December 2001

How does a man decide what he is to hold onto and what is he to let go. You are always told to have hope and believe that things can happen if you want thenm to. On the other hand you can't make people think or want something that they don't. As the hard truth remains,not everyone will want to be friends with you or the person you love always going to love you back. How can you explain the co-exsistence of hope and fate. Hope gives a person the ability to carry on knowing that things can go the way they want, but fate states that things happen or don't happen are meant to be. This is very contradictory in my opinion, but a person can't really deal with things that happen to the him/her without accepting both. As I sit here and write this I wonder why it has taken me so long to realize these things. I do know that hope can be a good thing, but like everything else too much can be a good thing in that sometimes blind hope can stop you from seeing the envitable. Maybe this is completely flase and is just the babblings of a man trying to decide in the direction to take his life. Maybe its the point of view taken after not wanting to hold on to what will never be. Whatever it may be, a new begining is to take place. When that is to fully take place only that author can direct it.

How does one decide when enough is enough? When has enough time passed by? How do I pull myelf out of the situation I've placed myself? Well everyone comes to the realization at some point in there life when the change they are looking for or need is upon them. The pain, problems, or set-backs it causes need to be overcome. You know that you are really in a hole when on of your closest friends has fallen into a simular situation and says that they don't want to be you. That to don't want to become that mess you have turned yourself into, that which you don't even recognize yourself anymore. This is the preverbial wake-up call. No longer can you stand around with your head up your ass and wait for things to get better. It's time to take your life back into your hands. Maybe regaining your former self is best, but sometimes a complete review of who you are is inorder. Evaluate those quirks of your personality that yet you fall into the despair that you are trying to pull your from. As I write, I know it is easy for me to put this to words, either paper or screen. The hardest part is performing that action. Trying to work through the current endeavor is never easy, its always that first step out of your norm or comfort zone that everyone talks about but doesn't seem to take. As to not be a hypocrit, I myself am having trouble taking that leap. You may beable to convince some that you have and may even be leaning that way. You maybe able to fool others with a fake exterior, but YOU know how it really is. No matter how far you go, how many bridges you burn, no matter what cave you hide, your thoughts and feelings are with you. As for myself, I've tried to rebuild relationships with friends that I have distanced and re-discover a new me. But I still wake up with same thoughts and feelings I went to sleep with. I've built a wall to keep them in. Now I most overcome my fears and tear it down. Brick by brick, stone by stone, pebble by pebble.

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