, clean, beautiful, empty table in the food court. You divert your stare in case someone might see your glee and steal your slice of heaven that has been sent down from God just for you. Your heart skips a beat as three teenages carrying enough Sbarros pizza to feed twenty stumble past it, but luckily the rest of their party waves them over to another table. You are almost there and nothing is going to stop you now. You quicken your step and almost trip over someones purse that they so carelessly left in your way. You absently apologize and continue on your quest. Just as you arrive and prepare to place all your packages down a man places his food tray down and sits in your place. Something inside you breaks and the look you give the man makes him get up, turn tail and run with his tray of overpriced mall food the other way. You sigh audibly as you set down your packages and slide into the chair. Normally you would have just offered to share the table with the man, but this was yours dammit and you were going to have it all for yourself.
Although you do not acknowledge it at the time you will realize later that you have turned into one of them, one of the evil mutant Christmas shoppers. You see a Mother struggling with three young kids and as many packages as you have and wonder how she does it. You notice that she is looking for a table and also trying to balance two trays of food and her packages and keep her three kids in sight all at once. Even though you have only been sittin in your priceless spot for only a few minutes you decide that you would give this woman a hand. You dare not get up to go let her know there is a spot because surley it would get taken. Already a few have looked at you with grimices because you are sitting at a table and arent even eating anything. Well the magic of Christmas must have been working even in this place that could be mistaken as Hell. One of her children decides to dart away and is running directly towards you. You snatch him up in your ams and as he statrs to cry and hollar you reach in one of your bags and pull out a pack of Pokemon cards. Instantly his look of fear turns to excitement and as you set him down in the chair next to you his Mother is arriving out of breath and spitting out a thousand applogies, She tells her son to come on and to leave you alone. You look one more time at your table and then back at her and tell her that you were leaving anyway and she could have it. You tell the little boy to share the cards with his brother and sister and as you gather your packages up and head towards the parking-lot you notice that the spirit of Christmas has come back and it is even stronger than it was when you first set out on this adventure. From that point on everything seemed to go right, the shuttle was just arriving as you made it out the door and the driver deliverd you right to your car. On the drive home you didnt catch any red lights and the traffic was sparse, at least in the direction you were going, the traffic heading to the mall was even worse than before and you were thankful you had left earlier. You pull into your driveway and shut off the engine and the toll of shopping seems to have been washed away. You were glad to be able to help someone and even though you still had a long day ahead of you a smile crossed your lips as you gathered your gifts and headed for the the house.; all the way whistling the tune to Jingle Bells.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!!
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