Drunken Antics
“So all the girls over at Buffy’s?”Xander asked Oz as they played pool in the Bronze. Oz shrugged.
“As far as I know,”Oz said as he bent over to take a shot.”They’re having an official all girl’s thing. With drinks and pizza.”
“So what do you think that the girls are doing right now?”Xander asked as he watched Oz’s shot go in.”What *do* girls do in those kinds of parties?”
Oz shrugged as he measured his next shot.”Go me. Talk. Probably look at some mags or stuff. You know, like girl stuff.”
*****
“Pass me another wine cooler, Willow,”said Buffy as she laid on her stomach, her socked feet in the air. Willow obliged as she turned the page of her Playgirl Magazine.
“Oh, Wow! Look at this!”Willow said round eyed as she pointed to the man. She showed the pic to Buffy.”Never knew that these were, I mean, well...They’re very...”
Buffy looked at Willow affectionately.Cordelia looked over Willow’s shoulder as she took another swig of her wine cooler.”Yeah. I think that these guys are *very*...”
“How did you get these magazines Cordelia?”Willow asked as she turned the page.”Wow! Look at this one! He’s upside down in a tree!”
“Yeah, how did you manage to get these mags?”Buffy seconded.”You didn’t steal them, did you?”
“Nah. I swiped them from under Harmony’s bed. She says that her Mom likes to look at them once in a while,”Cordelia shrugged.”Pass a pizza, Buffy. The Super Deluxe Pineapple Special. Don’t feel like Total Supreme Stuffed.”
Buffy passed a slice and giggled.“Who would’ve thunk it? Harmony’s mom, the PTA president, a closet porn reader. Wow.”
“So how’d you get the coolers, Buffy?”Willow asked as she reached for a pink wine cooler, then hesitated.”How’s the pink?”
“The Berry Blast or the Watermelon Zinger? Both are good,”Buffy shrugged, then gave a mischievous grin.”I flirted with Jeremy Clancy, you know, he works at the One-Stop Mart, near the Bronze. Let me have a case.”
“Wow, Jeremy Clancy. He’s going to San Fran this summer,”Willow said wistfully. Then her eyes rounded.”You don’t think he’s friends with Oz, do you? I mean it would be a bad thing for Oz to know that we’re...”
“Drinking? Nahh, I’m sure they’re not friends at all,”Buffy said as she took another swig.”Even if they were, Jeremy’s leaving for San Fran in the fall. And it was his last day today, that’s why he gave it to me. Pissed at Mr. Jackson for yelling at him about something, so he quit. Right after he gave me the case for free. Wow. Will, look at the size on HIM...”
Willow blinked her eyes as she looked at another nude man lying upside down on a couch.”Oh, my.”
Cordelia took a swig from her cooler.“Cool. But let’s get back to topic here. So how about finding out about Spike’s thing?”
“What about finding out about Spike’s thing?”Buffy asked as she rolled over to look at her hands. They were shaped a little funny so she moved them around. Willow looked at her friend, or tried to.
“Think she’s talking about getting to look at Spike’s parts,”Willow said, then hiccupped.”I don’t see why she’s fixated on it though.”
“Has to do with being a safe object of curiosity. Buffy won’t talk about Angel’s,”Cordelia yawned.”All Xander wants to do is smooch and touch, while I want more. Damn it’s hard being a frustrated virgin.”
Buffy and Willow’s eyes rounded. Cordelia looked up, shocked.”I didn’t say that, did I? It’s the coolers! I had seven of them!”
“Cordy! You’re a virgin?”Willow squeaked.”You mean that you never...you didn’t...”
“No,I didn’t,”Cordy scowled.”But don’t tell anyone.”
“Your secret’s safe with us,”Buffy grinned.”So how far with the touching?”
“My chest and his,”Cordelia said as she scowled into her empty wine cooler, and reached for another.”But I have rubbed up against his thing. Makes him crazy. Feels kinda nice.”
“Yeah, Oz’s is kinda nice, too,”Willow agreed dreamily.”Especially when I rub against it a certain way. I didn’t say that, did I?”
“Oooo, Willow’s a naughty girl. Feelin’ Oz’’s thang,”Buffy giggled. Then burst out laughing. Cordy and Willow soon joined in.
*****
“Wonder what they talk about?”Oz mused as he watched Xander take a shot. Xander thought for a moment, then shrugged.
“You got me, only boys in my family,”Xander said as he bent to aim.”Bet it’s same stuff what they talk about here. Only a lot happier.Without the vampire subject.”
*****
“Speaking of thangs,”Willow giggled.”How was Angel’s?”
“All I know is that it felt *real* dreamy,”Buffy said with a dreamy smile. Then her face crumpled.”Never got to see it. Too bad it was only once.”
“Yeah,”Willow said, feeling sad for her friend. Tears started rolling down her eyes.”It-was...it’s...not...fair...”
“Yeah...I mean it’s so sad that a hunk-a-licious like that’s a creep,”Cordelia sobbed.”It’s enough to ruin my make up...Make my nose red...”
“Don’t cry....”Tears started rolling down Buffy’s eyes.”Oh, God, I have such good friends like you to help me through this...”
“Wahh! It’s so unfair,”Willow cried.”Angel nibbles on you, you die, Oz is a werewolf and he can’t nibble on me, and Xander....”
“Xander only has a suction mouth when he kisses. His teeth get in the way,”Cordy cried as she leaned on Willow’s shoulder, sobbing her eyes out.”It’s so unfair.”
“Yeah, Fangs on all the sweeties,”Buffy sobbed as she passed a tissue to Willow.”The Hellmouth’s demons are ruining our pecking and petting sessions...”
“And it’s ruining our make up,”Cordelia wailed. Buffy and Willow burst into new tears.
*****
Xander watched as another of Oz’s shot go in.“Thnk they’re gonna do anything else other than do each other’s make up? And read fashion mags?”
Oz shrugged.”Dunno. Watch movies?”
*****
The girls of the Scooby gang walked arm-in-arm down Buffy’s empty street, swigging their wine coolers. Still sobbing at the injustice of living on the Hellmouth and having it play havoc with their cuties.
“Well, well, who do we have here,”a voice drawled.”If it isn’t the Slayer and company, minus three.”
Buffy squinted in the dark.”Who?”
Angel stepped out from behind a tree.”Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten me, lover. I’m hurt.”
“Angel,”Buffy whispered, then her face crumbled in fresh tears. Angel stared at her.
“What the-”Angel started when something went past his head. He looked at Willow, her face was flushed, chest heaving and her hands were in fists.
“Look what you did, you fucking bastard,”Willow screamed.”You made her cry again! We were feeling so much better, and then YOU had to come! Come on, put up your dukes! I’m gonna punch your lights out!”
Angel looked at her in confusion.”What the HELL is going on?”
“I’m gonna beat you silly, you...you...man!”Willow said as she jabbed a punch into Angel’s stomach. The punch barely hurt Angel. Willow sent another punch, which Angel caught in his hand.”Ow! Buffy! Cordy!”
“You let her go, you insensitive jerk!”Cordelia screeched as she swung her wine cooler bottle at him like a bat, and missed.”You don’t call! You don’t write! All you think of is destruction! And you’re ruining our make-up!”
Cordelia took another swing, and it connected with Angel’s head. Hard. Angel fell flat on the pavement. Buffy walked over to look at him.”You whammied my ex-honey.”
Cordelia put her arm over Buffy’s shoulder.”He deserved it.”
Willow looked over the unconscious Angel.”Yeah. So what now?”
*****
“Want to play another game? Or you want to go home?”Xander asked as he racked up the balls. Oz looked at his watch.
“Let’s play another round,”said Oz as he looked around.”Man, it sure is dead here tonight. And on a Friday, too. Think the girls are having fun?”
“They’re probably as bored as we are,”Xander said as he laid out the balls.”Want to go first?”
*****
Angel’s mind took note of four things as he woke up.one, he his head was hurting. Two, his hands were tied behind his back. Three, it was bright where he was sitting. Four, something was over his mouth.
“Well, what should we do with him?”he heard Cordelia ask.
“Dunno,”Buffy answered.”Normally I’d stake a vamp and go home, not knock him out and tie him up like a turkey in my kitchen.”
Angel lifted his head up at that.“Mmmm...ughhhh..mmmm.”
Willow blinked.”Guys, he’s awake. Hi,Angel.”
“Oh, so he is,”Buffy looked at her ex with an uncomprehending look.”Hi Angel. Whatcha doin’ in my ‘hood?”
Angel glared at her until he smelled her breath. His eyes widened as he took in that the three girls were all rosy cheeked and had bottles of wine coolers in their hands.//Shit! I was taken down by two drunken girls!//
Buffy patted his head.“Oh, poor Angel. Won’t answer. He never answers me. Always the cryptic guy.”
“Poor Buffy, least Xander babbles to me,”Cordelia said as she patted her shoulder. She wagged a well-manicured finger at him.”You should be ashamed, hiccup, of yourself. Hunk like you know better.”
Angel glared at her.
“Yeah,”Willow piped up, her legs swinging from the counter.”Even Oz talks to me about stuff. Doesn’t even try to bite me.”
“So what do we do with him?”Buffy asked.”We stake him?”
“Hey! I got it!”Willow shouted. The other girls looked at her.”Why don’t you look at his thing, Buffy?”
//What the hell is going on?//Angel thought frantically as his eyes darted from one drunken girl to another.
“Look at his thing?”Buffy repeated.”I can’t do that!”
“Why not? You said that you only felt his thing on that one night,”Willow reasoned.”You never saw it.”
“Yeah, but...”Buffy faltered. Angel felt her eyes drop below his belt.//Ohhh no. They CAN’T be talking about...//
“Willow’s right, Buffy. I mean, since you’re not the virgin anymore, you should at least get to see it,”Cordelia reasoned.”I mean, feelin’s great, that’s for us. But once you’re popped, well...anyway, you deserve to see it at least once.”
”Yeah,”Willow said happily.”And we can see too...”
Angel’s eyes widened at that. Buffy shook her head so hard, she nearly toppled over.”No way. Nooo way. No one but me’s gonna look at it.”
Willow’s face crumpled. Cordelia looked at her belligerently.” Why not? We helped catch him for you!”
“Yeah, but are you gonna let ME see Xander and Oz’s things,”Buffy said stubbornly.
“Well, no,”Willow said hesitantly.
“See?”
“Fine, but before we do this, I’m telling you that we need a treat for this,”Cordelia growled.”I mean, I want to see a live or dead one *before* I’m not a virgin anymore. And I don’t mean one from a mag.”
Buffy scratched her head.”Then how about Spike’s? We could try to get a gander at his. He was first choice.”
Angel stared at Buffy.//They want to see *Spike’s* dick? HE was FIRST choice?//
“Why not?”Willow shrugged.”Bet the factory’s empty now, it’s midnight.”
“Okay. Hurry up Buffy,I wanna see Spike, but not be a menu,”Cordelia said as she and Willow left the kitchen. Angel looked at his drunken Slayer, all rosy cheeked. Her eyes were concentrated on his zipper. He crossed his leg, Buffy looked at him, then smacked him on the side of his head.
“Stop that,”Buffy commanded. She uncrossed his legs, and undid his belt. Angel frantically moved his waist around to hamper her efforts. Buffy smacked him on the head harder. It stunned him for a few seconds, enough so that she was able to get his zipper down. Her eyes widened and mouth formed a perfect O when she peeled the pants away.
His face flushing, Angel watched with concentrated detachment as Buffy’s trembling fingers reached for his cock. But without her even coming close to it, it sprang up in attention. Angel growled behind his gag. Damn her and her magic over him, as much as her hated her, he wanted her warm hands on him. He wanted to be inside her heat. For more than that one night. He wanted to be inside her warmth forever. Even when he was playing with Dru, his demented princess. He kept seeing HER, feeling her. And he HATED it. He HATED her.
Buffy’s warm hand finally enclosed around Angel’s cold penis. Her eyes looked at the part of Angel that gave her so much pleasure. The part that took him away from her. She let a finger trail along its rigid length, it quivered under her touch. She passed it over to her other hand, a concentrated look on her face as if trying to decipher why it held a sort of fascination for her. She leaned over to smell it.
Angel groaned as he saw Buffy lean over his cock. He felt the warm breath that she blew over it, and shoved his hips upward. Buffy sprawled backwards, her eyes round, and stared at him. Angel had on the strangest look on his face, he looked like he was in pain, and she hadn’t done anything to him.
“Buffy! You done yet?”Cordelia wailed from the living room.”We wanna see Spike!”
Buffy quickly got up, and stuffed Angel’s hard penis back into his pants, none too gently. Angel groaned. Buffy glanced at his face. It still had a look of pain.“Ohhh, sorry! I’m coming! I’m done!”
“Great, let’s go see Spike now,”Willow said happily.”Where do we put Angel?”
“In the trunk,”Cordelia said.”I’ll drive. Let’s get some more coolers for the road.”
“Sounds cool to me,”Buffy said as she hauled Angel up to his feet.”Wonder how Spike’s gonna feel about us wanting to see his thing?”
*****
“So, think the girls are up to a visit from us?”Xander asked as his ball went in.
“Nahh. Think they’d be, like, mad if we tried,”Oz said as he looked around bored.”Don’t want to get killed by them. Or worse lose out on smoochies if we try to crash.”
“Yeah, the fems would probably pull the cold on us if we tried,”Xander grimaced.”Least they’re not doing anything dangerous, like we usually do.”
*****
“Well, here we are! At the vamp factory,”Cordelia announced.”So what’s the plan? We go our holy water, stakes and crosses.”
“I even got my crossbow,”Buffy said happily.”Let’s visit Spike.”
“Should we get Angel out of the trunk?”Willow asked as she took a cross and stuffed it in her jeans. Buffy shrugged.
“Why not? It’s not like we’re gonna need him after we see Spike. Oughta be happy we gave him a lift home.”
The girls entered the factory, dragging Angel along. Cordelia looked around the place and grimaced.”Ugh...what a mess! How can anyone live well around here?”
“We live here just fine,”an accented voice answered.”What the hell do you three want?”
“Spike!”Buffy said delightfully.”How’ve you been? Getting better yet?”
“I’m fine, Slayer. No thanks to you,”Spike said as he rolled out with two minions.”What the hell are you doing here?”
“We came to give Angel a lift home, but we’re really here to see you, Spike! We really want to see all of you!”Willow said happily.”Aren’t you glad to see us?”
“Beg your pardon?”Spike asked, a bit puzzled.”You...came to bring Angel...home?”
“Yeah,”Buffy said as she threw the still gagged and tied Angel between them and the wheel-chair bound Spike.”We gave him a ride home. But we really want to see you. Actually, a part of you.”
Cordelia sighed.“Actually. we wanted to see your thing. Especially since Buffy wouldn’t let us see Angel’s.”
“Hey! That was a private matter,”Buffy protested.”It started between me and him, and ended between me and him. Besides, you SAID that you wouldn’t let ME see Xander’s thing.”
“That’s different!”Cordelia pouted.”Xander won’t even let ME see his thing. But I’d bet that Oz would let you if Willow asked!”
“Oz wouldn’t do it either,”Willow said morosely,”He slaps my hands away everytime my hands go on his belt.”
“Excuse me, but WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?”Spike shouted. Buffy glared at him.
“No need to be rude,Spike. Jeez, hope you get off the wheels soon, slaying’s no fun without you,”Buffy pouted.”Like Cordy said, we’re here to see you.”
“For what? Last I heard, we’re enemies. E-N-E-M-I-E-S. Know what that means?”
“Yep. It means that we’re mortal rivals,”Willow said happily.”But we’re not here as enemies or rivals. We just want to see your thing.”
“My what?”
“Your thing,”Willow said slowly.”Your member...your...family jewels...your thing...”
Spike stared at her. Willow’s eyes rounded in alarm.”You DO have a thing, don’t you? I mean, it’s not like, gone, is it? Buffy! What if it’s gone?”
“I’m sure it’s not gone,”Cordelia soothed.”I’m sure it’s still there, or else why would he be called Spike? He’d be named Spikeless then. Unless...it’s more of a phall-phall...oh, symbolic name than anything else.”
“Oh, I’m sure that the thing is still there,Cordy,”Buffy said in a sure tone.”I’ve kicked it a couple of times. But I’m not sure that it works.”
“What are you girls talking about?”Spike shouted. Buffy glared at him.
“Well tell us the truth, IS your thing still working?”
“YES! It’s still working! But WHY are you here?”Spike shouted.
Cordelia waved her hand imperiously.”We TOLD you. Because we wanted to see how big your thing is. Buffy wouldn’t let us see Angel’s, not that we blame her, since you were the first choice and all, but he was just there.”
Angel groaned. His pride was in shreds. Let Buffy stake him now and be done with it.Cordelia continued.”So we all decided to see a real one, not one from a mag, before we’re all not like, virgins. So we picked a neutral body, so to speak. Yours.”
Spike stared at her.”The Hellmouth’s finally done it. You girls are finally trippin’. You girls actually came here to see what my cock looks like.”
All three girls nodded. Willow smiled brightly.”And we even brought Angel home.”
“You think I want him home?”Spike snarled.”You could’ve staked him for all I care!”
“So you won’t show us your thing?”Buffy pouted.”That’s not nice.”
Spike just stared at the Slayer. Willow offered.”Well, how about we show you the guys’ things? From the mags of Harmony’s mom?”
“NO!”Spike roared. Willow tried again.
“How about if we get Xander’s and Oz’s things for you to see?”
“NO!”Spike’s face was growing red.//I’M NEVER going to live this down.//
Willow asked again.”Our things? Not that we have things, but we do have a different version of a male thing.“
“I’m not showing him my thing,”Buffy stated empathically.”No matter *how* cute he is. Offer him some coolers, Will.”
“How about-”
Spike roared.”NO! NO! NO! I don’t want to see a mag of a man’s thing! I DON’T wnat to see Xander’s and Oz’s things! *I DON’T WANT TO SEE YOUR THINGS! “
“But we want to see yours,”Willow pouted. Spike glared at her.
“Enough of this! Attack them and throw them out!”Spike ordered the two minions. They raced towards the girls. One tried to attack Buffy, but she threw a stake at his heart. The other rached towards Cordelia who threw a vial of holy water at his face, and as he screamed, Willow staked him. Then the three looked at Spike. He took one look, and tried to roll away, but Buffy caught him. Angel tried to trip her, but she kicked him in the stomach. Buffy then placed a glaring game faced Spike in front of the girls.”Who goes first?”
“What about Angel?”
“Oh, haul him up on the chair. So we won’t trip on him,”Buffy ordered.”Can’t have a man littering the hallway.”
“What about Spike’s teeth? And hands?”
Buffy tied them with a cloth she had in her jacket pocket. Then she found a handkerchief on a table nearby, and gagged him. Buffy kissed him on the cheek.”Be good,Spike, and we’ll be quick. Now spread your legs wide...”
Spike glared at her. Then he sniffed, and went wide-eyed. He then looked at the two rosy cheeked girls kneeling around him.//Criminy! THEY WERE DRUNK! His two minions were dusted by three drunken horny girls!!//
“I got the belt,”Willow giggled. Cordelia giggled as Buffy placed her cheek against Spike’s and her arms flung around his chest. Her hands traced the muscles there.
“Been working out,Spike. Feelin’ the muscles there,”Buffy said huskily. Spike stared at the Slayer’s lust filled eyes.//This was NOT happening.//
“I got the zipper,”Cordelia crowed. Then her eyes widened.”Wow...better than the pics...”
“Does it work?”Willow asked. Spike glared at her. Buffy frowned and reached over to gently stroke it. It immediately went up at her touch. Buffy grinned as Spike groaned.
“Guess it does. Gee, from this angle, it looks as big as Angel’s,”Buffy commented. Spike and Angel glared at her.”Maybe a slight different in size? Touch it Will, and see if it’ll go up some more.”
Willow was hesitant to touch the thing.”What does it feel like?”
“Angel’s felt like cold marble this time around,”Buffy frowned.”This one feels a little...”
Cordelia’s head shot up.“Buffy! We’ve got company!”
“Oh, pooh!”Willow said.”Should we put him back?”
“Yeah, I’ll do it. I put back Angel’s,”Buffy said.”Go to the car and be ready to scat.”
Cordelia and Willow quickly rose up to go to the door. Buffy quickly stuffed Spike’s thing back into his jeans with a little trouble.”It’d help if you lifted your hips a little, Spike. Got no desire to have Drucilla come in here with your pants down. There.”
Buffy kissed his nose before she raced out of the door.”Get better Spike. Slayin’ no fun without you, and I wanna stake you soon as you’re on your feet. By the way, you were better than the pics!”
*****
“Ready to call it a night?”Oz asked. Xander nodded.“Want to do something with the girls tomorrow?”
“Nahh, let’s have a man thing instead,”Xander said.
“We had that tonight,”Oz said paitently.
“Oh. Then let’s call the girls and have a Scooby thing tomorrow. Prophecies, problems and demons, not included.”
*****
Spike glared at Angel. Angel glared at Spike.
“They were drunk,”Spike said.”And not thinking too clearly.”
“I know that, roller boy,”Angel growled.”So what’s the story we tell? Or you want to say how three drunk girls over came four vampires just to take a look at our...things.”
“MY thing,”Spike growled back. He had the perverse satisfaction of know that all three wanted to look at HIS rather than Angel’s first. That the Slayer was turned on by HIM. And she kissed HIM. And was waiting to fight HIM.
“Whatever,”Angel growled.How dare Buffy want to see Spike’s before HIS. That she admitted to waiting to fight SPIKE. To compare HIS cock against SPIKE’S. It was humiliating.”So what’s the story?”
“The girls came in to kill us both, and they heard the others pull up, then ran,”Spike said flatly.”No mention about them wanting to look at our...things.”
“Agreed. Shake,”Angel growled. The two vampires shook hands and parted. But as they turned away from each other, Spike started to grin widely as Angel’s face grew white with hatred for his ex-lover and her friends.