Okay, I admit it. I was trying to decide if I still had the same footing now as I’d had before fate whisked me away. I know I’ll never have the upperhand, but a squeeb underling I am not. I could tell that Mio knew what I was trying to figure out. In knowing that, she could play the situation any way she wanted. That’s just one of the blasted benefits of being her. It is nice to know, however, that she usually has my best interests at heart. That’s a good thing. It’s just that sometimes our ideas about what my best interests are don’t coincide.
“There was one other, uh, honorific that you could add to my list.” she said casually.
The very unimportance of her tone led me to believe that this might just possibly be the most important thing she had to say… well, that and the pause at the end. Yes, yes, draw out the moment for as long as you can and hit me with your best shot. I tried not to look curious. I knew such a thing was hopeless, but hey, I’ve got to be given credit for trying.
“You are looking at the new Representative of Luck.” she announced triumphantly.
Simple statement… simple statement… processing. Ahhh! She sunk my battleship!! “What do you mean you’re the new Lady Luck?!” I roared. As long as I was sinking I might as well go all out. I jumped from my chair and gave the table a good pounding. “You couldn’t wait to apply for positions until I got back? That’s just low! We always said we’d do it together.”
She shrugged. I briefly wondered if a Mastess Mio action figure might possess some of the features of a voodoo doll… “We had no idea where you’d gone off to nor did we have any idea when you’d get back. The Representatives were attacked on their annual Cruise for the Couture-less benefit. Four of them died; it was all over the news. Something about revolutions and doing away with tradition to move on to bigger and better things. You know, the usual spiel that comes with those jobs. There were positions to fill. Carpe diem.”
“Crap on the carpe.” I muttered in reply. I sat back in my chair and crossed my arms defiantly. This was only slightly less serious than my sudden marriage. My friends were advancing in position and I was rolling down a hill to a painful and most undeserved fiery hell. A fiery hell where staplers chased me and I was forced to live like a recluse thereby preventing my fans from worshipping me in all my glory and splendor. Why don’t we just blow up all the Earths while we’re at it!
“Don’t be sullen.” she admonished. Obviously she knew I would so relish being treated like a four-year-old. “And I’m not the only one, so don’t take all your petty angst out on me.”
Petty angst? Four years to thirteen in five seconds. “Had I any angst, it wouldn’t be petty.” I retorted. Sometimes the obvious just needs to be pointed out. “Who else made the cut?”
“Do you remember that woman who backed her car into you the day your favorite ice cream was being discontinued?”
“Yes.” How could a person forget a cursed day like that?? Let alone the woman who cheated me out of ice cream that was like heaven…
“She’s Wisdom.”
I snorted. Very unladylike. Naughty me. “I see they don’t believe in typecasting.” Which is ludicrous for the whole thing is typecasting. I mean, these are the highest positions anyone can attain aside from royalty and they’re supposed to be physical representations of the virtues. If a Representative didn’t share any of the same characteristics of the virtue he or she represented, it wouldn’t make any sense.
She continued as though I hadn’t said anything. “I don’t know the guy who got Love. Wish I did, he’s a looker. Oh, and our own Psycho Meri is Fate.”
My head sunk into my arms without even a thought as to what I wanted it to do. It’s not like I had any desire to be strong and remain calm and collected while my entire life was withdrawing into a horrifying little lump of… nothingness. I suppose I could just blame Fate, but I don’t think Meri’d be appreciative. At any rate, I’m a suave, international, interdimensional spy. I can handle this. I can handle a run in my nylons when cameras are rolling; I can handle this.
Mio reached across the table and forced my head back up. She looked into my eyes all somber-like and I knew she wanted to make this dramatic. Drama was what she lived for. “I wouldn’t have been so blunt about this-”
“But it was too hard to resist?” I interrupted.
“But we have a serious problem on our hands.”
“Well, we better wash them real good then, huh?” I tried to look innocent. It apparently didn’t work. I didn’t have enough time to duck away from her hand before it collided with my cheek. Camry didn’t even leap to my defense. Sad excuse for a husband.
I rubbed at the poor, complaining flesh and looked up at her from the floor. “Geez, Mio, lighten up.”
“Mae, I’m trying to be serious here!”
“And I’m trying not to be!”
“That much is obvious!” She stared me down until I cooperated and climbed back into my chair. Boo freakin’ double hiss.
She took a deep breath and let it out slowly, making a show of how she was trying to control herself. Doubtless Camry bought it. I didn’t. “I’m sorry Mae. I’m just worried. That creepy alter ego cereal killer is still on the loose. We’re prime targets now. The three of us are a team. So even if you’re not a Representative, we still need your help. We can’t do it without you.”
It was hard to resist making a crack about Cheerios or Lucky charms (what with the cereal killer on the loose) but I admit that I enjoy a good buttering-up and so I wisely kept my mouth shut. Damn straight they wouldn’t be able to do it without me… whatever it was. “What are you planning to do?”
“Meri, you, and I are going to protect our alter egos. We’ll keep them safe from the lunatic until we can get rid of him. Imagine the publicity. We’ll win all the way around.”
There was a problem with this, I just had to find it. Was it… no. Oh! “But I was planning on killing my alter ego.”
“Why would you want to do a stupid thing like that? They’re helpless sadlings who can’t defend themselves. We’re they’re protectors. They’re like cute little puppies. Sure they do stupid things all the time but isn’t it fun to watch them mess up?”
Last I checked it about as much fun as walking to school barefoot in the snow for ten miles… uphill all the way… (Such stories exist, with little difference, on all worlds.) But even then there was the joy of snow angels. I got nothin’. Maybe Mio didn’t mind another one of her running around but the idea just rubbed me the wrong way. There is only room for one of me. Anywhere. Period. “I’ll help vanquish the bad guy for your alter ego’s sake, but on one condition. Mine has to be fair game. Granted, I won’t let him get her; I have to be the one. That’s the only way I’ll help.”
She smiled, obviously pleased. “Fair enough.”
