*Note: The following page contains jokes directed at lawyers. If you are easily offended by such jokes about the legal profession, please click the back button on your menu bar to return to the previous page. Otherwise enjoy.
Lawyer Jokes
How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck!
If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets , what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer twice.
What do a lawyer and sperm have in common?
They both have a one in a million chance of being human.
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Answer 1: Take your foot off his head.
Answer 2: No? Good!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of $%!*?
The bucket.
What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff
What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his @$%.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetary.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Fifty-four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object, one to demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate, five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories, two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to bill for professional services.
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?".
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
I once saw a cute cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee splitting.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad," said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think *you're* going to find a lawyer?"
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
If you would like to read more lawyer jokes, these were found at
http://www.zelo.com/lawyer.htm
AND
http://wsrv.clas.virginia.edu/~tmh7m/jokes/lawyer.html
There are many more than I didn't feel up to typing.
