Title: Sacrifice
Author: Jena (VampGrl22@aol.com)
Rating: PG
Cordelia/Doyle, sort of, angst
Major spoliers for Heroes
Notes: Joss is evil, evil, evil and does not deserve these wonderful
characters, nevertheless, they are his and not mine.        




24 June, 2000                                         

Hi-

I have been needing to get this out, to tell someone the whole tale, and
lucky you, you got the short straw. I've been in so much pain for so long,
and when I finally sat down to think about who to share it with, I realized
that you, with all of the suffering and lost love you've experienced, that
you might be just the person to hear me. So, here goes. 

It took a long time, after it happened, before Angel and I were able to
really talk about it.  Sure, we've spend more nights than I care to remember
in companionable silence replaying that video tape, the one we made the
night...well, you know, which night.  I'm surprised the damn tape isn't
completely worn out yet.  I would never admit it to Angel, but in fear of
that very thing, I've had several copies made of it, hidden at my apartment. 
Dennis, my ghost, is the only one who knows about it.  He's really been great
through this whole thing.

That first night, well, morning really, 'cause that's what it was by the time
I stumbled home from the office, he unlocked the door for me and got me into
bed when I was so bone weary I could hardly see. Forgive me, I realize I'm
rambling a little bit.  I've been like that since, well, you know, since it
happened.

Anyway. When we were finally able to talk about it, talk about HIM, Angel
told me how he had agonized for so long over telling me about his true
identity, about his demon.  When Angel first mentioned it, I wanted to die. 
I think Angel realized too late how much that hurt me.  And here I though I
was the one with no regard for other people's feelings.

To think that I had caused him such pain, in those final days of his life,
when by that point I had already fallen for him.  But I'm so goddamn
stubborn, always have been. I'd played the cast-iron bitch with him for so
long I didn't know how to stop, how to let him into my life.

But it was too late. I'd missed my chance with him, but I have another chance
now.

It's funny, I was so wrapped up in that amazing kiss, I didn't even notice
the flash of blue light that marked the beginning of my pregnancy.  Besides,
who would have ever thought you could get pregnant from a kiss?  Geeze, I
guess my sixth grade health teacher was right when she told us kissing would
lead to other things.  Though I suspect she wasn't referring to motherhood. 

When I first started showing, I just put it down to all of the cookie dough
fudge mint chip ice cream I'd been bingeing on since, you know, and the
missed periods I thought were due to the same, stress and all.  I never even
considered the possibility that it could be something else.  It was Angel who
figured things out, really. Though we are close enough that he knew better
than to mention it, he saw the weight  I was putting on, and, frankly,
working together, he was a witness to enough early morning vomiting sessions
to put two and two together, and for once not come up with five. Plus, all
the reading he had done on that kind of demon helped.

Angel and I  talk about...HIS demon-ness sometimes, about the sins of his
past that he was atoning for, and it always makes me so sad.  I mean, IRS
seizures not withstanding, I've never suffered a day in my life, never wanted
for anything, never dreamed of sacrificing something for another being. But
HE, he had suffered.  And he died a hero's death.  The bards from the clan of
demons we were helping that night have written songs about us, about the
child I'm carrying, you know, Son of the Savior and all that. If I didn't
have a princess complex before, believe me...  Huh, that's what he always
called me.  His princess.   

Its funny. The person I was a year ago would have been disgusted by the whole
situation, put out at the sacrifice of my figure, my free time, my whole life
really, but now, its no sacrifice.  No sacrifice at all.

But based on the research he's done, Angel is pretty sure that my child won't
be any more than a quarter demon, and probably will easily pass for human,
even more easily than his father did.  His ex-wife, Harry, (I've told you
about her, right?) has been a lot of help.  She's an ethnic demon doctor, or
something like that, and she lives here in L.A. now.  She was going to marry
another demon back in the fall, and since they were planning to have
children, she knows all about this stuff.  I'll probably end up being written
about in some weird demon book that will end up on Giles' shelf some day.  Oh
well, not quite the kind of fame I was hoping for, but I'm becoming much more
tolerant of things not turning out the way I had planned. 

Harry's been a real source of solace to me, since I can't exactly talk to
Aura about having a demon's child. 

I didn't mean that the way it sounds.  I loved, no, love him with all of my
heart. And I feel like this child is a blessing in my life, a way of keeping
him with me always.

The miracle that is my son is scheduled to be born into this world the last
week of August, two months from now. Angel is all excited about it, you
should see him, it's really disgusting.  On second thought, you really
shouldn't see him, that's all I need right now.

I don't know why I'm telling you all this, Buffy, it's not as if we were ever
that close, really.  I just...well, needed someone to talk to, someone who
knew me before, in my other life before I became a match for Angel in the
brooding department.  I worry sometimes, that all of these tears will make
our child bitter, and sad, but I just can't seem to stop.  Angel assures me
though, that an Irish child will never drown in a sea of tears.   

Speaking of, things at work have been insane, but with Kate's help, the good
guys are still winning, and we're actually in the black, finally (or is the
red?  I've never been able to get that straight).  So we're planning a trip
to Ireland, early next fall after Allen is born.  Angel has it in his head
that my child should start his life with all the blessings Eire (can you tell
I've been hanging around with Angel too much or what?) can provide him.  I've
been studying up on the subject, and I think, with the legendary love of
family the Irish are known for, his father would approve.

I've decided to name him Allen. I think that the other would just be too
painful.  But I can't wait to see him, to meet him.  To see if he has his
father's twinkling eyes, his quick smile. 

Well, I didn't mean to go on so long, put it down to the insanity that is
pregnancy.  Take care of yourself, fight the good fight (if that doesn't
sound like me, well, too bad, I've gotten soft, in more ways that one).

Cordelia