Disclaimer: Paramount owns the franchise, the characters, and all of my spare time.
Historian's Note: This takes place after the events in "Coda".
Have Not the Words
They had been in space for so long, Janeway had forgotten what a star looked like when it was setting, especially over the water. They were on Talaxia, taking a long-needed shoreleave. The Talaxians had offered them full use of the planets in their system. Most of the crew had split and gone to different planets. Janeway was with Chakotay on Talaxia Prime renting a two-bedroom, beach-front condo. Perhaps ‘renting’ was not the best word. They were being treated. The Talaxians had spared no expense: they had a penthouse with all the extras and could stay as long as they liked.
Chakotay walked out on the balcony and sat in the chair next to Janeway. “It’s a beautiful sight, isn’t it?” He set the glass of Talaxian coffee on the table.
“I’d forgotten how a star looks when setting. It’s one of the few things I regret about going into space. But I appreciate times like this even more.” The sun dipped below the horizon and was gone. Janeway leaned back in her chair with a smile on her face.
Chakotay looked at her and smiled to himself. He hadn’t seen her that relaxed or content since before the drowning incident. He still worried about her. She avoided water and plants at all costs and stayed away from away mission, which usually gave her scientific side some time in the limelight. When she suggested coming to the beach he was a little weary, but maybe it was a good sign.
The night grew chilly as they sat in silence. The stars came out like little fireflies to light up the night sky. Below them the waves crashed on the shore washing up shells, rocks, and little sea creatures.
Chakotay shivered. It was getting too chilly for him. He looked at Janeway and saw she had fallen asleep: her head lolled on her shoulder and her breathing was even. She looked so peaceful he didn’t want to wake her. With all that had happened lately she need as much peaceful sleep as she could get. He put her arm around his shoulders and slipped one arm behind her back and the other under her knees. Gently he lifted her off the chair and carried her inside. As he pulled the covers back and laid her in the bed, he saw the scars that criss-crossed her bare ankles. So she had never gone back to the Doctor to repair the scars. When he thought about the time since the accident, he could recall moments he had caught her wincing when she walked. He shook his head. Sometimes she was too stubborn for her own good.
After he pulled the covers up he let his fingers linger on her cheek for a few moments longer than necessary. Finally, he moved them away. “Good-night, Kathryn, sleep well.” He closed the door softly behind him.
Janeway awoke on the hard ‘mattress’ in her cell. She felt like an animal the way she was chained up. Each prisoner had their own cell, so there was no way of conspiring to escape. The other way their captors had ensured their continued captivity was the cutting and removal of the prisoner’s vocal chords. Janeway’s throat had been sore for the first few days, but slowly the pain had lessened. She had no idea where she was and her captors were unknown because they always wore long burgundy velvet robes which hid their faces in hoods and shadows. A faceless enemy was a coward and she would not be the captive of a coward. She longed to grab the front of that long robe and demand them to show themselves. But she had not the words to do it.
She heard footsteps coming down the corridor. She pretended to be asleep, because her captors would let people sleep as long as they could. Once a motion detector let the guards know a prisoner was awake, they were put to work right away. The guard walked past her cell and opened the one on her left. There was a struggle as the prisoner was dragged down the hall.
Chakotay found himself in front of Janeway’s quarters. Why was he there? He couldn’t remember where he was before he ended up there. But he had no idea why he was there, Janeway wasn’t even on the ship.
Something was wrong, he could feel it. And it had to do with the captain.
Chakotay...
He heard his name from inside her quarters. He palmed his security code on the lock and rushed inside, expecting to find her...
It was empty.
Chakotay...help...me...
The words were all around him, coming from everywhere. But the rooms were empty. Where was Janeway? Was she in trouble? The spirits forbid, was she dead?
Looking out the viewport he saw the Earth’s moon. Okay, this is a dream. I can control it. But he couldn’t control the rising terror in his stomach. And he couldn’t leave the room. He couldn’t get his body to move back to the door.
Chakotay...
I’m here.
Help me, Chakotay...
Chakotay’s eyes shot open and he found his breathing was ragged. That was some nightmare. Janeway was visiting the Quataki to acquire safe passage through their system. She wasn’t in trouble. Was she?
He got up and went to her quarters anyway, which were right next-door. He didn’t bother to put on a robe since he didn’t have far to go. Once outside her quarters he waited for the feeling that something was wrong, but it never came. He had no reason to override the lock and go in to see if he could hear her voice.
Some crew members walked by, each giving their sleep-wear clad Commander an odd look. Why was he standing in front of the captain’s door when she wouldn’t be back for another three weeks? It was better not to ask. If anything was going on they would hear about it later.
Chakotay scolded himself for making so much of the nightmare. It wasn’t real, it was a figment of his imagination. But his people had something to say about dreams; they all meant something and should never be ignored or dismissed.
He went back to his quarters, but sleep refused to return. That was probably because he kept thinking about Janeway and the dream. Maybe if he thought about something boring like crew reports and duty shifts he could drift off...
Janeway sighed in pleasure as the warm water surrounded her body. She couldn’t remember the last time she had felt so refreshed. She slid completely under the water, its warmth covering her entire body like a lover’s embrace. It soothed her aching muscles and burned her frozen limbs.
Her head emerged from the water and she took a long breath of the cool air. She couldn’t remember the last time water felt that good. She wanted to lay there forever, but she knew she couldn’t. But she had saved those replicator rations for so long she wanted to get the most out of them.
With ten minutes to spare, she stepped out of the warm cloak of the water and wrapped herself in her white terrycloth robe with the Voyager’s name and registry number on the pocket. It was a joke given to her by Mark to make her think the mission was a two week stay in a hotel. This was some vacation.
She walked over to the replicator. “Computer, a cup of Kona coffee.” She picked up the steaming mug and sipped it slowly. Ahh. It was the last thing she needed to warm herself up (and use up her replicator rations). She had no idea why she was so cold. She had woken up cold that morning and hadn’t been warm since.
Suddenly there was a sharp pain in her abdomen. Oh, gods, it hurt. She dropped her mug in an attempt to put pressure on it to make it stop. Then she was overcome by white darkness.
“Where is your captain?” asked the Aoltie ambassador.
Chakotay looked at the chronometer. She should have been back fifteen minutes ago. It wasn’t like her to miss an important meeting, or an unimportant one for that matter. “Chakotay to Janeway.” No response. “Chakotay to Janeway, please respond.” Again no response. “Computer, where is the captain?” He was starting to worry. Nothing could happen to her on her own ship, could it?
“Captain Janeway is in her quarters,” replied the computer’s female voice.
“Is she alone?”
“Affirmative.”
Chakotay looked at the senior staff in the room. “Tuvok, have a security detail meet me outside her quarters.” He raced out of the conference room before Tuvok could respond.
Calm down, Chakotay, said the voice of the gray wolf. Rumors might start flying faster than they already are.
I don’t care about rumors, I care about Kathryn!
He reached her quarters before the security team. “Chakotay to Janeway,” he tried again, but in vain. He keyed in his security code and waited for the door to open. The few nanoseconds it took seemed like forever.
He found Janeway lying on the floor wearing nothing but a terrycloth bathrobe that didn’t cover much in the position she was lying in. Her face was distorted in a grimace of pain.
“Chakotay to security, never mind.” He picked her up and rushed out the door. As he ran down the corridors she moaned in pain, but didn’t regain consciousness. “Doctor, we have an emergency!” he practically shouted as he barged into sickbay, trying not to jostle the captain.
“That is a matter of opinion, Commander,” said the Doctor as he slowly walked to the biobed where Chakotay had placed the captain. As he looked at the readings on his tricorder his face grew serious.
“What’s wrong?” asked Chakotay, his face deadpan.
“It’s a good thing you brought her here quickly, Commander. Anymore time without treatment and she would have died.”
Of what? Of what? Give me a straight answer. “Of what?” he asked calmer than he actually was.
“A ruptured appendix that has gotten infected.” He started to prepare her for surgery. “Commander, I shall have to ask you to leave, you are in the way.”
Chakotay started to protest, but he knew he had negotiations to get back to.
Seven hours later Chakotay was headed back to sickbay. He had completed the negotiations and they were allowed safe passage through Aoltie space, provided they gave a certain amount of supplies to any ships they encounter. Since they would be going through a very low trafficked area of space, they wouldn’t take much of a loss.
During the meeting Chakotay hadn’t been able to keep his mind on business. It kept straying to thoughts of Janeway and worrying about her. It was a wonder he got through it with out any questions being asked afterwards. Spirits, he hoped she was okay. He shouldn’t have waited those fifteen minutes to look for her. Once she was two minutes late he should have started to worry. He was cursing himself as he walked into sickbay...
...And right into the Doctor.
“Good morning, Commander. Nice to know the ship is being run by an awake officer.”
Chakotay was too upset and worried to give anything about the Doctor’s words. “Is she...?”
“She’s still in the surgical bay. Don’t wake her if she’s asleep and don’t stay long if she isn’t.” Even the holographic doctor had heard the rumors. He wondered how much of them were true.
He didn’t bother to acknowledge the physician before he headed to Janeway’s side. She looked to be asleep, but he wasn’t one hundred percent sure. It was best to think her asleep. She looked so peaceful lying there. The pain that distorted her beautiful face earlier was gone, as was the tension. He reached out and gently brushed a stray hair away.
Janeway awoke disoriented. The first thing she noticed was that the pain was gone. That was a relief. The second thing she noticed was her first officer standing next to her. She knew without opening her eyes. “Chakotay...” she said so softly he was scarce sure he heard her. She raised a hand and he took it. “Chakotay, what happened?”
“When you didn’t return to the meeting I got worried and went to look for you. I found you in your quarters lying on the floor unconscious. The Doctor said that-”
“If you don’t mind, Commander,” said the Doctor walking up, “I believe I should be the one to inform the Captain of her condition.” Chakotay stepped back, but he wasn’t willing to leave. “When the commander brought you in you had an infected ruptured appendix, which I was able to repair. This would not have happened if you had shown up for your physical three days ago. I would have detected the swelling before it caused any damage.”
“Thank you, Doctor.”
“You are off duty for the next two days and restricted to light duty for two days after that.”
“Yes, Doctor.” Light Duty? Who was he kidding?
“And don’t talk for long, you need your rest.” He finally left.
She turned to face Chakotay. “How did the negotiations go?”
“They have given us safe passage through their space, provided we give a certain amount of supplies to any ships we encounter. But, the area is low trafficked, so we shouldn’t lose that much.”
“A few supplies is worth the safety.” She held her hand up again and he took it, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you, Chakotay, for worrying about me...”
This time when she awoke Janeway couldn’t avoid going to the tunnels to work, the machine had picked up her movement when she rolled over. When the guard came in the room she struggled with him (her?), even though she knew it was of no use. She wasn’t trying to escape (for the moment) she was just trying to get a look at the person under the robe.
But when she touched the robe it sent an electrical shock through her body that left her momentarily dazed. Her captor used that moment to drag her out of cell and down the halls.
Once in the tunnels, Janeway was given a carving lazer to remove some opal-colored crystals from the walls, ceiling, and floor. The robes worn by her captors protected them from prisoners trying to use the lazers as weapons. Standing behind her was a robe-clad guard with a whip in his hand. If the crystals weren’t cut exactly so or she paused for a break, the guard was allowed to have a field day with the whip. Janeway had already experienced it twice, though not very much. The punishment grew each time.
From the other side of the tunnel, Janeway heard a crash as the person working there lost their footing and fell to the ground. When she turned to look she saw a child, of what race she didn’t know, lying on the ground, her guard poised over her with the whip. She managed to escape the whip and ran to hide behind Janeway. The young girl’s guard was not far behind. He demanded Janeway hand her over.
That was out of the question. Whipping a child for losing her balance, which couldn’t have been her fault, she was too short to reach the ceiling, wasn’t...it just wasn’t right. There was no way Janeway was going to let him do it without taking her first.
Which was fine with the guards. Both guards went for the two prisoners. One grabbed Janeway and threw her out of the way. Then they both set to whipping her while the little girl, her eyes raw with fear, watched, unable to move. Janeway was tough, she didn’t scream, trying to be strong for the girl. She quickly lost count of the number of times they hit her, but the little girl did not.
Once Janeway was whipped for her defiance, the guards punished the girl. She opened her mouth to scream, but there was no sound. Her silent screams gave Janeway an eerie feeling. She shuddered, which sent pain coursing though her body.
The guards ordered them back to work, though their punishment left them motionless. They guards were ready to whip them again when another captor entered the tunnels. It took one look at the prisoners and demanded what the guards were doing. They explained what had happened and what punishment they had administered.
The third captor bent down and examined the prisoners. It told the guards not to put them back to work, as they were too valuable for the moment to be whipped to death. They were to be taken to the medical facility to be treated and then returned to their cells.
The guards nodded and the third captor left. They grabbed the prisoners by their arms and dragged them through the tunnels to the medical facility. Two more prisoners took their places.
Once in the medical facility, Janeway and the girl were stripped naked, scrubbed down, and each placed in separate tubs of thick liquid. It burned their welts and cuts, but soon eased their pain. While lying in the tub, Janeway began to form an escape plan, one that would include the girl. She’d taken note of guard changes in the tunnels, in the barracks, and how the cells doors were operated. They appeared to be iron bars with key locks, and were usually used that way, but they were actually a sophisticated combination of holograms and forcefields. A prisoner could touch them, but if they held on too long they would receive a mild shock. She had been unable to explore any more of her cell than that because of being sent to work. If only she could get away from the guard on her way to the tunnels; there weren’t very many guards there and she might be able to make a break for it. IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE WAY OUT. (Exasperated sigh.) PERHAPS YOU SHOULD TRY TO LOCATE A MAP FIRST. Janeway shook her head. Maybe this liquid was doing something to her mind. She was starting to hear two voices: both hers.
The doctor came over and lifted the prisoner with the long auburn hair out of the goo. By this point her muscles were all jelly and she would be unable to put up a fight. She didn’t have a bad looking body, except for the welts. He would have to inform the Patron. He rubbed the goo off her body and administered ointment to her welts and cuts. He briefly wondered what she had done to receive such punishment from the guards. He then noticed who her guards were (they were watching her hungrily) and had the answer to his question.
The doctor put Janeway’s clothes back on her, much to her relief, and she tried to sit up. She then found out how jellied her muscles were, for she couldn’t move anything.
The doctor told the guards to carry the prisoners back to their cells, but he was pretty sure they would be dragged back.
That was, until the Servant of the Patron came into the room. She was a champion for the fair treatment of prisoner (they were expensive and had to be taken care of) and she would see these two made it back safely. She was probably the one that sent them to the medical facility in the first place.
The guards were directed by the Servant of the Patron to carry them back to their cells. And to make sure, she followed them all the way. They were not to be put to work at all until after they had eaten the next day and the doctor declared them fit for usage.
The words were all around him, coming from everywhere. But the rooms were empty. Where was Janeway? Was she in trouble? The spirits forbid, was she dead?
Looking out the viewport he saw the Earth’s moon. Okay, this is a dream. I can control it. But he couldn’t control the rising terror in his stomach. And he couldn’t leave the room. He couldn’t get his body to move back to the door.
Chakotay...
I’m here.
Help me, Chakotay...
He’d had the same dream ever since four days after Janeway left the ship. Not always the whole dream, but at least part of it, always including the end part. His spirit guide would not answered him when he asked her about the dream. Sometimes when he went to find her she was talking with a little green salamander, instead of the usual red-tailed hawk. Was the salamander Janeway’s spirit guide? When ever he tried to talk to it it vanished.
There were other things to worry about than the dream. But not on his ship. They’d been holding the same position, as they would until Janeway’s return. If she was unable to get them safe passage they were in position to take a route around the dangerous territory, though it was not short. He could worry about that. Which brought him back to worrying about Janeway.
He didn’t think any of the others had noticed his agitation. Actually, it was the latest gossip in the mess hall.
Torres sat down next to Paris, across from Kim.
“What have you learned?” asked Paris. He didn’t need to tell her what subject.
“Chakotay says everything is fine. I told him I was worried about him (I didn’t say a thing about you guys so he wouldn’t think this was part of a rumor) and he said he hadn’t been getting much sleep lately. I asked him why. He mumbled something about a reoccurring nightmare and excused himself.”
“Did he say what the nightmare was about?” asked Kim.
“No, but he seemed very upset by it.”
“I bet it was about the captain,” said Paris, not looking at the other two. “She’s been gone for a week and a half and we haven’t heard anything from her, not that we were supposed to.”
“She was with the members of the Quataki guard and there were no ships in the area. She should be safe with them right?” asked Kim timidly. “I mean, you saw those guys. If I had to pick a bodyguard from another race, I’d pick a Quataki over anyone else every time.” He started to worry. What if something had happened on the way there?
“Harry, if something had happened to them on the way there the planet would have let us know by now,” assured Tom. “Besides, if something happened to them, the captain can take care of herself, she’s a strong woman. And if not, she’d find a way to contact us.”
At that point, Neelix walked up carrying a bowl of something pink. “You guys have to try this, it’ll make your tastebuds dance and sing!” He placed it on the table and sat down. It moved. He leaned conspiratorially closer to the others. “I heard Commander Chakotay is having interesting dreams about the captain.”
They all looked at Neelix. Torres was the main source of communication with Chakotay. “Where’d you hear that?” asked Paris.
“From the Doctor. He had me down there the other day for some tests on my food. He thought I might accidentally poison everyone. Imagine that!”
“Where did the Doctor hear it?”
“From Chakotay. Seems the Doctor was in a Jefferies tube for some reason and heard Chakotay’s mumblings echoing in the tube.”
“Who else have you told?” asked Torres. She didn’t want these rumors getting more out of hand than they already were.
“No one, I wanted to clear it up with you guys first.”
“Good. Just don’t tell anyone. Chakotay’s upset enough as it is, he doesn’t need to worry about rumors.”
Tuvok watched Chakotay get up from and sit down in the command chair. He had been like that for sometime. He would walk around the bridge and look at other’s stations seeming interested, but he was not really paying attention. Tuvok had heard he was having nightmares about Captain Janeway. Tuvok saw no reason why it should interfere with his work, but made a mental note to speak with him about it if he didn’t get his emotions under control.
‘My Heart Will Go On’ wafted through her quarters, the truth of the song wrapping its fingers around her heart. Not long ago, Neelix had started showing old motion pictures from Earth and other planets. That night he had shown Titanic, 1997 Version. If Janeway had remembered her Earth history she would not have gone to see the movie. It reminded her of her father and Justin. Instead of watching the great ship sink, she saw the shuttle going under the icy black water. She knew she had to leave before she lost control of herself. She left as Rose (played by Kate Winslet) was climbing on a floating headboard as Jack (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) was holding the other side down. She’d think of an excuse for leaving later.
‘In my life you’ll always go on.’
She had never forgotten. No one, not even Mark, knew that she always wore his ring on a chain around her neck underneath her uniform. She was fingering it now, tears from her cheeks dampening it’s honey-colored surface.
‘And you’re safe in my heart and my heart will go on and on.’
The sad melody of ‘Hymn to the Sea’ began. This had more of an effect on her than the pervious song. It felt like something she had written, not that she’d ever written music. It was like the sea was weeping with her, but at the same time was calm and inviting her to join it. She knew she should turn it off before she completely lost herself again, but she always took the opportunity to punish herself for her indecision. The two tracks would play over and over.
Chakotay had seen Janeway leave. She was very upset, and something told him it wasn’t just because of the tragedy of the movie - they were all misty-eyed over that. He longed to go talk with her to make sure she was alright, but he had to sit through the rest of the movie, or risk even more rumors, though some were pretty creative in an appropriate way.
Once standing outside Janeway’s quarters, he thought for a brief second about not going in. Sometimes a woman wanted to be alone with her emotions. But there was a heart-wrenching sadness coming from the room that wouldn’t let him leave. But it wouldn’t allow him to enter, either.
He went back to his quarters and called upon his spirit guide. Instead of taking him to the forests of his home planet she took him to the Voyager and into Janeway’s quarters. The sadness he had felt outside was one hundred times stronger inside.
Do not let it overcome you, there is much to see.
He nodded to the gray wolf and looked at Janeway. She was sitting on her couch staring out the view port. She was crying hard - something he had never known her to do - and in her right hand she was fingering... something. He moved in for a closer look. It was small gold ring on a thin gold chain. Where did it come from? Perhaps Mark had given it to her. Did she always wear it? He’d never noticed before. But, if Mark had given it to her, why was it not on her finger? It’s not like it was inappropriate to wear an engagement ring, if that’s what it was. (He preferred not to think about that possibility.) Maybe it didn’t come from Mark.
As he listened more closely he could hear music playing in the background. It was familiar.
‘Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you.’
He was finally able to place it. It was the ending title from the movie they had just seen. Was it pure coincidence she was listening it? She missed the last half hour of the movie, how could she know?
He longed to comfort her. To put his arms around her and tell her everything would be alright, to whisper words of consolation.
Janeway felt someone else in the room with her. It wasn’t the someone’s-watching-you feeling, it was warm and comforting.
‘You’re here, there’s nothing I fear.’
Perhaps it was Justin coming to comfort her. The feeling drew her out of the dark abyss she was plunging into. The feeling wrapped itself around her, comforting her, warming her. It seemed to tell her that everything was going to be alright.
The guards much have been watching her to see when she was going to waken, for she was barely awake when the cell door was thrown open. She was forced out of bed and dragged down the hallway. Once in the tunnels she was put to work. The little girls was working next to her. Janeway was relieved to see that she was alright. For the past few days they had been working in different places and she worried that the girl was being punished for things she shouldn’t have been.
The sound of a firefight echoed down the tunnels preceded by a stray shot. Quickly the two guards left their prisoners. They wouldn’t cause any trouble, there was no where to run.
Once the guards were gone, Janeway and the girl put their tools down at the same time and stood. They took off down a tunnel, melting into the shadows. YOU KNOW, KATHRYN, YOU NEVER DID FIND A MAP. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHERE YOU’RE GOING? Does it matter? At least we have a shot at getting out of here. OUT OF THE FRYING PAN AND INTO THE FIRE. O ye of little faith. YOU HAVE NO FORMAL ESCAPE PLAN. Have I had the time? YES! MAYBE YOU DON’T WANT TO LEAVE. She quit listening to the voices in her head, they were confusing her.
The ducked into a corner just as a group of guards were hurrying to the fight. Once they had past, the two fugitives continued slinking through the shadows.
The Servant of the Patron hurried to the fight. This was not good. If the prisoners won most likely all of the guards would be dead and if the guards won the prisoners would be whipped to death. Everyone in the compound had been sent to the scene, there was no way the prisoners could win. She had been sent to find the auburn-haired prisoner who had fascinated the doctor so much. She had already checked her cell and found it empty. Hopefully she wasn’t in the thick of the fight.
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