THE LIBRARY AT MARIANAT

Scene Eight

Another part of the mountains. A very weary MILLIAMA, DEEDELUS, SOMA and MAXIMUSH stagger on from the left. MAXIMUSH I can’t go a step further. I’m not used to being beaten. By anyone not in leather.

SOMA

Ain’t gone this long without funga since I was four.

DEEDELUS

But they said the Library was just over the ridge. In Shreaneck.

MILLIAMA

If it’s in schluckin’ Shreaneck, then why is it called the Library at Marianat?

MAXIMUSH

One learns in science to be careful of labels.

MILLIAMA

Man, that’s all science is---one schlittin’ label after another.

SOMA

You gonna have to schluckin’ go on without me.

MAXIMUSH

(to Deedelus)
What if we sit here and rest for awhile? Come, dear boy, you sit here next to me. (MILLIAMA immediately pushes her way to Maximush’s side which does not please him for one second. DEEDELUS sits next to her. A moment of silence. Then we hear a distant voice singing.) ACULEUS’ VOICE

Have you ever felt low, boy?
Just as low as you can go, boy?
That's when you long for
Wonderful funga!

DEEDELUS

Someone’s singing our song.

(SOMA immediately sits up, cannot believe his ears.)

ANTARES’ VOICE

Have you ever felt quashed, boy?
Like your balls have both been squashed, boy?
Then you gotta have some
Wonderful funga!! (ACULEUS and ANTARES enter from the right. THEY are around Soma’s age, pleasant and clean-cut. BOTH are wheeling what looks like an ice cream cart with FUNGA in great black letters and a drawing of a surrealistic ice cream bar. Underneath 16,000 is written with a symbol which looks like a combination dollar and pound sign.)

ACULEUS & ANTARES

When you feel handcuffs have been clapped on you
And you're in a shluckin' vice---
When the universe has crapped on you
Only funga will suffice.
You're growing stronger,
You're growing younger
When you satisfy your hunger
For wonderful funga!
Wonderful, fabulous, schluckin'
Funga!

Get your Funga! Wonderful, fabulous funga!

SOMA

(leaping to his feet in disbelief)
Out here in the schluckin’ wilderness?!

ACULEUS

What d’ya mean schluckin’ wilderness? The hills are alive with Feasters, Beasters and Killer Pandas.

DEEDELUS

They take funga, too?

ANTARES

How do you think they do what they do? (SOMA is by the cart now, proffering some coins. MILLIAMA is behind him. A curious DEEDELUS is a few yards away.) ACULEUS What flavor?

SOMA

Man, I don’t give a schlit. Any flavor---just gimme.

MILLIAMA

I’ll take dogwood.

DEEDELUS

16,000 zotzkas? That’s an awful lot of zotzkas.

MAXIMUSH

I do not approve of this at all, you know. Don’t you read the statistics about the consumption of funga?

SOMA

Schluck statistics.

MAXIMUSH

You schluck statistics and you put 80% of the world’s population out of business.
(to Antares)
I’m a doctor. Give me two.

SOMA

(to Deedelus)
What about you, man?

DEEDELUS

I don’t have those kind of zotzkas. I’m living off the zotzkas my mother left me.

MAXIMUSH

I’m a doctor. Don’t worry about the zotzkas.
(to Antares)
I’ll take a third for my friend here. (ACULEUS and ANTARES begin to push the cart offstage.) MAXIMUSH (calling after them)
But what happens if the authorities catch you?

ANTARES

(turning back)
We are the authorities. (Both ANTARES and ACULEUS flip open their vests, and we see the equivalent of police badges. Then THEY exit. SOMA, MAXIMUS, MILLIAMA and DEEDELUS now settle on the ground, happily munching the bars.) DEEDELUS Hey, this is good!

SOMA

You betcha schlass, it’s good.

MILLIAMA

Feeling anything yet?

DEEDELUS

What am I supposed to feel?

MAXIMUSH

(in a wee voice)
Me. (Light romantic music begins in the background. Silence. THEY are all happily munching away getting quietly stoned. DEEDELUS regards Milliama with utter adoration.)
DEEDELUS

The sky has never looked so green before,
The grass has never looked so blue.
I have never ever seen before
A girl as lovely and as gentle as you.

MAXIMUSH

This must be the most potent funga in the history of funga. (As he sings and becomes more stoned, the stage is suffused with a lovely blue mist.) DEEDELUS

Let the sun set in the east,
Let the Feasters go worship the Feast---
What do I care?
As long as there’s you.
Let the world sink in the sea,
And the Pandas continue to pee---
What do I care?
As long as there’s you.
All at once
I don’t mind about the lashes---
I don’t mind about the pain---
All at once
I would leave my Mother’s ashes
And never complain.
I only know here in the mist
If the Library doesn’t exist---
What do I care?
What do I care?
As long as there’s you.
(DEEDELUS rises and takes Milliama’s hand and leads her into a completely romantic dance. SHE melts in his arms. MAXIMUSH moves close to SOMA, places his head against his, and together THEY sway to the rhythm.)

MAXIMUSH & SOMA

Let the sun set in the east,
Let the Feasters go worship the Feast---
What does he care?
As long as there’s her.
Let the world sink in the sea,
And the Pandas continue to pee---
What does he care?
As long as there’s her.
All at once
He doesn’t mind about the lashes---
He doesn’t mind about the pain---
All at once
He would leave his Mother’s ashes
And never complain.
He only knows here in the mist
If the Library doesn’t exist---
What does he care?
What does he care?
As long as there’s her.
(The dance ends with a long lovely kiss. LIGHTS DIM, then RISE AGAIN. It is now morning. ALL FOUR are asleep on the ground. DEEDELUS slowly wakes up, holds his head in agony, then clutches his stomach. MILLIAMA jumps to her feet.)

MILLIAMA Did you schluck around with me last night? (At the sound of Milliama’s anger, both SOMA and MAXIMUSH awaken.) DEEDELUS I feel sick.

MILLIAMA

You heard me! Did you?

MAXIMUSH

(distastefully)
He sang to you. He danced with you, and then he kissed you. And you melted in his arms.

MILLIAMA

I don’t melt in no schlucker’s arms! So just watch your schluckin’ step!

MAXIMUSH

(to Deedelus, nuzzling his shoulder)
Maybe next time we’ll try a different funga. (DEEDELUS rushes behind a bush and we hear the sounds of his throwing up.) SOMA Hey, man…it’s okay. We all get sick the first few times. But after that, you’re in green heaven.

DEEDELUS

                                                   (to Soma)
OK. You got your funga.
                                                   (to Milliama)
And the Pandas saved our lives so there’s no reason to find something to exterminate them.
                                                   (to Maximush)
And you weren’t really searching for anything to start with.

MAXIMUSH

My search began and ended in Clittsburgh.

MILLIAMA

What are you trying to say?

DEEDELUS

Just that it’s been a rough time, and I can understand if you all want to turn back.

MAXIMUSH

Who said anything about turning back?

SOMA

Hey, man, you never get enough funga.

MILLIAMA

And just because those schluckers saved our lives doesn’t mean I don’t still want them wiped off the face of the earth.

MAXIMUSH

You don’t want us to go with you?

DEEDELUS

(collapsing on the ground)
I feel so sick I don’t know what I want.

SOMA

Let the sun set in the east,
Let the Feasters go worship the Feast---
What do you care?
As long as there’s me.

MILLIAMA

Let the world sink in the sea,
And the Pandas continue to pee---
What do you care?
As long as there’s me.

MAXIMUSH

All at once
You don’t mind about the lashes---
You don’t mind about the pain---
All at once
You would leave your Mother’s ashes
And never complain.

SOMA, MILLIAMA & MAXIMUSH

You only know here in the mist
If the Library doesn’t exist---
What do you care?
What do you care?
As long as there’s us.

DEEDELUS What a stupid song.

LIGHTS DIM