Beginning on Dec. 20, 1998; I immortalized myself in AGJK history with this little piece inspired by the political troubles of William Jefferson Clinton. For those who do not frequent AGJK, this utilizes several in-jokes, including Moxie (a vile drink found in the Northeastern states of the US), wallet stealing (a fun past-time at AGJK), and probably a couple of other things I'm forgetting about. Still, you should be able to get the jist of it without too much trouble. I resisted the urge to re-write these, and have pretty much reprinted it as is. The only exception is to add Al Gore stealing my wallet in the first two chapters.
It was a lot of fun writing these, and I hope
you have as much fun reading them as I did writing them.
Episode One: A New Hope
Baytor sees an unsuspected President Clinton, and readies the Moxie Launcher. He aims carefully, lining up the President in his sights, and lets loose a volley.
Baytor smiles, contemplating the riches of the
wallet he will soon claim. But something is amiss. The President seems
to be covered in some sort of Teflon substance, and the vile Yankee substance
that is known as Moxie comes hurling
back at him.
Baytor's last thoughts are "Damn that President Reagan for leaving the Teflon where Clinton could find it."
Baytor's wallet lies shimmering in the sunlight,
before Al Gore walks by, bends down, picks it up, and stiffly walks off.
Episode Two: Viagra Falls
Baytor respawns, and collects his thoughts. It was stupid to attack Clinton; anyone who attacks Clinton is immediately destroyed, while Clinton grows stronger. Baytor picks up the Washington Post and notes that Clinton's approval rating has risen to 105%, which proves his theory is correct.
Baytor's self esteem is pretty low, so he decides to pick an easy target for a quick kill. He notices a old man with a gimp arm in the distance, and thinks "This is all too easy." Baytor readies the Moxie Launcher, sets it to Diet, and lets loose several volleys.
Remarkably, the old man is still standing. The old man reaches into his jacket, pulls out a bottle of medicine, and pops a pill. Baytor, curious at this strange turn of events, decides to move in for a closer look. As he edges closer, he suddenly realizes his mistake. The old man is none other than former Senator Bob Dole, and he's looking at Baytor in "that" way.
Baytor attempts to flee, but trips over Marion Berry's crack pipe. He hears Dole say, "Shouldn't have tried it son, WWII could get me, and no punk like you is going to waste me." Baytor screams in horror as he notices the bulge in Dole's pants, and realizes just what those pills were.
<Ed. Note: The subsequent buggering of Baytor is far too graphic to detail on a family newsgroup such as this one. Suffice it to say that Baytor will be hurting in a particular location when he respawns in the next episode. Unfortunately for Baytor, the entire incident was captured on tape by Larry Flint, which you can order from www.hustler.com>
Bob Dole whistles as walks away from the defiled corpse of Baytor. Baytor's wallet glistens in the sunlight, stained with Viagra juice.
Al Gore shows up moments later, pulls a hankerchief
out of his pocket, and carefully picks it up. "A little sticky, but, otherwise,
a nice addition to my campaign fund," he says as he wipes the wallet clean,
and puts it in his pocket.
Episode Three: Gingrich Must Diet!
Baytor respawns and sit down to contemplate his recent failures. As soon as he sits down, he realizes his mistake, jumps back up, and waits for the throbbing to subside in his ringpiece.
Baytor realizes why he failed. No matter how vile and nasty Moxie may be, it pales in comparison to this city. Baytor decides to abadon the useless Moxie launcher, and decides on his trusty Napalm Launcher. But who to attack next?
Baytor decides upon Newt Gingrich, someone who lies near death after his recent assault on President Clinton, and chuckles at the ease of such a kill. Baytor camps out across from the Capitol Building waiting for Mr. Gingrich to show his tubby little ass.
At last, hours of waiting are rewarded when the wide target of Gingrich presents itself to Baytor. "Die, Fat-Ass, Die!" and Baytor starts to squeeze on the trigger. But before Baytor can fire off the shot, he hears a sound above him, and tries to look up. Unfortunately, Baytor is a Blood player, and cannot get past a 45 degree angle. Therefore he never sees a pleasantly plump female figure hurling toward him, nor does he see the smiling face of Kenneth Starr above it. "Glad my Monica bombshell finally took somebody out."
Al Gore walks by the flattened, yet oddly smiling corpse
of Baytor, and grabs the wallet, and illegally deposits it into his Year
2K Presidential fund.
Episode Four: To Kill a Wallet
Thief
Baytor respawns, and blows into his finger to re-inflate himself. Of all the indignities that Baytor has faced, he cannot understand why the theft of his wallet disturbs him so. No distance weapon for this job, it's time to break out the melee weapons.
Baytor grabs his pitchfork, looks at it, then puts it back down shaking his head. He picks up the chain saw from Doom, swings it to and fro, and replaces it; it's not what he's looking for. Then he sees it, the perfect weapon for his revenge: his light sabre.
Baytor catches up with Al Gore at the Vice Presidential mansion, and charges in swinging his sabre wildly. And, much like what happens when he plays JK, he fails to connect. Baytor calms down, and backs up to properly use the sabre, but before he can swing again, Al Gore begins to speak.
The slow monotone of Al Gore's voice is too much for Baytor. He wants to run away, but he finds himself unable to flee. Several hours later, Baytor's lifeless body falls to the ground, having been bored to death.
"Amateur," says Al Gore, and collects Baytor's wallet, and deposits
it into his Presidential fund.
Episode 5: In which Baytor
Gets His Man
Many months have pasts since Baytor's defeat at the hands of Al Gore. Many indignities and deaths has Baytor tasted in those intervening months. An unkempt and disshelved Baytor sits in his barren room, contemplating his numerous failures. He had almost given up hope, but then a ray of sunshine came into a bleak existence: Dan Quayle is coming to town to raise money for his Year 2K Presidential race.
Baytor, although as low as a man can sink, cannot comprehend failing in taking out someone like Quayle. Baytor is no longer interested in getting a frag with any style or grace, all he cares about is pure, brute power; so he's pulled his Doom 2 Shotgun out of retirement. He puts the Shotgun under his coat, and heads out to the fund raiser.
Baytor sits in the back and watches the faces of those around him. All he sees is embarrassment. All of those who have gathered at this fund raiser desperately wish for Quayle to quietly go away, but their loyalty prevents them from rebuking Quayle. Baytor knows that he cannot fail. No one will attempt to stop him.
Baytor gets up, and attempts to casually walk up to the podium where Quayle is about to give his speech. Any attempt at appearing casual is quickly futile, as any attempt to conceal a shotgun under a coat makes one appear as though he is concealing a shotgun under his coat. But Baytor doesn't stop, and no one attempts to stop him. In fact, Baytor sees a look of hope appear on the faces of those who have gathered here today.
Quayle steps up to the podium, and Baytor pulls out the Shotgun and puts it into Quayle's face. Amazingly, Quayle doesn't notice. Baytor smiles, and pulls the trigger. Quayle's head explodes into a bloody mess, and Baytor revels in his victory.
But something is wrong. Baytor feels something pulling at him. He looks
and sees a Quantum Singularity which inhabited the inside of Quayle's skull.
Baytor is sucked into it before it collapses in on itself. But Baytor dies
content, knowing that he finally got his man.
Epilogue: Loose Ends
Al Gore ran for President in the year 2000, but was soundly defeated after the Monica Lewinski scandal destroyed his political career. After the election, he was convicted and is currently serving 7 consecutive life sentences for impersonating President Clinton, having a sexual relationship with a White House intern, and lying to a federal Grand Jury about the relationship.
The headless body of Dan Quayle went on give the most brilliant (albeit a wordless one) speech of his career. Following it, the Republicans rose to their feet and gave him a 30 minute standing ovation. Quayle went on to sweep all 50 states and the District of Colombia in a stunning defeat of a scandal plagued Al Gore. His presidential term was so successful that his unique visage was added to Mount Rushmore. And although no one seems to be able to notice any difference to the monument, the alterations cost the federal government $50 billion.
Baytor currently resides in the Louisiana Home for Insane Gamers. He is convinced that the Illuminati (the secret society which is rumored to have replaced George Washington with a look-a-like in order to control the US) has replaced Quayle with a headless look-a-like, and that he did in fact kill Quayle.
Bob Dole, after having his sexual preference for short, chubby men revealed in the Viagra Sex tapes, eventually married Newt Gingrich. The two own and operate a Connecticut bed and breakfast.
Ken Starr and Monica Lewinski were married in a private ceremony, and can be currently seen performing live sex shows on the internet.
William Jefferson Clinton still vehemently denies that he was ever President of the United States.