From Happiness Comes Pain

Written By: Jen

Usual disclaimer, Paramount blah, blah!

Chakotay closed the apartment door and leaned against it the tears that he had been holding at bay spilled over and he slid to the floor, unable to control his grief. He didn’t know how long he sat like that, but when the tears had dried he got up and went into the lounge area he could sense Kathryn’s presence all around him.

He noticed there was a flashing light on the vid screen telling him that he had some incoming messages, so he pressed the play switch. B’Elanna's face appeared on the screen her eyes were red and glistening with tears. “Chakotay, we’ve just heard, we..” she broke off then as the tears spilled over. Tom came into view, he put his arms around her in an attempt to comfort her, when he looked at the screen his face was also full of grief.

“Give us a call when you get back, and if you need anything you know where we are.”

There were further messages from Harry, Tuvok and other crew members from voyager, but Chakotay was no longer listening to them he was remembering a time 10 years previously, it was at the party to celebrate Voyagers return to the Alpha quadrant.

The official function with all the top brass and dignitaries had taken place a week before, this party was for the crews family and friends. When Chakotay arrived B’Elanna and Tom had greeted him.

“Hi, Chakotay.” Said B’Elanna as she gave him a big hug.

“We thought you were going to be the last to arrive?” Said Tom.

“The Captain?” Asked Chakotay.

“She sent a message saying she had got held up at Starfleet headquarters but that she would get here as soon as she could.” Replied Tom.

“Come and join us,” asked B’Elanna.

“Thanks, but I’ll just get a drink and wait for the Captain.”

“OK, We’ll catch you later,” and they went to rejoin the party.

Chakotay got himself a drink from the bar and made his way up to the balcony where he could watch everyone without being disturbed. Since they had arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant 3 months ago he had barely seen Kathryn, she had been so busy with the de-briefings he knew she was making sure that all the former Maquis got a fair deal and then she had spent some time with her family.

They had spoken over the communication system but they had only discussed what the rest of the crew was doing. He desperately wanted to discuss their future but had been scared to bring up the subject, he had decided that tonight he was going to tell her exactly how he felt without the use of any legends. He was so engrossed in his thoughts that he didn’t sense Kathryn’s presence until she said softly. “Penny for them Chakotay.”

He turned round and was stunned for a moment. Unlike the official function she wasn’t wearing dress uniform, this time she was in a close fitting black dress which came just above her knees and was held up with shoestring straps. Her hair was pulled up with a silver barrette and tendrils softly framed her face.

Kathryn laughed, “Chakotay I think you ought to close your mouth, you look like you’re catching flies.”

He smiled, “Kathryn, you look stunning.”

“Thank you,” She said shyly. “I’m sorry I’m late, but I got held up at headquarters and I wanted to look good this evening.”

“It was well worth the wait,” He said. ”Have Starfleet finished with the debriefing yet.”

“Yes, finally. They want to make me an Admiral.”

“Congratulations, you deserve it.”

“I’ve turned it down.”

“Why?” Asked Chakotay confused.

“Because it went along with a desk job and I don’t want that.”

“I would’ve thought you’d had enough exploring in the Delta Quadrant?”

“That was different, at least I’ll be able to come home in between assignments.”

“What have they offered you then?”

“It’s a Science ship, that’s what I’m happiest with and many of the crew of Voyager will be offered the chance to join me. “

“Well if you need a first Officer, I don’t think I’m doing anything else at the moment.”

Kathryn shook her head; “I’ve got someone else in mind for that position.”

“Tuvok?”

“No, he’s decided to spend some time on Vulcan with his family and getting to know his new granddaughter. I shall miss him.”

“Who then?”

“I’m hoping that Tom will take it.”

“Paris! Are you serious?”

“He’s still got a lot to learn but I think he can do it, he grew up a lot in the Delta Quadrant and proved that he can be a good officer.”

“What about me?”

“I persuaded Starfleet to let me be the one to break the news to you, they’re making you up to Captain and you’ll be offered your own ship.”

Chakotay turned back to looking over the balcony without answering her. “What’s the matter Chakotay? I thought you would’ve been pleased.”

“I suppose I am pleased about being made Captain but I shall miss working with you.”

Kathryn turned him to face her, “So shall I, but whilst you were my First Officer I couldn’t pursue a relationship with you, I’m hoping that all that will change now. I know I’ve kept you at a distance for a long time, but I know that I love you and I want us to have a life together, I’d like to get married but if you don’t want to it doesn’t matter.”

He stood there unable to believe what he had just heard. Kathryn stepped in closer, “Chakotay have I left it too late? I know that we will be apart for periods of time due to our assignments but we can call each other frequently and spend all our leave together.”

He still didn’t reply and a worried look crossed her face, “Say something please?”

“I’m sorry, it’s just that I’ve waited so long to hear you say those words that I couldn’t believe you’d said them.”

“Then I’m not too late?”

He put his arms around her and kissed her passionately on her lips, “Does that answer your question?” He asked when they pulled apart.

A smile appeared on her lips, “I think we’d better join the others before we get too carried away.” And she linked her arm in his and led him down to the main hall to join the others.

They were married 3 months later in Indiana, they had wanted to have a quiet affair but felt that they couldn’t leave anyone from Voyager out of the celebration, as Kathryn said they had become a family during their time in the Delta Quadrant.

Over the next three years they spent many months apart but spoke to each other most days. One night Chakotay arrived back at the apartment, he had been to see B’Elanna and her 10-month-old son. He was looking forward to telling Kathryn that she was expecting again; he was pleased that she and Tom were so happy together.

He had shut the door before he realised that something was not right, he could hear a noise coming from the bedroom, he picked up a large candlestick from the sideboard and crept towards the bedroom. Just as he got there the door opened he raised his arm and out walked Kathryn.

“Chakotay!” Cried out Kathryn, “You made me jump.”

“What are you doing here, I thought you weren’t due back for another 2 months?”

“I’ve taken my leave early, there’s something I need to tell you,”

Chakotay looked at her, she appeared very nervous; it must be something serious for her to take leave early he thought. “Shall we sit down?”

She nodded and they went into the lounge area, she sat next to him on the sofa and took hold of his hand. “I’ve applied for a job at headquarters.”

He was stunned, he didn’t know what he had expected her to say, but it certainly wasn’t that. “Why? I thought you enjoyed your posting on the USS Warran."

“I do, it’s just.. I know we’ve not discussed this, but I’d like for us to start a family.”

“What!”

“My biological clock is ticking away Chakotay, if I leave it much longer it’ll be too late. I always thought that you would want children eventually, was I wrong?”

“Kathryn, nothing would make happier than for you to have my children, but I know how much your job means to you and I would never have asked you to give up your command.”

“I know,” She said smiling, “And I’m not sure I could stay at home all the time, which is why I’ve asked for a desk job, they have excellent crèche facilities at headquarters and at least I’d be here when you were on leave.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

“I’m sure, and if you’re not too hungry we could maybe start practising now,” Teased Kathryn.

“I’m hungry, but not for food!” Replied Chakotay as he swept her into his arms.

Their daughter Kate-Lin came into the world a year later 3 months too soon weighing barely 2lb following complications with Kathryn’s blood pressure. For a while it was touch and go for Kathryn and the baby but they both pulled through. Kathryn and Chakotay were advised not to have any more children so they showered all their love onto Kate-Lin. She grew up looking like her father with dark hair and big brown eyes but she had her mother’s keen scientific mind and was solving mathematical problems at a very early age.

When Kate-Lin was 3 years old Kathryn was once again offered the post of Admiral and this time she accepted, Chakotay took a tutors post at the Academy so that they could spend more time together. She never said anything, but he sensed that she sometimes missed travelling amongst the stars.

Then 9 months ago they had gone over to B’Elanna and Tom’s for Dinner. During the meal Tom said “I was talking to my father the other day, he’s really disappointed that you wouldn’t take on that deep space mission.”

“What mission’s that?” Asked Chakotay.

“I was offered the chance to take out a new type of Starship on its maiden voyage.” Said Kathryn.

“You never told me,”

“I didn’t think it was necessary seeing as I turned it down,” Replied Kathryn.

Chakotay just stared at her. “We’ll talk about this later,” He said. The rest of the meal passed with a tense atmosphere and Kathryn and Chakotay made their apologies and left early.

“I’m sorry,” Whispered Tom as he handed Kathryn her coat.

“It’s all right, I should’ve told him.” She leant over and kissed B’Elanna on the cheek, “Thanks for a lovely meal I’m sorry we spoilt it.”

“You didn’t, it was lovely to see you both again.”

“Take care of yourselves,” Said Kathryn as she followed Chakotay out. They made the journey in silence and it wasn’t until they had said goodbye to the babysitter and checked on Kate-Lin that Chakotay finally spoke.

“Why didn’t you discuss it with me?” He asked.

“There was nothing to discuss,” She said “The decision was mine to make.”

“It was a joint decision,” He replied angrily.

“Not as I’d decided to stay on Earth.” She replied calmly.

“Is that what you really want?” He asked softly.

“Kate-Lin is only 5 years old, I can’t leave her.”

He walked up to her, “I’m here for her and she’ll see you when you’re on leave.”

“Oh, Chakotay I must admit I was very tempted when they offered it to me, I do miss not being on a starship.”

“I know, I see it in your eyes and I’m afraid that in time you’ll grow to resent me and Kate-Lin for keeping you here on Earth.”

“I would never do that, I love you both too much for that.”

“Take the assignment Kathryn, we’ll be all right and you can always ask for your desk job back if you don’t like it.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.”

Kathryn took the assignment and there was never a question of her asking for her old job back. Whenever they spoke on the communication screens she always looked so animated and alive.

The last time he saw her was 3 weeks ago when she was returning to her ship after an extended leave before she had to go on a mission into the Gamma Quadrant. They had all enjoyed their time together and Kate-Lin had pestered her mother constantly for stories about her time in deep space, then declared that she was going to be a starship captain when she grew up. Kathryn and Chakotay had smiled at each other but they knew that she meant what she said.

Then a week ago he received a message from Starfleet, the shuttlecraft that Kathryn had been in whilst orbiting a planet had been hit by a plasma storm and was missing. He tried to hold out hope that she would be found alive but he knew deep inside that she was dead, two days ago the call had come from headquarters that her body had been retrieved and would be returned to Earth today.

There had been barely a mark on her; the Doctor had told him that she had died of internal injuries. She had looked so at peace and he had said his goodbyes to her and kissed her gently on her forehead. Her Sister Phoebe had met him there and told him that she would collect Kate-Lin from school and bring her back to the apartment.

After that he made his way home but couldn’t remember any of the journey, he sat there in front of the vid screen with the messages replaying over and over but couldn’t face speaking to anyone at the moment.

Later that evening he sat holding Kate-Lin whilst she talked about her Mother, Phoebe had asked them both to come back to her house for a few days but he had refused he wanted to stay in the apartment where he felt closer to Kathryn.

The funeral was held a week later because so many people wanted to attend all the crew from Voyager was there and many of them paid tribute to the remarkable women who had led them through the Delta Quadrant. Chakotay stood there holding Kate-Lins hand tears sliding quietly down his cheeks, he knew he was going to have to be strong for his daughters sake. Kathryn would expect nothing less from him, but he knew there was no one who would ever be able to take her place in his heart.

FINIS