“Redneck Jingle Bells”

 (“Jingle Bells”)

Dashing through the slush

In a one-door, busted car

Radiator’s blown

Surprised we got this far

Rollin’ down the road

On an axle and a prayer

Ain’t it fortunate we found you lady-folk so fair

Oh, Jingle Bells, please don’t tell

The local law enforcement

We have come to sing to you for your yuletide enjoy….ment

Jingle Bells, shotgun shells

Was wizzin’ past our ears

Guess we shouldn’ta busted outta jail

And stolen all that beeeeeeeeeer (I mean, sodaaaaaaa)

“Jingle Bell Rock: Part II”

(Bobby Helms: “Jingle Bell Rock”)

Don’t you yell, don’t you yell

and try not to shout

Just cuz hot boys are checkin’ you out

I’m sure it’s a normal occurrence for you

But baby, what can ya do?

I can tell, I can tell

My chances are slim

But I’m diving in, and I’ll sink or swim

We both know there are other fish in the sea

But none so   <insert adjective here>  as me!

I thought the night time would be the right time

to steal your heart away

I’m in a spell I, can’t even tell time

But I know it’s time for me and you to run away

I can tell when ya fell

from heaven, it hurt

I’m really turned on by your knee-length skirt

and other such modest apparel you wear

In the frosty air

“F-leece Navidad”

(“Felíz Navidád”)

Felíz Navidád, Felíz Navidád

Felíz Navidád, Prospero año y felicidad

Felíz Navidád, Felíz Navidád

Felíz Navidád, Prospero año y felicidad

Chorus

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas

From the bottom of my he-art

F-leece keeps us warm

Outside in the storm

Felíz Navidád, prospero año y felicidad

F-leece comes from sheep

Except for this because it’s cheap

It’s made of polyester, but it’ll keep me warm all semester

Chorus

“Let it Snow: part II”

(conceived in Preston, ID)

Though the weather outside is frightful

Preachin’ the Gospel is so delightful

And since I already can’t feel my toes

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Well it doesn’t show signs of stoppin’

But I’m just gonna keep on knockin’

And since purgatory’s king is my foe

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

“Fugal Hall is Full o’ Hotties”

(“Deck the Halls”)

(In a southern tongue)

Fugal Hall’s full o’ hotties, I reckon

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

One-eighty-two is no exception

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

Do you think they’ll like our chorus?

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

No, they’ll prob’ly just ignore us

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

In our Hall five minutes prior

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

Came cow-girls in plaid attire

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

They gave us song but stole our hearts

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

(spoken) The broomstick horse was my favorite part!

     Fa la la la la, la la de-da

“The King of Kings is coming to Earth”

(“Santa Claus is comin’ to Town”)

You better watch out

You better not cry

You better not pout,

I’m tellin’ you why

The Son of Man is coming to earth

He’s makin’ a list

He’s checkin’ it twice

You better get your name

in the Book of Life

It won’t be long till he’s coming to earth

He sees you when you’re cheating

Or petting that rattlesnake

He knows when you’ve been bad or good

So REPENT for goodness sake! Ooooh...

You better watch your mouth

You better pay your tithes

You better not doubt,

I’m telling you why

The King of Kings is coming to earth!

“Rudolph the Inactive Member”

(“Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer”)

Rudolph, the inactive member

was very pridefully disposed

And if you ever saw his ego

You would even say it grows  <like a cancer!>

All of the other Mormons

they all liked him just the same

But he’d always get beat up

when he’d play in their Mormon games <like Church Basketball!>

Then one fateful Saturday night

Bishop came to say

“Hey, Rudolph with your voice so pure,

won’t you be our ward-choir directour”

Then all the members loved him

Just like they did all along

And Rudolph the active member

Served a mission in Hong Kong

“We Know that Last Week You Missed Us”

(“We Wish You a Merry Christmas”)

We know that last week you missed us

We know that last week you missed us

We know that last week you missed us

And we missed you too

If you’d been here you woulda kissed us

except you’re our FHE sista’s

and that would be kinda twisted...

...So forget what we said

Leftovers we bring

From our Thanksgiving

They’re reheated fishsticks from the Morris Center

You… missed some delicious fishsticks

You missed some delicious fishsticks

You missed some delicious fishsticks

Say that ten times fast!

** “The Original Frosty the Snowman”

(“Frosty the Snowman”)

Frosty the Snowman

was a jolly, happy soul

With a corn-cob pipe and a button-nose

and two eyes made out of coal

Frosty the Snowman

was a fairy-tale they say

He was made of snow, but the children know

how he came to life one day

There must have been some moonshine

in that old milk jug they found

For when they all had taken a swig

well they saw him dance around.  Ooooh,

Frosty the snowman

Had to go away from the sun

But he waved goodbye

Saying don’t you cry

I’ll be back when you’re twenty-one

** All proceeds from the sales of this song will go to the
Association of Childhood Alcoholism Awareness