So, the other day, as I am surfing
the web, I says to myself, I sez, "Self, there is no Squirrel Girl site
here on de Web. I needs must address dis grievous oversight and take it
upon myself to educate the masses." And then I slip back inta my tequila
coma and forget all about the matter. But when I woke several weeks
later, the idea had burned itself inta my brain and I rose, single-mindedly,
paying no heed to the IV tubes as I ripped them from my arm. I knew I had
been chosen for this glorious quest and so I pistol-whipped the nurse,
commandeered her terminal, and set forth to present to you the tale of
the greatest hero of our time.
THE
STORY SO FAR...
Squirrel Girl has had only a single appearance
as of yet, in the Winter 1991 Marvel Super-Heroes (officially Vol. 2, No.
8) in an Iron Man inventory story plotted and drawn by the masterful Steve
Ditko with a script by Will Murray. In this adventure, dubbed with
the apropos title of "The Coming of Squirrel Girl!", she ambushed Iron
Man in an attempt to convince him to take her on as her partner. He wasn't
convinced, even after seeing Squirrel
Girl's amazing powers and also in light of her age (fourteen at the
time). And that would have been that, except for the fact that Squirrel
Girl had engaged anther armored character first, who turned out to be no
less than the awe-inspiring Doctor Doom!
Doom promptly k.o.'ed Iron
Man and kidnapped the pair, planning, in proper super villian fashion,
to crush them both to death with giant, blunt spikes before dumping the
bodies in the ocean. With Iron Man chained, it was all up to Squirrel
Girl! And so, that being the case, Doom had his way with the heroes, Tony
Stark was replaced with a LMD and no one ever heard from SG, again.
No, of course not! Monkey
Joe, Squirrel Girl's faithful sidekick, led a charge of squirrels onto
Doom's craft, which was flying low through the forest to avoid radar, and
the wee beasties chewed through the wiring, saved the day, and even disabled
Doom's armor, forcing the villain to escape into the river, swearing revenge
for these indignities. Iron Man informs the heroine that she done good
and the heroes part on friendly terms, as Squirrel Girl utters the immortal
line "I don't need luck. I eat nuts."
SQUIRREL
GIRL'S AMAZING POWERS!
No one takes down Doctor Doom without some significant
skills. Here's a look at Squirrel Girl's eclectic array of outstanding
abilities, exactly as she explained them to Iron Man!*
*I know
the text can be kinda hard to read, so the contents are reprinted below
each panel.
THE FUTURE OF SQUIRREL GIRL
isn't looking terribly bright right now, I'll
admit. Chances are real good that ten minutes after "The Coming of Squirrel
Girl", Doom came back and vaporized SG, strangled her parents, enslaved
her squirrels, and generally razed everything in a six block radius of
her house. But, apparently in the interim, she became a marketing
sensation because it has been discovered that Squirrel Girl underoos
are favored by no one less than Deadpool**,
everyone's favorite Merc with a Mouth! So, will Squirrel Girl return to
prominence once more? We can only wait...oh, and also write many, many
polite, but firm letters to Marvel.
** Deadpool #7
Author's Note: Normally,
my exuberance for and awe of Doctor Doom knows no bounds. This page should
in no way be construed as an Anti-Doom page. But, let's face it, it's fun
to watch the all powerful liege of Latveria get humbled by squirrels. Just
once.
Contact Jared M. Silver
for further Squirrel Girl enlightenment.
Squirrel Girl®, Iron Man®,
and Doctor Doom® are property of Marvel Comics and this site is in
no way endorsed by Marvel Comics. No infringement is intended.