Scene Five
During the blackout, we hear "I Never Throw Anything Away" played
as a dirge. The set revolves, and we are in another room in the palace.
This is a sumptuous room, gorgeously appointed with five different chaises
on which recline DEEDELUS, MILLIAMA, CHANTARA, MAXIMUSH and SOMA, all dressed
in elegant formal clothes. A magnum of champagne is center stage. We hear
the loud ticking of a clock, then it grows softer.
MAXIMUSH
Tick, tock,
Tick, tock---
How long have we been here?
Has it been a year?
DEEDELUS
I think it’s longer---
Or have I been dreaming?
CHANTARA
Tick, tock,
Tick, tock---
Have some more champagne---
It really dulls the brain
And keeps you from screaming.
MILLIAMA
I got everything I could wear,
Velvet, silk and lace---
I got diamonds in my hair,
Who do you have to schluck
To get out of this place?
SOMA
I got all the dope I can hoard,
And funga by the bowl---
I am stoned out of my gourd,
Who do you have to schluck
To get out of this hole?
MAXIMUSH
I’ve got muscle hunks
Waiting down the hall
Wearing leather trunks
Or nothing much at all.
They are so adoring---
It’s gotten goddamned boring.
DEEDELUS
All the dinners here are first-class,
And served with style and grace---
I’ve got lobster up my ass---
Who do you have to schluck
To get out of this place?
ALL
Who do you have to schluck
To get out of this place?
SOMA
Looks like we’re stuck here for schluckin’ life.
CHANTARA
I don’t know about you. But I believe we haven’t been praying hard enough.
MAXIMUSH
Praying?
MILLIAMA
A lot of good that does.
CHANTARA
But it does. I prayed for someone to save me from the K.P.s, and look
what happened!
MAXIMUSH
And to whom did you pray, pray tell?
CHANTARA
It doesn’t matter who you pray to.
MAXIMUSH
You didn’t answer my question.
CHANTARA
If you must know, to my griddle.
MILLIAMA
Your griddle!?
CHANTARA
It worked, didn’t it?
MAXIMUSH
We’d better get the little lady to the kitchen as soon as possible.
(Door opens and TEENALUNA enters followed by one GUARD who wheels
on a small cache of after dinner liqueurs and ANOTHER GUARD who wheels
on a TV set with a VCR attached.)
TEENALUNA
Now what would my pretties like to watch tonight?
MILLIAMA
Nothing!
DEEDELUS
You’ve got to let us out of here.
TEENALUNA
That’s the gratitude I get for giving you everything your little hearts
desire! Do you know what all the starving children in Clittsburgh would
give for an opportunity like this? And this…
(pointing to the TV and VCR)
…this flick machine. Pure Gangacine. There are only two others like
it in the entire world. I can’t help it if the flicks that were found with
it are all of practically naked men and women doing calisthenics.
MAXIMUSH
Madame Teenaluna, I have my whole medical practice… After two refills,
they must come back to see me in person so I can give them two more refills.
CHANTARA
…and I had my restaurant…until it was burned to the ground.
MILLIAMA
…and I had all those schluckin’ K. P.s to fight against.
SOMA
…and I had my constant search for funga.
TEENALUNA
Ingrates! Just for that I’m cutting down your hours in the recreation
yard.
(As SHE turns on her heel and is about to exit, a terrible blast
of cannons shatters the room. THEY ALL freeze. Door abruptly opens and
TWO GUARDS rush on.)
FIRST GUARD
Your eminence, the castle is being attacked!
TEENALUNA
Being attacked?! Impossible! The walls are impregnable!
FIRST GUARD
The Beasters are coming from the sky!
SECOND GUARD
They have a new airship. It has these big twirly whirly things on the
top. There are thousands of them!
TEENALUNA
My possessions! My collections!
SOMA
(to Chantara)
Hey, gal, what did ya say the name of that griddle was?
(TEENALUNA and the GUARDS race out. More cannon fire and the
sound of whirling propellers. Articles are now falling from the walls and
the tables. The room is vibrating from the explosions.)
DEEDELUS
This is our chance.
(The OTHERS gather behind him. HE yanks open the door, sticks
his head out and glances in both directions. HE signals to them to follow.
But just as he does, through the window climbs a menacing BEASTER armed
to the teeth.)
BEASTER
Goin’ somewhere?
MAXIMUSH
You don’t understand, sir. We’ve been held prisoner here for ages.
CHANTARA
We were both raised on Coner Island. We were brought up Beasters.
(BEASTER signals out the window.)
BEASTER
Up here, Captain.
(SECOND BEASTER climbs through the window. HE steps into the
room and scrutinizes each one individually.)
DEEDELUS
My friend here is telling the truth. We were both raised to worship
the Beast. On the wall of the house where I grew up in…
SECOND BEASTER
Will you shut your mouth!
(HE walks up close to Deedelus, feels his biceps, touches his
chest, grabs his shoulder and pushes him so that he pivots in the opposite
direction.)
BEASTER
What do you think, Captain?
SECOND BEASTER
You sure have an eye for these things, Seminus. OK, you others can go.
But you, you stay.
SOMA
So long, man. I’ll miss ya, man.
MILLIAMA
Schluck, Deedelus. We coulda made some beautiful discordant music
together.
MAXIMUSH
Goodbye, dear boy. I would have loved to stay around, but you know even
a doctor isn’t made of zotzkas.
DEEDELUS
You’re my friends. Don’t leave me like this.
CHANTARA
Goodbye, Deedelus. Maybe we’ll meet again in Shreaneck. Was it really
necessary to burn my whole place down to the ground?
SECOND BEASTER
All of you. OUT!
(FIRST BEASTER marches SOMA, MILLIAMA, MAXIMUSH and CHANTARA
through the door, then shuts it behind him. SECOND BEASTER steps menacingly
toward Deedelus. DEEDELUS backs away.)
DEEDELUS
You don’t want me. You want Madame Teenaluna. This place is filled with
things worth countless zotzkas. You don’t want me.
SECOND BEASTER
(removing his bull’s head)
Ever hear of The Beaster Boys?
(DEEDELUS blinks at him in confusion.)
LIGHTS DIM
