Bob's Guestbook Mirror

Welcome to my guestbook. Feel free browse through the entries here and to sign the page yourself if you want to.

Entries that as offensive or that have deliberately disguised names or obviously fake email addresses will be deleted.

Please note that many of these entries appear under fake names and addresses. They are left in only because they are amusing in some way or I'm just too lasy to remove them.


In days of old, when Matthews was bold,
and lavatories weren't invented,
he dumped his load in the middle of the road,
and walked away, contented.

Sir Topphamhatalot <topphamhatalot@roundtable.com>
Winchester, Wessex, UK
Tuesday 8 October 2002 19:54:36 GMT
Mr. Matthews, in reply to your question:
"Will I ever get past all the inconvenient equipment breakdowns and get to finish in the lab and start properly writing up?"
I can reliably answer "nope!". (Well, not for 9 months, anyway.)
I speak from experience... Have a nice day!

Dr. Gumby <petermay@dc.com>
St. Albans, Hertfordshire, UK
Monday 7 October 2002 11:38:18 GMT
Matthews Matthews.
You're my Matthews.
And you can give it to me,
When I need to come along.

JB <philip.davis@wolfson.ox.ac.uk>
Oxfrod, Ox-on, UK
Monday 16 September 2002 21:39:52 GMT
Dr. Matthews,
I do wish you would check your facts before coming out with 'jokes' like the following:
"Where are there no fat people?
In Finland."
As you will see, if you follow the hyperlink at the end of this statement, obesity in Finland is a serious problem, which claims many lives each year. I am greatly disappointed that you choose to poke fun at our problem - especially since in the UK the problem is worse, I understand.
I hope that you will remove the 'joke' from your page as soon as possible, and perhaps we could have an apology too, ja?

Yours faithfully,
Dr. Marjaana Lahti-Koski

Marjaana Lahti-Koski <mlk@ktl.co.fi>
Helsinki, Finland
Monday 26 August 2002 13:17:02 GMT
I don't know what it is that makes me love you so,
I only know I never want to let you go
Cause you started something
Can't you see
That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me
It happens to be true
I only wanna be Matthews

It doesn't matter where you go or what you do
I want to spend each moment of the day Matthews
Look what has happened
You just walked in
I never knew that I could be in love like this
It's crazy but it's true
I only wanna be Matthews

You stopped you smiled at me
And asked me if I cared to dance
I fell into your open arms
I didn't stand a chance
Now listen Matthews
I just wanna be beside you everywhere
As long as we're together, Matthews
I don't care
cause you started something
can't you see
That ever since we met
You've had a hold on me
No matter what you do,
I only wanna be Matthews


no matter, no matter what you do
I only wanna be Matthews
No matter, no matter what you do
I only wanna be Matthews

Dusty Springfield
UK
Sunday 21 July 2002 12:23:10 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
Tammy Nye <reddophin@yahoo.com>
Columbus, Ohio, UK
Sunday 14 July 2002 19:05:38 GMT
The future teaches you to be alone
The present to be afraid and cold
So if I can shoot rabbits
Then I can poach protons

Bullets for your brain today
But we'll forget it all again
Monuments put from pen to paper
Turns me into a gutless wonder

And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next

Gravity keeps my head down
Or is it maybe shame
At being so young and being so vain

Holes in your head today
But I'm a pacifist
I've walked La Ramblas
But not with real intent

And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next

And on the street tonight an old man plays
With newspaper cuttings of his DP days

And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
And if you tolerate this
Then James Matthews will be next
Will be next
Will be next
Will be next

Manic Street Preachers <manic@street.preachers.com>
Barcelona, Spain, UK
Friday 12 July 2002 23:09:40 GMT
Start spreading the news, I'm leaving today
I want to be a part of it - Matthews, Matthews
These vagabond shoes, are longing to stray
Right through the very heart of it - Matthews, Matthews

I want to wake up in a city, that doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill - top of the heap

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old Matthews
If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you - Matthews, Matthews

Matthews, Matthews
I want to wake up in a city, that never sleeps
To find I'm a number one, head of the list,
Cream of the crop at the top of the heap.

These little town blues, are melting away
I'm gonna make a brand new start of it - in old Matthews
If I can make it there, I'm gonna make it anywhere
It's up to you - Matthews, Matthews

Frank, again
UK
Wednesday 10 July 2002 16:45:11 GMT
I know I stand in line until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance, I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me
And afterwards we drop into a quiet little place and have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "James Matthews"

I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lies you heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you, for me it's true
And never seemed so right before
I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late and I'm alone with you
The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
And, oh, the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like "James Matthews"

The time is right, your perfume fills my head, the stars get red
And, oh, the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all by sayin' something stupid like "James Matthews"

James Matthews
James Matthews
James Matthews
James Matthews


Frank Sinatra
UK
Wednesday 10 July 2002 8:50:41 GMT
I'm still here Daniel, but I'm keeping a low profile. Can't say anything more at the moment, as I may give away my hiding place.

Your friend and willing "service provider",

Lusty Lizzie

Lusty Lizzie <lizzie@tart.com>
Oxonford, Readingshire, UK
Sunday 30 June 2002 21:39:55 GMT
Hello, its gone quiet.

Wheres funny lusty lizy gone.

Anyone local chester wrexham etc.

Daniel <chesterguy@narna.com>
wrexham, wrexham, UK
Friday 21 June 2002 15:27:23 GMT
James Matthews, James Matthews
Riding through the glen
James Matthews, James Matthews
Cleverst of men -
Always correct
Never confused
James Matthews!
James Matthews!
James Matthews!



The Sheriff of Nottingham
UK
Thursday 13 June 2002 16:30:23 GMT
It annoys me too, Mr. Matthews, when the space you have to fit something in is just that little bit too sma
Mr. Cramped <cramped@hotmail.com>
Crampsville, Crampshire, UK
Wednesday 5 June 2002 7:57:34 GMT
Grüsse aus Köln, Rüdiger
Sorry I don't speak good English.

rüdiger reinis <rüediger.reinis@rtlworld.de>
köln, nrw, germany
Thursday 23 May 2002 21:39:51 GMT
Hello? Is there anybody in there? Just nod if you can hear me,
Is there anybody home?
When I was I child I had a fever and my head felt just like two balloons, now I've got that feeling once again, I cannot explain you would not understand
this is not how I am...

und auf jedn foi, heit gehts uns guat!

So! Do you think you can tell?
Heaven from hell
bad drinks from good ones?
awful rhymes from horrible?
cider from mead?
guiness from a good read?
are we deranged?
and did you excha-a-a-ange
a big pint for small?
a minimarket for a mall?
or are you just Jamesed??

Phil Holio Ooh, it's on the tip, of my tongue, er, yes, about 10km from
Thursday 16 May 2002 1:59:51 GMT
There may be trouble ahead
But while there's moonlight and music and love and romance
Let's face the Matthews and dance.

Gareth Gates
UK
Wednesday 24 April 2002 11:10:18 GMT
My baby's always dancing
and it wouldn't be a bad thing
but I don't get no loving
and that's no lie

We spent the night in Frisco
At every kind of disco
>From that I kissed
our love goodbye

Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

Don't you blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

That nasty Matthews bugs me
but somehow it has drugged me
Spellbound rhythm get me
on my feet

I've changed my life completely
I've seen the lightning leave me
my baby just can't take
her eyes off me
            Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

Don't you blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

I just can't
I just can't
I just can't control myself

I just can't
I just can't
I just can't control myself

Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

Don't you blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

This magic music grooves me
That dirty rhtyhm moves me
The devil's gotten to me
through this dance
            I'm full of funky fever
A fire burns inside me
Matthews's got me in a
super trance

Don't blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

Don't you blame it on sunshine
Don't blame it on moonlight
Don't blame it on good times
Blame it on the Matthews

Sunshine
Moonlight
Good times
Matthews

Sunshine
Moonlight
Good times
Matthews

Don't you blame it
You just got to
You just want to
Yea-
Blame it on yourself
Ain't nobody's fault
But yours and that Matthews
Dancing all night long

Will Young, Pop Idol
UK
Saturday 6 April 2002 10:40:39 GMT
           
James,
I am writing to thank you, on behalf of all my staff here at the Centre for Unusual Ailments at the John Radcliffe hospital, for using your "phrase of the week" to highlight the rare but extremely painful condition of "tongue through cheek". This condition has long been mocked, but as you quite rightly pointed out, it is a serious and messy business - there would indeed "be blood all over the place" if it happened to you. And you might never play the violin again. Sir Yehudi Menuhin would be most upset.
Other ailments we treat here include "letting down one bicycle tyre for no apparent reason syndrome" (a problem that often afflicts seemingly sophisticated people - though often they aren't as sophisticated as they seem). It appears the best way to treat such people is simply to give them their own bicycle, saying "If you want one have one, but just one!".
One thing we have learned over the years is that it is important to treat these ailments early, while they are still small problems. Otherwise the problems may snowball and in no time at all they will be the size of a house, hurtling down a mountainside and threatening to flatten a village. Or Fortescue-Manor, my parent's family home. And we couldn't let that happen now, could we?

Dr. John Fortescue-Smythe <jf-s@oxfordradcliffe.nhs.uk>
The Mighty 'O', Mighty'O'Fordshire, UK
Sunday 31 March 2002 20:58:14 GMT
Matthews, there's no need to feel down.
I said, Matthews, pick yourself off the ground.
I said, Matthews, 'cause you're in a new town
There's no need to be unhappy.

Matthews, there's a place you can go.
I said, Matthews, when you're short on your dough.
You can stay there, and I'm sure you will find
Many ways to have a good time.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys ...

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,
You can do whatever you feel....

Matthews, are you listening to me?
I said, Matthews, what do you want to be?
I said, Matthews, you can make real your dreams.
But you got to know this one thing!

No man does it all by himself.
I said, Matthews, put your pride on the shelf,
And just go there, to the Y.M.C.A.
I'm sure they can help you today.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys....

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal,
You can do whatever you feel....

Matthews, I was once in your shoes.
I said, I was down and out with the blues.
I felt no man cared if I were alive.
I felt the whole world was so tight....

That's when someone came up to me,
And said, Matthews, take a walk up the street.
There's a place there called the Y.M.C.A.
They can start you back on your way.

It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.

They have everything for you men to enjoy,
You can hang out with all the boys....

Y-M-C-A...you'll find it at the Y-M-C-A.

Matthews, Matthews, there's no need to feel down.
Matthews, Matthews, get yourself off the ground.

Y-M-C-A...you'll find it at the Y-M-C-A.

Matthews, Matthews, there's no need to feel down.
Matthews, Matthews, get yourself off the ground.

Y-M-C-A...just go to the Y-M-C-A.

Matthews, Matthews, are you listening to me?
Matthews, Matthews, what do you wanna be?


The Village People <people@village.com>
UK
Sunday 3 March 2002 14:03:27 GMT
Have a look at 94 and 97 on the list of things to do

You are one sick puppy

Henrietta Rogerson again <same as before>
Shef, Sheffield, UK
Sunday 17 February 2002 20:41:17 GMT
Your homepage is not adequate, on the grand scale of things. You can't even spell lazy (NB lazy not lasy).
Exactly how slow are you? I corrected that typo ages ago
I'm not surprised though, because your glasses are as thick as my ass
You must have one hell of a thin ass.

Henrietta Rogerson <abuse@fakeaddress.com>
Sheffield, Sheffield, UK
Sunday 17 February 2002 20:31:21 GMT
Bob, I am a woman with a broken heart. My internet sweetheart Ben Webb, who only last week promised he'd pay £251,000 for me, now denies all knowledge of the transaction. (Check out his home page and see for yourself.) Perhaps, Bob, you would be willing to put in a bid for me, as I am too busy to go out and find a man for myself. I see that Lusty Lizzie is after you also, but no matter - I shall challenge her to a duel to win your love, sweet Bob. Thinking of you(r wallet) always,
K.

Kay Hammond <ben@bellatrix.pcl.ox.ac.uk>
Sutton Coldfield, West Midlands, UK
Saturday 2 February 2002 1:24:48 GMT Why is "getting wet when not bathing" so bad, James? I find it very pleasant, but only when you're around, of course.

- Lusty Lizzie

Lusty Lizzie <lizzie@tart.com>
Oxbridge, Sotonshire, UK
Saturday 2 February 2002 1:19:27 GMT
I'm getting Matthews in the morning,
Ding-dong the bells are going to chime, Pull out the stopper,
Let's have a whopper,
But get me to the lab on time

Eliza Doolittle
UK
Sunday 27 January 2002 12:11:50 GMT
One man went to poach,
went to poach a proton.
One man and his Mattheeeeeeeeews,
went to poach a proton.

(But Sir Toppham Hat's gamekeeper caught them and they were shot.)

Farmer Oak <oak@far-from-mad$ Dorchester, Daarrrrhhset, UK
Thursday 24 January 2002 12:44:27 GMT
This year we're off to Salisbury
Viva James Matthews

Can't remember

Thursday 24 January 2002 8:49:54 GMT
Please remove the reference to me from your site. It's embarrasing enough that people from BWS know that I know you; let alone complete strangers.

P.S. After briefly browsing your guestbook, I can tell that you are still held in the same high regard that you were at BWS.

Gavin Whitlock
UK
Monday 14 January 2002 12:56:07 GMT
Hey James,
Check out my book!
"TAILS FROM DON'T BE SO RIDICULOUS VALLEY"
(c) BATT 1992-1998

Mike Batt <womble@wimbledon.com(mon)>
Wimbledon, UK
Tuesday 8 January 2002 11:33:48 GMT
Last Christmas I gave you my Matthews,
but the very next day, you gave him away.
This year, to save me from pain,
I'll give you Phil Davis instead.

George Michael <george@michael.com>
Georgeton, Michaelshire, UK
Thursday 20 December 2001 19:31:03 GMT
Oh I wish I could be Matthews every day!
Slade
UK
Thursday 20 December 2001 16:35:23 GMT
Hvad er det her for et sted? Jeg fatter ikke pointen!!!! Og hvem er Matthews?
Maldel <maldel@wanadoo.fr>
Toulouse, France
Saturday 1 December 2001 17:19:09 GMT
When one Matthews touches another Matthews, that makes me a *sad* panda.
Sexual Harrassment Panda <wadh0287@ermine.ox.ac.uk>
South Park, Colorado, God Bless America
Tuesday 27 November 2001 13:15:26 GMT
What's wrong with a bit of flagellation, Mr. Matthews? My clients pay handsomely for it. For you though, Mr. Matthews, I'll do a free trial session.

- Lusty Lizzie

Lusty Lizzie <lizzie@tart.com>
Near you, baby!, Oh yes!
Monday 19 November 2001 12:52:19 GMT
Newly released for Christmas : The Sound Of Matthews.

Including such hits as.......
The hills are alive with the sound of Matthews
Climb every Matthews
How do you solve a problem like James Matthews?
My favourite Matthews
High on a hill was a lonely Matthews
I am Matthews going on seventeen

And lots lots more.

Captain von Trapp
UK
Thursday 8 November 2001 10:57:41 GMT
I'm too sexy for my Matthews
Too sexy for my Matthews
So sexy it hurts.

Munchkin
UK
Tuesday 6 November 2001 16:41:17 GMT
I don't cry for yesterday
there's an ordinary Matthews, somehow I have to find

And as I try to make my way
to the ordinary Matthews, I will learn to poach protons.

BTW James, why doesn't the link to Bob for Sale work anymore? I trust there hasn't been a coup in Bobland with the new despot favouring a return to the censorship days of old?

There is an html excluder in the script that should prevent user inputted html
Simon Le Bon <simon@duran-duran.com>
Birmingham, West Midlands, UK
Monday 29 October 2001 13:17:52 GMT
Follow the link

*wink wink*


Bob For Sale
Bob-A-Job, Rub-A-Dub-Bob,
Wednesday 24 October 2001 20:49:39 GMT
Dear Mr. Matthews

I am shortly to attend a course on how to be a demonstrator. To this end I would like to order some clothing from your 'Demonstrating Casual' range:
1 pair black shoes (Matthews standard lab issue)
1 pair blue jeans (capacious)
1 long sleeve rugby shirt (Matthews approved colours)
1 pair 'girl bait' non-prescription safety glasses.

Jon
UK
Wednesday 24 October 2001 7:58:19 GMT
I hope you're watching "Stephen King's 'It'" tonight, I'm in it. I look rather fetching in clown paint, if I do say so myself.
Harry Anderson
Horrorsville, Oxfordshire, USA
Tuesday 16 October 2001 23:03:11 GMT
You are feeling sleepy... very very sleepy... your eyelids are getting heavy... very very heavy...
Bob Matthews <mail@robertmatthews.co.uk>
London, Er, London, UK
Friday 12 October 2001 18:45:51 GMT
Matthews, everybody needs a Matthews
Just a friendly wave each morning
Helps to make a better day
Matthews should be there for one another
Thats when good Matthews become good friends.

Mrs. Mangel
UK
Monday 8 October 2001 15:55:13 GMT
James Newton Matthews studied English and, after graduating at the head of the class in 1872, worked as a journalist for nearly two years. Matthews then earned a degree in medicine and took over his father's practice in Effingham County. He is remembered for his devoted service as a physician as well as for his love of literature. Known as "The Poet of the Prairie," he received numerous honors for his poetry and was a close friend of the poet James Whitcomb Riley. James Newton Matthews died in 1910, giving service to the people of Mason. He walked more than five miles through a snowstorm to treat a patient and suffered a fatal heart attack on his return home.
James Newton Matthews <leaders@uiuc.edu>
Champaign, Ilinois, USA
Sunday 7 October 2001 22:26:56 GMT
Dear Bob, I'd love to interview you on my show. Would you be interested? I will, of course, pay full travel expenses. I'm impressed by your sheer range of experience, as evidenced by your very fine guestbook. Perhaps you could explain the frequently referred to "dodgy handrail" to my listeners.
Bob Matthews <bob.matthews@aharris1180.com>
Rochester, New York, USA
Sunday 7 October 2001 22:09:03 GMT Waltzing M-Matthews
Waltzing M-Matthews
Who'll come a waltzing M-Matthews with me?
And he said as he watched and waited till his billy boiled
Who'll come a waltzing M-Matthews with me.

Rolf Harris <rolf@animalhospital.oz>
UK
Thursday 4 October 2001 7:52:18 GMT
Tsk! Tsk! James! You really should know the difference between "effect" and "affect" by now - especially when writing "advice of the week". If you persist in making such errors I shall have no option but to force the council to demolish you.

(Not) Yours, Sir Toppham-Hat

Sir Toppham-Hat <fat.controller@thomas_th e_tank-engine.com>
Cantabridgia, Oxoniensis, UK
Monday 1 October 2001 11:55:15 GMT
New Matthews. New Danger.

P.S. My apologies for my previous entry, which was circumvented by my pressing the wrong button. Our next manifesto will contain a pledge to force James Matthews to allow people to edit their entries before finally submitting them, in case they hit the "submit" button too early, by mistake. We further pledge that failure to comply with this instruction will result in the dodgy hand rail being used against Mr. Matthews.

Iain Duncan-Smith <IDS@tory.org>
Westminster, SW1 1AA, UK
Wednesday 26 September 2001 15:03:54 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
Iain Duncan-Smith <IDS@tory.org>
UK
Wednesday 26 September 2001 15:00:26 GMT
Can you hear the drums James Matthews
I remember long ago another starry night like this
In the firelight James Matthews
You were humming to yourself and softly strumming your guitar
I could hear the distant drums
And sounds of bugle calls were coming from afar

They were closer now James Matthews
Every hour every minute seemed to last eternally
I was so afraid James Matthews
We were young and full of life and none of us prepared to die
And I'm not ashamed to say
The roar of guns and cannons almost made me cry

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, James Matthews
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, James Matthews
Though I never thought that we could lose
There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, James Matthews

Now we're old and grey James Matthews
And since many years I haven't seen a rifle in your hand
Can you hear the drums James Matthews?
Do you still recall the frightful night we crossed the Rio Grand
I can see it in your eyes
How proud you were to fight for freedom in this land

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, James Matthews
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, James Matthews
Though I never thought that we could lose
There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, James Matthews

There was something in the air that night
The stars were bright, James Matthews
They were shining there for you and me
For liberty, James Matthews
Though I never thought that we could lose
There's no regret
If I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, James Matthews
Yes, if I had to do the same again
I would, my friend, James Matthews...













ABBA
Scandinavia
Saturday 22 September 2001 21:08:12 GMT
I'm in the mood for Matthews
James Matthews

St. Zasper Zample
UK
Thursday 20 September 2001 21:01:18 GMT
Diet Matthews: You need it because you're WEAK!
Tango Man <jack_baldwin@dp.ox.ac.uk>
Eynsham, Oxon, UK
Monday 17 September 2001 22:28:25 GMT
When you're alone, and life is making you lonely
You can always call
Matthews

When you've got worries, all the noise and hurry
Seems to help, I know
Matthews

Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city,
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose? The lights are much brighter there...
You can forget all your troubles; forget all your cares, and be
Matthews -- things will be great when you're
Matthews -- you'll find a place for sure
Matthews -- everything's waiting for you

Matthews .... Matthews...

Don't hang around, and let your problems surround you,
There are Star Trek shows
Matthews

Maybe you know some little places to go to
Where they never close
Matthews

Just listen to the rhythm of a gentle Bossa Nova
You'll be dancing with 'em too before the night is over,
Happy again...
The lights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles; forget all your cares, and go
Matthews -- where all the lights are bright
Matthews -- waiting for you tonight
Matthews -- you're gonna be all right now...

Matthews...Matthews...Matthews...

Matthews!

Matthews!

And you may find somebody kind to help and understand you;
Someone who is just like you and needs a gentle hand to
Guide them along...
So maybe I'll see you there,
We can forget all our troubles; forget all our cares, and go
Matthews -- things will be great when you're
Matthews -- don't wait a minute more
Matthews -- everything's waiting for you...

Matthews...Matthews
Matthews...Matthews
Matthews...Matthews
Matthews...Matthews
Matthews...Matthews

Petula Clarke
UK
Monday 17 September 2001 17:52:22 GMT
Mon homme aine est un Matthews
Il porte une chapeau de 'Rhino'
Il porte un pantalon capacieus
Et il habite dans une maisonette de Wadham. Oi!

Lusty Lizzie
UK
Thursday 13 September 2001 19:20:33 GMT
Je ne veux pas travailler,
Je ne veux pas dejeuner,
Je veux seulement Mattheeeeeeeeews,
Et puis je fume.

Pink Martini <pink@pinkmartini.com>
C'est magnifique, être sympathique,, n'est pas?
Thursday 13 September 2001 9:32:16 GMT
Relight my Matthews
Your ***** is my only desire

Munchkin
UK, I think
Wednesday 12 September 2001 17:08:35 GMT
Tu es mon Matthews
mon seulement Matthews
tu me rendent heureux quand les cieux sont gris
vous ne sauront jamais que James combien je t'aime
s'il vous plait n'enlevent pas mon Matthews

Munchkin
UK
Wednesday 5 September 2001 17:19:23 GMT
Dear Mr. Matthews,

As a chef, I'm always looking for new recipes, and I am particularly keen to know how you poach protons. Can you scramble, fry and boil them too?

Aarrr! Aarrr! Aarrr! Aarrr! Boil a proton!

Mr. N. Chef

The Naked Chef <chef@naked.com>
Bertie Bassett, Bassett Green, Southampton
Sunday 2 September 2001 22:05:53 GMT
"Live a little, laugh a little." How? Read Bob's Guestbook.
Mr. Helpful <wadh0298@bellatrix.pcl.ox.ac.uk>
Oxbridge, Oxbridgeshire, UK
Monday 27 August 2001 17:46:15 GMT
"Laugh a little, live a little". And you give a beautiful description of sunbeams as well. So why are you sitting indoors writing that on a computer?

Ped Ant <ped.ant@don.com>
Boston, Gibraltar, Near Solihull
Monday 27 August 2001 16:56:50 GMT
Whinge of the weak: "I wish I was stronger!"
Wee Kling <wee.kling@china.com>
Beijing, Beijing Province, China
Friday 24 August 2001 13:36:43 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
http://www.guestmall.com

joe smith <smithjoe@hotmail.com>
la, ca, us
Tuesday 21 August 2001 1:19:24 GMT
Whinge of the week: It is very irritating when people claim to maintain an "of the week" section in their website, yet don't update it at the weekend as they should.
James Matthews <wadh0300@ermine.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxfordshire, UK
Monday 13 August 2001 9:09:46 GMT
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts!
Bob the Builder <bob@bobthebuilder.com>
Bobsville, Bobshire, UK
Sunday 12 August 2001 17:31:17 GMT
whazzzzzzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa <aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa>
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaaaaaap?
Wednesday 25 July 2001 16:29:24 GMT
remember you're a womble!
tobermory <tobermory@wombles.co.uk>
wimbledon, london, UK
Tuesday 17 July 2001 11:46:21 GMT
Your homepage is SUCKS, on the grand scale of TURDS.
Wo-Hen Nankan <asianprince213@yahoo.com>
Los Angeles, California, USA
Saturday 14 July 2001 2:57:59 GMT
http://cgi.custelec.force9.co.uk/stjames/guestbook.htmUnited Nations High Commissioner for Human Rights Critical http://expage.com/05232001evidence see http://expage.com/05152001evidence see http://expage.com/05142001evidence Walter Tribe refuses to be taunted any more 5-15-01 Sylmar Scandel CA USA

CRITICAL EVIDENCE FOR FBI ORGANIZED CRIME UNIT 05-05-2001

w tribe http://www.modelmodel.com <lapdonline@earthlink.net>
la, ca, UK
Saturday 14 July 2001 1:51:01 GMT
"Don't beat about the bush" you say. I quite agree. Better to dive right on into it!

- Lusty Lizzie

Lusty Lizzie <crumpet@sexbomb.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxfordestershire, OK
Sunday 8 July 2001 17:37:16 GMT
Me want SUGAR! S-U-G-A-R! Me eat sugar, direct from sachets! Mmmm!!! Yummy!
James Matthews, Sugar Monster <wadh0300@ermine.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 24 June 2001 17:04:06 GMT
I was horrified, on perusing your guestbook earlier today, to come across the
libellous outpourings of the "BobGuestbook Fanclub". Lady Fortescue-Smythe is
NOT the treasurer of this organisation (to the best of my knowledge) but is a
founding member of the Bob Matthews Appreciation Society. The ludicrous
fabrication is clearly revealed by the statement that she expressed the opinion
that you "may be slightly batty". Lady Fortescue-Smythe would obviously say
nothing of the sort.

P.S. Your "of the week' section this week is almost unreadable. Do please keep
up those English grammar lessons. (Oh, and try reading comments in your
guestbook before replying to them in future, so that your replies make sense, also.)

P.P.S. Please tell me more about your time at Radio Caroline.

P.P.P.S. I am relatively confident that Lady Fortescue-Smythe does not enjoying
being whipped, although she has always ensured that the Manor's dungeons are
kept in proper working order. (She even got the staff to replace a dodgy
handrail, on the staircase leading into the dungeons, recently.)

Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 17 June 2001 23:09:07 GMT
THANK YOU, Mr. Matthews, for your most excellent guestbook, and your "of the week" series, both of which bring light to our lives. We don't know why you bother either (Lady Fortescue-Smythe, our treasurer, even thinks you may be slightly batty), but we are grateful.

(Incidentally we wholehartedly rejected Lady Fortescue-Smythe's suggestion that you were batty, and as is customary in our society, issued the standard punishment of 50 lashes to be doled out by the society's secretary, Sir Toppham-Hat. Interestingly, Lady Fortescue-Smythe seemed to enjoy this.)

BobGuestbook Fanclub <fanclub@bobguestbook.com>
Fancy Road, Poole, UK
Sunday 17 June 2001 20:53:57 GMT
Singe of the week: don't hold lighted matches close to your hair.
Don't Play With Matches Albatross <don't.play@with-matches.com>
Firesville, Arizona, USA
Sunday 17 June 2001 20:47:33 GMT
Where is whinge of the week? Can I be it?
Right where it ought to be. Can it be what?
Jon
UK
Saturday 16 June 2001 18:20:09 GMT
Hey James you great big hunk of manhood, I'm still waiting for you to come and have your wicked way with me!

Yours (always), Lusty Lizzie.

Lusty Lizzie <lusty@tart.com>
Shagville, Lustshire, UK
Wednesday 30 May 2001 23:27:46 GMT
Alawys do anything that is dangerous or illegal. Never poach protons. Never point out dodgy handrails. Always write webpages that are HTML 4.01 Strict and CSS compliant. Never get hit by a bus.
The Anti-Bob <notbob@notwadham.notox.notac.no tuk>
Trinity College, Cambridge, UK
Saturday 26 May 2001 11:45:29 GMT
My butler, who also serves as Fortescue Manor's computer manager, has asked me
to relay a request. He is puzzled by your page "illegal.html". He tells me that
(and I quote) "it's neither HTML 4.01 Strict nor CSS compliant". I'm not
entirely sure what he means by this, but I suspect that it is
dangerous, and quite possibly illegal too. Could you fix this, please? He seems
to have calmed down a little on finding a "proper" version at
http://bellatrix.pcl.ox.ac.uk/~ben/illegal.html, but for a while he was
muttering about it being "your responsibility". He was so perturbed that he
forgot about the dodgy handrail on the staircase leading to the servants'
quarters, and almost slipped and broke his neck. The well-being of my butler
lies in your hands, sir. (P.S. I am intrigued by the possible uses of dodgy
handrails in Shaolin Kung Fu - please elaborate.)

Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Tuesday 22 May 2001 21:36:53 GMT
"An apple a day keeps your greengrocer happy" - but only if you pay for it. Otherwise your greengrocer may have to resort to the shotgun he keeps behind the counter. My case comes up next week, but I maintain that it was self-defence - an apple is a dangerous weapon in the wrong hands.
Gareth the Greengrocer <gareth@greengrocer.com>
Wrexham, Wales, UK
Saturday 19 May 2001 15:54:57 GMT
I did the same a-levels as you and I got better results but was rejected from oxbridge. I don't mind though because i would never have fitted in. I like star trek too - thats how i found your site. You seem like a decent guy - i wish i could have known people like you when i was growing up - then perhaps i wouldn't have learnt to hate humans so much.
live long and prosper!

David <david.callinan@lineone.net>
Sheffield, England, UK
Saturday 19 May 2001 1:41:02 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things. (This approximation is only true for suitably small values of "adequate". Typically, its reliability breaks down when adequate > 0.02)
Mathmo <mathmo@maths.soton.ac.uk>
Soton, ac, uk
Thursday 3 May 2001 12:06:06 GMT
Hello. It's me, Dave. You don't know me. At least, you didn't.
David Wilson <mega3dmonster@calx.co.uk>
Lewes, Sussex, UK
Thursday 3 May 2001 8:55:57 GMT
Hiya!
Matt <mtaw@hotmail.com>
UK
Thursday 3 May 2001 8:54:31 GMT
Cool site!
Piglet <piglet.pig@usa.net>
London, London, UK
Thursday 3 May 2001 8:53:24 GMT
Your homepage is more or less than adequate, on the grand scale of things.
Richard Baxter <r@richardbaxter.co.uk>
Leigh on Sea, Essex, UK
Thursday 3 May 2001 8:52:10 GMT
Dear Bob,

I need some repair works done on Bursledon Manor (the ancient stonework is crumbling, you see), and my good friend Sir Toppham-Hat suggested you might be able to do them for me. To be precise the conversation went like this:

Me: I say, TH, do you know anyone that could repair Burlsedon Manor for me?
TH: As a matter of fact I do, MS - try Bob Matthews, the builder.
Me: Bob, the builder? Can he fix it?
TH: Bob the builder: yes he can!

So there you go. Please report to Bursledon Manor at 9am on Monday morning. My butler will show you what needs to be done. Don't go strolling through the grounds looking for protons to poach though - I've told my gamekeeper to use lethal force to apprehend you should you try.

Yours, Lord Mountbatten-Squire.

Lord Mountbatten-Squire <lms@bursledon-manor.com>
Bursledon Manor, Bursledon Windmill, UK
Saturday 28 April 2001 16:01:13 GMT
what no 'tip of the week' over easter? how do you expect us to get on with our lives?
moaning minnie <minnie@moaning.com>
oxford, UK
Monday 23 April 2001 12:27:10 GMT
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Ah, that's better. Just wanted to get that out of my system.
Hope you don't mind!

mcbrie <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
cheeseton, cheese county, cheeseland
Monday 23 April 2001 7:46:43 GMT
After reading your comment about sheds, I remembered that Do It All were doing some special offers on sheds: What's The Big Deal, Bob? Don't forget: a shed is for life.

Happy Easter to all guestbook readers!

- Kermit

Kermit The Frog (Proud to be a muppet) <kermit@henderson-animations.com>
Miss Piggy, Oscar the Grouch, UK
Monday 16 April 2001 20:22:34 GMT
Jeezuz Matthews, that chloroform you stuck up your hanus must have worked its way to your brain before you wrote the Garden Shed monologue.
Ronson's quick dry woodstain
UK
Saturday 14 April 2001 18:05:20 GMT
pants...
Mr P. Ants <pants@pants.com>
Pantsville, Y-frontsoming, Pants
Wednesday 11 April 2001 15:50:13 GMT
Thanks for visiting my home page and looking in my guestbook. Now you can come to my annual lecture at Southampton University! (Of course I don't give it - I'm much too good for that sort of thing. Each year I invite a pleb to do it for me. This year I've got the head of Winchester College. Quite a good college but I understand the local state sixth form is better.)

Thursday 17 May 2001 at 5.30pm: The Sir James Matthews Lecture

Dr Nick Tate, Headmaster of Winchester College (Formerly Chief Executive of the Qualifications and Curriculum Authority)

"Culture, Identity and the Purposes of Education"

Physics Lecture Theatre A, Southampton University.


I look forward to seeing you there.

- Sir James Matthews

Sir James Matthews <sir.bob@matheeeeeeeeews.com>
Southampton, Hants, UK
Monday 9 April 2001 22:34:18 GMT
Aaarrr! Aaarrr! Aaarrr! Aaarrr! Poach a tank-engine!
Sir Toppham-Hat <toppham-hat@thomas.tankengine.co m>
Toppham-Hat Manor, Surrey, UK
Monday 9 April 2001 22:19:15 GMT
Very interesting 'of the week' section this week. Have you been taking something?
Mike <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
Einhoven, Noord Brabant, The Netherlands
Wednesday 4 April 2001 13:01:54 GMT
Aaargh! I am going mad.... I can't stand the pressure anymore. It's all too much for me. Save me, save me.
jonathan faiz <jonathan.faiz@robinson.dp.ox.ac .uk>
toytown,
Monday 2 April 2001 15:39:40 GMT
PS...

APRIL FOOL!!

:-D (I was only joking, Sir Bob; you never get on my nerves. Honest.)

Lord Mountbatten-Squire <lms@bursledon-manor.com>
Bursledon Manor, Burseldon Windmill, UK
Sunday 1 April 2001 12:11:46 GMT
People who write long sentences with no commas which juxtapose what should really be two separate sentences into one making the meaning of the sentence hard to decipher perhaps because they've spent too long gazing at the moon or possibly living there really get on my nerves sometimes.

Yours faithfully (I'll always be faithful to you, Sir Bob),

Lord Mountbatten-Squire of Bursledon Manor

Lord Mountbatten-Squire <lms@bursledon-manor.com>
Bursledon Manor, Bursledon Windmill, UK
Sunday 1 April 2001 12:10:07 GMT
In answer to the previous request, I can state that my research group does
indeed have a UV lamp, which you would be more than welcome to borrow. We'll
need it back soon though, as we're working on our tans at the mo. Cheers.

Keith Richards <keith@hotmail.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Saturday 31 March 2001 22:53:24 GMT
Does anyone have a UV lamp I could borrow? (This message has also been cross-posted to alt.sex.orange-rubber-full-body-suit-fetish, comp.os.linux and ox.general)

- Many thanks, Hazza

Harry Anderson (ahem sorry Harry Accenture) <harry@dp.ox.ac.uk>
Oxoniensis, Oxfordsestershire, UK
Saturday 31 March 2001 22:34:10 GMT
In case of meeting someone with a strange fetish over the weekend, might I borrow your orange full-body rubber suit please?
Lusty Lizzie <lizzie@lusty.com>
Toytown, Playshire, UK
Saturday 31 March 2001 20:58:36 GMT
Well James, I have just attended the Yorkshire Region graduation ceremony for Open University graduates. I had a lovely time, shame all the footpaths have been closed. But when I move to Geneva these problems will be a mere memory from the distant past.
I have a challenge for you. Not the care of my cats as they have disappeared, a bit strange? However, the challenge is: In Star Trek where does Capt James T Kirk AKA William Shatner; did you see him on So, Graham Norton. Sorry I was a little carried away, where does he split the infinitive?
Send my regards to Craig Knott.

To boldly go...
Sir John Daniels
Milton Keynes, UK
Saturday 31 March 2001 19:30:09 GMT
In case of inclement weather over the weekend, might I borrow your orange full-body rubber suit please?
jonathan faiz <jonathan.faiz@robinsonlab.dp .ox.ac.uk>
toytown,
Friday 30 March 2001 15:01:18 GMT
Signing Bob's Guestbook? No! Investment Trusts? Yes! Companies... that invest in other companies! Has signing Bob's Guestbook made millions of pounds for thousands of companies? Not jovial comment writing... investment trusts! Come on... this is important!
Richie Rich <rich@pots-o-money.com>
Salisbury, Wiltshire, UK
Wednesday 28 March 2001 17:40:39 GMT
Dear James,

I am writing to plead with you not to poach protons on my manor for the next few months. It's this dastardly foot-and-mouth outbreak you see... if you go stomping around poaching protons you'll doubtless spread it to my flock of prize-winning sheep. As an incentive for you to comply I have given my gamekeeper strict instructions to use lethal force against anyone found on my land. So you see, if you do stray onto Bursledon Manor, your last words may well be "aaarrrggghh! aarrrgggghh! aaarrrrgghh! aaarrrrrggghh! I poached a proton!"

Yours (totally) sincerely,

Lord Mountbatten-Squire

Lord Mountbatten-Squire
Bursledon, Hampshire, UK
Monday 26 March 2001 8:27:37 GMT
Am I still barred from writing to your guestbook.
If that was a question then no.
Me
UK
Sunday 25 March 2001 18:58:04 GMT I say, it's been a bit quiet here lately hasn't it?
Phil McRacken <phil@hotbot.com>
Three Mile Bottom, Bucks, UK
Thursday 22 March 2001 14:39:11 GMT
I know the 28 days has expired. I have had more pressing matters to attend to, such as preparing for my new post as head of UNESCO in Geneva. I have taken a great deal of thought about the OU Star Trek society and have decided not to persue legal action. However, as I am moving to Geneva very soon, would you be interested in buying my two lovely cats. You see, they won't adjust to their new surroundings in Geneva and seeing how close Oxford is to Milton Keynes I hoped you might be interested.
Sir John Daniel
Milton Keynes, UK
Tuesday 13 March 2001 10:37:54 GMT
Lick me out, Matthews muncher.
Leon
UK
Sunday 11 March 2001 2:12:58 GMT
Tip of the week:
Make sure you know who you are getting into.

Lusty Lizzie
UK
Tuesday 6 March 2001 13:36:50 GMT
Hello James you sizzling sex pot! I can think of several other uses for jam... would you like me to come round some time and demonstrate?

Yours (whenever you want me),

Lusty Lizzie

Lusty Lizzie <lusty@tart.com>
Southend, Essex, UK
Monday 5 March 2001 20:29:14 GMT
I'll have a "P" please Bob!
Spotty Teenage Nerd <spotty@nerd.com>
Gold Run, Blockbusters, UK
Sunday 25 February 2001 14:50:11 GMT
Cher M. Imposteur,

Je regrette que tu ne peut pas parler Francais. J'ai dit:

"I am going to trip you up. My ears expand when it rains. My hovercraft is full of eels. Yours sincerely, Shower Dustbin"

Comprends-tu, maintenant?

M. Poubelle

Douche Poubelle <douche.poubelle@grenouille.fr> ;
Calais, Picardie, France
Tuesday 20 February 2001 15:23:31 GMT
News has come to my ears that you have been reported as defaming a young lady, who shall remain nameless, by saying "She'll sit on anything, she will." How rude!!!
Disgusted
RoyalTunbridge Wells, Kent, UK
Tuesday 20 February 2001 15:04:25 GMT
I will make you a eighth note-paste. My orreilles increases when it rains. My hydroplane is full with enguilles. I request from you agreer Sir, the expression of my feelings destingues, Shower Dustbin
Douche Poubelle
UK
Tuesday 20 February 2001 13:28:13 GMT
Je vais te faire un croche-pate. Mes orreilles s'agrandisse quand il pleut. Ma hydroglisseur est plein d'enguilles.

Je vous prie d'agreer monsieur, l'expression de mes sentiments destingues,

Douche Poubelle

Monsieur Poubelle <douche.poubelle@hydroglisseur.co m>
Calais, Picardie, France
Sunday 18 February 2001 22:59:11 GMT
ah, many thanks, old bean
not-so confused anymore <noidea@whereami.cob>
flibble, flib-ble, flib
Wednesday 14 February 2001 17:19:59 GMT
I would like to apologise, on behalf of Oxford Bus Company, for the recent posting that appeared in this guestbook suggesting bus drivers should try harder to run down the proton poacher "James Matthews". This was posted by the leader of a rogue faction of the company, which is currently waging a guerilla war against us. We should like to remind our drivers of our company motto (for which we indebted to Mr. Matthews):

NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS DANGEROUS OR ILLEGAL!

Philip Davis <phil.davis@oxfordbus.co.uk>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 12 February 2001 17:49:12 GMT
Na een angstschreeuw over alle vreemde berichten schreef ik schielijk deze zin. Onleesbaar, uitgesponnen Maar Ik schreef Kunstmatig op Een verzoek.
Joris Meijer
Eindhoven, Noord-Brabant, Nederland
Monday 12 February 2001 11:03:58 GMT
Dear James,

Please could you enlighten me as to the nature of a 'postal stick'.

cheers

I meant strike.
confused <noidea@whereami.corn>
flibble, flib-ble, flib
Monday 12 February 2001 10:47:35 GMT
Notice to all Oxford bus drivers:

There will be an emergency meeting at 8pm in the Town Hall this Thursday to discuss more effective methods for running over the notorious proton poacher known only by the cryptic pseudonym of "James Matthews". All drivers are required to attend as your attempts to date have been unsatisfactory.

Oxford Bus Company <bus@juggernaut.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Saturday 10 February 2001 20:41:22 GMT
Thanks for loaning me that library book on Milton, James. You're a life saver! Let me know if there's anything I can do to repay your kindness.
- R.

R <you@know.sweetie!>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Saturday 10 February 2001 20:33:11 GMT

Thanks for visiting my home page and looking in my guestbook! Now you can work for me - look at the following:

Bernard Matthews is a dominant force in the UK and an increasingly
powerful presence in Europe. They are keen to talk to graduates who are
expecting or have a good degree and are interested in pursuing a career in
an exciting and fast moving environment. To find out more, please click on
the link below.

Bernard Matthews <bernard@bm.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Tuesday 6 February 2001 12:06:13 GMT
What's wrong with Cider and Black???
alky
Somewhere, Up North, UK
Monday 5 February 2001 16:50:06 GMT
As the vice chancellor of the Open University, sometimes affectionately known as the "OU", I had a spare minute during my busy day to surf the web. Imagine to my horror to discover your web page with a link to the "OU Star Trek Society" and the "OU Scientific society"!! This is very confusing for our students and would strongly recommend you make the necessary amendments. If this request is not met in 28 days, I will have no option than to contact our team of superior intelligent and by no means clever Solicitors.
Sir John Daniel <SirJohnthegloriousgorilla@ope n.ac.uk>
Milton Keynes, A United UK
Wednesday 31 January 2001 12:47:07 GMT
As the vice chancellor of the Open University, sometimes affectionately known as the "OU", I had a spare minute during my busy day to surf the web. Imagine to my horror to discover your web page with a link to the "OU Star Trek Society" and the "OU Scientific society"!! This is very confusing for our students and would strongly recommend you make the necessary amendments. If this request is not met in 28 days, I will have no option than to contact our team of superior intelligent and by no means clever Solicitors.
Sir John Daniel <SirJohnthegloriousgorilla@ope n.ac.uk>
Milton Keynes, A United UK
Wednesday 31 January 2001 12:46:35 GMT
this is a test of whether the line breaks
are being put in the correct position or
whether as I might or might not have
suspected they are in fact or perhaps not
in the correct place.

me <mine>
oxford, oxon, UK
Wednesday 31 January 2001 0:25:19 GMT Dear Mr. Matthews re Advice 2nd may 1998: 'Judicious use of a vacuum cleaner now and again can make your life so much better in the long run. ' Does this explain your inimitable walking style?
Squeaky gimp <squeaky@gimp>
UK
Monday 29 January 2001 10:47:45 GMT
Sir James Matthews - once again I am surprised and horrified by your lack of intelligence; not only can you not use the English language, you also appear to have severe problems with mathematics. In referring to the grammatical inaccuracies of your second sentence, I was actually talking about your second sentence and not, in fact, your fourth one. Please see that this inaccuracy is corrected at once. P.S. No sign of those hat pictures yet. Lady Fortescue-Smythe is becoming most insistent.
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 28 January 2001 14:41:15 GMT
Lady Fortescue-Smythe is very excited by your tip this week. She's demanding that you put some pictures of your good self, wearing a variety of hats, on your webpage. Please do so, as my good friend Sir Toppham-Hat is becoming worried by her recent behaviour towards him, and is considering cancelling his proton shoot next weekend. That would be a shame, as it promises to be a good shoot this year; his gamekeeper has been very efficient at stamping out proton poachers. P.S. We're not so impressed with your alternative "St. Hugh's" tips (as per the enclosed link). P.P.S. Why, after all these years, can you still not manage to ensure that the second sentence on your guestbook page is grammatically correct?
When this page was damaged by the large message about chips and peas I had to reconstruct it from a backup that was copied before I fixed that problem and I forgot to change it again.
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 28 January 2001 0:22:18 GMT
Copy cat behaviour that has no purpose of its own but only imitates the original is a waste of time and effort. Do something more original and stop wasting my time. ?????????????????????????
What? <matheeeeeeeeeeeeeews>
UK
Saturday 27 January 2001 23:31:12 GMT
James Matthews: I understand that as well as landscaping, you do irrigation. Do you do colonic irrigation? Yours desperately, Mr. Exlax
Dirty Bowels <poo@bowels.com>
Pooville, Faeceshire, UK
Friday 26 January 2001 21:07:22 GMT
PS.. We also do irrigation. THIS LINK ACTUALLY WORKS
James Matthews landscaping <mattheeeeeeeeeeeeeeews>
UK
Friday 26 January 2001 20:29:43 GMT
Hello from James Matthews landscaping. Perhaps we can pop round sometime and landscape an area of your choice - a stylish trim of the bush perhaps.
James Matthews landscaping <mattheeeeeeeeeews>
UK
Friday 26 January 2001 20:25:15 GMT
Dear Mr. Tram Driver, I am afraid that you are indeed hideously mistaken. As an authority on spelling (my brain, although small, is hardwired into the Oxford English Dictionary) I can confirm that the plural of omnibus is omnibuses. Clearly if you had learned to spell you might be doing something more than just driving trams these days. I would like to extend my congratulations to Mr. Matthews for apparently taking up the advice of my good friend The Spelling Bee, and buying a dictionary. Yours, The Spelling Wasp.
The Spelling Wasp <learn.to.spell@wasp.com>
Wasp's Nest, Hornetsville, In your loft
Wednesday 24 January 2001 23:13:41 GMT
Dear Master Matthews, and indeed Mr Bus Driver. Surely the plural of omnibus is omnibi? Or am I hideously mistaken??
Ye olde tramme driver <tram@blackpool.net>
Blackpool, Fylde, UK
Wednesday 24 January 2001 9:37:08 GMT
Please could you send me a signed photo, it'll make all my friends really jealous. Love and kisses on the bum.
Random Girl <girl@girly.girl>
Stockport, Belgium, UK
Tuesday 23 January 2001 14:05:00 GMT
Dear Mr.Matthews. Re: Whinge of the week. I think you have spelt the plural of omnibus incorrectly. If you do this again I shall be forced to knock you off your bike. Again.
Busses is a valid spelling but just for you I've changed it to buses.
A bus driver <bus@runyoudown com>
UK
Saturday 20 January 2001 22:59:00 GMT
Careful with that axe, Eugene...
P. Floyd <screaming@abdabs.com>

Thursday 18 January 2001 17:13:49 GMT
Bagpuss, dear Bagpuss Old fat furry cat-puss Wake up, and look at this thing that I bring Wake up, be bright, be golden and light Bagpuss, oh hear what I sing.
Emily <emily@emilyshouse.com>
Town, County, UK
Thursday 18 January 2001 15:15:08 GMT
A long time ago in a galaxy far away,

Actually it were just last Tuesday,

Behind the chip shop,

Anyroad,

There were this bloke right,

And he got to thinking,

He liked cheese,
He liked peas,
So he put them together,
And what did he get....

Well...

CHEESY-PEAS!

Big Cheese <cheeses@peas.com>
UK
Thursday 18 January 2001 12:09:42 GMT
eeeeeeeeeeee! eeeeeeeeeeeee!
Mice <Mice@emilyshouse.com>
town, county, UK
Thursday 18 January 2001 10:07:42 GMT
Dear James, That "chips and peas" (x 1000) comment in your guestbook is crap. I think you should make an exception to the new spirit of Glasnost and Perestroika in your guestbook, and delete the offending entry. At the very least, cut it a bit more - it's irritating when surfing your guestbook. Also, had you thought of having a search engine in your homepage? It would help surfers get to their favourite guestbook entries more quickly. Well, must go and collect my Nobel Peace Prize now. Byeee! - Gorby
Mikhail Gorbachev <micky@russia.cis>
Moskva, Russia, CIS
Tuesday 16 January 2001 21:06:54 GMT
You can't make chocolate biscuits out of butterbeans!
Professor Yaffle, the old wooden bookend <prof.yaffle@emilyshouse.com>
Town, County, UK
Tuesday 16 January 2001 17:18:35 GMT
Yawn!
Bagpuss <Bagpuss@emilyshouse.com>
Town, County, UK
Tuesday 16 January 2001 12:06:49 GMT
Greetings from James Matthews Elementary! I thought I should take the time to sign your guestbook, since we asked the children, for last semester's project, to write about a famous James Matthews. Over forty of them wrote about you - you've got quite a following here! They particularly enjoy your hilarious "Adventures of Bob" page, and they can't get enough of your "Superman" picture. I hope you don't mind, but we have an eight-foot blow-up of that picture in the main hall here. P.S. We'd love for you to come and meet the children...
Lawrence Helvey <helvey@juno.com>
James Matthews Elementary, AR, USA
Tuesday 16 January 2001 1:25:35 GMT
Well, well, I don't believe it. My communications centre here in Bursledon Manor has just detected that the guestbook has been restored to its former glory, for the enjoyment of future generations. May I be the first to congratulate you, Mr. Matthews, on this splendid action. I'm sure my good friend Lord Fortescue-Smythe would also like you congratulate you. Yours gratefully, Lord Mountbatten-Squire of Bursledon (formally "Worried of Bursledon" but now not worried any more).
Lord Mountbatten-Squire <ms@bursledon-manor.org>
Bursledon Manor, Bursledon, UK
Monday 15 January 2001 23:20:41 GMT
Sausage, egg and chips please!
Jeff <Englishman@new.delhi>
Jeff, UK
Monday 15 January 2001 16:26:21 GMT
Wall is gonna getcha! Wall is gonna getcha! Wall! Wall! Wall! Wall! Wall is gonna getcha... oh no... a trick... I'm about to plunge off a multi-storey car park into a canal.
Extremely nasty and vicious wall in Oxford <wall@nasty.com>
Oxford, Wadhamshire, Kebleland
Saturday 13 January 2001 13:11:13 GMT
Dear James,
We at Playboy feel that your site would become more popular if you exchanged 'Whinge of the week' with 'Minge of the week'.

Hugh Heffner <hugh@playboy>

Wednesday 10 January 2001 22:35:01 GMT
Dear Mr. Matthews I cannot help but notice your little comments in red on your email by my colleague, A prospective employer. It would appear that, in order to gain the upper hand you tried to take the piss out of his taking the piss out of your illiteracy. And failed miserably. In fact, you were wrong. I would, however, like to employ your Suzuki-coupling colleague who pointed out the mistake to you.
Another prospective employer <the.dole>
UK
Monday 8 January 2001 23:06:48 GMT
Ligeved og næsten slaar ingen mand af hesten. Og husk, vær ikke latterlig.
Ulrik Boas <uboas@yahoo.com>
Græse Bakkeby, DK
Monday 8 January 2001 10:58:54 GMT
I feel I should draw to Inspector Morse's attention the fact that he doesn not actually work in Oxford nick. I know he may think he does (indeed many people think that) but if you watch carefully you will notice that whenever he leaves the cop shop he is walking out of *Kidlington* police station, not Oxford police station as many might think. It is of great concern to me that he has not noticed this. It is also a matter of some amazement to me that he has returned from the dead to post messages in this guestbook. Or do they have an internet connection in heaven now? - Sergeant Lewis
Sergeant Lewis <sarge@oxfordshire-constabulary.gov>
Kidlington, Oxon, UK
Friday 5 January 2001 11:21:15 GMT
Also, don't let him show you the home video he has stashed in there.
Inspector Morse, again <morse@lonsdale.ox.ac.uk>
UK
Wednesday 3 January 2001 16:49:49 GMT
I think I should bring the fact that Mr. Matthews has a bedspread in his locker to the attention of any susceptible young (or old) females in the laboratory.
Inspector Morse <morse@oxfordnick.com>
UK
Wednesday 3 January 2001 16:48:19 GMT
Dear Mr. Matthews
Thank you for providing your CV on your webpage. I was particularly impressed by the way the links have changed from blue to grey. Is this on Dr. Buston's reccomendation - so the links don't detract from your fantastic array of life experiences.
P.S What is a totor? Perhaps advertising illiteracy via the information superhighway is not the best thing to impress a prospective employer.

Well Spotted. This was a typing error that I corrected, but obviously the update to the page was not saved and at the time I had no way to check it.
A recommendation to us both then, to be more careful. Wouldn't you agree?

A prospective employer <dss.com>
UK
Sunday 31 December 2000 11:16:26 GMT
Oh no! Somehow my last message got decapitated; my name etc. survived but my comment was removed. How bizzare! :-? I think it's a communist conspiracy... I shall monitor events closely from my communications centre here in Bursledon Manor. Yours, Worried (of Bursledon).
Worried <(of Bursledon)>
Bursledon, , UK
Friday 29 December 2000 16:57:08 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
oh dear, my name appears to be blank <flibble@flibblenet.com>
UK
Wednesday 27 December 2000 13:00:30 GMT
AAARRRRRGGGHH!!! Where's the guestbook gone? I get some strange error message whenever I click on the link.
Worried <of Bursledon>
Bursledon, State of Panic, Worryland
Saturday 23 December 2000 11:23:30 GMT
Matheeeeeeeeeeews - what has happened to your guestbook? I hope those naughty people in the Dyson Perrins haven't crashed it.
Again.

Jonny boy <B@C>
UK
Friday 22 December 2000 22:54:14 GMT
squEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEk
Munchkin <munchkin@wizard.oz>
UK
Tuesday 19 December 2000 16:24:56 GMT
I was horrified to read that your guestbook messages had been mysteriously wiped. Fortunately, however, one of the servants informed me that some kind soul maintains a mirror of your fine guestbook at http://geocities.datacellar.net/bobguestbook/. I was extremely grateful to find this link, and was able to reread some comments that I thought had vanished forever (many, in fact, were mysteriously deleted soon after they were posted). I'm sure the maintainer of the mirror would be more than happy to allow you to use it to restore your own guestbook. P.S. When did you move to St. Hugh's College?
I haven't moved to St. Hugh's
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Tuesday 19 December 2000 14:46:05 GMT
More to the point, who ate _my_ tea??
Peamonster <pea@chips.com>
Chipston, Lancs, UK
Tuesday 19 December 2000 14:19:39 GMT

Sorry to all those who posted messages. Unfortunately they have been wiped (not by myself). I hope nobody is too offended.

James
Who ate all the pies???
The Pie Piper <pieman@rsbiscuit.rs>
Hamlin, Piecestershire, Sweden
Tuesday 19 December 2000 14:14:15 GMT
Hmmm... looks like someone broke the guestbook with their "chips and peas" comment. :-( Surely they should have known that chips and peas is a poor alernative to CHIPS AND BEANS!! (Yum! yum!)
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, Hants, UK
Tuesday 19 December 2000 12:38:00 GMT
Given the remarkable variance in the numbers on your website counter, have you considered a career counting votes in American elections? Keep up the good work!
George Dubyer Bush <whereismypassport@whitehouse.org >
Washington, Columbia, Ramsbottom
Tuesday 19 December 2000 8:12:14 GMT
Advice: Frying protons is not a good idea, nor is boiling them: it only ruins their texture and leaches much of their goodness. Instead, you should always arrr arrr arrr arrr poach a proton.
Sir James Matthews <sir.bob@mattheeeeeeeeeeeeeeews. com>
Steeple Aston, Oxon, UK
Monday 18 December 2000 20:29:24 GMT
Normally, it's not nice to be a Number 2. But on this occasion, it's great! I'm PROUD to be "Visitor No. 2 since 3/10/99" to this homepage! The other visitor sure did write a lot in the guestbook...
Number 2 <2@2.com>
Twocester, Northants, UK
Monday 18 December 2000 19:05:45 GMT
Pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie, pie. Oh, and pie again
Mrs Miggins <mrsmiggins@thepieshop.com>
Melton Mowbray, Piecestershire, Pie
Monday 18 December 2000 12:23:47 GMT
Sausages!
Mr. Punch <punch@judy.com>
Blackpool, Pleasure Beach, UK
Monday 18 December 2000 13:24:26 GMT
When we are victorious on a world scale we shall use gold for the purpose of tiling the floors in public conveniences. Lick the Rod
Stalin <deadman@communist.com>
lenningrad, russia
Sunday 17 December 2000 23:30:18 GMT
Deseo hacer amante a sus clips de bicicleta, a su anorak y a su casco grande
santa <santa>
santa, santa, UK
Sunday 17 December 2000 19:49:31 GMT
Dear James, I have been a good boy this year, and I would therefore like the following presents: 1) A new sleigh, 2) A signed photo of you (Rudolph's a big fan of yours, you know), 3) A "decretive tree to boost my moral". I promise I'll be asleep when you come to visit me. Yours with love and hugs, Santa.
Father Christmas <santa@claus.com>
Lapland, Norway, Artic Circle
Saturday 16 December 2000 19:48:38 GMT
s***! Rumbled AGAIN, Our Kid
Mike <Mike@mike.mike>
Mikesville, Mikecestershire, Mike
Thursday 14 December 2000 8:46:05 GMT
Dear James, please check the letter that I have left on your desk. Best wishes and merry christmas. Santa
santa <santa@lapland.reindeer.com>
confidential, lapland
Wednesday 13 December 2000 11:50:07 GMT
According to your whinge of the week, you are "fast running towards a position of not caring any more". Why not try fast running towards a position just a few feet off the end of a pier. It's a liberating experience, I can tell ye!
Very funny Mike
Robbie Codtraine <r.c@aqua.lung>
atlantis, dogger bank,
Tuesday 12 December 2000 10:36:10 GMT
flibble
flibble <flibble>
flibble, flibble, flibble
Monday 11 December 2000 16:47:56 GMT
I'll be back
Arnold Schwarzzzanneggor <arnie@predator.com(munist)>
Stockholm, Werderlsburgh, UK
Monday 11 December 2000 16:46:14 GMT
testing again
Oxford, here, UK
Sunday 10 December 2000 12:12:49 GMT
Test entry
me <wadh0300@sable.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxfordshire, UK
Sunday 10 December 2000 11:52:48 GMT
After a chase lasting seven hours Don Francisco was captured by H M brigantine Griffon. The vessel was found to be in near sinking state, was condemned but later re-registered as James Matthews. James Matthews left London for Fremantle on 28 March 1841 with a cargo of 7 000 stone roofing slates, farm implements, general goods, three passengers, and fifteen crew.
I really ought to delete this since the methods used to post it here were completely unorthadox.
Bob Richards <bob.richards@museum.wa.gov.au> ;
The Wreck of the James Matthews, Woodman Point, Australia
Saturday 9 December 2000 20:21:47 GMT
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyymmmmmmesssssss!
James <james@jam.es>
James, James, James
Saturday 9 December 2000 17:05:10 GMT
Mattheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeews
Matthews <matthews@matthews.matt.hews>
Matthews, Matthews, Matthews
Saturday 9 December 2000 14:37:10 GMT
Jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaames
James <james@james.jam.es>
James, James, James
Friday 8 December 2000 23:30:23 GMT
Matheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeews
Matthews <matthews@matthews.matth.ews>
Matthews, Matthews, Matthews
Friday 8 December 2000 21:10:35 GMT
Oh dear, Mr. Gore... once again you have proved yourself inadequate to be President by not including a question mark at the end of your question. And I have proved myself to be an impostor by not talking complete and utter crap.
George W. Bush <guvnor@texas.gov>
Oxford, Topsy-Turvy-ville, Never-never-land
Thursday 7 December 2000 20:00:00 GMT
What is your password
Al Gore <Al@thewhitehouse.not>
Swindon, Alaska, UK
Thursday 7 December 2000 11:49:36 GMT
Weed says that you're not very good at progamming, and a bit dim.
Bill <Bill@ben.com>
garden, flowerpot, USSR
Wednesday 29 November 2000 11:52:14 GMT
"Be careful with pop tarts. They can often be too hot to handle." (From the Book of Bob) The hyperlink below should prove this point...
Patrick R. Michaud <pmichaud@pobox.com>
Strawberry, Pop Tart, UK
Saturday 11 November 2000 0:02:37 GMT
Be careful with pop tarts. They can often be too hot to handle as David Beckham is finding about Posh...
sheepish <baa@hotmail.com>
UK
Tuesday 7 November 2000 9:11:47 GMT
I agree with Mr. McBrie - cycling for 23 hours must be horrendous. Longest stretch I ever did was 6 hours continuously, in the middle of the night, with no lights, whilst drunk. An impressive feat I hope you'll agree, but nothing compared to a 23 hour epic pedalathon.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, Southamptonshire, UK
Thursday 2 November 2000 21:13:59 GMT
Don't say it; "Don't be ridiculous!!!!"
mc brie <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
blah, blah, blah
Thursday 2 November 2000 9:17:12 GMT
Oh dear, I'm sorry to hear you had to cycle for 23 hours. I'd be whingeing too, as well as having a sore botty!
mc brie <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
wensleydale, Cheesetoncestershire, the Moon
Thursday 2 November 2000 9:14:54 GMT
Dear Sir Matthews, Once again I find myself writing my near-weekly letter to attempt to educate you in the usage of the language some of us call "English". Understanding is improved by distinguishing the complicated difficult-to-use word "of" from "or". Secondly "of" and "off" are, in fact, also two completely separate words. Finally, "its" sometimes contains an apostrophe, but not always - how confusing! P.S. I don't understand your advice about remembering where items are, or the need to "tidy" rooms. Isn't that what servants are for? Golly, if it were up to me, I might end up sleeping in the same room in Fortescue Manor twice in one year!
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 23 October 2000 23:37:18 GMT
Tip of the week: It is much more useful to have two sheds than one, especially when you have a lot of stuff to put in them. It is also common courtesy not to delete someone's entry into your guestbook, when the entry does not have a "deliberately disguised name" / "obviously fake email address" nor is it "offensive".
Arthur Jackson <arthur.k.jackson@btinternet.com>
Nottingham, Notts, UK
Sunday 22 October 2000 10:33:01 GMT
Tip of the week: It is much more useful to have two sheds than one, especially when you have a lot of stuff to put in them.
Arthur Jackson <arthur.k.jackson@btinternet.com>
Nottingham, Notts, UK
Saturday 21 October 2000 15:03:18 GMT
I should just like to take the opportunity to point out that "knew" and "new" are, in fact, two completely different words. Secondly, this week's "tip" makes no grammatical sense whatsoever. I feel that you, as a speaker to the masses, should be endeavouring to educate the common folk, rather than filling their simple minds with inaccurate English usage. Please see to it that abominations such as this week's productions do not appear on your page in future; Lady Fortescue-Smythe came over all faint after reading it this week.
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 16 October 2000 18:17:31 GMT
Whinge of the week: It is very irritating when people open another tube of toothpaste before the first one has been used up.
Stuart Jackson <sjack@bg.co.uk>
Nottingham, Notts, UK
Monday 16 October 2000 17:49:35 GMT
Advice: Cutlery is a wonderful thing. We take it for granted yet without it life would be much more difficult, and far more messy. For one thing, the greater demands placed on our teeth would shorted their lifespan. Also, eating in the presence of other people would be an unpleasant affair. Trying to eat liquids such as custard without the aid of a spoon would be well nigh impossible, of course. Looking back over history, cutlery has had a much bigger impact than we might have realised before now. How many important economic and political deals might never have been agreed if the conveners of them couldn't bear to be in one another's presence due to disgusting eating habits owing to the lack of cutlery? Cutlery is a wonderful thing, and we are very lucky to have it. Without it, we might well still be living in the Stone Age.
Elinor Jackson <elinor56@hotmail.com>
Nottingham, UK
Tuesday 10 October 2000 22:48:39 GMT
I know this message won't last long, but I figure that if I post here the fact that I am leader of the Lib Dems, at least one person will see it before it gets scrubbed, and then I'll have doubled the number of people that know who I am. Thank you Bob - you're my hero! Yours, Chas.
Charles Kennedy <chas@libdems.org.uk>
Yeovil, Somerset, UK
Friday 22 September 2000 14:21:25 GMT
Is life so wonderful that you have nothing to whinge about this week, Mr. Matthews? Surely the fuel crisis must have annoyed you in some way? Your bestest friend with love, hugs and kisses, Mr. P.
Michael Portillo <mike@tory.org>
Kensington and Chelsea, London, UK
Friday 22 September 2000 11:54:09 GMT
Thoroughly enjoyed your whinges. Keep up the good work, mate. A whinge is a beautiful thing.
Spunkyboy62 <a_betterman10@hotmail.com>
Grand Rapids, Michigan, USA
Tuesday 19 September 2000 13:48:29 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
lunar <lunar@lunarium.rus>
craterville, UK
Sunday 17 September 2000 11:59:41 GMT
whatever. nice try bud
rosey <goldy@hotmail.com>
evil ville, Sin city, Planet X
Wednesday 13 September 2000 1:37:51 GMT
James, James, James. You should be at work plotting the communist overthrow of the British Government, not taking long holidays. If you don't do 75 hours plotting this week I shall be forced to use the dodgy handrail against you. Yours, Mr. BigBadBosski.
Vladimir Topolski <vlad@impaler.com>
Stalingrad, Russia, CIS
Sunday 3 September 2000 12:41:21 GMT
James, James, James! You should be in the lab working, not taking long holidays. If you don't do 65 hours in the lab this week I shall be forced to get the dodgy handrail out. Yours, Dr. BigBadBoss.
Harry Anderson <hazza@ermine.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxen, OK
Sunday 3 September 2000 12:38:14 GMT
How do you fit 150 pikachu onto a bus? Pokemon!!!!!!
Gluteus Maximus <GM@hotmail.com>
Ass-ton, Ass-ton Spumante, UK
Saturday 2 September 2000 22:36:05 GMT
Tobermory and Uncle Bulgaria told me to sign in and tell you to hurry back to the common as there is a truckload of rubbish that needs to be wombled. P.S. if you come across any of those effing Gummy Bears on your way back here give them a good hiding from me - I really hate them. Yours with love and snogs, Your darling Orinocco
Orinocco <Wombles@wimbledon.org.y>
London, London, UK
Saturday 2 September 2000 22:31:40 GMT
Hello James, finally got around to looking at your page. Interesting...
Steph <steph__mclean@hotmail.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Saturday 2 September 2000 22:27:13 GMT
Dear Bob: My good friend Lord Fortescue-Smythe and I were planning a proton shoot this weekend at Fortescue Manor, and I am therefore writing to warn you against poaching protons in the woodland around Fortescue Manor this week. The gamekeeper has been given strict instructions to apprehend anyone found poaching a proton, and may, if he deems it necessary, use a dodgy handrail against them. Thank you for your attention. (Not) Yours, Sir Toppham-Hat
Sir Toppham-Hat <toppham-hat@thomas.tankengine.co m>
Toppham-Hat Manor, Surrey, UK
Monday 31 July 2000 19:44:09 GMT
I wish to complain about your lamentable grasp of the English language; perhaps rather than complaining about dropping pencils, you should dispense with writing implements altogether and read a dictionary instead? Here's a tip to get you going: apostrophes are never used to indicate plurals. P.S. Since you refused to correct the faults with your page when viewed with Internet Explorer, we've had to replace that software here in Fortescue Manor with Netscape. Lady Fortescue-Smythe couldn't bear to read the page without your cheery picture on it, you see.
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 24 July 2000 19:03:14 GMT
Don't now how i got to your page, I was only trying to find out Winterbourne earl's school address!!!!!!!!
Mart <mmproductions96.hotmail.com>
Salisbury, Wiltshire, UK
Thursday 13 July 2000 20:14:23 GMT
I feel I must back up my good friend Sir Peter in the matter of indexes and contents. While you may have changed one link to read "main page" links elsewhere on the site still refer to it as the "index page". Calling it the "main" page is also a misnomer, as the main page of the site varies with the individual. In my case, the guestbook is the "main page", yet the link does not take me there. Secondly, this may be a feature I'm unfamiliar with - Fortescue Manor has only had a computer for six months or so - but why does your page, unlike millions of others, pop up a little window saying "Script error" whenever I look at it? Finally, I must say the new "blank rectangle" picture is a great improvement. (P.S. It's no good just refusing to reply to the emails from Bob Kerstein's lawyers; they'll contact you in person soon enough.)
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Tuesday 11 July 2000 1:18:05 GMT
Bob, I must say I love the way that when one clicks on the photo of you in the left hand frame, it becomes full size *in the left hand frame*. It allows me to play the fun game of "scroll Bob's head across the frame", though I don't do it too often for fear of having nightmares. One advantage of having it full size is that I can see the background - and frankly Mr. B it looks like a prison cell. Did you get caught one night whilst poaching protons? BTW thanks for renaming your index page as 'main page' - much appreciated. Ta, Gumby
Gumby - oh no sorry - Mr. Peter May <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Mansbridge, Southampton, UK
Monday 10 July 2000 22:30:23 GMT
Hey Bob-a-job! Just thought I'd see if this host has been banned too.
Enid Blyton <enid@aol.com>
Enchanted Forest, Never Never Land, UK
Monday 10 July 2000 22:25:12 GMT
Bob you COMMUNIST! You can't just go around supressing freedom of speech by banning certain hosts from submitting to your guestbook! And here's why you can't - we'll find a way around it!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA! PS DON'T remove the no-frames version of your home page. That would be foolish.
D. Isgruntled <pstoff@somewhere.out.there>
Moskva, Russia, CIS
Friday 7 July 2000 11:38:53 GMT
Tell me, Mr. Matthews, if you can spot the difference between the two following quotations:- "Entries that as offensive will be deleted. Entries that have deliberately disguised names or obviously fake email addresses my be altered or deleted." ...and... "Entries that are offensive will be deleted. Entries that have deliberately disguised names or obviously fake email addresses may be altered or deleted." P.S. Why did you delete the communication from my friend Bob Kerstein? He's very upset about the lost revenue to www.bob.com as a result of your competing site, and I believe has already instructed his lawyers to contact you.
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 2 July 2000 15:56:00 GMT
Ben's home page. It's a descriptive, yet not very exciting, title. Limited edition link. Click now, before Bob whinges about it too much... Plus, some insane people demanded that I create this page.
Brian Lara <brian@windies.com>
Kingston, Jamaica, West Indies
Thursday 29 June 2000 17:29:52 GMT
Bob, whilst browsing your page I couldn't help but notice that you seem to have the words 'contents' and 'index' confused. Your 'contents' page is an alphabetical list of all the pages on the site - this is technically an *index* page. Furthermore, your 'index' page is really more of a list of *contents*. It should be corrected immediately (I think this is the computer manager's responsibility). Never mind, life will go on as it did before, unless of course you die? After all, you seem like a very tolerable man.
This would be the fault of those who set the internet standards so that the default main page was 'index.html' or some variation there of.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, UK
Monday 19 June 2000 19:01:33 GMT
Nice shoes! Nice haircut! Really? You're a tolerable man.
If you want this message to stay please email with your correct details. Otherwise it's out in a few days. Ben Webble <wadh298@sable.ox.ac.uk>
Foxord, Foxordshire, KU
Wednesday 7 June 2000 20:31:59 GMT
I'm afraid, Bob.com, that it will not be possible for Mr. Matthews (are we still allowed to call him that, or is that a breach of copyright?) to change his name to Bernard Matthews, as we already have the copyright on that name. (As does some turkey farmer who used to be in a lot of adverts but isn't anymore.) However, if Mr. wadh0300 (I presume that's not copyrighted) wishes to buy the rights to the name Bernard Matthews, we will be happy to sell our share of the rights for the knock-down price of £15,000. Yours, Lord Fortescue-Smythe (acting on behalf of Bernard Matthews).
Bernard Matthews <enquiries@bernardmatthews.co.uk>
Norwich, Norfolk, UK
Wednesday 31 May 2000 12:15:38 GMT
In followup to the comments of Mr. James Matthews, we should take time to point out that the copyright on the name "Bob", and thus all names incorporating this, has already been taken. (We are, in actuality, the proud holder). Therefore, we would strongly contest any move by you to change your name to Bob Matthews. Might we, in fact, suggest Bernard? (P.S. We've also heard that Lord Fortescue-Smythe is consulting with his lawyers over your illegal censorship of all references to him.)
Bob.com, the Internet's #1 Buyer and Seller of Old Stock and Bond Certificates <Bob@scripophily.com>
Falls Church, Virginia, US
Wednesday 31 May 2000 9:00:54 GMT
Dear James Matthews, As the real James Matthews we would like to sue you for illegal use of our name. Don't try the old 'I was born with it' routine on us 'cos we we've been around for 24 years which makes us older than you therefore we can claim the copyright on the James Matthews name. We therefore advise you to hold true to your maxim of 'NEVER DOING ANYTHING THAT IS DANGEROUS OR ILLEGAL' by changing your name to Bob Matthews, since there is no copyright on this name therefore owning it is not illegal. PS Why did you delete that message from Lord Fortescue-Smythe? He's an old school chum of mine.
James Matthews, Certified Public Accountants <info@jamesmatthews.com>
East Brunswick, New Jersey, US
Tuesday 30 May 2000 22:40:38 GMT
Ah, there you are my dear. I thought I'd find you snooping around Bob's page again. You should know by now, dear, that you should NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS DANGEROUS OR ILLEGAL.
Lady Fortescue-Smythe <lfs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 29 May 2000 22:59:00 GMT
People that maintain an apostrophe of the week page and then don't update it really annoy me. And don't you find it irritating when your bookmarks are password-protected and you then discover that the password isn't "Bob" like you thought it was?
Lord Fortescue-Smythe <fs@snooty.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 29 May 2000 14:30:21 GMT
Hi. What did you think of my quote. I was surprised there was no red writing. See ya.
Lunar <lunar@hotmail.com>
Harrogate, UK
Monday 15 May 2000 18:17:47 GMT
Buy a dictionary. (Is that better?)
Much, though what I really need is to learn to type accurately.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, UK
Friday 12 May 2000 12:13:11 GMT
I'm currently studying for a D.Phil. in Organic Chemistry at Wadham College, Oxford, having completed my four year undergraduate course, also at Wadham College. I am working in Dr. Harry Anderson's research group in the Dyson Perrins Organic Chemistry Laboratory. You are welcome to view my home page. If you want to see the creations of someone who is among the ranks of the worlds most sarcastic people, try looking at Ben's Home Page. His page has been up and running for a year longer than mine. Some of his sub pages are worth a look at just to see how sarcastic he really is. Amongst other things I am a member of the OU Star Trek society which I would recommend to any member of the university who is interested in Star Trek. I am also a member of the OU Scientific society which I would recommend to anyone interested in science. If you are a prospective employer then I would like to direct your attention to my CV, which I have added here for your convenience.
Captain Laser <gumby@ferret.lmh.ox.ac.uk>
Cyberspace, UK
Tuesday 9 May 2000 20:25:53 GMT
One day, a large group of people were waiting for the bus at a local Grey- hound station. At the front of the line was a very attractive woman dressed in a black business vest[sic], white blouse, leather miniskirt and high heels. As the bus pulled up and opened the door, she went to board it, but found that her skirt was too tight for her to raise her leg to the required height. Looking around and thinking quickly, she reaches behind her and undoes the zipper on the back of her skirt a little and then tries again. Again, she finds that she cannot manage the step, so once more she reaches behind her and unzips her skirt a little more. With a smile, she looks at the bus driver and tries to board again. She finds that she still can't step that high and so with exasperation and a sigh she unzips her skirt the rest of the way down. To her amazement, her leg still will not reach the bottom step. Finally, a very large Texan behind her gently grabs her by the waist, lifts her up and places her on the bus. The woman turns to the Texan and says furiously, "Who do you think you are to touch my body in that way? I don't even know you!" The Texan looks at her and replies, "Well, ma'am, after you unzipped my fly I thought we were pretty good friends."
Major J. Olly-Funny <majorjof@hotmail.com>
Axminster, Worcestershirefordshire, UK
Tuesday 9 May 2000 12:58:30 GMT
Are you truly English? Your lack of respect for the English language suggests, to my mind, that you are in fact one of those Colonials. I suggest you obtain a guide to grammar, and spend your day in its perusal.
Henry Arnold Le Feltier-Bassett <hlfb5@hotmail.com>
Kingston Bagpuize, Oxon, UK
Tuesday 9 May 2000 12:08:02 GMT
* - NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS DANGEROUS OR ILLEGAL - *
Nick Ross <crimewatch@bbc.co.uk>
London, Ken Livingstone, UK
Monday 8 May 2000 22:29:50 GMT
"Just because you can doesn't mean you should." Then again just because someone utters this sentence doesn't mean you shouldn't do what ever it is that you can do but they do not think you should. It might be that you can do something really stupid or dangerous, or that would hurt someone else. In this case you should listen to them. However, you need to follow your own judgement and decide whether your ability, and the actions you might carry out in expressing that ability, will cause hurt or harm to others. This is where you also need to exercise a degree of maturity and restraint in actually thinking things through properly before you embark on your chosen course of action. If you still think it is safe and harmless and they can't give any logical objections (try to be objective here) to your proposed course of action, then go for it.
Bernard Matthews <wadh0300@sable.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxon, Bootiful UK
Monday 8 May 2000 22:18:06 GMT
Seriously, learn to spell. You're letting the side down with your pathetic attention to detail. Call yourself a scientist?
The Spelling Bee <spelling.bee@magd.ox.ac.uk>
UK
Monday 8 May 2000 15:46:25 GMT
buy a dictionary A sentence with no initial capital letter or full stop. That's very interesting.
mike <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Monday 8 May 2000 15:40:11 GMT
testing
Tester <test@test>
UK
Sunday 30 April 2000 13:15:56 GMT
I used your advices and sice than my life is much better. Esp. those about roomate situation. Mine just left for New Zealand for a couple of years!
Tamar <tamrur@yahoo.com>
TA,
Monday 24 April 2000 11:27:39 GMT
Will you write a comment in red letters by this, Bob? Please? OK
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton (it's a city, not a town, Bob!), In fact, it's a unitary authority., UK
Tuesday 18 April 2000 12:18:29 GMT
Hi, I thought I would return to see if I was still on your guestbook. It is a compliment! Here is a new quote:If there's right in the soul, there will be beauty in the person, if there is beauty in the person, there will be harmony in the home, if there is harmony in the home, there will be order in the nation, if there is order in the nation, there will be peace in the world.
lunar <hullam@caw.net>
North Yorks., UK
Thursday 6 April 2000 17:19:03 GMT
Does this mean I get deleted now Bob? Maybe, I'll think about it.
brummie <brummie@wadham.ox.ac.uk>
Brum, West Midlands, UK
Friday 31 March 2000 22:21:12 GMT
You need to lighten up mate. One of me mates goes to wadham, he's called dan harrison, d'ya know him? Hope he doesn't know you! I do, but I'm quite glad I don't know you.
kool d <kooldirk@hotmail.com>
Leeds, West Yorkshire, UK
Thursday 23 March 2000 12:42:54 GMT
Woah! New photo! Awesome! Is the old one still available on the web? (Just curious...) BTW, I have a joke for your joke of the week. It goes as follows: "Q: What goes up and down, up and down, up and down? A: The number of hits registered by your visitor counter!" Tee hee! Gosh, aren't I a tease?! I wonder if that might have something to do with someone hitting it over a thousand times in less than an hour and my deleting that.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, (Unitary Authority, thicky!), UK
Sunday 12 March 2000 18:08:46 GMT
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things.
MC Brie <mcbrie@hotmail.com>
UK
Saturday 11 March 2000 20:41:25 GMT
I, at least, am not an organic chemist, quote Karl Marx. Good luck with your research. Thanks, I think.
Lunar
UK
Thursday 9 March 2000 22:04:21 GMT
Hey Bob, Later on I'm firing up the barbeque. bring little Jimmy and the Boog and we'll get down and funky with the women.
ScorpioX <ScorpioX@itookmyprozac.com>
Philadelphia, PA, US
Monday 6 March 2000 19:57:04 GMT
I'm sending this message to the two most famous communists in the world, to test their commitment to censorship. (The other one is Fidel Castro.) I'll report back later on which communist deleted this message first, and therefore, which is the most committed to supressing freedom of speech.
Miss Tury Person <tp@bunghole.com>
Area 51, Censored, US
Tuesday 29 February 2000 13:07:55 GMT
i like the webpage! especially the phrases and advice. i sort of stumbled across the advice pages one day and have managed to work back to the rest of your site (you really should put a little link saying "home" at the bottom of the page. it would save me hassle for a start. anyway, must be off! from an mchem student to be (as of next year, tho not at oxford)
miss m <muffins@hotbot.com>
near leeds, yorkshire, UK
Monday 28 February 2000 20:59:43 GMT
Me want Buchis!! Any shape will do! Water cooled is preferable to cardice cooled.
Buchi Monster <monster@buchi.com>
Sesame Street, US
Monday 28 February 2000 18:50:51 GMT
All work and no play, makes Bob a dull boy. All work and no play, makes Bob a dull boy. All work and no play, makes Bob a dull boy. All work and no play, makes Bob a dull boy...
Bob Matthews <wadh0300@sable.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
Sunday 27 February 2000 17:58:17 GMT
I like the webpage! especially the phrases and advice. I sort of stumbled across the advice pages one day and have managed to work back to the rest of your site (you really should put a little link saying "home" at the bottom of the page. it would save me hassle for a start. anyway, must be off! From an MChem student to be (as of next year, though not at Oxford) You could be right. I'll place them there.
Miss M <muffins@hotbot.com>
Near Leeds, Yorkshire, UK
Monday 28 February 2000 20:59:43 GMT
Interesting homepage. I was directed to it by the Sunday Times of Feb 20th 2000. Thank you. PS If interested the link is:www.losers.org. Really, I'm not joking. Only a three L though.
daniel <gdt79@hotmail.com>
Oxford, UK
Saturday 26 February 2000 22:17:17 GMT
NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT IS DANGEROUS OR ILLEGAL! P.S. Bob please don't delete this 'cos it took me bloody ages, in my drunken state, to type this...
Ben webb <wadh0300@sable.ox.ac.uk>
Springfield, I live in a state of permanent drunkeness, oooh arrr I lost my bra. ..
26/02/00 1:43:33 local time
This is not the correct name of the sender. Appologies Ben.

Go here.
Hammy <hammy.hamster@bigwheel.com>
Cageville, Shelftown, Peru (Deepest, Darkest)
26/02/00 1:37:55 local time
Boy... this page has a whole bunch more hits than when I last looked at it. Y ou must be really popular. PS - You smellish. PPS You aaaaaaaaaarm twaaaaaaaaaaart PPPS Don't feed Laser beer after midnight.
VodkaKing < King_Vodka@hotmail.com>
Southampton, Duh Southampton is a unitary authority, thicky., Peru
26/02/00 1:35:56 local time
Bob, you must rise above all the abuse people are sending you. You may be a bit different, but that's what attracts us to you (not to mention your sideparting). Keep baking us cookies.
Girls of Oxford <girlz@ox.ac.uk>
UK
25/02/00 12:57:56 local time
I am R. C. Piles' cousin. Unlike him, I can spell haemorrhoids. And diarrhoea.
R. C. Haemorrhoids <richard@piles.com>
Swindon, Armpit of the universe, UK
25/02/00 12:49:48 local time
I drove my chevvy to the levvy but the levvy was dry. What should I do?
R. C. Piles <piles@preparation-h.com>
Eat prunes, or end up, like me
25/02/00 12:47:51 local time
May I take this Red Indian costume into the changing room please? I wonder what adventure it will lead to...?
Mr. Ben <mr.ben@bbc.co.uk>
Festive Road, London?, UK
25/02/00 12:46:04 local time
Your underpants smell of poo, on the grand scale of things.
Mr. F. Luent-Suer <drain@sewage.com>
Bob's underpants, smell of poo -, I have proof
25/02/00 12:43:57 local time
Hey, good lookin'!
Dr. B. Ender <b.ender@fag.turdburglar.com>
Get orrrff moy laaaannnd!,
25/02/00 12:41:17 local time
You are inadequate, on the grand scale of things.
Mr. H. P. Sauce <henry.sauce@hotmail.com>
Rob Woolf, Rob Woolf, Little red riding hood
25/02/00 12:39:41 local time
Gimme all your lovin', all your hugs and kisses too...
Mr. R. Sole <r.sole@bottom.co.uk>
Solesbury, Swindonshire, UK
25/02/00 12:38:15 local time
You are a tetrasexual.
Jack Baldwin <jack@dp.ox.ac.uk>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
24/02/00 18:57:53 local time
Aaarrrrr! Aaarrrrr! Aaarrrrr! Aaarrrrr! Poach a proton!
Long Haired Lover from Liverpool <longhair@liverpool.com>
Liverpool, Merseyside, UK
24/02/00 12:51:48 local time
Er... who says that organic chemists are all square? Wanna fight? We're not all communists you know...
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, Hampshire, UK
23/02/00 22:03:04 local time
b>red rum... Red Rum... RED RUM... RED RUM! R-E-D R-U-M!!!!
Jack Nicholson <jack@overlook_hotel.com>
Overlook Hotel, Near snow-covered maze, The Shining
23/02/00 22:01:35 local time
Hey Baby Bob. What a sexy love GOD you are!! Who says ORGANIC chemists are all square illegitimates? You are a great advert for science - now I want to play with test tubes along side you! I'm going to! where do you live?
Beelzebub <Emma@SoftOptions.zzn.com>
London, Cloud 9, Purgatory
23/02/00 22:01:26 local time
Poach a proton!
Lord Lucan <That would be telling!>
aaarrrrr!, aaarrrrr!, aaarrrrr!
23/02/00 21:55:17 local time
I have started writing up my patented wooing techniques. These include cookie baking and secret santas. Further details can be obtained be emailing me.
Bob Matthews
UK
23/02/00 16:48:44 local time
Really! How little you understand or know what you are talking about. Nor do I intend to explain what I mean by this. (Unless I don't know what you mean, in which case we're both lost)

Why aren't you at work, instead of deleting guestbook messages?
Harry Anderson <hazza@hotmail.com>
Oxfordestershire, sestershierford, UKborough
23/02/00 14:55:14 local time
I don't think this is very funny

Right team, you're doing really well. All you have to do now is stick your heads inside various boxes containing nasty creepy-crawlies which you told us you hated. Ha ha ha gosh aren't we funny?!
Melinda Messenger <See below for my email address...>
Fort Boyard, etc., etc.
23/02/00 12:56:04 local time
Oh no! You've failed a a mind-numbingly simple challenge, and not only have you not got a key, but Kevin's been locked in! Never mind, plenty of time yet. Let's go up to the tower and see the Professor...
Melinda Messenger <mel@fortboyard.co.fr>
Fort Boyard, off the Atlantic coast, France
23/02/00 12:52:57 local time
Right team, let's get the gate raised and get inside! We've only got forty minutes to get four keys!
Melinda Messenger <mel@fortboyard.co.fr>
Fort Boyard, Channel 5, 8pm Friday nights
23/02/00 12:50:36 local time
So, you losers think you're gonna get your hands on my gold, do ya? Heh heh heh don't make me laugh! Oh no... you just did. Well, you'd better raise the portcullis, and when you do, the clock will start ticking...
Leslie Grantham <den@albert_square.com>
Fort Boyard, In the sea, Off the Atlantic coast of France
23/02/00 12:47:56 local time
Your homepage is fishy, on the grand (piano) scale of things.
Miss R Ainbow-Trout <r.ainbow-trout@slightly-fishy.co m>
Gills, Scaley, UK
23/02/00 0:45:50 local time
OK, OK, I give in...
John McEnroe <bleugh@barf.ugh>
here, now, then
22/02/00 21:40:27 local time
HADDOCK!!!!!!
Tim Henman <henmo@shotmail.com>
somewhere, away from here, argh!
22/02/00 21:39:24 local time
HALIBUT!!!!!!
John McEnroe <bigmouth@baldmail.com>
Shanghai, Berkshire, Pluto
22/02/00 21:37:45 local time
HADDOCK!!!!!!
Tim Henman <henmo@shotmail.com>
Didcot, Oxon, UK
22/02/00 21:35:23 local time
the blossom blooms early in prague this year... ;-]
bluebell <covert@suspicious.um>
Chicken Kiev, Giorgio Beverly Hills, Lichtenstein
22/02/00 21:32:57 local time
I heartily agree with the Rt. Honourable Mr Mandelson's comments. For once...
Margaret Hilda Thatcher <evildictator@uk.org>
Leslie Grantham, Walford, Venus
22/02/00 21:10:00 local time
I heartily agree with the Rt. Honourable Mr Mandelson's comments. For once...
Margaret Hilda Thatcher <evildictator@uk.org>
Leslie Grantham, Walford, Venus
22/02/00 21:09:21 local time
Good heavens, I just can't believe the level of censorship that's going on here! It's a disgrace and an affront to democracy!!
Peter Mandelson <mandy@newlabour.con>
London Village, Norfolk, Andorra
22/02/00 21:06:30 local time
Nice homepage.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, UK
22/02/00 19:05:19 local time
Eat this!
Mr. B. Irdseye <birdseye@birdseye.com>
London, London, London, London, London, Earth, UK
22/02/00 13:14:01 local time
This guestbook is a bit empty at the moment but that's because Bob keeps deleting entries... (Compare this comment with Bob's, at the end of the page!)
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, (Unitary Authority), UK
22/02/00 13:09:12 local time
Eh oh!! Tubby tustard! Tubby tustard!! Naughty Noo-Noo! Tubby toast! Time for tubby bye-bye!
Laa Laa <laalaa@teletubbies.bbc.co.uk>< br> Tubbydrome, Warwickshire, UK
22/02/00 13:02:25 local time
Hi James. My name is Dianne, and I really like your homepage. By the way, why does your guestbook mirror have so many more entries than your local guestbook? Keep up the good work, Dianne
D. Scussted <dscussted@hotmail.com>
LA, California, USA
22/02/00 12:57:34 local time
Right, I've started the clock. Let's see how long it takes for THIS entry to be deleted.
I think I'm about to die <about_to_die@dead.com>
Deathsville, Deadshire, UK
22/02/00 12:53:43 local time
Me want cookies. any shape will do
Cookie Monster <cookie@monster.com>
UK
22/02/00 12:45:20 local time
ARMADILLO!!!
wallace <gorgonzola@gouda.com>
stilton, caerphilly, outer mongolia
22/02/00 0:31:58 local time
Bloody hell Bob! Why isn't it possible to use paragraphs in your guestbook so that text may be formatted more clearly? Grmbl grmbl. Yours sincerely, Angry Man in the Pub
That would be because html code is deactivated by the script to try to prevent unfortunate incidents that have in the past been a problem.
Angry from Manchester <angry@manchester>
Manchester, Manchester, UK
21/02/00 19:02:41 local time
As a cornish pasty, I object to the following statement in one of your recent "whinges of the week": Everyone has their own experiences and failing to modify ones future actions in the light of pasty experiences is a serious lapse in proper behavior. What, may I ask, was your pasty experience, Mr. Matthews? If it has caused yo to alter your behaviour, I do hope it was in a positive way, otherwise my cornish pasty friends and I will be forced to loosen the dodgy computer room hand rail so that you fall down the stairs and break your neck.
Cornish Pasty <pasty@cornwall.org.uk>
Ginsters, Cornwall, UK
21/02/00 19:00:19 local time
Investigations of the electromagnetic properties of molecules including fundamental questions about the structure of the interaction Hamiltonian, the properties of the electromagnetic field, and applications to both model and actual molecules.
Pope Gregory the Ninth <pope@vatican.org>
Vatican City, Vatican City, Vatican City
21/02/00 18:51:32 local time
Checking up on your illustrious career! Your Great Uncle Alf told us you were a high-powered lecturer at Oxford! By the way, I think this makes me your 2nd cousin!
paul norris <p.a.norris@durham.ac.uk>
Durham, Co. Durham, UK
21/02/00 9:46:57 local time
James, James, James. What are we going to do with you? You're denying all your guests free speech on your guestbook. Is this why people think you are a communist? Or is it just your Cold-war hairstyle?
Rasputin <razza@hotmail.com>
Moskva, Russia
19/02/00 18:49:24 local time
Your guestbook is so gay, that my homepage URL doesn't work.
Oops <stupidnobody>

18/02/00 9:16:37 local time
Check out my homepage
Hahahaha <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

18/02/00 9:15:45 local time
We love you!!! Nice side parting by the way!!!
Captain Kirk <boblovers@hotmail.com>
oxford, oxon, UK
18/02/00 1:49:03 local time
Imagine theres no heaven,
Its easy if you try,
No Hell below us,
and above us,
only someone who deletes any amusing entry into His guestbook,
WHY?

John Lennon <spacedout@hotmail.com>
Liverpool, Merseyside, UK
17/02/00 22:00:44 local time
You may take our lives, but you'll never take, our freedom!
Again? <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

17/02/00 9:32:53 local time
Hey Mr Big-Shot Stupid Nobody... You'd better watch it, 'cos I work out... and I have have huge bulging muscles.

Mr Bigg <Bigg@HotHotHotMail.com>
Montenegro, Florida, Korea
16/02/00 23:58:30 local time
Listen up Opie, you better stop deleting my guestbook entries, or I'm gonna call your momma. Mad Props to another fallen rapper, knowhumsayin' foo'? *gangsigns*
Stop deleting me fag

16/02/00 9:32:33 local time
Listen up Opie, you better stop deleting my guestbook entries, or I'm gonna call your momma. Mad Props to another fallen rapper, knowhumsayin' foo'? *gangsigns*
Stop deleting me fag

16/02/00 9:30:56 local time
You deleted me......
Deleted? <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

15/02/00 10:07:50 local time
Again?
Deleted? I wouldn't have thought! <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

15/02/00 10:07:11 local time
Your homepage is inadequate, on the grand scale of things. And you DO look like a communist!!!
Phil McCracken <overexposed@hotmail.com>
Nob End (near Bolton), Lancs, UK
15/02/00 1:43:14 local time
Dear Mr. Matthews, We found your James' tip for the week page as well as its companions deeply fascinating. We feel you have unearthed an ability to get into the mind of a neurotic obsessive compulsive as well as anyone since Freud. We would like to base a conference on this fictional yet deeply disturbed character you have created. We await your response.
Royal College of Psychiatrists <rcp@hotmail.com>
London, UK
14/02/00 15:56:51 local time
Your homepage is adequate, on the grand scale of things, of course only a fag would think so.
Deleted again, eh? <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

14/02/00 9:33:20 local time
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No... it's SuperBob!
Marmaduke the tap-dancing jellyfish <marm1@portugese.man-o-war.com> ;
Birmingham, Kent, France
14/02/00 15:32:00 local time
Yes, I do think you look like a communist, on the grand scale of things... PS Why do you have green hair???
Pat McGroyne <overexposed@hotmail.com>
Happisburgh, UK
14/02/00 15:29:34 local time
It's Valentine's day! So why didn't you send me one of your famous 'Heart Shapped Cookies' that Carol so dearly loves?
Ivor Biggins <Phil_McCavity@Hotmail.com>
Framlingham, Suffolk, UK
14/02/00 13:37:55 local time
I care enough to sign your guestbook James. I thought you were a total geek until I found your Calvin and Hobbes link. You are redeemed my son.
Naomi Hilliar <ldytneh@nottingham.ac.uk>
Nottingham, UK
13/02/00 22:05:04 local time
You don't look like a communist.
John Robinson <sagedrobinson@hotmail.com>
Oxford, UK
12/02/00 22:48:59 local time
Your homepage is pants, on the grand scale of things. Bob, you smell of FISH!
Kevin the Gerbil <Kevin@Gerbils.com>
GerbilVille, GerbilLand, UK

Deleted me again, huh? Well when you fully develop your testicles and stop deleting guestbook entries, because it hurts your ego, then tell me about it.
Me again. <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>

11/02/00 9:41:57 local time
Your homepage is entertaining, but only the man in the moon knows why.

This seems to be a very transient guestbook. Entries come and go. Maybe mine will stay. Maybe it won't. I guess that's just the way of life. Some of us are permitted to leave our mark, while others are just lost in the mire that is obliteration. Sigh

One day, rude will rule the world.
"Phil Davis" <VodkaKing@hotmail.com>
Oxford, Oxon, UK
10/02/00 14:39:43 local time


Oh so I see that you have no balls, since you deleted my guestbook entry. Did I bruise your ego with my meaningless words? If you erase this I'll just sign again.
You're a big pansy. <stupidnobody@hotmail.com>
Place where scumbags live, US F'n A
9/02/00 9:57:21 local time
I hate you, milkman Dan
John Robinson <sagedrobinson@hotmail.com>
Oxford, UK
3/02/00 15:53:21 local time
What a wonderful homepage <---- Cripes, people! This is the default message when you sign Bob's guest book. I think he hopes people won't notice it's there and it will appear that his book is universally praised. Well, you wouldn't catch me signing it...
...Oops.
I think I'll change that.
Gumby <gumby@soton.ac.uk>
Southampton, Hampshire, UK
12/01/00 16:47:10 local time
Your date thing is ****** bob. I came across Harry's page direct from the chemistry website. I knew you were the webmaster instantly from the horrible grey backgrounds. But anyway, the point of the message is to tell you that the pictures you have on there need compressing. A computer screen can at best display 72dpi, so pictures should realistically be no more than 20K (depends on the size obviously) otherwise download times are huge. It took quite a while to download when I was on the LAN, someone elsewhere in the world would wait days. Anyway, there's my whinge of the week. Hope you had a good Christmas and New Year.
Chris Bray <christopher.bray@wadham.ox.ac.uk>
Birmingham unfortunately, west midlands, UK
4/01/2000 0:56:18 local time
It's a bit empty at the moment but that's because most people don't care enough to sign the page.
James
Script for Guestbook Created by: Matt Wright.
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