DISCLAIMER: I'm not really sure that Paramount would want it, but it's theirs!
CODES: P/T, J/Michael, J/Doc, J/Tuv, Tuv/N, J/C, K/7, 7/N, 7/Doc (I think that's everybody!)
RATING: R.
EXPLANATION: This stems from a recent (unseen) promo for "Spirit Folk," in which it is rumored that Ensign Harry Kim kisses a cow. So, mental images got out of hand and Surel and I started hypothesizing. Then we learned that Harry might be getting a promotion later this season. One typo later, we were off! (That would be something like ROTLF, which morphed into Rolling on the laughing floor . . . I don't know)
This . . . is the final result of our two-hour collaboration. Read at your own risk. And not in class, please . . . !
Harry the Cow, and Other Stories
A Voyager Parody
by Surel and Harley
edited by Harley
Newly promoted, Harry the Cow is rolling on the laughing floor. He watches as Janeway the Coffee Addict explains her problem to her ex-boyfriend, Tattoo the Wilderness Man. "My boyfriend is malfunctioning!" she hisses.
"I beg your pardon?" Tattoo asks.
Janeway clarifies. "You know, like Bob Dole - he used to advertise erectile dysfunction in the late 1990s. My Bob - he's malfunctioning."
Tattoo nods slowly.
"I know!" shouts Janeway, quieting the bridge. "You could make me some holographic children!" Tattoo pales. Tuvok the Ear-y One sits back and meditates.
Meanwhile, in the holodeck, Tom the One Who Always Gets Hit On the Head and B'Elanna the Warrior Woman are enjoying some quality time together on a deserted cliff overlooking the ocean. They are totally unaware of the beautiful scene or of Seven the Borg.
Seven the Borg is enjoying this chance to study human mating rituals from her perch in the "deserted" lighthouse above Tom and B'Elanna. Seven thinks about Doctor the Hologram, who is a very good teacher of human mating behavior, and about his lesson for the day: picking up members of the male gender. She ponders this idea. Picking them up with what?
Neelix the Very Bad Chef is asking a local chef for more disgusting recipes, not having a clue what is going on elsewhere. But, when he finds out, he'll put it on "A Briefing with Neelix" as the lead story and Tom and B'Elanna will kill him.
Harry kills himself, realizing that life as a cow isn't very good. But, Seven resuscitates him with her nanoprobes, realizing that she loves him and not Doctor. Maybe this is one way to pick up members of the male gender!
But Doctor is so distraught he fiddles with his programming. In the course of doing this, he accidentally merges with Bob's physical and romantic subroutines. So, Janeway now has to deal with DoctorBob, who is madly in love with her, yet tries to get her to visit sickbay and check out his equipment.
Meanwhile, Seven goes berserk because she hasn't completed her lessons for the day. So, she goes after Janeway and asks her to explain what Harry means when he says that there has to be real feelings involved before "picking up" may occur. But Janeway is too busy dealing with DoctorBob to notice.
So, Seven tries to ask B'Elanna, who promptly goes into a Klingon rage. Tom tries to break up the fighting and is pushed over the holographic cliff. Unfortunately, the safeties seem to be malfunctioning, so Tom hits the water with a great deal of force. He has acquired yet another head injury, but is not dead. So, with a Klingon war cry, B'Elanna jumps in after him.
This leaves Seven still without advice, so she goes to the only halfway-sane person on the ship: Naomi the Subunit of Wildman.
"Naomi, why doesn't Harry like me?"
"All boys have cooties and they aren't worth your time! Would you like to play Kadis-Kot?"
"That would be an efficient use of time, and could help take my mind off of Harry."
They go to the messhall.
Neelix, though, approaches Seven and tells her that he has always thought she was very beautiful. Seven has no clue what he is up to and responds:
"Mister NEELIX! How dare you insult me? You're a hedgehog!" And then she realizes that she has lost her emotional center and runs off to Tuvok, who is still meditating in some remote corner of the holodeck.
She approaches Tuvok, who is muttering, "I am in control. I am in control."
Of course, he isn't. So, when Seven approaches, he grabs her around the waist and throws her over the cliff, where she lands on top of Tom and B'Elanna.
Tuvok, who has no control whatsoever, dives in after her. All four of them end up in one heap on the shore and curses can be heard . . . .
So, Tom has a concussion, Tuvok has finally started the pon farr after a remarkably long seven years - almost nine, they say, and then there are B'Elanna and Seven.
B'Elanna and Seven get into a catfight because each thinks the other is after their man. Tuvok ignores this (neither of them are worth getting emotional over, after all!) and goes off after Janeway, leaving Tom to watch Seven and B'Elanna rip each other to shreds. He finally passes out as Klingon curses and "that is illogical"s echo.
Tuvok looks for Janeway, who is still checking out DoctorBob in sickbay. She, for some reason, hasn't figured out that Bob is really Doctor (hence DoctorBob), so when Tuvok walks into the room, she accosts him with a tricorder, asking him to make sure Doctor is feeling all right.
Tuvok has the pon farr, so he ignores her and reaches for her face to bond with her. Janeway, though, realizes that something is wrong and asks the computer to start Doctor's program. But, since the program is already on, the computer can't comply.
At this point, DoctorBob lunges towards her and topples into Tuvok. Tuvok, not really knowing what is going on, grabs DoctorBob's face. He is incredibly confused because DoctorBob doesn't seem to have a "mind." He jumps up just as Tom and B'Elanna walk in.
Meanwhile, poor Harry, newly resurrected, is looking for anyone to explain what the hell just happened to him. He bumps into Neelix, who is frantically searching.
"Oh, hello Ensi-Lieutenant."
"Neelix! Maybe YOU can help me! I'm desperate!"
"I'll show you desperate, Cow-boy! I HAVE to find her! The love of my life! SEVEN!"
So, they both go looking for Seven, though for different reasons.
Seven has been beaten to a pulp and abandoned by Tom and B'Elanna. She staggers towards sickbay. There, she runs into Tattoo, who has come looking for Janeway.
Soon, all of the senior crew is in sickbay, watching as Tuvok and DoctorBob try to grab Janeway. Frightened, Janeway flees from sickbay as both men and the remainder of the senior staff follow.
They thunder down the hall, trampling an ensign on the way. He dies on the spot, but no one cares. Janeway leads the way to the turbolift and they all cram inside.
So, we have Tuvok, DoctorBob, Seven, and Tattoo going after Janeway. B'Elanna, Harry, and Neelix are going after Seven. Tom has a concussion. Janeway, though, just wants to know what the hell is going on. All she wants it a quiet moment with Bob.
However, she is not about to get it.
Tuvok reaches for her again to try to initiate the mating bond, but DoctorBob throws himself in the way with a shout of, "Don't TOUCH my WOMAN!"
Seven turns to Tattoo, again demanding an explanation for human mating behavior. Tattoo, though, is infuriated with Tuvok and DoctorBob, so he ignores Seven and throws himself at Tuvok and DoctorBob.
This leaves Seven standing next to Neelix, who is holding her waist, trying to get her to notice him for once. Unfortunately for him, she is more interested in other things at the present.
At that moment, the turbolift doors open and Janeway leads the parade down the corridor and into Engineering.
B'Elanna, sick and tired of all this love triangle (or larger) junk, pulls Tom onto a console with a Klingon war cry that echoes through the uncaring room. But, Tom has a concussion, so he passes out in her arms. B'Elanna is not happy.
Janeway, trying to get away from the ruckus, pulls DoctorBob aside and leads him up the stairs to the upper Engineering level. Tuvok, realizing what is happening, tries to follow, but trips over an engineer who is trying to talk to B'Elanna because there was a ruptured plasma conduit.
Neelix, seeing his advantage, grabs Seven.
Harry gets insulted by this and tries to attack Neelix, only to trip over Tuvok. Tuvok, using his Vulcan strength, throws Harry across Engineering and follows Janeway up to the upper level, where he deletes DoctorBob.
Tom awakens and sees this, and starts moaning that Janeway will be taking him away from the helm to work in sickbay and that Harry absolutely HAS to create a new Doctor.
B'Elanna shuts him up by kissing him.
"Shh!"
"Mmmph."
"Mmm . . . Tom."
"The . . .mm . . .Doctor! We . . . hmm . . . have to fix him!"
"Hmm?"
"Fix . . . hmm . . . the . . . mmm . .. Doctor!"
So, since Tom is mumbling into her mouth, B'Elanna restarts DoctorBob from the console that they are lying on.
Tuvok, still in a rage, declares kun-ut-kal-if-fee.
Harry, whose neck was broken when Tuvok threw him across the room, moans and dies again. But, Seven comes to realize that she understands those "true feelings" that they had been discussing, so she "restarts" Harry! He wakes up and looks up at her and sees that she understands. He passes out again.
Tattoo has started fighting Tuvok because Janeway is, after all, his woman! (Or was, back on the Monkey Planet, but Tattoo doesn't discriminate.) Realizing that his fair maiden's honor is at stake, DoctorBob joins the fray. He knocks down Tattoo and goes for Tuvok, but Tuvok has had his pon farr resolved from all this fighting.
Janeway deletes DoctorBob with a concise, "Computer, delete my boyfriend," prompting a cry from Tom, and then stalks off to find some coffee. She leaves Tuvok and Tattoo to sort out their differences.
When talking doesn't work, Tuvok uses a Vulcan nerve pinch and Tattoo collapses over a console.
Realizing that Tom is awake, B'Elanna starts making out with him over the console. It beeps, but they pay no mind as they tumble to the floor.
Meanwhile, Harry and Seven walk out of Engineering together, towards the holodeck. Of course, this is where the whole disaster got started in the first place (excluding the laughing floor on the bridge), but they forget that.
Neelix tries to pry Tom and B'Elanna apart so someone can help Tattoo, but B'Elanna won't let that happen. So, Neelix tries to find Tuvok, who has disappeared for the moment.
Janeway, meanwhile, has attacked the nearest replicator and ordered a super-size coffee. She drinks it down in one gulp, and feeling re-energized she goes to help in Engineering. Stumbling over Tom and B'Elanna, who have made it to the floor, she bids them well and dims the lights in the room. She drags Tattoo out of the room with Neelix following chattering away about the whole encounter . . . .
And so it ends:
Tom and B'Elanna weren't, for some reason or another, put on report for indecent exposure in Engineering. Probably because now that Doctor AND Bob have been deleted, Tom has to work in sickbay. Moans can be heard around the ship as Tom bangs his head into innumerable consoles.
B'Elanna tries to comfort him but they just end up in another incredibly long, convoluted love scene . . . off to the NC-17 fanfiction! We'll just leave them to their devices. Well, the word choice could be better but the idea remains the same!
Harry will probably create a new Doctor after he gets finished with Seven. They've found this nice holographic cliff in the program, and it's right next to some grass so Harry (a cow, you know) can eat and . . . be social (wink) at the same time.
Seven now understands the true meaning of feelings after witnessing Janeway's quest for a real man. She has learned that while holograms like Doctor are good for a little fun, when it comes down to the real thing, Tom and B'Elanna have it just right. So, she's staying with Harry.
Tuvok is still meditating. He's doing this to calm himself, yes, but mostly to avoid the advances of Neelix the Very Bad Chef, who has decided that it's the ears that count. After all, Kes the Now Dead One had interesting ears and telepathic abilities. Maybe the attraction goes hand in hand.
DoctorBob has been deleted.
Tattoo and Janeway have found that the couch in the ready room is very comfortable. Tattoo, who will be changing his name to Chakotay at the earliest possible time, will be taking his revenge on Tuvok - after the pain of the nerve pinch wears off.
Janeway . . . Janeway has finally come to a realization. Holograms are not real people and should not be messed with. Bob was fun until he malfunctioned, at which point things just got very messy. Since she had to deal with his emotional distress at his malfunction (and she had disallowed any further manipulation of the program), she learned that holograms are just as bad as real people.
And, if Tattoo is any indication, real people are much more fun . . . .
END!