Yes I got to travel to marvelous New Jersey this summer - Newark, no less - with my good friend Matt to see his better friend, Mary. We had quite a fun time harassing all the New Jersey-ites with our intentional rudeness and lack of regard for the rest of the population. This picture was taken at a Crate and Barrel in some mall right outside of Newark. (By the way what were they thinking, making their highways concrete???) As you can see, Mary and Matt are enjoying the luxury of a leather couch. (I'll talk more about Matt's obsession with leather later.) Well anyways, this mall was made specifically for rich, snooty people. There were little lounge areas stationed at select spots in the mall with COUCHES and PHONES and TABLES. Can you believe it?!? And there was a Neimen Marcus and a Nordstrom's! This was certainly an elite establishment and needless to say, we felt MOST out of place. Here you can see Mary and I enjoying the luxury of a mattress that had some funky mechanism that made one side fill up with a certain amount of air (controlled by the person). It was kinda cool, until the salespeople grew suspicious of us and "customer serviced" us to death to drive us out. We lingered a while to piss them off, then grew bored and left.
Soon after we pissed off as many people as possilbe (or just downright confused them) we went back to Mary's place (which she was moving out of) and then to a diner, called Willy's. This is where I ate The Perfect Salad. I had never had such a salad before. Why, you may ask, was it perfect? Because the pieces of lettuce were just the right color: light green and crispy. And the tomato slices were large yet firm and not gooey. The cucumbers were big, too, and had most of the skin peeled off. And they gave me a SHITLOAD of Creamy Italian dressing, my favorite. And I am known for using my condiments in excess. After that, we drove home, and Matt ran over an ABK (already-been-killed) animal on the way back to MA. He was too busy being paranoid about the cops in back of him and I told him to look out, but it was too late. I felt the ribcage under the tires and everything. It was awful. I never want to have to experience that again! But just for that, here is a picture of Matt fornicating with Bobo the Gorilla. As you can see, he has a unique way with animals. So that is my trip to New Jersey. Exciting in many ways, disturbing in a variety of others. Now I have to find some way to keep Matt from violating all those poor jungle animals . . .
Save poor Bobo! Take a look at his face . . . he's just not into that whole jungle boogie thang. Actually, it looks like he's asleep . . . a testament to Matt's sexual prowess?*
This picture was taken at a Crate and Barrel in some mall right outside of Newark. (By the way what were they thinking, making their highways concrete???) As you can see, Mary and Matt are enjoying the luxury of a leather couch. (I'll talk more about Matt's obsession with leather later.) Well anyways, this mall was made specifically for rich, snooty people. There were little lounge areas stationed at select spots in the mall with COUCHES and PHONES and TABLES. Can you believe it?!? And there was a Neimen Marcus and a Nordstrom's! This was certainly an elite establishment and needless to say, we felt MOST out of place.
Here you can see Mary and I enjoying the luxury of a mattress that had some funky mechanism that made one side fill up with a certain amount of air (controlled by the person). It was kinda cool, until the salespeople grew suspicious of us and "customer serviced" us to death to drive us out. We lingered a while to piss them off, then grew bored and left. 
After that, we drove home, and Matt ran over an ABK (already-been-killed) animal on the way back to MA. He was too busy being paranoid about the cops in back of him and I told him to look out, but it was too late. I felt the ribcage under the tires and everything. It was awful. I never want to have to experience that again! But just for that, here is a picture of Matt fornicating with Bobo the Gorilla. As you can see, he has a unique way with animals. So that is my trip to New Jersey. Exciting in many ways, disturbing in a variety of others. Now I have to find some way to keep Matt from violating all those poor jungle animals . . .
