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Names and faces are often changed to protect indentities, but not always. It depends how much I like the people. If you feel you have been unfairly represented in one of my stories, please email christinesayseatshit@hotmail.com. Thanks, and happy reading! |
... that I have finally figured out what it takes to get your license in ANY state:
They insist I must get married. They furrow their eyebrows endlessly at how I could get into a relationship and not instantly look for this person to be "the one". They wander around aimlessly with their heads in their ass ... who could I be talking about? 95% of all West Michiganers.
I know they want me to get married right out of high school and pop out my first baby at the age of 19. Then I must have another one ever 2 years until I'm 30. At that point, I am useless and my ultra-conservative husband secretly hangs out at strip clubs with his other married friends. I go to church every Sunday and don't let my children watch the Simpsons.
Down with conservatism! To get a feel of the pressing issues that plague this state, go to this waste of the world wide web.
(Excerpt from an email)
By the way we had a local story here about a 38 year-old woman in Lowell (with a few exceptions, a very trashy, very industrial city almost akin to Flint) who beat up a 50 year-old woman because she had 13 items in a 12 items or less lane! OK, stuff like that has gotten me miffed before, but I never felt the urge to beat the crap out of anyone. And then the funniest part is, on the train into Boston this group of people who must take the same train every day and sit together were talking about it, and a woman of about 50-55ish said, "You know why it happened? Because nobody wants to parent anymore." It took about 30 seconds for someone to say, "I agree." I thought to myself - how ignorant? What does that have to do with the price of tea in Milwaukee? Not to mention, lady, that this 38 year-old woman would have a mother and father very close to your age! So what are you REALLY trying to say?!? But I kept quiet and listened to my Heart CD.
Ever meet those people who have to repeat themselves 10 different times, marginally changing the syntax of each sentence each time? I understand that the majority of the world is stupid, but did you ever get the feeling that these people need to make sure THEY get the instructions straight, because they're not really sure what the fuck they're saying?
My boss does that. It drives me nuts. He'll tell you how to do something, then he says, "Again ... (insert meaningless drivel here)" and nod your head. The third times starts to my make my eyes go glassy, and my mouth works its way toward that agape stage. After the third time, I start getting impatient and want to strangle the person, who isn't making this fourth set of instructions any more interesting than the first 500 times. At the fifth time, I just get up and pretend I have to pee.
At the Who concert last night, a woman took her 3 year old child. The child was sound asleep by 10pm despite the raucous crowd and the righteuously kickass music. However, while holding the child in her arms, she also thought it would be absolutely imperative to smoke a cigarette and blow it right in the child's face as she slept. Not to mention the risk that the child was going to get burnt, as she felt compelled to hold the child AND the cigarette with the same appendage. I should have ended both of their lives to put out their current and impending misery.
People really piss me off.
Some of you may or may not know this, but within a week I will be transporting my sorry ass down to Florida. The exact town: Mary Esther, Florida - an almost equal distance between Pensacola and Destin. I thought it would be important to announce that I am not moving alone - but with a cat! Yes, a female cat named Sylvestra ... as well as ... a man! Yes, a human man - mostly white (a little spic in the soup) and possessing all major body parts.
As most of you who know me are aware of, I cannot express deep, powerful emotions to save my life - at least not in a personal setting, and I don't do it often, because I'm not the gushing type. But this human man that I sometimes call Ian (also known as "Dicklick", "Cocksucking Fuckfinger", and "Eye-Anne Kee-Og" is easily the best friend I've ever had. I know sometimes he doesn't think so, but I do trust him more than my past dictates I should and we are too much alike to not at least remain friends for a good portion of our lives. Speaking of portions, I could go for a heaping bowl of Chili right now with some Galloway Diner cornbread. Alas, I shall dream of it and go back home to play with myself.
Happy 40th ... er, 29th ... um, 26th birthday, Chewy Noodle. I love you more than you know.
May the allibaster squirrel remain in your good graces for life.
Since I last wrote, the man I loved has decided he's not ready for a live-in relationship, has moved away to take what appears to be the job of his dreams, and I am living alone without a man or a cat and enjoying it sometimes ... and other times, languishing in the throes of boredom and loneliness.
I suppose it is hard to comprehend how one can leave a person he claims treated him very well. I may not be perfect but I am the best relationship you've had and this is what I get for it? Really now. Talk about not knowing who you are and what you want. But I really was fooled.
In any case, I am trying some new things. Streaking across the Golden Corral parking lot, growing pet tomatoes, Yoga, having sex with underaged boys, and cooking grandiose meals for gay black men. My rent is up and my hours are cut so money is tighter than a 10 year-old virgin but I DO have my health. I have my music, I have some friends, and I most importantly still have Ian as a very good friend. I value that more than anything. No, really. It's true.
Milwaukee ... New Jersey