This is not intended as a primer on classical mythology. For much more detail, please consult a book like Hamilton's Mythology. Reading books is good for you.

Honesty demands an admission that there were often several versions of every story; people's origins and parentage could vary wildly. The following off-the-cuff remarks usually refer to the most widely accepted version.

Ajax. Should have been seven foot tall, enormously strong and half-retarded. Didn’t survive the Trojan War, which happened in the generation after Hercules. He was a king.

Aphrodite. Every time she opens her mouth, I’m reminded the show isn’t real. A valley girl? Still, they got her half right; Alexandra Tynding is very decorative in a nightie, which is right for the character, even if something less modern would have been better. Most of the essential personality traits are conveyed- vanity, jealousy and lust- save that she comes across far too harmless. Her antics stir up trouble, but no one ever gets killed. Classical mythology dealt much with the consequences of the lust she incarnated. Here she’s comedy relief and cleavage. The Greeks wouldn’t have approved of this interpretation, but they would have recognized her. One of the 12 great gods of the Olympian Pantheon.

Apollo. All wrong, other than being blond and good-looking. Skateboarding had not been invented. Much more dignified than this guy. The Greeks were worshippers of the body beautiful and didn't imagine tattoos on their gods, least of all this one. If an anachronistic interpretation was necessary, would have been better as a suffering artist type, mooning and writing mushy poetry over the latest nymph to have herself turned into something rather than make out with him. One of the twelve.

Ares. Despite being one of our favorites in this incarnation, one of the characters most twisted beyond recognition. Homer gives us an Ares red-faced, thick and cowardly. Got his ass kicked on the plain of Troy several times. Once was beaten up by a couple of mortals and held captive over a year. Other than the love of war, this guy is all wrong. The Greeks did not love war, at least in Homer and the Athenian-dominated tradition we know today. It may say something appalling about our society that this modern version is handsome, cunning, and skilled. As a villain, he works very well, but other than being warlike and evil he’s still antithetical to the source. One of the twelve.

Athena. Cunning, beautiful, and skilled in war. In addition to wisdom, her chief function was as a courageous and fairly benign war goddess who was everything the real Ares wasn’t. One of the ones who defeated Ares at Troy. I’m told she appeared in an episode of HERCULES, but I haven’t seen it. I really don’t want to know what terrible things they did to her. One of the twelve.

Alcemene. The myths don’t say much about her, so maybe her chest was still that perky in her 50s. A descendent of Perseus, therefore part-divine herself, and queen of Thebes.

Atalanta. A bit more than half right. A buff princess who must have been attractive to have been so pursued. They ignored the story they extracted her extracted her from, which would have made a perfectly good "Taming of the Shrew"-esque episode, with a climactic footrace thrown in. This blacksmith version dresses in an outfit that’s positively pornographic on Corey Everson. And she likes men; not a little- a lot. Not the impression the original left.

Autolycus. A clever thief; so far, so good. Was more a cattle-rustler than a cat burglar. Also Ulysses grandfather, which places him about a generation before Hercules. This guy is too young, and too goofy; he’s pretty funny though.

Bacchus. Contrary to his XENA appearance, did not have red skin or horns. He was constantly described by classical writers as looking like an extremely beautiful young man. He had the most amazing violet eyes. He was all about drinking lots of wine, and the things that inspires. His followers were not goths or vampires, as Anne Rice and Marilyn Manson had yet to be born; vampires were invented in Eastern Europe, possibly much later, and the Greeks and Romans didn't know about them. The Bacchae were dirty, naked, wild women. They tore victims to pieces, waved the pieces around and ate them, as well as drinking their blood; they lacked fangs. Bacchus was youngest of the 12, until Hercules took Demeter's place after ascension.

Bodecia. 800 years too early.

Caesar. What in the world is he doing here? Only slightly more appropriate than writing in Robert E. Lee. A good bit better would have been using Alexander the Great, who was from the area, somewhat less well documented, and only 400 years too late instead of 800. Julius Caesar never betrayed his allies, but did kick the hell out of ones who betrayed him. He’d either have everyone involved flayed for this insulting interpretation, or make friends with them so they'd cut it out. He would put a stop to it. Also, bald by the time he made general. Was proclaimed a demi-god after death.

Callisto. God knows, she's one of our favorites, but 100% wrong.  See Callisto in Mythology

Gabrielle. Made up for the show, so I can't complain.

Iolus. Hercules's nephew, son of Iphicles, who assisted against the Hydra; his only recorded adventure with Herc. Later in life, was involved with a bunch of Hercules's sons in a feud with someone. Not to be confused with Aeolus, god of the winds. Not a thief; a descendent of Perseus, therefore part-divine himself, and a prince.

Iphicles. Not well documented, so perhaps this is a fair version. Indeed, the fraternal twin half-brother of Hercules. I was impressed when he first appeared, that someone had even bothered to look up his name and get it right. That's part of what's so maddening; just as with Sisyphus cheating death and the Bacchae drinking blood, someone was at least half-familiar with the source material before they usually twisted it beyond recognition. A descendent of Perseus, therefore part-divine himself, the true son of Amphitryon, king of Thebes, and rightful heir to his throne.

Jason. Indeed a contemporary of Hercules, who was one of his Argonauts. Didn't hang around Herc's hometown after the Golden Fleece affair. Had picked up a wife, Medea, during the adventure, who kept him occupied until he threw her over for a local princess. Never married Alcemene. Another King.

Joxer. Made up for the show, so I can't complain.

Sisyphus. A wily man who cheated death several times. Proceeded to escape Hades temporarily at least once. Got in trouble in the first place, unlike this version, for telling someone where to find Zeus amidst a tryst. I suppose I shouldn't complain too much. Was finally sentenced to roll a boulder forever uphill in Tartarus. He was Ulysses' other grandfather, who tangled with Autolycus a few times, therefore active the generation before Hercules. Probably the king of Attica.

Ulysses. One of the big stars of the Trojan War. Homer describes him as large, muscular, red-haired, and way clever; somehow, the impression was not that he was exactly handsome. At the end of his long voyage, not exactly the well-groomed leading man with straight teeth we met. Since they've been pretty good about sticking to Greek names, should have been Odysseus. Protagonist of much more interesting adventures than he had with Xena. Generation after Hercules. King of Attica.