*Note: These were taken from Rosie O'Donnell's book "Kids are Funny". It's a great book, check it out sometime.
Kid's Jokes
What do sea monsters eat for lunch?
Fish and ships.
Who belongs to the monster PTA?
Mummies and Deadies.
What do you say when you cross a two-headed monster?
Hello, hello, goodbye, goodbye!
Who is a monster's favorite comedian?
Blob Newhart.
Who is a monster's favorite comedienne?
Hairy Tyler Moore.
Where is a monster's favorite place to swim?
Lake Eerie.
What happened when the monster ate the electric company?
He was in shock for a week.
Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?
No one can eat just one potato ship.
What do ghosts eat for lunch?
Booghetti and meatballs.
What patriotic song do ghosts like best?
"America the Boo-tiful."
What does a ghost eat for breakfast?
Scream of wheat.
What do ghosts wear when it snows?
Booooots.
What do you call two witches who live together?
Broom-mates.
How do you make a witch scratch?
Take away her w.
What do you get when you put a Tasmanian devil into a chicken coop?
Deviled eggs.
What is a mummys favorite kind of music?
Wrap music.
Why is the Jolly Green Giant a good gardener?
He has two green thumbs.
How do you count cows?
With a cowculator.
What is a cow's favorite TV show?
"Steer Trek."
What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
A milk dud.
What TV show is about investigating mysterious cattle?
"The Ox-Files."
How does a dog stop a VCR?
He presses the paws button.
What is more amazing than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
What do you get when you cross a dog with a hen?
Pooched eggs.
What do cats eat for breakfast?
Mice Krispies.
What does an invisible cat drink?
Evaporated milk.
How do you spell mouse traps using three letters?
C-A-T.
Why did the lion spit out the clown?
Because he tasted funny.
Why can't cheetahs hide very well?
Because they are always spotted.
What do you get when you cross a karate expert with a pig?
A porkchop.
What animal should you never play cards with?
A cheetah.
If ten cats were in a boat and one jumped out, how many would be left in the boat?
None, they were all copycats.
Why did the farmer name his pig "Ink"?
Because it kept running out of the pen.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunnymoon.
What is a squirrel's favorite ballet?
"The Nut Cracker."
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider?
A hare net.
How do you catch a squirrel?
Climb up a tree and act like a nut.
What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?
No thanks, I'm stuffed.
Why do ducks fly south?
Because it's too far to walk.
What goes kcauq, kcauq?
A duck flying backward.
How can you tell if a bee is on the phone?
You get a busy signal.
Why do bees itch?
Because they have hives.
What happened to the two bedbugs who fell in love?
They got married in the spring.
Where do you find the world's biggest spider?
In the World Wide Web.
What did the shrimp yell when he got caught in the seaweed?
Kelp! Kelp!!
Why don't fish go near computers?
They're afraid of getting caught in the Internet.
What do you call a skunk in court?
Odor in the court.
How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.
What year do frogs like best?
Leap year!
What happens when a frog is parked illegally?
It's toad away.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Finding half a worm.
If a snake and an undertaker got married, what would their towels say?
Hiss and Hearse.
Why did the cop run across the baseball field?
Someone stole second base.
Why is a cake like a baseball team?
They both need a good batter.
Why did the girl go outside with her purse open?
She wanted to see if there was any change in the weather.
What's Irish and sits outside in the summer?
Patio furniture.
Why did the woman wear a helmet at the dinner table?
She was on a crash diet.
If all the letters were invited to a tea party, what letters would be late?
The letters U, V, W, X, Y, and Z. They all come after T.
What word starts with e, ends with e, and only has one letter in it?
Envelope.
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
He was sitting on the deck.
Where did the inventor of the toupee get his idea?
Off the top of his head.
Did you hear about the man who stayed up all night trying to find out where the sun went?
It finally dawned on him.
How do angels answer the phone?
Halo.
What is the tallest building in your city?
The library - it has the most stories.
What did one library book say to the other?
Can I take you out?
Why do clocks seem so shy?
Because they always have their hands in front of their faces!
Why did the light turn red?
Wouldn't you turn red if you were caught changing in the middle of the street?
What is Santa's favorite kind of sandwich?
Peanut butter and jolly.
How does Ebenezer Scrooge make phone calls?
Collect.
