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A husband and wife noticed that their little boy's penis was a little too small so they took him to the doctor. They expressed their concerns to the doctor. The doctor said to feed the little boy lots of toast. The next morning, the wife gets up really early and makes a huge stack of toast. When the little boy comes down to breakfast, the mother says, "Take the top two slices. The rest are for your father.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the very naive virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "Because it's Lent."
"Why, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard," she exclaimes, close to tears. "To whom, and for how long?"
Q: How are an old man and a bumper sticker alike?
A: The older they are, the harder it is to get them off.
There once was an exhibitionist going on a flight. As he walked up the ramp, he noticed a beautiful blonde stewardess collecting seating passees at the entrance. As the woman reached for his ticket, the man flung open his coat and she ALMOST grabbed his wang! As the young lady recoiled, the pervert asked, "Hey little missy, what's wrong? Did my BIG old monster give you a scare!"
"I should say so!. she cried, "You're supposed to show your ticket here... not your STUB!!"
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job. "Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any actual experience in picking lemons?" "Well... as a matter of fact, Yes!" she replied. "I've been divorced three times."
Q: How do some men define Roe vs. Wade?
A: Two ways to cross a river.
I can understand why men don't like vasectomies. My uncle got a vasectomy, and paid for it with Mastercard. He forgot to pay the bill, and the finance company came over to his house and knocked up my aunt.
The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all, " the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one."
There's this guy who went to this camp for adults, so the owner is showing him around, and says, "You're gonna love it here, especially the barrel behind the restrooms, when you feel the need, stick you're dick in the hole for a blowjob." So the next day, the guy sees the owner, and says, "this place is great, I'm going to use that barrel everyday." and the owner says "everyday except Mondays." The guy looks at him and says, "why not on Mondays?" The owner replies, "that's you're day in the barrel."
Nancy and Betty, and Jim and Tom were in the old people's home. Nancy and Betty thought Jim and Tom weren't getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim and Tom's room. Later that night they did just that. Jim looked at Tom and said, "Did you see that? What in the hell were Nancy and Betty wearing?"
"I don't know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing."
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "when we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring my slippers and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it's all different. I come home, the dog brings the slippers and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain?" said the counselor, "You're still getting the same service!"
A doctor called up a fellow and said, "Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently." The guy says, "Yes, that's right. Is there anything wrong?" "Well," the doctor replies, "heere;s the thing. There's another women who cam in for blood tests also and she had the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has AIDS and the other has Alzheimer's. " "Oh, my God," the man said, "what will I do, doc?" "Well, I've been giving this some thought," said the doctor, "and here's what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast." "Then what?" says the distraught man. "Well.... if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON'T FUCK HER!"
Four Catholic ladies were having coffee. The first Catholic woman tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic crone says, "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'." Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle "Well...?" So she replies, "My son is 6'7"... he has plenty of money... broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung? A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose. Q: What do you call a handcuffed man? A: Trustworthy. Q: Why do blonde women have bruises around their navels? A: Blonde men are stupid too. Q: Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: They all already have boyfriends.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of them said to it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. There was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pump's haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The other alien shouted to his comrade "No, you mustn't anger him...!", but before he finished his warning, the first alien fired. There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us! But, how did you know it was so dangerous?" The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, it's that if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick into his own ear, don't screw with him!"
There was this guy that had a hen and he wanted to raise chicks but had no rooster...So he set out looking for one...Came upon a farmer, and asked him if he had any. Farmer said..."why yes, I have three of them...One is "normal"...one is "dyslexic"...and the last one is "gay". So the guy says..."Let me hear them crow!" The farmer brings out the "normal" one...and he crows...Cocka-Doodle-Dooooooo!!! Guy says, "Well, he sounds pretty good!" Farmer brings out the "dyslexic" one...and he crows.......Doodle-Doodle-Cock!!!! Guy says, "Hmmmmmmmmmm......." The farmer brings out the "gay"one.......He crows...... ANY-Cock'll-Doooooooooo!!!
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy and daddy probably call each other all the time." Instantly, one of the kids coughed his onto the floor and shouted, "Spit 'em out, they're assholes!"
A sign at the golf course detailing the dress code: Guys: NO Shirts, No Golf Girls: No Shirts, No Green Fees
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A man comes to his doctor and tells him that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him for the last 7 months. The doc tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her. So the wife comes into the doctors office and the doctor asks her whats wrong and why doesn't she want to have sex with her husband anymore. The wife tells him, "For the last 7 months every morning I take a cab to work. I dont have any money so the cab driver asks me, 'So are you going to pay today or what?' so I take a 'or what'. When I get to work I'm late so the boss asks me, 'So are we going to write this down in the book or what?' so I take a 'or what'. Back home agian I take the cab and again I don't have any money so the cab driver asks me again, 'So are you going to pay this time or what?' so again I take a 'or what'. So you see doc when I get home I'm all tired out, and I don't want it any more." The doctor thinks for a second and then turns to the wife and says, "So are we going to tell your husband or what?"
This guy and his girlfriend were going to it hot and heavy in the backseat of his car. A knock was heard on the window and there stood a cop. The guy got out, shaking like a leaf. The cop said that he wouldn't run him in if he could be next. The guy got back in and finished with his girlfriend. When he got out again, he was still shaking like a leaf. The cop said there was no reason to be scared, because he wouldn't arrest him if he could be next. The guy said "I'm not afraid that you'll arrest me... It's because I've never fucked a cop before!"
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with other women," she charged. "You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded. "Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Which Came First? A chicken and an egg were laying next to each other in bed. The chicken was smoking a cigarette, and with a very pissed-off look the egg said, "Well.... I guess that answers *THAT* long asked question!"
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts. Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change. A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust. "Tennis ball," came the breathless reply. "Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE Penis breath, a lover's dread Is what you get when you give head Unpleasant as it tends to be Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why You bothered reaching for his fly But it's too late, can't be a tease Accept the facts, get on your knees You know you've got a job to do So open wide and shove it through Lick the tip then take it all Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl Slide up and down, use your tongue And feel the precum start to run Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb So when the fuck's he gonna cum Just, when you can't take anymore You hear your lover's mighty roar And when he hits that real high note You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky stuff Okay already, that's enough Let's switch you say, before you gag And what revenge, you're on the rag.
A dedicated union man was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The house gets $80 and the girls get $20." Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, he stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop. He went in one brothel after another asking the same question, and getting the same response. Finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house." "And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?" "The girls get $80 and the house gets $20." "That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night." "I'm sure you would, sir," said the madame. She then gestured to a fat, sixty-year-old woman who was snoring in the corner and said: "But Ethel has seniority."
A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. Old Man: "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. Piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-fence-Builder? Noooo..." Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to the sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me own back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..." Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. . . "But ya fuck one goat..."
Did you hear about the guy who put a patch on his dick? He is down to two butts a day!
Did you hear Saddam called Clinton with some advice? He told him sheep don't talk. Do you know what the difference between Clinton and the Titanic are? They know exactly how many people went down on the Titanic. Clinton is going to be the first president ever blown out of the White House. Did you hear Clinton is going to have any more problems with Monica? He is going to have Ted Kennedy drive her home.
Have you heard Clinton hasn't been playing his Saxophone much lately? Yep, he has been too busy playing with his whore Monica (harmonica!)
WHAT AM I???? THIS USEFUL TOOL, COMMONLY FOUND IN THE RANGE OF 8 INCHES LONG. THE FUNCTIONING OF WHICH IS ENJOYED BY MEMBERS OF BOTH SEXES. IS USUALLY FOUND HUNG, DANGLING LOOSELY, READY FOR INSTANT ACTION. IT BOASTS OF A CLUMP OF LITTLE HAIRY THINGS AT ONE END AND SMALL HOLE AT THE OTHER. IN USE, IT IS INSERTED, ALMOST ALWAYS WILLINGLY, SOMETIMES SLOWLY, SOMETIMES QUICKLY, INTO A WARM, FLESHY, MOIST OPENING WHERE IT IS THRUST IN AND DRAWN OUT AGAIN AND AGAIN MANY TIMES IN SUCCESSION, OFTEN QUICKLY AND ACCOMPANIED BY SQUIRMING BODILY MOVEMENTS. ANYONE FOUND LISTENING IN WILL MOST SURELY RECOGNIZE THE RHYTHMIC, PULSING SOUND, RESULTING FROM THE WELL LUBRICATED MOVEMENTS. WHEN FINALLY WITHDRAWN, IT LEAVES BEHIND A JUICY, FROTHY, STICKY WHITE SUBSTANCE, SOME OF WHICH WILL NEED CLEANING FROM THE OUTER SURFACES OF THE OPENING AND SOME OF FROM ITS LONG GLISTENING SHAFT. AFTER EVERYTHING IS DONE AND THE FLOWING AND CLEANSING LIQUIDS HAVE CEASED EMENATING, IT IS RETURNED TO ITS FREELY HANGING STATE OF REST, READY FOR YET ANOTHER BIT OF ACTION, HOPEFULLY REACHING ITS BRISTLING CLIMAX TWICE OR THREE TIMES A DAY, BUT OFTEN MUCH LESS. WHAT AM I??????? AS YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY GUESSED, THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE IS NONE OTHER THAN YOUR VERY OWN.......... .....TOOTHBRUSH......... what were you thinking????
A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom.The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say 'ass.' The 4 year old happily agreed. As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios." "WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?" "I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it's not gonna be Cheerios."
One day, Little Johnny was called to the front of the class. "Johnny," said the teacher, "I have something behind my back that is round and red. Can you tell me what it is?" "I know what it is, it's the kickball we play with at recess." "No Johnny, it's apple," said the teacher, "but I like the way your thinking. Let's try again. Now I have something behind my back that is long, round, and yellow." Johnny thought to hisself for a minute. "Last time it was a fruit, so I guess it will be a fruit this time. Is it a banana?" "No, it's the baton you use when you run relay races in P.E.," said the teacher, "but I like the way your thinking" "Ok, Mrs. Johnson, now it's your turn, said Johnny. I've got something in my pants that is round and has a head on it." "JOHNNY" shouted the teacher. Then Johnny said, "No, it's a nickel, but I like the way your thinking."
Things never to say to a guy who has a small Penis. 1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahh, it's cute.
3. Stop fingering me and fuck me.
4. I'm sorry.
5. Who circumcised you?
6. Why don't we just cuddle?
7. You know they have surgery to fix that.
8. It's more fun to look at.
9. Make it dance.
10. You know, there's a tower in Italy like that.
11. Can I paint a smiley face on that?
12. It looks like a nightcrawler.
13. Wow, and your feet are so big.
14. My last boyfriend was 4" bigger.
15. It's OK, we'll work around it.
16. Is this a mild or a spicy Slim Jim?
17. Eww, there's an inch worm on your thigh.
18. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
19. Oh no, a flash headache.
20. (giggle and point)
21. Can I be honest with you?
22. My 8-year-old brother has one like that.
23. Let me go get my tweezers.
24. How sweet, you brought incense.
25. This explains your car.
26. You must be a growing boy.
27. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
28. Thanks, I needed a toothpick.
29. Are you one of those pygmies?
30. Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
31. Ever hear of Clearasil?
32. All right, a treasure hunt!
33. I didn't know they came that small.
34. Why is God punishing you?
35. At least this won'tt take long.
36. Let's just stick with your hand.
37. Do you need a splint to prop that up.
38. How interesting.
39. I never saw one like that before.
40. What do you call this?
41. But it still works right?
42. Damn I hate baby-sitting.
43. It looks so unused.
44. Do you take steroids?
45. I hear excessive masturbation shrinks your dick.
46. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
47. I think there's a dildo around here somewhere.
48. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
49. Let me know when you're done.
50. Oh, I didn't know you were in an accident.
51. Did you date Lorena Bobbitt?
52. Aww, it's hiding.
53. Are you cold?
54. If you get me real drunk first.
55. Is that an optical illusion?
56. What is that?
57. Does thiis run in your family?
58. I'll go get the ketchup for your French fry.
59. Were you neutered?
60. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
61. Does it come with an air pump?
62. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
63. Where are the puppet strings?
64. Look, it all fits in my mouth at once
. 65. Deep throat??? I doubt it'll reach my tongue!!!
66. Your big gun is more like a BB gun.
67. Can you get this pencil out of me now?
68. Do I hang my hat on it?
69. Look, it fits my Barbie clothes!
70. Don't hold back.
71. Nevermind, why bother.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?"
Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'"
This guy and his friend went moose hunting every year without success. Finally, they came up with what they hoped was a foolproof plan. They acquired a very authentic moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then jump out of the costume and shoot the bull. Setting themselves upon the edge of a clearing in their costume, they began to give the moose "call o' love." Before too long their call was answered by a bull moose some distance away.
They called again, and the bull answered from somewhere closer. Again they called, and again the bull answered. Soon he came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bull's pounding hoofbeats got closer, the friend in the front said, "O.K.! Lets get out and shoot him!"
After a moment that seemed like an eternity Roscoe shouted, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"
The friend in the front replied, "Well, I know what I'm going to do. I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself."
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, Rick woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some breakfast in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the president of the company to his face!"
"He's an asshole, piss on him."
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you." "Well, screw him!," said John. "I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
A young fellow walks into a talent agent's office and says he wants to breakinto show-biz,so the agent says "Okay kid, show me what you do." The kid tells some jokes, does a little soft shoe, sings a bit, does an acrobatic act with an ottoman, and is good enough to impress the agent. "Great kid! Just great!," says the agent "I can do things for ya! I think I can get you a show on T.V."(This was the early sixties.) "By the way, what's your name?" The young man, proud and excited, exclaims "Penis Van Lesbian." "'Scuse me?," questions the agent. "My name is Penis Van Lesbian" again replies the young man. "Hey I'm sorry kid, you're gonna have to change your name, nobody is gonna hire you with a name like Penis Van Lesbian." Well the young man is crestfallen but steadfastly refuses to change his name, so he leaves to find another agent. A few months later he returns to the same agent. "Hey kid! Good to see ya again!" says the agent, "Are ya still looking for work? Have ya changed your name?" With his head hanging low the young man replies "Yes. Every agent in town turned me down because of my name, Penis Van Lesbian. So I've changed it". "Great kid, great! What's your new name?" "Dick Van Dyke."
A midget went into a whorehouse.none of the girls really wanted to serve him, so finally they drew lots and Mitzi was unlucky and went up to the room with him.A minute later,there was a loud scream. The madam and all of the girls charged up the staircase and into the room Mitzi lay on the floor in a dead faint. Standing next to the bed was the midget nude,and with a three foot cook hanging down and almost touching the floor. The girls werd dumbfounded by the sight.Finally, one of them regained her composure to say,Sir would you mind if we felt it? We"ve never seen anythine like that before." The midget sighed.Okay honey.But only touching. No sucking I used to be six feet tall.'
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