Dear Santa,

I've been a good boy this year. I always did what I was told and I didn't pick any fights with anybody. And what do I get for all my hard work and self-control? A stupid toy that looks like two fuckin cherries on a string. Were the 5 weapons of Dark Star too much to ask? How could you fuck me over like this, Santa? That little queer Xellos got a neat staff, and that snobby bitch Sherra got a cool sword. What the hell am I supposed to do with the piece of shit that I got stuck with? I'll tell you what. I'm going to use it to beat your fat ass black and blue if I ever get ahold of you. I dare you to show your face around here next year. I WILL FUCK YOU UP! I'll fireball your fuckin reindeer, too. And eat them. And if you think I wasn't exactly a model child when I was on my best behavior, then just you wait and see what a mean little fucker I can really be.

Sincerely,

Little Valgarv