************************************************
A little girl and a little boy are playing in a sandbox. The little boy
has to go to take a pee, and he was told by his mother to always be
polite and don't talk about private matters in public.
At first he holds it in for a little while, because he does not
know what to say to the little girl to excuse himself. Then, he remembers
what his mom had said at the restaurant to excuse herself from the table.
So, he turns to the little girl and says "Will you excuse me? I have to go
powder my nose".
And, saying that, he leaps out of the sandbox and runs to the washroom.
When he comes back, the little girl looks up at him and asks, "Did you
powder your nose?"
"Yes", said the little boy, stepping back into the sandbox.
"Well then," says the little girl, "You'd better close your compact,
because your lipstick is hanging out."
************************************************
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a physical, only to find out
that she's pregnant' she is furious. Here she's about to run for
senator of New York and this has happened to her. She calls the white
house, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "How
could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now,
you go and get me pregnant! How could you??!!! I can't believe this!
I just found out I am five weeks pregnant and it is all your fault!!!
Your fault!!! Well, what have you got to say???"
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams
again, "Did you hear me??!!" Finally she hears Bill's very, very
quiet voice. In a barely audible whisper, he says, "Who is this?
***************************************************************** Two guys get busted for smoking dope, so they have to go into court on a
Friday. They go to court and the judge says if you can convince over 5
people to stop doing drugs for the rest of their lives, you won't be sent to
jail. So the two men agree and the judge tells them to come back on Monday.
So the two guys come back on Monday and the judge asks how they did.
''I got 17 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow, how'd you do that?'' asks the judge.
''I used circles. I told them that this large circle is your brain before
drugs and this small circle is your brain after drugs.''
''Oh, that's nothing. I convinced 156 people to get off drugs.''
''Wow. How'd you do that?''
''Well, I used circles too. I told them this small circle is your butthole
before prison...''
***************************************************************
These three guys got together one day and were talking about how drunk they
got at a party the night before.
The first guy said, ''Man I was so drunk last night I went home and blew
chunks.''
The second guy said, ''Man that was nothing I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I got my DWI.''
The third guy says, "Man that was nothing. I was so drunk last night I was
driving home and I picked up a prostitute and my wife caught us in bed.''
Then the first guy said, ''No -- you guys don't understand! Chunks is my
dog!"
***************************************************************
A masked man walks into a sperm bank, points a gun at the woman behind the
counter and shouts, ''Open the safe!''
''But this isn't a real bank!'' the woman cries. ''It's a *sperm* bank!''
''Open the safe or I'll shoot!'' the man shouts. The woman, now terrified,
opens the safe. ''Now take one of the bottles and drink it,'' he says.
''But sir, these are sperm samples!'' the woman replies.
''Just drink it or I'll shoot!'' The woman opens the bottle and drinks the
lot. ''Now take another bottle and drink it.''
''But sir, I just drank one!''
''Drink another one or I'll shoot you!'' The woman has no alternative and
drinks a second bottle. When she has emptied it, the man takes off his mask
and the woman is surprised to see the robber is her husband.
''Now you see, Honey'', he says, ''it isn't so difficult, is it?''
***************************************************************
A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had
bagged 3 ducks and decided to "enforce the laws
pending." He stopped the hunter, flashed his
badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty
good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?" The
hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the
warden.
The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his
finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out,
sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington
State duck. Do you have a Washington State
hunting license?" The hunter pulled out his
wallet and calmly showed the warden a
Washington State hunting license.
The warden took a second duck, inserted his
finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out,
sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho
duck. Do you have an Idaho State hunting
license?" The hunter, a bit put out, produced
an Idaho State hunting license.
The warden took a third duck, conducted the
same finger test, and said, "This here's an
Oregon State duck. Do you have an Oregon
State hunting license?" Once again, only
this time more aggravated, the hunter
produced the appropriate license.
The warden, a little miffed at having struck
out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and
said, "You've got all of these licenses, just
where the heck are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and
said "You're so smart, YOU tell ME!"
*********************************************************************
When the Ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the
animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be
NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in
to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see
land, you can get your penis back."
A couple of days later, Mr. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was
very excited. "Quick!" he said, "Get on my shoulders and look out the
window to see if there is any land out there!"
Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders, looked out the window, and said,
"Sorry, no land yet."
"Damn!" exclaimed Mr. Rabbit.
This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. Mrs.
Rabbit asked, "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for
forty days and nights. Only after the water has drained will we be able
to see land. So why are you acting so excited every day?"
"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly voice, as he held out a piece of
paper, "I GOT THE HORSE'S RECEIPT!!"
*****************************************************************************
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a Pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come
in also."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three
days. After that you know where you can go..."
*****************************************************************************
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