*Note: Since I did a joke about men I figured I should put women jokes only to be fair to the guys.
Women Jokes
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. .... wedding cake!
In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What is the difference between a dog and a fox?
About 5 drinks.
Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.
After the fall of the Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
*I have heard different versions of this joke. Mainly it was the guy who was dying.*
A woman comes home from the doctor to tell her husband the bad news that she has only 12 hours to live.
"That's terrible," said her husband, "what would you like to do during your last hours?"
"Well," she said, "first, I want to take a long walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant, and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!"
"Gee," said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff... After all, I have to get up in the morning and you don't!"
