Paramount owns all things Trek. I am just borrowing their Characters. Don't worry, I'll return them unscathed. And Paramount if you try to sue me anyway, don't bother I'm broke. Please give me feedback, and don't distribute my story without my permission.
Rating: PG
Fears
by Theresa Raffaele
Tom had just gotten off his duty shift, and was heading for the turbo lift when Harry caught up with him. "Hey Tom wait up." Tom paused enough for Harry to catch up with him and they both started toward the lift. Harry and Tom both said, "Deck two."
"Do you want to go to the mess hall and see who is the first one of us who can choke down all of whatever Neelix has concocted? I'll bet you a ration I can eat the whole thing before you can." Just as the turbo lift door opened to deck two, Tom said "Maybe some other time Harry, I have to get ready for my date with B'Elanna."
With that Tom and Harry went to step out of the lift, but as Tom looked up he saw the object of his comment and affection standing in front of the turbo lift waiting to get on. Tom was nervous for a second, but then said "Hey B'Elanna, I thought you were still on duty, our date isn't for another hour."
Apparently he didn't notice the annoyed look on B'Elanna's face when he stepped out of the turbo lift, but he did notice that B'Elanna got really angry for a second before she composed herself. Harry noticed as well and awkwardly excused himself.
"I am still on duty, Tom" B'Elanna said through her teeth, trying hard to keep her composure. "I am heading to the bridge to work from the Engineering station there until the end of my shift in a half hour."
"Okay, I'll go with you."
"No, you just came from there, I can get there on my own."
"No really, I want to. You don't have to be so touchy."
"Fine."
They both stepped into the turbo lift and the doors had barely shut when Tom said, "Okay, what did I do now?"
"I don't know what you're talking about."
"Yeah, right, you were glaring at me when I got out of the turbo lift. Now I want to know what the deal is before things get worse."
"Computer halt turbo lift. Alright fine Tom, it's been a really crappy day, I'm just a little stressed. And besides, I thought we agreed to keep our relationship quiet."
"Is that it? I thought it would be okay for me to just tell Harry, since he's one of our best friends. Sorry. I didn't know it would upset you if he knew."
"I guess it's okay if he knows, but I heard what you said when the turbo lift opened, what if it had been someone besides me standing there?"
"I'm sorry I guess I didn't think of that, but does it really bother you that much for people to know that we are dating?"
"I thought we already went over this. I am just a private person that's all."
"You're more than just private, you're paranoid", he said with growing irritation, "this is getting ridiculous, we can't even go to the holodeck together for our dates, I have to meet you there. What are you so afraid of?"
"I am not afraid!" She yelled
"Then what is going on?"
"Nothing Tom, I already told you, I'm just a private person, I don't have time to deal with this. Computer resume."
"Fine, but we are going to talk about this some time later."
"There's nothing to talk about" She said as she stepped onto the bridge and left Tom in the turbo lift.
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Tom sat in his quarters and sighed. He had wanted his date with B'Elanna to be relaxing and light-hearted, but their argument in the turbo lift had all but guaranteed that this night was going to be stressful. He had dressed in some comfortable civvies and waited for B'Elanna to arrive. He had suggested that they eat in the mess hall before going to the holodeck, but she had declined, not wanting people to get the "wrong idea". What the hell did she mean the "wrong idea"? If the people who saw them assumed that they were dating, then they would be right. And besides, they had had dinner together in public a thousand times before they were together and she wasn't so paranoid about what people would think. This was confusing. As if figuring B'Ellana out was something that was simple in the first place.
So he was there waiting for her in his quarters where they would eat. "I bet she will check the hall ten times to make sure no one sees her coming into my quarters", he thought bitterly. He sighed again. What the hell is going on? Is she ashamed of dating me? A shot of pain went through his heart at that thought, and her tried to throw it out, but he couldn't think of any other reason why she would be so adamant about keeping their relationship a secret. So he would do the only thing he knew how to do. He would call her on the com; it was ten minutes before she was due to show up to his quarters. He knew that if she arrived there that he would not be able to control his emotions, there was too much to think about, so he sighed once more and tapped his badge. "Paris to Torres"
"I'll be right there Tom, hold your horses."
"That's what I'm calling about, we've both had a stressful day, would it be alright if I could cancel for tonight?"
"Is something wrong Tom?"
"I don't know B'Elanna, I just need some time to relax and be alone. How about if I see you at breakfast?"
"Okay Tom, I guess if that's what you want to do, but you need to let me know a little sooner next time if you want to cancel a date."
"I know I'm sorry, I'll see you later B'Elanna." "Okay, bye Tom" B'Elanna said uncertainly.
B'Elanna just stood there by the door to her quarters. Where she had been just about ready to walk out when Tom had called. What was wrong? Tom had seemed irritated earlier about her keeping their relationship a secret. But she wasn't sure exactly what he was thinking and that could be very dangerous. She had to find out specifically what was bothering him. But she knew she would have to wait. He wanted some thinking time, and she knew she had hurt him. She just really needed to tell him why she was so hesitant about revealing the nature of their relationship. The thing is, she didn't exactly know why. Maybe she needed some time to think as well. But she couldn't think here in her quarters. She needed to go to engineering, to that corner in the upper level where she always went to think. So she changed into her uniform, replicated some raktajino, and headed for her thinking place.
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Tom was sitting in his quarters with his head in his hands, when he realized that he still had the holodeck reserved for his date with B'Elanna. So he got up and headed to holodeck 2. He ran the Sandrines program. With no other holocharacters except Sandrine. He engaged the privacy lock and sat down at the bar. He knew with Sandrine he could get right to the point, so he looked up and she handed him his usual thinking drink, ice water. And sat down next to him with her arms crossed waiting for him to spill whatever was on his mind.
He looked up and said, "I think B'Elanna is ashamed to be seen with me."
"What makes you say that?"
"Well, she doesn't want anyone to know that we are dating. And when we are together in public she is really distant and casual like she doesn't really care that much for me. And then she heard me tell Harry that she and I had a date tonight and got angry with me."
"I hate to tell you this Tom, but I think you may be right. But not for the reasons that you are thinking. She's not doing this because she's using you, and not because she's ashamed of your past. My guess is that there is something about herself that she is afraid of. Ridicule, or pain maybe. Maybe she is afraid that you don't love her and if people know that you are dating than she will look like the fool if you blow her off sooner or later."
"But I wouldn't do that, I have loved her from day one and I have told her so in no uncertain terms. I have done everything I possibly know how to do to tell her and show her what's in my heart. I don't think she is afraid of me breaking up with her. I think you are right about her being afraid of ridicule. She hates to be made fun of. I guess she thinks that if people knew, then they would make fun of her for going out with a loser like me."
"Now Tom, don't get yourself worked up. You are right about the fact that you are guessing what she is thinking. You don't know the truth right now. Why don't you go and talk to her, tell her what you told me. Tell her what your fears are. Pour your heart out. You did it just a few weeks ago and look where it got you. You are in a relationship with the love of your life. It's worth it Tom. Go and save your love life. And come back and tell me how it goes. You're never going to get any answers sitting in here with me. You have to ask B'Elanna."
"She said she doesn't want to talk about it."
"Well trying to talk to her about it is a lot less dangerous than letting your mind run on warp 10, and coming up the very worst scenario possible. Now get out of my bar, and go see about your girl."
"Okay, thanks San, I appreciate you listening. Computer end program."
With that Tom walked out of the holodeck, and release the remaining time that he had had reserved.
He didn't go to B'Elanna right away, he agreed that he had to talk to her, but he had a lot more thinking to do as to what he would say. He was also afraid that she was angry with him for revealing and then canceling their date. So Tom just went back to his quarters and lay down on top of his bed with his clothes on, and his arm resting on his forehead.
He was trying to think. Trying to figure out what to do and where to start. "I guess first things first." He said aloud. He had an idea as to how to tell B'Elanna all that he needed to say. It wasn't exactly his style, but this was important and he needed to know the truth. So he took a deep breath and walked over to his message console. He sat down and began to write a letter to B'Elanna.
Dear B'Elanna,
I know that this is not really my style, but I thought that this was the best way to tell you exactly what is on my mind without interruption, and without getting frustrated. First of all I want to tell you that I am sorry for canceling our date, and making you angry with me earlier. I didn't mean to upset you. But the truth is, I was upset, and I still am. But more than that I am confused. We used to have such a great friendship. We went everywhere together, and had dinner in the mess hall with everyone around, and you didn't worry about what people thought. We were good together. But then came the Day of Honor, and you told me you loved me. And I thought my heart was going to beat right of that damned environmental suit. And I cursed that suit and those helmets, because it stopped me from touching you. I wanted so much to touch you at that moment. As shocked as I was I wanted to kiss you like I did three days later. And then it was three days later, and I did kiss you, and we took the oath and became mates, and I put all my heart into making you feel the love that I have for you. I thought that it was pretty much obvious to everyone else that this was the next step in our relationship. They saw our friendship progress right before their eyes. But ever since the doctor walked out and interrupted the kiss we shared in the corridor you seem to be embarrassed to be seen with me. I can understand being afraid of being caught in a compromising position, but you won't even let me hold your hand in the hallways. You won't even walk into the holodeck with me. And you won't let me kiss you at your door after our dates if we aren't spending the night together. I am going to be honest B'Ellana, I am very hurt. I want my friend back. Is it really such an embarrassment to you for people to know that you are dating Tom Paris? If you are going to be ashamed to be seen with me, then why did you tell me you loved me? Why in the hell did you even agree to become my mate? What good is it for us to be mates if no one knows that we are even together? And on that note I only have to say, that everyone would have to be deaf, and blind to not know that you and I are together. So I don't know what you are hiding. I am trying to tell myself that you didn't lie to me when you said you loved me. But I don't have a lot to go on. You won't talk to me about this, and I really feel like if you really loved me you wouldn't want to hide it from the others. What if someone asked if you and I were together, would you deny it? Would you laugh and say that we are good friends, but you would never consider dishonoring yourself with a man with my past? If none of this is the truth, than please clarify it for me. I don't want to think this way. I don't want to feel this way. I love you B'Ellana, you are my mate. All I want is for you to stop running away from whatever it is that you are afraid of. Stop running from your fear, and come back to me. I miss you, I miss my friend, I miss my B'Elanna.
I love you,
Tom
Tom took another deep breath and hit the send button on the panel quickly before he could change his mind. Then he went to bed to try to get some sleep. He and B'Elanna were both off work tomorrow and he hoped that there would be a response to his letter by morning.
====================================================
B'Elanna was too tired to think anymore. Very few people had seen her in the upper level of Engineering running all the unnecessary and meaningless diagnostics she could think of. She had thought and thought until her head ached. And not one moment of thought was spent on being ashamed of Tom as he had guessed. But all of the moments were spent on being ashamed of herself. She loved Tom, and she was afraid of losing him to her insecurities. When would they quit with all the misunderstandings and fears that plagued both of them? She didn't know. But she did know that if she didn't resolve this soon with Tom, he would get fed up, and have to walk away from her, despite the fact that they are mates. With that thought she reached up and touched her face where he had bit her. She had to go to him and talk to him about this now; if she didn't neither of them would have a moment's peace. She descended down the lift in Engineering to the lower floor and headed for her quarters to freshen up before she went to Tom.
As she entered her quarters she saw the message light blinking on her console. She went over to it and sat down. She swallowed hard and pressed the button to bring up the letter. She sat there with a stoic expression on her face, as she read the emotion filled words of her lover. When she finished reading the letter, she realized that there were tears on her face. She quickly wiped them with her hand, and got up and went to the bathroom. She showered and got into some civvies. It was pretty late by now, but she had to go to Tom, before things got too damaged to fix. She knew what it was like to feel like her mate didn't love her. She and Tom had gone through this just a few weeks ago. She cursed herself for making him feel this way, downloaded a copy of the letter onto a pad and then deleted it off the console. She read it one more time and then headed out the door.
=====================================================
Tom had finally fallen into a light and troubled sleep when he heard the door chime sound. He got up and answered the door. The look on his face said that he was not a little surprised to see B'Elanna standing in the hallway.
"Can I come in?" She said with her eyes cast down.
"Sure." He said in almost a whisper. "What can I do for you?"
"You can talk to me. That's what you can do for me."
"You told me you didn't want to talk about it."
"I know I said that, but that was before I got your letter. I'm sorry Tom, I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I know you said that you want to be alone, but I couldn't just ignore this letter until morning." With that she held up the pad.
Tom raised his eyes to see if she was angry with him at all. And all he saw on her face was regret and sorrow. "It's okay, Sweetheart, we can talk about this now." He said gently. "I think I said everything that I needed to say in the letter."
He sat down on the couch and stared at the floor. She sat down next to him and put the pad on the table. She also stared at the floor, and slowly began to speak.
"You're right I am afraid, maybe even paranoid." She paused and looked at him, but he was still staring at the floor. She reached out and raised his face to look at her. "I am NOT ashamed to be seen with you, you have more honor than anyone I know." She said as she caressed his cheek with her thumb.
"Then what's going on B'Elanna?" He said in a choked up voice.
She dropped her hand and said, "This is difficult for me to admit, but I've never had anyone care for me like you do. All of the other relationships I have had have been very short because the person I was dating was constantly badgered and made fun of for going out with the Klingon/Human half breed. I know that people on this ship don't give a damn about my parentage. But I was Maquis, and let's face it my disposition isn't exactly conducive to having a huge amount of friends. I just didn't want you to be ridiculed, and made fun of for being my mate."
She paused and looked down again. And then she continued in almost a whisper. " There's only so much a person can take, even you Tom Paris. I didn't want you to walk away from me because you couldn't handle the ridicule. Please don't think that I was lying when I said I love you. Please don't think that I don't really want to be with you. I do. I hate keeping us a secret. I am just afraid." She sighed "This is so hard to admit."
This time Tom looked up at her.
"B'Elanna, there is no way I would ever walk away from you. You have to get over this fear of being left. It stops right now. I mate for life. And you are my mate. If anyone says anything even remotely negative about you, they will have to deal with me!"
"I know Tom, I know that you would defend me. My feelings about this have nothing to do with you and your character. It has to do with me. I've tried so hard to let go of the insecurities that I have had since I was a child, but I am sick of learning the hard way. I have to go by my experience, I just don't know how else to be. I'm sorry."
"What are you saying B'Elanna?" He said not liking the direction this was going.
B'Elanna took his hand and squeezed it a little. "Don't be afraid, I'm not walking away, and I am not saying I am going to continue to keep us a secret. I am saying that I need you to help me. I can't change this part of me on my own. Will you help me? Will you forgive me for hurting you? Will you forgive me for making you feel like I don't love you? I do love you Tom, I do. I'm so sorry."
With that B'Elanna's tears began to fall, and Tom took her in his arms. "Yes sweetheart, I forgive you, and I believe you." He looked down into her face and sighed, "I am so relieved! Tell me you love me, tell me you are still mine", he cried as he clung to her.
"I love you Tom, I am not ashamed of you. And I will always be yours."
==================================================
"THE TIME IS 0800, THE TIME IS 0800, THE TIME IS 0800." The computer announced. And Tom and B'Ellana both groaned. They had stayed up until 0400. Talking and then eventually making love.
"Sorry, sweetheart, I forgot to shut off the alarm. Computer end alarm. Now we can go back to sleep."
"No Tom, actually I have to get back to my quarters. Don't you even try to look at me that way. I am not trying to sneak over there before anyone can know that you and I spent the night in here together. I don't have anything to change into here. If you like you can come back to my quarters with me. And wash my back. Then we can go to the mess hall and sit at the table in the center of the room, and kiss right in the middle of lunch." She said suggestively.
"My pleasure!" He said, and quickly got up to get dressed. As the covers slid off of his body revealing his nude form, B'Elanna's eyes glazed over with love and desire. And she walked over to him and put her arms around his waist. Then she kissed him, and swept is feet out from under him so that he fell back onto the bed.
"Hey I thought we were going to your quarters." He laughed.
"Change of plans, flyboy."
*END*
(The rest is up to your imagination. And if your imagination is as vivid as mine is, you will need to get up from your computer and take a cold shower.)
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