Conversation In the Ladies Room
"So, honey, want to go out tonight and pick up a few dresses?"Angel asked Drucilla as she walked in the room with Spike. Drucilla's eyes lit up at the suggestion.
"Oh, yes!"Drucilla said as she clapped her hands."Miss Edith and I need new dresses!"
"You and Miss Edith already have enough dresses,"Spike growled at her, then glared at Angel from his wheelchair."And I can bloody well take care of dressing Drucilla myself, thank you."
"But Spike,"Drucilla pouted."The dresses that you got me make my breasts all itchy and puckery."
Angel walked slowly over to Drucilla and grinned lavaciously at her as he traced a finger over the lace of her cleavage."Yeah, Spike. poor Dru's all itch where her nipples are from the dresses she has. I can take care of that, make sure that she gets a dress that doesn't scratch her there."
Spike growled at Angel, who jumped back laughing at him. Angel then looked up to see the two vampires he had sent to watch over Buffy.They were whispering to each other furiously. He grinned."Well, who do we have here? Hello there Derrek, Selena. Anything to report tonight?"
Spike looked over at the two vampires that watched over the Slayer on Angel's command. He growled at Angel angrily. Ever since the bloody dog lost his soul, he'd been moving in on his territory. On place. On his Dru.
"Uh, no. Nothing really, Angelus,"stammered Derrek. Selena simply kept her head down." The Slayer, after hunting, met her friends at the Bronze. Talked and then went home."
"And did you hear what the Slayer and her friends talk about?"Spike growled. Then he stared as Derrek flushed red and Selena flushed redder."Want to tell me what the Slayer and her friends were talking about?"
"Well, I, uh, didn't hear much of what was said,Spike. I just know a little. I was outside at the time,"Derrek stammered.
"Outside where? The Bronze?"Angel asked, curious. He looked hard at Derrek who nodded, then at Selena. She avoided his gaze and was staring at who? He followed her lowered lids to...Spike? What was going on?"Where were you Selena?"
She jumped at his question."I was, uh, in the stalls."
"In the where?"
"In the stalls. The bathroom stalls,"she clarified. Spike stared at her.
"You mean to tell me that you overheard the Slayer and her friends talk in the ladies room of the Bronze?"
"Was there anything important that was said?"
Derrek looked down and Selena flushed redder. "I don't think that it-it was anything of importance, Spike."
Spike had it. First Angel was trying to horn in on his authority, and now these idiots!"I'll be the judge of that! Now out with it you bloody idiot or else it's throw-out-the-bodies detail for you both!"
Derrek started in an embarressed tone."Well, I was outside and I heard the Slayer's voice from the open window..."
*****
"Don't you think that it's a morbid question, Will? I mean, really"Buffy said in exasperation."Who I would choose to kill me? Please!"
"Well then answer the other one then."
"Which vampire I'd like to have sex with? That's a disgusting thought, Will. I mean, gross to nth degree, Will," Buffy grimaced. "What's up with all these questions?"
"Well, I was cleaning my room, and I found an old stack of vamp novels that I used to read. The ones that always said that they were sexy and all angst ridden."
"A la Anne Rice."
"Yeah, and anyway I was thinking that maybe there was some truth in the sexy part, and I started thinking...about, well, death and sex."
"Always a dangerous sign, Will,"Buffy grinned."Especially about death and sex."
"So I kinda wondered more about the sex part,"Will stammered. Buffy cocked an eyebrow."Then the death part. And since you're the one that's fight the vamps most of the time, I figured that, well..."
"I'd know more about what vamp I'd like to have sex with, and if I'd have a preference with choosing my own killer,"Buffy concluded."I think definitely morbid much, Will. You've been researching too much. Gotta get you to the beach."
"Oh, come on, Buffy. Tell me that you haven't thought about it once in a while,"Willow persisted. Buffy shrugged.
"Well, to answer both your questions, I'd have to go with Spike."
Willow gaped at her."Spike?!? You're kidding me! Spike?!?"
Buffy scowled at her and was aboout to retort when Cordelia walked into the bathroom."Spike what?"
"Spike nothing,"Buffy frowned. Willow was heedless to her friend's tone, her mind was still reeling.
"Buffy would like to have Spike kill her and make love to her,"she blurted out."Spike?!?"
"Yeah, Spike. What of it?"
"I'm thinking, Ew!"
"Why Spike?"
"What do you mean 'why Spike?'?"
"Yeah, Buffy,"Cordelia asked,"Why Spike? I mean why not Angel? He was you ex. Why not him?"
Buffy rolled her eyes."It's because he was my ex-honey. I mean, before he changed he was...well, now. Anyway, I'd prefer Spike because with him, it's just business. No feeling or anything involved. Just a real intense concentration on who would live or die. Know what I mean?"
Willow nodded."Plus the fact that he's killed 2 Slayers and you wanna like, avenge them."
"There is that,"Buffy admitted."He's also the best fighter I've come up against. Better than the Master, at least."
"What I'm not getting is why you'd want Spike of all vamps to make love to you,"Cordelia interjected."I mean, he's, well, he's no Angel. And Angel's well, salty goodness with an extra cream filling. But I will say that he has a nice bod."
"Yeah, why not Angel ? I mean, if you hadn't known him before he had a soul. Why not him?"
Buffy rolled her eyes again."Because I think that he'd be way too much into S&M for me. I'm not into the pain, whips and chains scene, maybe games later, but no pain. I get that enough. And besides, Willow said sex, not make love. There is a difference, you know. Now can we go on to a different topic?"
Cordelia shrugged."Did you see what Harmony was wearing today?"
"Wonder how sex with Spike would be,"Willow mused out loud.
"Oh, I think fantastic,"Buffy answered absently. Her eyes rounded as she got gaped looks from her friends."I didn't just say that out loud, did I?"
"You think that sex with Spike would be fantastic?"Cordy yelped.
"Looks like *I* wasn't the only one that had wonder-about-sex-with- a-vamp on my mind,"Willow crowed."Come on, give! Why?"
Pinned by the looks of her friends, Buffy answered."Well...like Cordy said, he has a nice bod. Strong. Hard."
"And?"
"He has a real deep voice,"Buffy said faintly."That's like, deep."
"And that gorgeous accent,"Willow said dreamily.
"Nah, sounds too much like Giles. That's a major off for me. Other than the vampire thing."
"So what else?"Cordelia persisited. Buffy looked hesitant."Give!"
Red-faced, Buffy gave. "Well, remember that intense concentration that I was talking about before? If he's not so intense about killing me, then think of the intenseness he'd have at sex."
"Wow! Sex with Spike...That'd be...so intense!"Willow said wide-eyed. Buffy and Cordelia looked at her, then at each other and burst out laughing.
*****
Wide-eyed Spike stared at Derrek. Angel broke the silence."And that was the end of the conversation?"
"Uh...that was all that I heard. I went to look for Selena after that,"he stammered. Angel turned on her, she was looking at Spike through lowered lids.
"Well? Was that it?"he barked. Selena jumped slightly before she looked at him and blushed.
"No, there was a bit more."
"Well? Out with it!"
"The Slayer and her friends were about to leave when the girl Cordelia asked..."
*****
"So, how was making love with Angel?"
Buffy stopped in her tracks."Huh?"
"Cordelia! How can you ask that?"Willow squeaked."That's such a personal question!"
"No, asking what Angel's size would be a personal question. I just wanted to know how it was,"Cordelia defended."I'm not asking if he was a teenie-weenie, 'umm good' or 'oh,my god!' size. I just want to know if he was good."
"A teenie-weenie? Umm good? 'Oh my God!' size?"Willow choked."I didn't know that there were labels on sizes!"
"There are labels on everything, Willow!"Cordy smirked." So?"
"I never...I mean, we were to busy...I never saw his size,"Buffy blushed."We were too busy doing stuff...and it was well...um..pretty good."
"That's it? Only pretty good?"Cordelia echoed, clearly disappointed. "With a hunk like that, he was *only* pretty good?"
"That's it? Only pretty good?"Cordelia echoed, clearly disappointed. "With a hunk like that, he was *only* pretty good?"
"It was only for one night! And one time, if you remember,"Buffy defended."Besides, there was only time to do it once!"
"Wonder how big Spike is?"Willow said aloud. Buffy stared at her."I didn't ask that out loud, did I?"
"Now that's a personal question,"Cordelia commented. Willow blushed to the roots of her hair.
"Well...Spike's as big as Angel, and..."
Buffy shook her head vigorously."I don't want to know."
"So he might be as big as Angel,"Cordelia concluded."Maybe Buffy can..."
Buffy looked horrified."I am not going to feel Spike down the next time I fight with him!"
"Why not? He wouldn't know the difference! He'd just think you were attacking him in a sensative area!"
"No!"Buffy was still shaking her head."Can't you see it? I mean, me going to fight with Spike, and wondering how I could cop a feel to see how big he is?"
"Well, then have you seen his shoe size?"Willow asked helpfully. Buffy and Cordy stared at her."I mean, they say that it's related in size. That's what I heard."
"I thought it was the size of his hands,"Cordy said thoughtfully."Or was it his pants size?"
"Either way,I am leaving this conversation. I am not going to wonder on Spike's size anymore this night!"Buffy decided.
"But Buffy! Aren't you the least bit curious? I mean, you have thought about it?"Willow protested.
"I have, but that's not the point!"Buffy said in exasperation.
"Then what is the point?"Cordelia said."You're the one that's got us curious on what Spike's size is!"
Buffy was about to protest when they heard a loud male voice."HEY! What the devil are you fems doing in there? Are you coming out before the year 2000?"
"We're coming Xander!"Cordelia called aout as the girls readied to leave."I say we continue this at Buffy's tomorrow!"
"Hey! I'm not answering any more..." Buffy protested as Willow nodded as they left.
******
There was absolute silence in the factory as Spike and Angel stared at Selena with wide-eyes. She twitched under their intense concentration. Spike's hand covered this mouth."And that was all?"
Selena nodded. Drucilla looked at her with concrentration, a frown on her brow."Why did they want to know Spike's size?"
That was it, Spike face flushed. Then started to snicker, and the wild uncontrolable laughter errupted from his chest. Angel glared, then growled at Spike as the titterings in the factory grew.
Angel glared at the laughing vampires around him.Bad enough that he had lost the respect of his peers when he was cursed. It was real bad to know that he was once the Slayer's lap dog. It was worse to know that she described his performance as pretty good to her friends. But it was absolutely humilating to know that his ex wanted to have *Spike* of all vampires to kill her! And to top it off, she wanted *Spike* to make love to her *and* that she was curious about Spike's dick size!
Spike looked at Angel and laughed even harder. If the slayer was here, he'd definitely kiss her. Maybe even give her a peek at how big he was. The humiliation and anger on Angel's face was worth it. That conversation alone made his life. The Slayer had unconciously gave back his pride and masculinity all at once. And added to the prize, she helped him in humilitaing Angel!
"Shut Up!" Angel shouted. Spike laughed harder."I said shut up!"
"As soon as I get out of this chair, I think that I'd oblige the Slayer. Maybe give her a peek at what she wants to feel,"Spike said through his laughter."Respect for the last request of the enemy and all that!"
"I said shut up! And you're not going anywhere near her!"Angel growled as he gathered up Spike's shirt and pulled him up from the chair."You aren't going to give her *anything*!"
Spike threw Angel's hands from his shirt and taunted him."Well it seems that *you* haven't given her anything at all if she's wondering on how big I am! Must be losing your touch with women! Slayer's not satisfied with second best, and according to her, I'm the best."
Angel growled. Drucilla ran up to Angel and grabbed his arm."Can we go look for a dress now, my Angel?"
Angel threw off her arm."Later,baby. I gotta think,"he said as he stalked off amid the laughter. Drucilla looked at him, puzzled.
When Spike was alone, he stretched his legs. They were healing nicely, he could move them more each day. He grinned as he stroked himself to hardness as he imagined the Slayer. With her wide eyes and small mouth. Her legs open. Warm. Wet. Willing."Never thought I'd imaging about fucking a Slayer..."
-The End?