Back To the Ladies's Room
In the Factory:
Spike yawned as he watched Angelus pace around the factory. He was obviously in a snit.”What’s wrong with you, Angel boy? Got a bugger up your arse?”
Angelus swirled around and snarled at the younger vampire.”Screw off,chair boy! I still haven’t forgotten your participation of what happened last week!”
“Hey! It’s not my fault that you used the drug wrong! Or that the Slayer fended you off with hard scones!”Spike protested as he tried to look indignant.
“Yeah, right! Just like it’s not your fault that Buffy wants to have sex with you! Or that she and her drunken gal pals wrapped us up like Thanksgiving turkeys just to look at your thing! Or that I was caught in Strutting Tom with her dweebs!”Angelus snarled.”Just like it isn’t your fault that *I* was beaned in the head with a scone!”
“Well, you do have a hard head,”Spike said innocently then quieted down slightly when Angelus glared at him.
“And I suppose that it wasn’t *your* fault in *any* of these circumstances that you come up smelling like fresh blood while I look like a blood clot!”snarled Angelus.”Well, let me tell you, Spike old boy, it’s all going to change. And it’s all going to change now!”
“What are you going to do?”Spike asked curiously.”Not that I care *anything* about the Slayer and her wimps, mind you. I just want to know.”
“You’ll find out when it’s done!”Angelus snarled back as he left the factory floor.
Spike snorted.”Must not have a plan yet. Wanker!”
*****
In the Library:
Buffy stretched her arms as she walked around the library table.”Oh, my arms hurt! I need to rest. In fact, I might need to dance, Giles...earth to Giles!”
Giles reluctantly looked at her.“Yes, Buffy?”
“Can we go now? We want to hit the Bronze since it’s a Friday night,”Buffy said as she looked at the table around her. Giles looked around and saw the expectant faces and sighed.
“Might as well. All of you have not been able to stay still since you got here,”he said reluctantly.”Go ahead! Indulge your hormones! Go!”
As the group of youngsters let out whoops of joy, Giles buried his hands into his hair and sighed as he wished for a cup of tea.
*****
Spike sighed as he stretched his legs in his closed room. He was walking a bit, but there still wasn’t enough strength in his legs to take on Angel. He winced as a spasm of pain shot through him. < I’ll be better soon... > Spike thought as he reseated himself into his wheelchair. < And *then* we’ll see who’s the king of *this* roost! >
As he seated himself more comfortably, he heard a blood-freezing scream echoing through the factory. As he raced to the source, he found Drucilla writhing on the floor.
“Pet! What’s wrong?”Spike asked gently as he leaned over her prostate body. Drucilla rolled over and moaned some more.
“Oh, Spike...it’s all black! Black! I saw Angel in a blaze of white! Water everywhere! Like a sprouting sea! Then it all went black!”Drucilla moaned as she grabbed her hair by the roots. “It’s all black, Spike! I can’t see him anymore! We have to save him, Spike! We have to save our happy family!”
Spike sighed as he thought about what Drucilla said.“Fine, darling. You go into the cemetery with the boys while I send others to cruise around the town looking for him. I’ll head the search, Dru. Don’t you worry your pretty empty head about this, Dru. We’ll find Angel before this all happens. Marius, take her!”
Drucilla nodded as she went off with the other vampires. Spike looked around and sighed as he doled out commands. When everyone was gone, Spike sat as he thought. If he played his cards right, Angel would die tonight at the Slayer’s hands. But then again, maybe he wouldn’t. Spike sighed as he rolled out the factory doors and headed towards the Bronze. The place where Angel and the Slayer would surely be on this night.
*****
From the table, Buffy laughed as she watched Xander wildly gyrate his limbs around the dance floor with Cordelia holding him at arm’s length. Oz smiled as he held Willow closer to him.
Angel watched from the catwalk above at the action or rather, the lack of action, going on. He smiled as he noted that his former lover was sitting by herself at the table. Then as the song ended, he watched as them as they gathered around the table. He saw her disappear for a few minutes to get a drink, then reappear a few minutes later. Then he smiled even wider when he saw the girls leave the boys alone at the table. After a moment’s hesitation, he went down the stairs.
*****
Spike rolled into the Bronze through the stage entrance and immediately saw the Slayer and her annoying friends. As he peered through the smoke, he saw Angel up in the catwalk. He maneuvered a bit, allowing the Slayer to catch sight of him, then smiled as he felt her follow him.
“Well, hello, Spike,”Buffy drawled as she appeared in front of him.”Whatcha doing in the Bronze? Not dancing, I hope.”
“Why no. Actually, I was looking for you,”Spike grinned. Then his grin grew when she blinked at him in surprise.”Got a bit of news for you, love.”
“And what might that be? You walking and wanting to take me on?”
“Not just yet, sweet. Though I feel like I’m getting better,”Spike said candidly. He smiled when her large brown eyes narrowed at him.”So don’t get killed until I get better. I want to kill you myself.”
“I’m really touched that you care about my life so much, Spike,”Buffy drawled. She blinked when Spike chuckled.
“I’m sure you are,love. Anyway, I just came to warn you, Angel’s up in the catwalk wanting a bit of revenge upon you and your girl pals,”Spike said jovially.”He doesn’t know what he’s gonna do, but he’s gonna do something.”
Buffy stared at him.”And you’re telling me this because?”
“Because I promised Dru that I would bring him home safe and sound,”Spike shrugged uncomfortably.”Dru wants ‘Daddy’ all nice and safe. So you can’t kill him, if you do think of what Dru’ll do. She’s nuts now, but she’d positively go ballistic. Think of her nutty plan to revive Big Blue. She could think up of something worse, believe me, pet, I should know.”
Buffy rolled her eyes.”All right then. So Angel doesn’t die tonight. Fine. So how do you suggest that we get him out of here with minimum carnage? And just *why* is he wanting revenge on me and the others?”
“I believe it has to do with my thing, you and them being drunk, a Slayer suffering from a hangover, a male strip club and a bunch of scones, pet,”Spike coughed. Buffy blushed as he grinned at her.”Recollect all that?”
Buffy made a face.”Unfortunately. So I’ll think of something to get him out of here and leave my friends alone. Thanks for the tip, Spike. I owe you one. Get better soon, pet, so that I can stake your ass.”
As she walked around him, Spike caught her hand and yanked her to him. Buffy lost her footing, and tumbled on to Spike’s lap. She barely had time to breathe as his lips closed down on hers, his tongue teasing and coaxing hers. Buffy’s arm’s came around his neck, deepening the kiss as his hands cupped her rounded bottom, bringing her closer to him. As he kneaded her bottom slowly, mewled as she Buffy scooted closer to Spike’s chest.
Then suddenly, Spike’s mouth released hers and he studied her. Her eyes were half-closed with desire and her mouth red and swollen from his kiss. He smiled sensuously as his index finger traced her lower lip.”Consider the debt paid in full, Slayer.”
He then placed the Slayer on her feet and grinned as she leaned against the wall for support. She was still looking at him with stunned eyes.”Shoo! Go get Angel now. And remember, don’t kill him tonight.”
*****
“I’m telling you, if Xander steps on my feet one more time on that dance floor, I’m gonna murder him,”Cordelia stated as she entered the ladies room with Willow and Buffy behind her. Willow and Buffy simply rolled their eyes.”Bad enough I’m dating a lame guy, but to have bad shoes on top of it! I think not!”
“I dunno, Cordy,”Buffy drawled.”He looked kinda cute moving his little tush around on that dance floor!”
Cordelia narrowed her eyes slightly as Willow agreed.“He calls it his flopping fish butt dance. I kinda agree that his butt does move like a flopping fish.”
Buffy and Willow looked at Cordelia blandly as she sniffed.”His ‘butt’ dance is right. Though I suppose you ladies are correct about something, he does have a cute butt. Almost as good as Angel’s, I think.”
Buffy rolled her eyes.”I think that *nobody’s* butt is as cute as Angel’s.”
*****
In the dark, Angel grinned widely when he heard Buffy’s statement through the Ladies Room Door. < Now, *this* is more like it. About time that those idiotic girls appreciated his body. Spike, eat your heart out. You’ve just been replaced! >
*****
“But then, we haven’t seen Spike’s butt yet,”Buffy continued. Willow nodded as she thought about this.
“Yeah, he’s always wearing that trenchcoat, isn’t he? Must be *real* particular with that trench,”Willow mused. Buffy and Cordelia stared at her.
*****
“Wha...?”Spike said as he sat outside the Ladies Room Window. He stared at the window in astonishment.”What the bloody hell is that girl saying?”
*****
“Willow...tell me that you’re not going off on a tangent again,”Buffy begged.”Remember the last time? Danger! Willow Rosenberg! Danger!”
Willow simply rolled her eyes.“What? I mean, you never see Spike without that trench or those jeans. In the same clothes all the time, and we have yet to see him without his clothes...and...I think I’d better stop now.”
“Not enough smoochies from Oz, huh?”Cordelia said sympathetically. Buffy snorted.
*****
//Willow?!? Willow?!? Wants to see *Spike* naked?!? What am I? Chopped liver?//Angel thought incredulously.
*****
“Or too much smoochies. Or is it the lack of touchy-feely?”Buffy said as crossed her arms and leaned against the sink. Buffy chuckled as Willow turned red.”Gee, Will, turn pink why doncha? Well, look at it this way, at least we know what Spike *doesn’t* wear under his jeans.”
Cordelia snickered.”Oh, *yeah*, baby! Even I can dimly recall that image from my drunken haze. Wonder what Angel wears under those leather pants of his?”
“Nothing at all either,”Buffy said absently as she checked her make-up. Her eyes rounded as she realized what she said.”I didn’t say that, did I?”
“Yep, you just did,”Cordelia said smugly. then she cocked her eyebrow at Buffy then looked at Willow, then back to Buffy again.”You know...I just thought of something...”
“And the world shall tremble,”Buffy muttered. Cordelia ignored her as she continued.
“Buffy, you’re the only one that has fully seen the private parts of both Spike and Angel. So....”Cordeila paused. Buffy dreaded that pause.
“So...what? What do you want me to do, compare them? From everything their privates and then some?!?”
“Exactly!”Cordelia beamed.”And leave out no details!”
*****
“What?”Spike yelped aloud. Then hunched over to hide in the shadows.
*****
“What was that?”Buffy said as she looked at the open window. Cordelia snorted.
“Probably some cat. Now give, Buffy!” Cordelia ordered. Buffy looked at Willow for some support.
“Yeah, Buffy! You got to see the private parts of Spike and the completed version of Angel, so how do the two compare?”Willow added.”In fighting, clothes or lack of, bodies, and all that...”
Buffy bristled defensively.”First off, I *never* saw Spike naked. Or Angel for that matter! It was dark in his room, and we were...uh, too busy doing other stuff! Can we talk about something else?”
“Buffy! Think! IMAGINE! Angel naked! Spike naked! Which has the better body?”Cordelia screeched.
“Cordy! Think! NOT! Xander! You smoochless! None of your business! Private thoughts are PRIVATE! ”Buffy yelled back. Willow gave Buffy a sly look.
“All right, then. How did your lipstick get smeared and your lips get all red and swollen when you went to go stake that vamp at the back of the soda fountain?”Willow asked smugly. Buffy’s eyes rounded. Willow continued.”From the looks of it, you were frenched but good!”
*****
//Go into detail, Slayer but don’t bring my name into it,Slayer.//Spike thought as he eagerly leaned over to hear what the Slayer would say about his kissing technique.
*****
//*SHE* was frenched by someone in the back of the soda fountain?!? That’s where we used...*How Dare She*!!//Angel thought as he leaned forward to hear a name slip from his lover’s lips.
*****
“Well, I was uh, frenched! By a guy,”Buffy stuttered.”With clean lips! And nice teeth!”
“I certainly *hope* so!”Cordelia said feverently. Buffy glared at her.”I mean, a dirty mouth? A real ‘Ew!’ factor right there! And teeth? Better than fangs!”
Buffy rolled her eyes as Willow asked.”How? Why? I mean, do we know the guy?”
Buffy thought fast.“Sorts. Been around here. And he, uh, kissed me by accident when I tripped over, uh, something. Vamp got away though.”
“But how was the kiss? I mean how did you do the lip lock by ‘accident’?”Willow persisted. Cordelia lifted her eyebrow at Buffy.
*****
//Yeah, *Buffy*. How does one get lip locked by ‘accident’? // Angel growled to himself.
*****
Buffy rolled her eyes, trying to be cool.Her thoughts and words colliding.“Well, he thought that I, well, he...”
//Spike frenched me silly.//
“He what?!”Cordelia yelled.”Who was he? Was it great or what?”
*****
//Yeah, Slayer was it a great smacker or what?//thought Spike in anticipation.
*****
“Give me a name, Buffy. So that I can rip his head off,”muttered Angel as his head leaned against the door.
*****
Buffy thought fast.”He thought I was the wrong person. And my lips automatically locked on to his. THAT’S what happened!” //Good deletion, Buffy. Good edited version.//
“And did you enjoy it? Was he a good kisser?” Willow persisted.
Buffy blushed a deep red. Cordelia and Willow looked at each other and snickered.
“Guess that blush answered *that* question,”Willow said.”Is there a kiss-o-meter like there’s a sex-meter?”
“Oh, yeah. The rating’s like:Sweet, Nice, Tasty, Moaner, Whoa! and Total Knock-out!”Cordelia informed her loftily.”And that’s the Queen Cordelia kiss-o-meter, thank you very much!”
“So, Buffy? What was it? I know that Angel was a Whoa! And had hit Total Knock-out! several times, so give!”Willow grinned.”Did the guy beat his score?”
Buffy grinned impishly.”Kiss compared to before Angel-less smoochies? The score is Whoa! After Angel-less smoochies: Total-Knock Out!”
*****
“What?!?”Angel roared as he ran into the Ladies Room with yellow eyes.”HE WHAT?!?”
The door swung open and crashed into the wall with a bang. The bright lights of the Ladies Room illuminated the dark doorway. Immediately going into a fighting stance, Buffy’s eyes widened as she took in the face on an enraged Angel. Cordelia and Willow screamed as they moved closer to the stalls. But Angel’s eyes were focused on Buffy’s slightly swollen lips.
“HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT ANOTHER *HUMAN* KISSES BETTER THAN ME?!?”Angel roared.”I’LL *KILL* YOU FOR THAT!”
“Angel! Get a LIFE!” Buffy shouted back.”Which you OBVIOUSLY you don’t *have*!”
Angel pointed an accusing finger at her.”YOU’RE telling ME to get a LIFE?!? I’M *not* the one that’s going around assulting vampires!”
“I’m *supposed* to assault vampires!”Buffy hissed back., then in a louder voice, shouted at him,”And *besides* at LEAST I AM NOT SOME *PERVERT* THAT decided TO BARGE INTO THE OCCUPIED LADIES ROOM! At least *I* have a life!”
“WHAT?”Angel shouted at her.”I’m gonna kill you, Buffy!”
“WHAT”S GOING ON IN HERE?”shouted a voice. A large man appeared at the doorway. Buffy looked up and recognized him as the Bronze’s bouncer. She lifted her finger at Angel and screamed towards the bouncer.
“This *dead*beat guy here *barged* into the bathroom! He’s trying to spy on us! He’s a *dirty* pervert!”Buffy screamed in her best damsel-in-distress voice. Angel gaped at Buffy. Cordelia stared at Buffy. Willow stared at Buffy, then chimed in.
“Yeah! He barged in here and said something about kissing!”Willow said as she grabbed at the bouncer’s shirt.”DO something about this Pervo-Boy! Please!”
The bouncer looked at the girls’ faces. They looked scared and very outraged. The bouncer’s chest grew in indignation at the pervert’s bothering of these pretty and defenseless girls. He grabbed the pervert’s shirt collar.“Come on you pervert! There’s only one place for you!”
“Hey! I’m innocent!” Angel shouted as the bouncer threw him out the door. Then was quickly on top of him before he could get his balance. The next thing that Angel knew was that he was thrown out the Bronze doors and on the ground. Then the next thing he knew, he was being sprayed upon.
“DIRTY PERVS LIKE YOU SHOULD GET CLEANED UP!”the bouncer shouted as he let the hose hit the pervert full spray in the face. Then he abruptly stopped the hose and then picked up the pervert and then threw him into the Bronze’s dumpster.”OR BETTER YET! JUST THROWN INTO THE GARBAGE LIKE YOU BELONG!”
The bouncer then shut the lid of the dumpster with a clang. He dusted off his hands and then looked at the girls.”You girls be careful now when you go home, okay?”
The girls nodded solemnly at the bouncer. He looked them over to see if they were all right, and then saw the guitarist from the band come running up with a dark haired boy who liked to jiggle on the dance floor behind him.
“Willow! Buffy! What happened?” Oz asked as he ran up to the girls with Xander right behind him.”Was there, uh, some trouble?”
The bouncer answered for them.“There was some pervert that barged into the Ladies Room demanding kisses from these girls. Put a stop to that! Now get these girls home safe, Oz. And Jiggle Boy.”
“Jiggle Boy?”Xander echoed. He looked at the girls and asked,”Why am I Jiggle Boy?”
“Probably because of the way that you dance,”Cordelia commented.”Let’s go for Baskin Robbins now, I’m starved.”
“What about that pervert in the dumpster?”Xander demanded.”Don’t you want us to take care of him?”
The dumpster lid flew off and Angel growled as he jumped out of it.”I’m in the mood for some food, geek! Wanna take me on?”
“Maybe when you smell better, Angel,”Buffy said as she delicately wrinkled her nose at him.”You smell a bit ratty right now. And you have an orange peel on you head. And some lettuce on your shoulder.”
Angel growled as he grabbed the peel from his head and wiped his shoulder as he took a menacing step forward.
“There you are, Angelus!”shouted Spike jovially. Angel spun around to look at him.”God! But you smell!”
“What the *hell* do you want, Wheel Boy? Can’t you see I’m about to have a feast?”he growled. Spike ignored him.
“Not tonight. Dru had a vision, saw you head towards a bright light, lots of water and then black,”Spike said as he looked at Angel.”I guess I was too late about the water part, but I think I came in time to prevent the bright light and the black. Now come on, we got to get you cleaned up before she smells you!”
“Do you *MIND*?!? I’m gonna eat here!”Angel growled back. Buffy yawned loudly.
“Angel? Can you at least *shower* before you try to eat us? I mean, I’d at *least* like my corpse to be clean and *not* smelling like a dead fish,”Buffy yawned.”What’s up Spike? Looking good in that wheelchair there.”
Spike nodded at her with a twinkle in his eye.”Doing good, Slayer. Glad to see that you’re not dead yet.”
“Yeah, well, all the others aren’t much of a challenge, getting better?”asked with a wave of her hand.”Angel, get back, I’m trying to talk to Spike while trying to get upwind of you, but it’s not working. Take a bath first. Then I’ll stake your ass.”
Angel growled at her. Spike said sharply,”ANGEL! Dru is waiting and I *really* don’t want to see her in a snit, do you? And if I have to explain why you smell like a really foul smelling...*thing* I *won’t* be responsible for what come out of my mouth!”
Angel looked at the impatient Spike then at his former lover.“Later, then,lover!”
Buffy and her friends watched as Angel started to walk away from them, into the darkness. The group snickered as Spike leaned back into his chair to avoid smelling Angel. Then when Angel was gone, Buffy looked at Spike. With her back towards the Slayerettes, Buffy stared hard at Spike until he looked at her. When his eyes met hers, she smiled then blew him a kiss. She could see the corner of his mouth quirk up a little, then he turned to roll away.
Buffy walked over to her friends.”So who wants ice cream?”
*****
Fin.~