DISLAIMER: It's quite safe to say that Paramount doesn't own THESE characters, but what the hey! It's all Paramount's. Characters, ship, whatever. And, if they want the story, they can have it for free!
EDITOR'S NOTE: This is extremely silly. Extremely. Beyond belief. Just a note of warning - do not take this seriously. I don't REALLY want to be committed any time soon (though the idea does have some merit). ;-)
Tuvok the Purple Vulcan
by Surel and Harley
edited by Harley
Tuvok donned his meditation robes and stared into the flame. He folded his hands and started the ancient meditation chant, "Logic is the foundation of control and control is the foundation of logic." But, he just couldn't reach his center.
He looked away from the lamp and out the window, where he saw the reddish planet Voyager had been orbiting for almost a week. it reminded him of his home planet, Vulcan. Ah, Vulcan. He missed it.
Missed it! What? Was he experiencing emotion? Tuvok hopped up and ran to his bathroom. He quickly splashed some cold water on his face, in hopes that it would clear his senses. Unfortunately, all it did was make his skin turn purple. Tuvok frowned, and raced to sickbay, where he found the Doctor hunched over a pile of PADDs, looking rather distressed.
Breathing heavly, Tuvok approached the Doc and said, "Darling! I have just come to realize the depths of my feelings for you! You HAVE to . . . !"
He was cut off as the Doctor stomped out of the room, seemingly unaware of the irrational Vulcan standing in th middle of his sickbay.
Tuvok ran to a biobed and embraced it, continuing to sing praises. "Oh, my love!" he said, getting more and more out of character as things went on. "You can't imagine how I've missed you!"
B'Elanna, hearing the commotion in sickbay, wandered in. She halfheartedly tried to pull Tuvok off of the biobed until a hypospray caught her eye, and she made a grab for it. "Gotcha!" she yelled. Holding the nice shiny hypospray in a trembling hand, she wandered back out the sickbay door and off to some remote corner of the ship.
Meanwhile, Tuvok had had a disagreement with the biobed and was shaking it. "I am going to eat you," he yelped.
The biobed had to disagree with that statement. It reared up on its hind legs and stomped on Tuvok, only to get stopped by Tom, who had just come in for his shift. "Oh, no you don't!" Tom said. "Captain Proton to the, er, rescue"
Tuvok, having escaped from the biobed, dashed out the door to leave Tom to fight the angry thing. Tom picked up a bat'leth - what was that doing here, he wondered? He glared at the bat'leth. Damn, someone had to have left it here! The biobed glared at Tom.
Tom glared back and swund the bat'leth in a little circle. The biobed growled and cowered against the wall. Just as Tom was about to go in for the kill, the biobed lurched away from the wall and grabbed the bat'leth away from him.
Screaming, Tom ran out of sickbay, only to find B'Elanna standing in the middle of the corridor talking to the celing. Confused, and quite afraid by this point, Tom grabbed her by the arms and swung her away from the ceiling. "I told you ten thousand times," he said. "You're only supposed to talk to floors or else Dr. Chaotica gets very mad."
B'Elanna whined at Tom for not letting her talk to her friend. Then, she pulled out the hypospray that she had pounced on earlier and pushed at Tom with it. Accidentally, she injected him with a Bolian horomone suppressant.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, Captain Janeway sat on the bridge and tried to ascertain why exactly her coffee was making faces at her. She supposed it was because she had drank all of its relatives earlier in the day. She shrugged and downed the last of her cup. Then she stood up and walked over to Neelix, who manned the security station. "Report, Admiral!" she said.
Neelix did a backflip and responded, "We seem to have intruders on the northern continent, Lieutenanat. Orders?"
Janeway seemed to have forgotten - for the time being - about Neelix and was investigating the viewscreen which was prominently displaying Harry in a passionate embrace with Captain Tal Celes of the Starship Munchkins. "Oooooh!" Janeway said. She touched the viewscreen, but hurriedly backed away when the viewscreen yelled at her for waking it up.
She scurried over to the turbolift and told it to take her to her quarters, on Deck 9, Section 12.
* * * * *
While she was riding the turbolift, Tom and B'Elanna decided to take a stroll through Engineering. Looking at the pretty plasma, they laid out a picnic blanket and had heart of targ and some freshly caught gagh.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, Naomi Wildman was getting scared. Had she seen Lieutenant Paris fighting a walking biobed with a bat'leth? And Lieutenant Commander Tuvok was purple. It was time to get some answers. She donned her detective's cap and grabbed her magnifying glass and stalked out of her quarters, only to bump into Seven the Borg.
Seven was wearing a pig polka-dot skirt and a plaid shirt and was licking a giant lolly-pop.
Naomi looked at her and decided that this would be a good place to start. She grabbed her detective's notebook and was about to begin asking questions when Tuvok arrived. He was muttering his breath, "I will kill the evil snakes of the southern continent!" He started laughing madly and tried to bite Naomi.
Naomi, taking this as a hostile action, ran down the hall yelling. She was stopped when Commander Chakotay grabbed her arm and whispered for her to be quiet. Apparently, he was hunting a wild mammoth.
Chakotay dragged her down the hall, and they fell into a turbolift occupied by Captain "Lieutenant" Janeway, who had her thumb in her mouth and was crouching on the ceiling. Naomi tried to get her to come down from her perch, but to no avail.
Then, Naomi figured she should go down to Engineering to figure out what was happening. She asked the computer to take her there. The computer responded, "Engineering does not exist. Please restate the question."
Naomi shuddered at the thought - no Engineering? Where WAS she? This couldn't be right!
Her thought was cut short as the ware core began to glow more and more brightly. Tom and B'Elanna ran off and she ws left alone in Engineering and it was very strange, because just two seconds before she had been in a turbolift and had been told there was no Engineering!
She HAD to get to the bottom of this - and the senior staff was being no help. "Computer," she said, "what the hell is going on?"
The computer, surprisingly helpful, responded, "This is not Voyager. This is the Regayov, starship of the Federation of United Planets. The current heading is 9000234444456.4."
Naomi weas quite surprised. Something ws definately wrong here. It might be a dream. She pinched herself.
Ouch! No, not a dream.
The only other possibility was that it was some kind of alternate universe. That would make sense. She had read about those in her classes with Doc - something about very odd occurrences that were seemingly unexplainable - yes, this really did fit that category. So, she had to find a way out.
The warp core! That was the key! It must be!
It had started glowing, so it had to be the key. And, what the heck - she didn't want to stay here!
So, she took a running jump and hopped into the warp core and bounced off it.
It hadn't worked!
Then she realized she was on her Voyager after all! It had worked!
She looked up. There was Lieutenant Torres, looking incredibly mad. "What in the name of Kahless are you trying to do, Naomi!? Trying to get yourself killed?!" Naomi sighed. Yup. Things were quite back to normal. Though, she hoped she would never forget about Tom and the biobed. That had been quite amusing.
Naomi wandered back to her quarters and went to sleep, as it was almost 2300 hours. As she was falling asleep, she thought she saw a purple Vulcan run throught her quarters, being chased by a tiny mammoth.
She must have been mistaken.
*END!*