THE TALENTED MR RILEY
BY: WIRRRN
PART: 1 of 1
DISTRIBUTION: Ask and Ye Shall Be Thoroughly Mocked
Unless You're A Buffy Slash Site...<G>
ARCHIVE: All Signs Point To Yes.
RATING: R. Humour, Homosexuality, Buffy-Bashing,
More semen flying around than at an industrial
accident at the Playboy Mansion.    
PAIRING:Riley/Parker, Angel/Doyle, Xander/other(s)
SPOILERS: Snippets of BTVS "Goodbye Iowa" perverted
to my twisted little desires. Certain events in
ANGEL: "Hero" (Grr..arrgh is right) blithely
ignored.
DISCLAIMER: Everybody here belongs to Joss
Whedon.I'll give 'em back when they've recuperated
(well, he can have Buffy back,anyway) but right now
they're all very tired. And severely chafed.
NOTES: This came about due to Buffy's Xander
disparaging in Fear Itself: "Where's Xander?
slacking off I s'pose- typical"... As if any self
respecting Australian queerboy with a Nicky Brendon
fetish of frankly frightening proportions and a
questionable grasp of right and wrong would let her
get away with THAT.
FEEDBACK: Daddy needs a new pair of everything.
WIRRRN@YAHOO.COM... Please don't bother pointing out
the Author's vile blackhole of endless moral
depravity. He already knows.
 


+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


                THE TALENTED MR RILEY
   
                          by
                        WIRRRN



           "Can I have sex with Riley too?"
               Xander: GOODBYE, IOWA
 
 
      JESSE: "Something evil's after my body, Grady.
                 Something...wants me..."
  GRADY: "...Yeah, and it's female and waiting to
           party downstairs -and you wanna sleep
                  (in the room) with me?!"
               A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2
 
 
 


"Oh-oh-oh-Ooow! Oh yeah, that's the spot-aargh!! Ow!
Splinters! Ow! Okay, C'mon, bring it home to
MommaAARGH! Alright, this is Sooooo not working..."
 
Buffy Summers leapt from her bed, rubbing her belly
gingerly, and winced slightly. That was the last
time she listened to Faith... Doing it "Slayer Style"
indeed.
 
Buffy wiped the KY off of Mr Pointy and replaced him
on the nightstand beside her dresser. From now on,
the only orifices he'd be plunging into were the
traditional vampire ones- and she didn't mean like
that time she'd caught a royally drunk, stark-bollock
naked Spike using the stake Kendra had
bequeathed her, Mr Gordo, and a jumbo tub of banana
yoghurt in an erotic combination that to this day
gave her worse nightmares than anything The
Primitive could come up with.
 
Buffy sighed dramatically.  She never would've had
to come up with a leisure activity Giles would
probably view as a cry for help,
 
[NOTE: Giles actually tends to view MOST leisure
activities as a cry for help, unless they involve
books so dusty they give silverfish asthma; giving
manuscripts in The Stacks "a jolly good sorting"; or
the trunks of police cars]
 
if Riley had been at her beck and call 24-7 like
Angel had been. That was one thing she missed about
her vampiric ex-boyfriend. Well, that and he had a
range of hair care products in his bathroom
cabinet that would give Vidal Sassoon's wet dreams.
Dumping Angel and switching to Maybelline...her two
most regretted life choices.
  
[NOTE: Though she also regretted leaving Pike behind
in Los Angeles BEFORE he did that movie with Bruce
Willis]

A scowl crossed her face as she thought of Riley's
flimsy excuse to avoid spending the evening with
her. He'd fobbed her off to go HIKING, of all
things.
 
Or at least that's what she'd THOUGHT he'd said. She
rarely paid attention to what the commando's mouth
was doing when he was fully clothed, and had
therefore just caught the tail end of his
conversation, when he'd said something about "being
camp" and "leaving her and going to Mount Parker".
 
Which was funny really, because he hadn't taken a tent
or sleeping bag, and she couldn't recall any
elevations classified above hill status in the
greater Sunnydale area, but hey- he was the
topogograph... toppygrap...map-reading guy. She'd
just wished him a good time and told him "don't
forget the melted marshmallows", at which he'd made
an odd face and left in a hurry, muttering something
under his breath about "telling Graham to keep his
fool mouth shut"

[Unbeknowst to both Riley AND Buffy at the
time, Graham  was already keeping his mouth shut, or
at any rate full, with help from various parts of
Spike's anatomy]

-Which left her with absolutely nothing to do.
Willow was nowhere to be seen; she hadn't even left so
much as a note telling where she was,
 
[Willow HAD actually left a message for Buffy
on her desk, explaining that she was going to be
gone most of the afternoon to be the Celebrant in
Angel and Doyle's Commitment Ceremony. The note had
slipped  down the crack between the back of the desk
and the wall, alongside a spell that would close the
Hellmouth forever, a ready-to-hatch-any-day-now
cluster of Bazoar and Virgin-Stealer eggs, Amy's
emergency-rat antidote, a map to the location of the
infamous Cock-ring of Amara, which when worn by a
vampire would guarantee that he could stay up all
night, if you get my drift (Doyle had made damn sure
Angel hadn't taken a brick to THAT one), and a note
from Miss Calendar telling Principal Snyder to "Get
that f*%#@$g crack between the desk and the wall
fixed"]

-so they couldn't even indulge in their usual
favourite past-times of helping each other study;
finding a fabric softener that was tough on demon
blood, chocolate stains, or any combination thereof;
and, as part of their on-going revenge campaign
against Xander for that whole "Willow kissyface"
thing, taking in Xander's laundry, sowing
demoness-attracting pheromones into his pants and
picking his shirt seams apart so that all his
clothes became baggy and sexless and his countless
hours at the gym were therefore a moot point.
 
[Fortunately for Xander, the demoness
attracting pheromones sown into his pants pockets
had been rendered effectively useless when he began
dating Cordelia and they reached critical mass and
shorted out. He has yet to notice the trick with the
seams- he's convinced that the baggy look all his
clothes seem to give him is something to do with the
fact that the clothes store he shops at was
recommended to him by Doyle. Xander continues going
to the gym because Graham Miller is in his Aerobics
class, and Xander gets a great view of the
commando's lycra-ed buttocks whenever they do
squat-jazzercise].
 
Buffy was at a loss as to what to do with her
evening. Giles would undoubtedly suggest she went
patrolling, but then, Giles wasn't here- he was at
the Annual Meeting of Watchers presenting some stuffy
scientific paper he'd been working on all Summer.
 
["FUNCTIONAL SEXUAL MORPHOLOGY DURING SAME GENDER
GAMETE INTERACTIONS OF SOULED MEMBERS OF THE NORTH
AMERICAN VAMPIRIC HOMINID, HOMO SAPIENS>
SANGUINVORA" or "GUYS I'VE SEEN ANGEL F**K"]
 
Suddenly brightening, The Slayer decided to go on
patrol anyway. And if her patrol route deviated
slightly from the norm, and led her past Xander's
house, where she could coincidentally drop in to
remind him how devastated he should be... er, must
be... over his recent breakup with Anya, well- she
could just blame it on Riley's camping trip and say
he took all the maps.

The vacant yet sickeningly cheery smile on her face
now threatened to meet corners at the back of her
head, giving Buffy Summers a passable resemblance to
the Hellmouth, only with less mucus.

[And the Hellmouth wasn't failing its course in Modern
American Political Theory]

Buffy, her good spirits returned, took the stairs two
at a time down to the courtyard, stopping only briefly
at the door to Parker Abrahms room, when she though
she heard the boy moaning in pain. Turned out he was
moaning for some other reason, along with a few words
now and then.

"Oh, Yessss, Farmboy! Yeah! Give me more of that sweet
Riley sausage..."

Buffy smiled. Apparently, Riley's legendary culinary
talents had gotten around campus. Her boyfriend really
was incredible in the kitchen, particularly, as Parker
had clearly found out, when it came to meat products-
though she'd always found his sausages to be more
hickory flavoured than sweet.

Shrugging, she went on her way to Xander's house,.
Clearly Parker was joining Riley on his little
mountaineering trip.

//Is there any guy at this University that isn't
camping today?//

* * * * * * *

Try as he might to ignore the loud knocking on the
door to his basement room, Xander couldn't block it
out. The banging was now approaching levels that
suggested his visitor was either an extremely
persistent Jehovah's Witness, an extremely polite
Xandercidal demon, or-

"-Xander? Open up. I know you're in there, I heard the
chocolate wrappers crinkling."

"-Buff? You didn't kick down my front door again did
you?"

"I TOLD you that was an accident. I was out patrolling
for a crazed Tree Gargoyle, you'd just spend your hard
earned cash on a comical novelty gargoyle doorknob. It
was a legitimate mistake. And no, I didn't kick it
down. Anya let me in."

If a devastatingly cute teenager fervently wishes that
a tree in the forest would fall on an Ex-Vengeance
demon, does anyone hear the profanities he utters?

"XANDER! It's cold out here!" Buffy's tone was rapidly
approaching the level of bitchiness she seemed to have
perfected sometime between Season Three and Cruel
Intentions.

"Okay, okay." Xander got up and rushed to his door's
defense, opening it just as it began making wooden,
creaking sounds of complaint similar to those Giles
made after consecutive use of the words "British",
"Monarchy" and "Pasty-white inbred parasites".

Buffy strode into the room. "About time. I was
beginning to thinkEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeek!"

"-You were beginning to think about taking up
yodelling?"

"Xander?! What the hell are Angel and Doyle doing
lying curled up together on your bed wearing nothing
but matching Claddagh rings on their...their..."

"Pointy Horn?" Doyle suggested.

"Love Stake?" Angel offered.

Buffy turned to the teen. "I'm waiting for an
explanation, Xander, and this better be a good one.
Don't even think of blaming this on that "evil
identical twin" of yours".

"I'm telling you, he looks exactly like me!"

"-XANDER!!!"

"Oh, alright." Xander sighed. "I had to let them stay
here, Buff. I mean, I was their Best Man- I was
obligated to help. And every single Honeymoon Suite in
the hotels Cordelia recommended ended up having a
poltergeist in it."

Angel smirked. "I don't know how she does it. The
woman's just a demon magnet."

Xander paled. "Please don't say that."

Buffy, meanwhile had turned a colour that was not
espescially indicative of good health.

[unless you're a dugong]

"d...Doyle and Angel are married?"

Doyle managed to break off making goo-goo eyes at his
new spouse long enough to answer her.

"Yup. Well, tha Big Lug mother hens me so much anyway,
dat oi tought we might as well have an official
reason."

Xander smiled at the couple. "You should've seen the
ceremony, Buff-it was really sweet and romantic."

Angel butted in "I didn't even know Cordelia could
sing- let alone "Wind Beneath my Wings".

"Even Spike loved it." Xander continued "He actually
cried."

There was an outraged yelp from the pile of bedclothes
to Doyle's right. From them rose a platinum head,
followed by six feet of indignant, naked, Cockney
immortal.

"I was NOT crying, Xan-man. That gormless excuse for a
Rogue Demon Hunter threw his 'andful of rice right in
me eye.'

"Mmmhmm. Sure, Spike."

Angel leaned in conspiratorially to Doyle. "He always
did blubber at weddings. You should've seen him when
Owen and Percy got hitched."

"Oh, c'mon Ainge". Owen Thurman scratched at the hairs
on his naked chest as he popped up from the sheets
next to Spike. "You know Perce broke my heart.
Besides, I'm happy with Larry now." He indicated the
sleepy, naked jock cradled between his thighs.

Buffy gaped. "Larry? But...you're dead!"

Larry rolled his eyes."Oh, puhleeze. If I had a buck
for every guy with an enormous snake who swept me off
my feet, I could buy Fort Knox."

"I dunno..." came a voice from the bedclothes beside
Owen. "You haven't seen Benny's snake yet..."

"Benny? PIKE?!"

"Hey Buffy. Wow- loving the hair. You look really
different."

Interested, Angel turned to Pike, nudging him with- oh
let's say it was his foot. "She does?"

"Yeah. Her old cut made her look like Kristy Swanson."

Despite feeling like she'd blundered into an Armistead
Maupin novel

[With even more cock, but less flares and reefer]

Buffy managed to address her ex-boyfriend and
her...ex-boyfriend.

"You guys know each other?"

Pike nodded. "Sure. I mean, LA's a big town, but
everyone knows everyone in the gay community. Ben and
I met Angel and Doyle through a mutual friend- Scott
Hope."

"SCOTT HOPE is gay?"

Benny laughed. "Scotty? Not a chance."

Buffy gave a relieved sigh.

"...He had an operation, and now he's an exotic lap
dancer named Loretta in Cleveland."

Buffy was trying very hard to maintain a deathgrip on
sanity, but it was proving an arduous task. Her head
banged so much she felt as though a new Hellmouth was
opening in her frontal lobes.

[Buffy is, of course, exaggerating. She does NOT have
a Hellmouth growing in her brain...just a couple of
hundred eggs from those spider things the Mayor kept
in that Box].

"Xander" she managed. "Is it just me, or are you
schtuping every guy I've so much as looked at in the
past decade?!"

Xander was shocked. "Of course not, Buff. We're all
just friends. Well, there was that time last Xmas with
me and Doyle and Angel in the hot-tub, but that only
happened once. Or twice. Eight times, max."

Buffy groaned. "So you're not doing any of them?"

"I wouldn't dream of it, Buff."

Xander grinned. "Besides, there's only one guy for
me."

As if on cue, Graham Miller walked into the room,
wearing a bra and a lovely floral print peasant blouse
by Donatella Versace. In his hand he held an
animatronic mask with Anya's facial features on it.

"Xander, sweetie?" the commando said. "I think I've
blown the servo-motor in the Anya disguise again. The
only face she'll make now is 'Baffled Outrage'".

Graham looked up and smiled at Buffy. "Yeah, that's
the expression I'm talking about. Thanks, Slayer."

Buffy suddenly understood why Giles rubbed the veins
over his temples so often. It helped discourage them
from ripping free of the skull, leaping onto the
nearest available work surface and screaming like
Henry Rollins in a bath of boiling sulfuric acid full
of Candiru catfish.

"Alright. That. Is. It. You lot can perform you salute
to Melrose Place all you want." Buffy drew herself up
to her full five feet and peered down...er, up- at
them along her nose. "I however, am going back to my
dorm to spend quality time with my Fiance, Riley."

As she neared the door, there was a final rustle of
bedclothes from down by Spike's crotch.

"ADAM?!!!!!"

The naked half-man, half-demon cyborg unplugged the
battery to the ten-speed vibrator installed in his
crotch unit, and reattached it to his chest console.

"Ah, Riley Finn." He mused for a moment, then produced
a DVD disc which he swallowed, before tweaking one of
his nipples for focus and drawing their attention to
the picture forming on the monitor in his right
buttock. "He always did like playing the Mommy."

Buffys eyes bugged out like chameleon in a
string-strap baby-t. "Riley? He said he was going
camping! That's no weiner he's chewing on!"

"It certainly isn't" Angel agreed.

Xander looked over at his friend. "Buff? You okay?
You're looking a little ticked o-"

-Expert Opinion was later divided quite heatedly over
exactly what fate befell the self-absorbed Miss
Summers.

Sunnydale's Coroner, inbetween filing yet another
complaint to the Governor that he was VASTLY
overworked and wanted a vacation somewhere calm and
gentle for a change, like Camp Crystal Lake or
ToonTown, was of the opinion that the whiny blond girl
was a victim of a particularly virulent form of
Spontaneous Human Combustion.

Doctor Lars Von Trapp, of the Swedish Centre for the
Study of Comical Fatalities based in Oslo, where the
most easily identifiable parts of the Slayer had
-eventually- landed, disagreed. He stated for the
record that in most reported cases of SHC, it was
highly irregular for the victim's head to repeatedly
spin around with steam pouring from the ears whilst
screaming about hot dogs not being "throbbing purple
and thickly veined" until they literally exploded.

Perhaps the definitive answer comes from one Xander
Harris, who went on file saying that he had absolutely
NO idea what happened to Buffy Summers, but "She sure
as hell was a bitch to wash out of the drapes."

And so, all the boys forgot completely about Buffy in
an indecently small time period, spent the rest of the
day having gratuitous gay sex, and then, after
deciding to live together from that moment on, went
out to celebrate by pushing Detective Kate Lockley off
a very tall cliff onto some very sharp rocks. And so
everyone lived happily ever after.

[Well okay, not Buffy or Kate. But who gives a flying
fuck about them anyway?]


**********************END*****************************