“Time is running out,” said the wolf. “The precipice Kathryn Janeway is standing on is thinning as we speak. She will guide you to the beginning of what you must do.”
The girl walked up to Chakotay and took his hand. She led him deep into the woods. Once she stopped and put her finger to her lips, indicating him to be quiet. They walked on, silent as deer, to a tree where a woman in a burgundy velvet robe lay at the base with her back to them, crying. He immediately recognized her as the Servant of the Patron, with hair like that there was no mistake. Kathryn’s description had been right on the money. The little girl pushed him gently in her direction and he approached.
The Servant of the Patron was so absorbed in herself that she didn’t notice who approached and was scared to death (if she wasn’t already dead, that is) when they touched her arm. She tried to shove the person away...
But Chakotay grabbed her by her wrists and held them firm. Finally she went slack and he released her, letting her fall against him. “You are the Servant of the Patron.” She nodded amid her tears. “I want to thank you for saving my Kathryn.”
The Servant of the Patron said, “I was also saving my Kathryn. And look where that got the two of us.” They were talking about two different incidents, but it didn’t matter, because they had the same goal. “I wish I had never done it. It wasn’t worth it if I’m still going to lose her.”
“We’re not going to lose her. I won’t let her go.” The Servant of the Patron heard the determination in his voice and sat up. “Together we can bring her back. We-”
“No!” she interrupted. “I’ve gotten Kathryn into enough problems already, I don’t want to hurt her anymore.”
“You didn’t get her into a lot of trouble, you saved her. She told me how you had her wounds tended to, how you protected her when the others tried to whip her, and how you saved her from that cave-in.”
“And I’m the one who gave her the nural inhibitor to block the memories of her rape. If I had let it happen she could have dealt with it.”
“And with the state she was in we may have lost her! You did what you thought was best at the time. You never could have known this would happen.” He took one of her hands in his. “Please, help me save Kathryn.”
“I don’t want to her hurt again.”
Chakotay thought about it. “You just don’t want to hurt yourself. If Kathryn dies she’ll be here with you and you’ll be together.” He couldn’t believe he was saying this; to her of all people. “Forget it. You’re not the Servant of the Patron who protected her in captivity. I guess I’ll have to do this on my own.” He started to walk away. “She may not survive.” He left her.
The wolf met him at the edge of the forest. “You cannot do it without her.”
He gave her a puzzled look. “She’s not going to help me, she doesn’t want to be hurt again.”
“She will help you, you just have to be persistent and confident that it will work. Kathryn needs her, and the Servant of the Patron needs to understand that without the accompanying fear it produces. Together in captivity they discovered things that scared them both, feelings they never expected to find. This scares her and she is afraid to face them again.” The wolf walked to the path that lead into the woods. “Go back to her. It must happen.”
Chakotay nodded and started back down the path.
When Chakotay left the Servant of the Patron knew her hope of saving Kathryn was walking down the path with him. But that hope was dead now, so it didn’t matter. But perhaps he was right: it wasn’t Kathryn she didn’t want to hurt, it was herself. But what did it matter? It was too late now.
The little girl saw the Servant of the Patron sobbing alone by the tree. Where was Chakotay? Together they were supposed to save Ms Kathryn. She walked over to the Servant of the Patron and crouched next to her.
The Servant of the Patron didn’t even look at her. “Go away.”
The little girl refused to leave.
“Look, it’s not going to happen, okay?! So leave me alone.”
The little girl put her hand and the Servant of the Patron’s chin and forced her to look at her. In the little girl’s eyes she saw...Hope.
Chakotay came silently to the clearing and saw the little girl crouched before the Servant of the Patron. She then saw him and disappeared. Chakotay walked up to the Servant of the Patron and knelt where the little girl had just been.
The Servant of the Patron looked into his eyes and saw another form of Hope. She wiped at her eyes. “Okay, you win. How can I help?”
He sighed. “I don’t know.” He paused. “I wish there was a way you could talk to her. If we knew she could hear us. The wolf said this has to be done with you, but as a spirit there isn’t much you can do.”
She thought about everything she had learned about being a spirit. “I’ll go back with you,” she said. He gave her a curious look. “We have the power to go back one time for a few minutes. We can go back in mortal bodies, but if we do we can never return to this.” She didn’t think she could give this up. If she did nothing and Kathryn didn’t make it, they would be together. But she would have to live with even more guilt for the rest of eternity. Could she really do that?
“But that could be worthless, we don’t know if she can hear us.”
“Or, I could use you as a bridge, as Eula has been. Then there would be a chance that she could hear me. That is, if you will let me. I will have control of your body, but you will be able to regain control if I get out of hand. I’ve heard it’s like watching yourself from the inside, but being able to do anything.”
Chakotay looked skeptical. He wasn’t too sure about this: allowing another to take over his body. But he was willing to do anything to save Kathryn.
The Servant of the Patron gazed at Kathryn’s still form. She was pale and sickly looking. Her once shiny hair had lost its sheen. Chakotay’s hand reached out and stroked Kathryn’s cheek. Her skin was soft to the touch, but it was neither warm nor cold. The monitors said her vital signs were barely there. She was hanging by a thread, dangling just over the edge of death. She had to find out what that thread was and pull on it.
“Kathryn, oh my beautiful Kathryn.” Chakotay’s hand took Kathryn’s in his and his body leaned over and kissed it gently.
Chakotay watched the actions of the Servant of the Patron. It was disconcerting to know that your body was moving, but you weren’t doing it. The strangest thing was that it wasn’t his voice coming from his mouth, it was hers. He wondered what the Doctor would think if he chanced to walk in. Perhaps the Servant of the Patron would quickly turn the body back over to him. Hopefully they wouldn’t have to find out.
“Kathryn, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know what it’s like there, but here are people who don’t want to lose you.” Here came the part she was unsure of. “What ever it was that sent you away” (though she knew exactly what it was) “is not so hopeless that we cannot help you. There are many people here who care about you and love you, Kathryn. Some of them have been by your side day and night. We will help you work through this, but we need you here with us to do that.” Chakotay’s body knelt down next to Janeway’s bed and pressed her hand to his cheek. There were tears in his eyes as she spoke. “Kathryn, I love you and I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you forever. Please don’t leave those who truly care about you.”
Chakotay thought about the Servant of the Patron’s words. He knew that she and Janeway had shared much during their imprisonment. She really seemed to care about Janeway, and Janeway had a certain way that she talked about the Servant of the Patron. He remembered the words of the gray wolf.
Oh, no. The Doctor was coming.
The Doctor walk in the room just as Chakotay was kissing Janeway. “That won’t help the situation, Commander. Would you please move, I need to administer a hypospray.”
Chakotay stood. As he started to pull away he felt a very faint pressure on his hand. He stopped and stayed still.
“Commander-”
“Shh. I...I felt something.” He looked at Janeway. “Kathryn, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand.” Nothing.
“Kathryn!”
The Doctor gave Chakotay a puzzled look (which he didn’t see) and shook his head. He must be hearing things, for he just heard a distinctly female voice come from Chakotay’s mouth. Nah.
There is was again, that faint pressure. That tiny response gave them some hope. At that point neither the Servant of the Patron nor Chakotay cared if the Doctor heard the Servant of the Patron’s voice, they would find some way to explain it after they had Janeway back.
“Kathryn, if you can hear me, squeeze my hand and follow the sound of my voice.” The Servant of the Patron knelt next to Kathryn’s bed.
As the Doctor watched he could see slight movement in Janeway’s hand. He didn’t question the female voice, he was too preoccupied with Janeway. As he watched, Janeway’s vitals started to approach normal.
“Come on, Kathryn, come back to us. We need you. I’m going to keep talking till you respond.” As the Servant of the Patron watched, Janeway’s eyelids started to flutter. She put a hand over her eyes. If Kathryn were to hear her voice coming from Chakotay’s mouth, she might leave again. “Don’t open your eyes, just listen to me.”
“To us,” Chakotay interrupted.
“Wherever you just were, know that it is better for you to be here than there. We love you, Kathryn, and we need you.” She wasn’t sure what else she could or should say. She knew Kathryn wasn’t solidly with them, not yet.
“Hold me,” came the barest whisper from Kathryn’s lips.
Chakotay/the Servant of the Patron looked to the Doctor for approval. The Doctor nodded.
The Servant of the Patron stood and gently lifted Kathryn in her arms. She sat on the bed and settled Kathryn in her lap. Again Kathryn tried to open here eyes, and again the Servant of the Patron stopped her. “If you open eyes I will disappear. I only exist as long as you can’t see me.”
“I don’t want to lose you again.” She snuggled in closer.
“I’ll always be with you. As long as I am in your heart I never will be far away. Always remember that...” It was too hard to finish. She stroked Kathryn’s cheek for the last time, hot tears falling from her eyes to Kathryn’s face. “Now,” she said painfully, “open your eyes.”
Kathryn slowly opened her eyes, praying to whatever god she believed in that the Servant of the Patron would be there.
Chakotay stroked Kathryn’s cheek. As he looked into her clear sapphire eyes he whispered, “I love you, Kathryn.” But he saw her face fall and the tears flow as she came to the realization that he was not the Servant of the Patron.
Captain’s Personal Log, Supplemental: *sigh* I don’t remember what happened to cause me to fall unconscious for so long. Perhaps it’s because I don’t want to remember. My waking moments with the Servant of the Patron identified feelings from my days in captivity that are surprising and scary. And strangely comforting. I don’t...I just don’t know. I guess this means I’m back to the beginning, back to where I was just after I returned from captivity. And I’ll have to go through the whole process again. And once that is taken care of, there’s the issue of my relationship with Chakotay. But that’s a whole nother story. End log.
She turned the monitor of and stood. She was supposed to meet Chakotay in his quarters for dinner. But she knew he was interested in more than that. Yes, they would eat dinner, but after that would take her to the couch and probably massage her shoulders and back until she was practically putty in his hands. Then he would talk his way into to getting her to talk about what happened. He did this any time she didn’t want to talk but needed to. She knew she would give in whether she wanted to talk or not. It was nice to have a loyal friend who knew you so well.
Just before she left her quarters she remembered what she was wearing. She untied the sash of the burgundy velvet robe from around her waist and laid the robe tenderly on her bed.
She was naked. Not like naked in the mirror before taking a shower, but naked like an anime cartoon for kids where they showed a vague outline and no details. And she was lying exhausted at the base of the tree in the arms of the little girl (as much as an adult can lay in the arms of a little girl). The little girl was comfortingly stroking the side of her face.
It was done. Kathryn was no longer dangling on a precipice, she was back in the world of the living. It was up to Chakotay whether or not to explain any of what happened, she was no longer a part of it.
And that was the hardest thing she had ever done. Holding Kathryn in her arms and saying her final good-bye was harder than dying the first time.
It is said that when the living think of the dead, the dead can hear their thoughts. She wondered if this truth worked both ways.
Take care, my Kathryn. You are safe with those who love you. And always remember that I love you...
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