My name is Lorel, the spirit world knows me by the name of Spotted EagleWoman. I come from a long line of female psychics on my mothers side. My life was relatively normal until my l2th year of age. At that time, darkness filled every aspect of my life. I no longer had any desire to live and would pray nightly that God would call me "home". Evil thoughts plagued my mind, yet I could not understand why. I always felt as if I was being watched by something dark and menacing. I did not understand why I had changed, I only knew that I was being caged by something unseen. Thoughts filled my head, putting me into trance like states. It was not long before I no longer had control - hours spent rocking back and forth, unable to speak, unable to scream. The transition had taken place, I no longer owned my own body but instead became captive of something stronger, older and indeed evil. When not in a catatonic state, I would often walk as if in a sleep state, feeling very weak and lost. I was able to lead a seemingly normal life, attending school during the day hours. It was not until the evening hours, that the transition would, at times, take place. I would feel it gradually, like a dark veil falling upon my head and cloaking my body. Then the power surges, the intensity, the subtle yet obvious changes in my appearance, my eyes. When in this state, it was not unusual for people or animals to fear me. Petrified, some people would ask me to leave their home - they would talk of a male entity hovering over my head dressed in a black hooded robe. I would simply smile, stare deep into their soul, and leave. He was me and I was him. We were one. When I was 16 years old, I would often visit cemeteries by myself, at night. I would lay down on top of the graves and visualize that this was my space with my name and date. Voices came often. Many times I would be driving in a trance. My movements were so slow, time passed so slowly - but the voices were relentless. "Drive, drive, drive into the wall" over and over again - and as I would start to veer off the road, I would hear a still small voice of a little girl lost inside but still alive. I would then gain consciousness - regroup and continue safely on my way. Other times whenever I felt rejected I would be guided by this voice to slash myself over and over again. Justifiable treatment for not being good enough, not being loved enough. Seeing the blood flow was good, it was necessary and freeing for me. I spent 15 years of my life this way. Falling deeper and deeper into a personal hell - caged by my mind that did not see a way out. I never understood why I became this way, I just knew that I was classified paranoid szoiphenic and that I was headed for a mental institution to spend the rest of my life if I did not die first. The constant panic attacks I experienced where also unbearable. You see, psychiatrists do not believe in demonic possession, they only believe in anti psychotic drugs. I was given so many drugs that there were times when I would wake up blind - only to gain my vision a few hours later. I was later informed that I had been given too many anti psychotics for my body weight. I knew that drugs would not cure my disease - I knew this would, instead, be a way only to numb that which I had not faced. In desperation, my mother heard of a famous allergist by the name of T. Randolph that had pioneering ideas in regards to allergies and the causes of. I became one of his patients where I was made to fast for 5 days with nothing to drink but spring water. Then after the fast they introduced different food group families to me and waited for any possible allergic reactions. Things seem to move rather well with minor reactions to several foods. Then they brought beef. Within one minute I changed drastically. I went from myself, to laughing uncontrollably ,to possession. The only cure they had for reactions were enemas or baking soda with water. How or why my aura opened up more to entity attack when I ate beef, I never really understood. I just knew there was something here for me to explore and understand. I was now l9 years old. I continued to eat beef - the thought of no longer having my companion scared me. He was all I knew. You see, giving up your pain is an extremely hard thing to do. Pain lets you know you still can feel. Pain validates your existence. During these years, however, I still felt the presence of the little girl. I could see her in my mind's eye, and in my drawings - a little girl alone in a room with only the light of a small votive to warm her. It was around this time that I discovered drugs and alcohol. Not just the drugs that the doctors would give me, but illegal drugs. I found great comfort in "downers" and "sleepers". These drugs, in a way, saved me from much self abuse. When I would hear the voices, and feel compelled to slash, I would take the drugs to put me into a safe, voiceless sleep. I found also that when I drank heavily it would make the drugs take affect much quicker. To sleep, was the only peace I knew. I never committed suicide for one reason, and one reason alone. Somewhere deep within me I knew, that this was not the answer. I knew that the pain would not go away - that it would only manifest somewhere else within me no matter where my spirit was. There had to be another way to end this pain, to understand the "why". I came upon a man who talked often about the "Work". He would not tell me the name of his beliefs - he told me instead to go to a bookstore and seek this out, that I would find it. I remember being in the book store pouring over books, looking in the indexes for anything that might be the "Work" of which he spoke. Then one day I found it. I had picked up a book called "P.D. Ouspensky - The Fourth Way". I poured through this book, highlighting everything I could. They spoke of essence, and how one is born "into essence" - that one is not their "false personality". This interested me greatly - the questions flooded my mind: "Did I have to be this way? Did I have a choice?" I found a group, a commune , where several people lived together and tried to bring these beliefs into everyday existence. The group was based on the teachings of G.I. Gurdjieff, a man who saw the necessity to bridge western and eastern belief systems into a working whole. A way in which the average man could bring consciousness into everyday life and not have to meditate up on the hill away from society. This was the beginning of my healing journey - and to this I am much grateful. I stayed with this group for approximately 2 l/2 years but felt the necessity to leave and move on. One day I decided to have my astrology chart done. This woman by the name of Doris told me that I had great power - and that there was a way for me to turn all the hate I felt in the world into great healing power. At the end of the reading she asked if I would like to become part of her group, a group of Wiccans that practiced White Magic. I was amazed that she felt I had positive abilities and decided to join her group. This group that I joined "Haute Hermetics" was another valuable key in my healing. It was here that I learned how to protect myself from entity attack, it was here that I was able to see that I had the powers of visualization and could access the astral planes. This was during my mid-twenties. The last time the entity entered my body was when I was 28 years old. He has not entered since. I still had many unanswered questions, however, and still had to face my alcohol and drug abuse. I had committed myself to a psyche ward a few times in the hopes that I would be able to know and mend the hidden wounded aspects of myself. But to no avail - instead I was only given more drugs. Later I would enter a drug rehab where I would go through my second major drug withdrawal experience which would last for days. I was now approaching my 34th year. I was drug free, alcohol free and was determined to watch my meat intake and live. But still, all the unanswered questions - haunted me, "Why did I have to go through that? What was the purpose in it all. Why?" Then one day, the answer came to me. At the time I had been taking a bubble bath and had gotten up to grab a towel when the vision came. It was as if I was transported in time - back to when I was 12 years old. In the vision I jumped down from a high chair, then walked down a long hallway, and felt something very strange in my clothing. Upon arriving home, I pulled down my underwear and saw something 'yucky' -- I immediately threw my underwear out and told no one. The vision was over. My answer had finally come. When I was l2 years old I had to have 4 permanent teeth pulled as my mouth was quite small. After the extraction of teeth I was to receive braces. I remember the dentist telling me to rinse my mouth out, I remember the nightmare I had while under the laughing gas. I remember jumping down from that high chair and walking down that long hallway to where my mother waited patiently. You see, back in those days the doctors did not have to have anyone else in the room with them. The nurse walked out, the door was then shut and the laughing gas administered. I had been raped. Thank God, I finally had closure - the final end of the chapter, the book could now be closed. Or could it? What about that entity, why him, who was he - and why did he come? Through dreams and meditations those answers would soon be answered also. It seemed that I had known this person in a past life, he was a powerful black magician who had once controlled me in a past life. Unresolved karma that had to be faced in this life. I am now 44 years old and clinically sane. I am a survivor in many ways. I am a complete person filled with light and hope and knowledge that all and everything has a purpose. There is a higher purpose behind our pain. Our experiences in life, our sorrows and fears pull us deeper and deeper within - to where our center can be found. If I had not gone through my ordeals, I would not have become the person I am today. Deep within the recesses of myself I discovered Soul. The small girl within that kept vigil over that votive candle - would later turn out to be a woman filled with the flame of Spirit.