So, this, day 2 of knowing all the painful information... The biggest thing that happened today was when Heather showed up at work, because she gave Amber a ride to work. I totally wasn't expecting to see Heather, and certainly was not prepared for it. I had one of those reactions, not unlike a fear reaction. You know, you get this horrible sinking feeling, the blood drains from your face... I wonder if the customer I was helping noticed. I realized very quickly that I hadn't had that bad of a reaction to anyone in about 7 years. That's right. And yes, I am calling that last person who caused it tomorrow to tell her about it. Since she talks to me now. Great, now I'm shaking again. I was really shaking after that run-in w/ her. Oh, I forgot to mention... I told Armando, one of the groomers, that Heather had a new boyfriend, and that it was tearing me up for some stupid reason. So when Heather was there, he told her that I was in love w/ her. She said (loud enough so I could hear) "Yeah, well, Danny screwed up big time." I turned and went to get the mice for the customer I was helping very quickly. As I was standing there getting the bags ready, Natalie walked up to me and told me what had just been said, and not to listen to Heather. It's good that my manager is supportive of me. I know that Heather is her favorite employee. So it was good to see that she doesn't just totally side w/ her.
Damn I made a depressing playlist. Oh, speaking of Natalie, yesterday she told me I should tell Heather about the "action" I've gotten since she and I broke up. "See how she feels about that!" she said. But I don't think I want to do that. That would just give her something to fight back at me about. It's strange, I feel more guilty about it now. Not that I ever should, since Heather told me time and time again that she would never go out w/ me again.
Natalie (3, as in not the ex or my manager) had an idea on why Heather may have (I'm fighting myself on what term to use here) had sex w/ Chris so fast. She suggested that he may turn her on more. I told her thanks a lot, that really made me feel better. The sex thing comes into my brain all the time. Well, not quite. I mean, I did eventually manage to fall asleep last night, so clearly it left long enough for that. And when I woke up, I had that feeling of peace that you get where you still know you have something repressed, but you're not going to touch that thing, or you'll break. I stayed that way fairly well until Heather showed up at work. I mean, I did bring it up to Natalie (manager, of course, since I'm talking about at work) a couple times, and Armando, and one customer, but it was in that way where you're not really concentrating on the subject you're talking about. You know. Like you're telling a story about something that was in a movie. You're seperated from the reality of it. Over the years, I've gotten good at that. I can't believe I haven't told Kate about any of this yet. I mean, not that she probably wants to hear it... Maybe that's why I haven't. I don't know. Damn I'm so fucked up. By this. No, I haven't been drinking or starting to do drugs. ::laughing slightly:: That just reminded me. Armando told me, as I was walking out of the store, "Normally I say 'Don't drink too much,' but this time I'm saying 'Go home and drink a lot tonight.'" Thanks, buddy, but I think that would be a bad idea when I'm depressed. And I don't consider drinking a lot a good idea in the first place. "All she wants is... all she wants is..." I must hate myself, putting all these songs on. Great moans in this song, too. ::shudder:: Great. I just concentrated, and suddenly actually pictured one of those as Heather doing it. Sinking feeling again much? Yeah.
Last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, I kept getting images that were too clear, and just thoughts in general that were as well... and I kept just thrashing about in the bed whenever that happened. I'm glad no one happened to come down here... I would have looked insane. Oh wait, I am. Currently. I expect to regain my sanity sometime. Not really sure how soon. (Soon as they break up, whispers my brain.) I mean, I sure would get it back pretty quickly if they broke up, but I know I'll get it back even if they don't. It just may take a long time. I'm starting to think being dizzy off and on is normal. And that only eating two small meals a day is normal. I call this the "Heather fucked him in the first couple days" diet. Actually, I just made that up as I was typing it. But I think I like it. Hell, it may have been the first day. Because of course I wasn't even supposed to know that it had happened at all.
Also, I just remembered... Apparently Heather's been kinda interested in this guy for a while. But, she didn't want to do anything about it, because he really wanted her sister (who is thin, and probably much more attractive to most guys). So here's what it really sounds like to me now. Chris gave up on Ashley finally, and was like "Oh, what, Heather wants me? Maybe I can get some from her..." Another thing that bothers me... I did meet him once, but I really don't remember what he was like. Amber, however, remembers him pretty much being a jerk. So she'll have sex w/ a jerk, but not me... This is better and better. It's funny, I'm making myself sound like I'm all obsessed w/ wanting to get some from Heather. But the fact is, I wasn't extremely bothered by the fact that I wasn't getting any from her. I'm just really bothered that she would only have that one failed attempt w/ me in all the time we were together, and then spread for him in the first day or so. Fuck. ::sinking:: That got too vivid again. My hands are freezing. I wonder if that sinking feeling is what leads to passing out. I have a feeling it is... but I manage to pull myself out of it before I ever actually find myself on the floor. Gosh darn it. I should be asleep. At least this time I'm waking up at 9:30 instead of 7:30. Though making up for lost sleep would have been a good idea, rather than just being even shorter on it now. And considering how much time I spent thinking and wanting to punch things and telling my brain to shut up after I got in bed last night, I should have gone to bed a good half hour before I needed to sleep, at least. "Can't you see what you are doing to me? Can't you see what you have done? As I try to pass another long and sleepless night, a hundred crazy voices call my name. As I try to pass them by, I almost can believe that she is here, here in the glow of the night..." Time for a deep experience w/ "Domino" now... "Now see what you've gone and done?! Now see what you've gone and done?!"

(9-14 1:50)

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