I have been in the secret agent business for a long time. I have been wined and dined and I’ve stayed in the fanciest hotels the worlds over. From this extensive experience I’ve come to one conclusion. There simply must be some law that I’ve never heard of that states all hotel lobby carpets must be made in the most putrescent designs and colors. It’s as if the most careful attention must be paid to the details but only a blind man may pick the carpet. This I do not understand.
I stopped my pondering and glanced up just in time to see Mio and Meri gracefully descending the curved stairs. They both resembled walking masterpieces; perfect in every way. I, on the other hand, was quickly beginning to realize how substandard I looked in comparison. Not a happiness.
“Such lovely dresses! Or they would be… pity you couldn’t find enough material.” I remarked irritably.
“Your perfume!” Mio exclaimed, clapping her hands together. “I must admit I’ve always been partial to the odor of garbage.”
“I’m fond of the stains, myself. A lovely touch.” Meri added.
Camry stood next to me looking uncomfortable. He still didn’t understand the greeting style of our trio. He told me last week that we all seemed bitter and vengeful. I merely scoffed and stormed to the kitchen to bake… until I remembered that I don’t so much know how whereupon I returned to the living room and beat him at checkers. Life is full of compromises. “Hi.” he offered.
“Looks like you had fun tonight.” Mio said, casting a curious eye my way. “Doesn’t that bother you Camry? That your wife may have been ravaged by some other man?” Ohhh, she liked to instigate, she did. Sometimes she said watching couples go at each others throats was even more fun than shopping. Then again, this was before she broke her most expensive vase on her boyfriend’s head after I did a little instigating of my own. Life is full of turn around.
“Ice cream.” Meri replied and went off, I assume, in search of some.
“Why all the finery?” I asked. Even I had to admit that Mio looked good. Her pink hair was pulled back into a perfectly sleek french twist. Her gown was a deep sapphire that, naturally, complimented her eyes perfectly. The jewelry she’d chosen for the evening sparkled like scattered stars… which is just a romantic way of saying that they were really expensive and caught the light impressively. This all made me feel quite unhappily envious.
She smoothly adjusted her dress, drawing the eye of just about every male in the room. In the short time it took her to finish, most of them were no longer breathing. There was an audible intake of air around the room. She took no notice, though I found it humorous. “Some hotshot is visiting and the locals want to throw him a party so as to look good.”
“Don’t play with me, Mio.” I said, placing a hand on my shapely hip. After all, I may be dirty and smelly and not altogether attractive but I still have shapely hips. “I need names, ages and positions.” Mio was usually a stickler for details. Her strategies were always in the details. If she didn’t want to give me the specs, then something had to be up.
She smirked. “No, you don’t. You need a name, an age, and a position.”
“I’m… what? Only one?”
“You see the overgrown oaf that resembles a walking potato?” She nodded discreetly to her right. “The one that looks as though he’s smelled something foul all of his life and possibly had a trauma as a child that impaired his vision resulting in a wardrobe that would be better suited to a world without light.”
An accurate description, if somewhat insulting.
“Can I pretend that I don’t?”
“No.”
“Well, but, you see it’s really easy.” I closed my eyes. “Can’t see anything. Nope. Nada. Is there a man over there with a twenty four carat gold pocket watch, diamond ring, and silver embossed pen in his left pocket… with possibly four credit cards and eighteen hundred dollars of petty cash in his wallet? Wouldn’t know. Haven’t seen anything.”
“Mae. Don’t make me lose my temper.” Her voice was brisk and businesslike. I reluctantly opened my eyes. She looked all powerful with that slightly annoyed expression on her face and confident pose. Feminists would be proud. Too bad I’m not one of those.
“I can see where this is going.” I protested. “You want information from him for God know’s why and you’re going to make me join the wait crew and serve the tables just so I can slip something into his drink to loosen his tongue and I’ll have you know it isn’t fair.”
She smiled.
“It isn’t.” I insisted. “You could have had Meri do it.”
“He’d already met her and decided that she must be mentally handicapped. She was trying to describe what happens when a duck is sucked into a black hole and the irreversible effects it has on neighboring systems.”
“Missed her eight o’clock dose, did she?”
Mio gave me a withering look. “It’s a very important scientific experiment.” she said, turning to lead the way back up the stairs. “You would know that if you ever paid attention in any natural science classes. The discoveries made have had a profound impact on our daily lives. I’m sure even you can see that despite your ignorance.”
Blah, blah, blah. Personally, I’d volunteer to jump into a black hole if it meant skipping out this oh-so-intriguing lecture. However, I did very much want to get myself cleaned up and so I fell in step behind her with the proper amount of genuine displeasure.