Star Wars Humor and Such

The Star Wars Drinking Game

Drink When . . .

Someone has a bad feeling about this

It's their only hope

Somebody gets choked

A woman other than Leia is on the screen

An old Jedi starts to ramble on about the Force (Vader counts)

Somebody's hand gets cut off

A gigantic technological marvel explodes in a single blast

There is a tremor in the Force

It's not someone's fault

One or more heroes are almost eaten by a Thing

A Jedi is much more powerful that he looks

Someone exclaims "No!"

Someone does something apparently suicidal that turns out to be a good idea

***Twice if it's not Han***

Someone wears the same outfit in all three movies (it counts if they change in the end)

Someone is mind-controlled using the Force

People kiss

A good guy wears white or a bad guy wears black

***Twice if a bad guy wears white and a good guys wears black (for uniforms, only the first person on screen counts)***

******Three times if someone hovering in between wears grey******

Everytime you find yourself talking to the people on the screen

An elaborately made up alien has no lines

Some ship crashes into something after being hit

An Imperial bureaucrat says something disparaging or elitist (e.g. "Rebel scum" or"insignificant rebellion")

Someone has a light saber duel (including just using light saber)

An Ewok dies and the camera lingers longer than it did when the Death Star exploded, killing billions of people (fourteen seconds, count them)

Boba Fett talks

An entire planet is described as have one climate

Han brags about the Millennium Falcon

Anyone insults the Millennium Falcon

***Twice if it's Leia***

Something doesn't work on the Falcon

***Twice if it's the hyper drive***

Someone or something tries to get money from Han

Leia insults someone

Leia wears an outfit that covers everything except her face and hands

***Twice is it covers her neck***

******Three times if she's almost totally nude******

It is Luke's destiny

Luke whines

Luke discovers a long lost relative

Luke fights monsters or savages

Luke does some nifty acrobatic flip

Luke teeters on the brink of a chasm

Luke is upside-down

Luke and Lando are in the same place at the same time

***Twice if they speak to each other***

Luke's parentage is foreshadowed

Luke refuses to take someone's advice

Luke yells "Artoooo!"

Luke is confused / taken aback

C-3PO loses a body part

***Twice if he is completely dismembered***

C-3PO informs us of just how many forms of communication he's familiar with

Nobody listens to C-3PO's advice

***Twice if he is giving the odds of survival***

If Chewie actually sounds like he is using words, not just one long howl

Vader runs into one of his kids and doesn't recognize them

***Twice if he tries to kill them***

Vader's suit gets more and more detailed each movie

The Emperor cackles evilly

The Emperor has foreseen something

Tarkin brags about the Death Star

Any officer speaks with a British accent

An Imperial Ship is destroyed

A TIE Fighter explodes for no reason

Obi-Wan Kenobi materializes for a guest appearance

Obi-Wan Kenobi plays detective (e.g. "Only Stormtroopers are so precise")

R2-D2 gets thrashed

R2-D2 plugs into the wrong socket and his head spins around

A Rebel pilot is of a race other than white

***Twice if they're not human (co-pilots count)***

A Rebel pilot says "Nice shot..."

A Rebel pilot says "I've been hit..."

Wedge (the only Rebel pilot competent enough to make it through all 3 movies besides the main characters) makes an appearance

***Twice if he speaks***

Stormtroopers shoot everywhere but where they're aiming

Stormtrooper armor proves useless

Yoda uses bad grammar

Yoda talks like a fortune cookie

(To the tune of YMCA, sung by the Village People)

--- - YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down. I said
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown. I said
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I

*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear. I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here? How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say

*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got

*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah. He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far. I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot. It is

*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
come and sample my homemade crud!

OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me? I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see! Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave! Betcha

*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends? To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you

*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!
If you do so, you'll lose your hand!

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.

(repeat and fade).

Signs That You May Be A Complete Star Wars Addict

You watch the entire trilogy at least once a month.
You don't need a TV and VCR to watch the movies.
You know at least 10 Star Wars website addresses by heart.
You know all the forms in which it's been released (theater, Pan & Scan video, Letterbox, Laserdisc, THX, special edition, etc.) and know the differences between them.
You can recite *all* the dialogue from the entire trilogy.
You quote the trilogy at apropos moments.
You draw comparisons to Star Wars in casual conversation.
You are reading this list.
You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.
When your alarm clock goes off in the morning, your reply is, "Unexpected this is... and unfortunate!"
You know the names of all major cast members and what they're doing now.
You have a list of major bloopers and inside jokes in your head.
You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.
You're always game to hear the latest rumor about the new films.
Even if you don't buy the spinoff material, you know it's out there, who wrote it, who published it, and you can probably give a synopsis of it.
You can pick more nits out of a spinoff novel than Lucas himself.
You hunt through ROTJ frame-by-frame searching for the shoe.
You have gone over ANH and ESB frame-by-frame, just in case someone put a shoe in there, too.
You think John Williams is the greatest composer ever lived.
You wonder why the SW theme never makes it into any of those "Classical Collections"...
You make lists like "101 Uses for An Ewok," OR "Signs You May Be a SW Addict!" (no comment)
Your Internet handle or signature refers to Star Wars.
Your friends regularly quiz you on SW factoids.
Whenever you buy a new appliance, you always make sure and get that one that speaks Bocce.
You know more about the major characters' personalities than Lucasfilm does.
When something is just out of your reach, you close your eyes and try to "force" it into your hand.
When your professor hands you back a paper and says, "Commas are your weakness," you retort, "And your faith in your friends is yours!!"
You know all the words to that Ewok song.
Every time someone tells you one of their deepest secrets you gloat and say, "You're far too trusting."
You insist on telling people the odds about everything!
People tell you to stop saying, "I have a bad feeling about this" so often.
You are counting the days until movie one of the prequels.
You can't pick up a flashlight without waving it around and humming.
You think the babblings of Yoda are relevant and useful to everyday life.
When you experience insomnia, you begin counting nerf.
You know what a nerf is.
You see the line, "A long time ago..." and actually wonder what they're doing now.
Whenever you see a cinnamon bun, you can't help but think of princess Leia!
You bet your friends on how many times the band will play the Imperial March at a football game.
Yoda and Ben appear to you in your dreams and you take their advice on a regular basis.
When you put Star Wars in the VCR and push play, it's like you're being transported to another world.
Someone mentions being abducted by little green men and you respond by pointing out that Yoda would never do such a thing!
You find yourself discussing characters from the books and movies as if they were actually old friends of yours.
You don't need subtitles when an alien speaks in one of the movies.
You have a pet named after one of the characters.
You have a child named after one of the characters or stars.
You truly believe you are strong in the Force.
A SW *.wav file plays on your computer whenever you do a windows application.
When you get in trouble your parents know that the only effective method of punishment is to take away your privilege to watch Star Wars.
You dream about Star Wars, both at night and during the day.
When you read Star Wars books, you can see it happening in your head.
You can't quote a line from the trilogy without acting like the person who actually said it!
You've actually assembled a working lightsaber.
You search swamps looking for Jedi Masters.
You refer to your mother-in-law as "the Hutt."
You listen to the Imperial Theme for inspiration.
You listen to any other Star Wars music for inspiration.
You are still reading this list! :)
You have Star Wars checks.
You send a shoe to George Lucas, hoping it will make it in his next film!
You can contribute at least 3 new ideas to this list.
You truly believe there really is a Lando System, they just haven't found it yet.
When stuck in a compromising situation you: a) attempt the Force "choke"; b) plead out loud for Ben's help; c) brag that you're a Jedi Knight and tell people not to underestimate your powers.
You argue with friends/relatives about which movie you're going to watch.
You've ever made a telephone answering machine message pertaining to Star Wars.
Obi-Wan is your only hope.
You know more about the history of Tatooine than you do Earth.
You finish every sentence with "may the Force be with you."
You refer to your trash can as R2-D2.
You call your piece of shit car, "Millennium Falcon."
When someone makes fun of your car you retort, "but it's the fastest hunk-a-junk in the galaxy."
You demanded a recount on the Oscar ballot for Best Picture, 1977.
You use a Star Wars quote to get out of every sticky situation you come in to.
You're convinced that you will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy than at a Star Trek convention.
You refer to the movies in the form of acronyms and episode numbers - and you wonder who the hell was "kahn" and why he was so "wrathful."
You defend the acting of one Mark Hamill.
You wave your hand purposefully and "use the Force" to open and close automatic doors or elevator doors.
You dropped your religion to follow the teachings of Master Yoda.
You get pissed every time you hear someone call a Jedi's coolest weapon a "lifesaver."
You wish there was a Wookiee Language Camp somewhere during the summer. (We'll give those Klingons a run for their money).
People at your nearest hardware store wish you would quit calling and asking if they have a lightsaber kit.
Your life dream is to be in or help make a Star Wars movie.
You think this list has some good ideas for fun things to do.
You buy Star Wars pez dispensers so you can have conversations with the characters.
You have over 45 Star Wars books.
You silently laughed when all the former Star Wars mockers started talking about it at school after the Special Editions were released.
You provoke other chatters on the Internet into trivia battles.

Top # Lists

Top 7 reasons why SW is better than ST....
From JKKJAK
7. two words: the music
6. In ST, they have the brig. In SW they have rancor pits.
5. Jabba the Hutt against Captain Janeway.
4. What good is the Enterprise gonna be against that??? (Pointing at the Death Star)
3. In ST the good guys solve problems by talking it out. In SW the good guys, well, they have LIGHTSABERS. See if anybody has a problem with 'em.
2. Stormtroopers don't use the prime directive. They use Blasters.
1. Take the Death Star up against The Enterprise and see what happens.

TOP 10 ONE-ON-ONE STAR WARS/STAR TREK FIGHTS WE'D LOVE TO SEE
BY: KENNETH WALKER
10). CHEWBACCA VS. WORF
9). ADMIRAL DAALA VS. SELA
8). FALCON VS. THE DEFIANT
7). THE RANCOR VS. KIRK
6). LANDO CALRISSIAN VS. QUARK (SABACC ANYONE?)
5). R2-D2 VS. DATA (HACKFEST '96)
4). HAN SOLO VS. WILL RIKER

3). ADMIRAL THRAWN VS. KHAN (THEY'D PROBABLY WORK TOGETHER)
2) YODA VS. Q (NO CONTEST, ONE SIZE MATTERS NOT AND Q'S SARLACC FLOSS)
AND, THE NUMBER ONE SW/ST ONE-ON-ONE WE'D LOVE TO SEE:
1). FIVE WORDS: JADE, DAX, NUDE MUD WRESTLING.

TEN REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN STAR TREK
From John Midgley
10. I've never heard anyone in Star Wars brag about knowing a ship like the back of his hand and then hit his head on an overhang.
9. James Earl Jones' voice is not as irritating as Majel Barret's.
8. Compared to Darth Vader, Q is just too melodramatic.
7. Compared to Vader, Khan is just too high-strung.
6. Star Wars isn't afraid to put the women in charge (ex. Leia, Mon Mothma, Admiral Daala, etc.).
5. In Star Wars, dead is dead. None of this Spock-Vulcan-resurrection bullcrap.
4. In Star Trek, to fix something you need to know about Dilythium Crystals and Anti-matter enducers and Isolinear Chips and yadda yadda yadda. In Star Wars, the only thing you need to know is that THIS one goes here, THAT one goes there!!
3. Those Ewoks aren't as annoying as those damn tribbles, plus they make better fighters too. The tribbles are only good for target practice.
2. In Star Trek, the main reason that the Borg are such a big threat is that they can adapt to laser fire, and block it. Yeah, right. Let's see how they adapt to a pissed off Wookie ripping their arms off.
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON...
1. George Lucas and John Williams.

From dave Phillips:
Top 21 Rejected Film Titles
Desperately Seeking Skywalker
R2: Judgement Day
Wookiee Cushion
Revenge of the Ewoks
A-Wing and a Prayer
Strategic Defense Initiatives
Han Solo and the Whiny Kid
On Swampy Pond
The Good, The Bad, and the Ewoks
Palpatine Forever
Clone Wars: The Musical
A Fistful of Credits
Mighty Morphin Power Jedi
Romancing the Holocron
Star Wars II : The Wrath of Darth
The Empire Cops an Attitude
What About Darth?
The Darthman Cometh
A Few Good Jedi
Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Space (but were afraid to ask)
Forrest Jedi

Top 10 Complaints Leia has about Han
By Jody M. Reeves
10. Has a big walking carpet for a best friend
9. Never helps out with the household chores or the kids, claims he's in it for the money
8. Shoots dinner guest, *then* apologizes for the mess
7. Keeps insisting that Leia dresses up as a bounty hunter and set off his thermal detonator
6. Keeps inviting Lando over, who stays until 2 am --- talking about his maneuvers at the Battle of Tanaab and drinking all the Colt 45
5. Every Life Day, he takes Chewie to Kashyyyk and does a cameo in a lousy holiday special
4. Would rather play with his hydrospanners
3. Still lets that Ewok cling to his leg
2. He's fast enough for you, kid
And the number one complaint Leia has about Han:

1. It's never his fault

From dhess@ix.netcom.com
Top ten ways to know you bought a second-rate Death Star:
10. It has a central exhaust port just below the main port.
9. It is not a fully armed and operational battle station.
8. It won't go into hyper space unless you yell, "Engage!"
7. It has the ability to destroy a planet, but it is still insignificant next to the power of the force.
6. It was designed by NASA.
5. Every corridor leads to a large, bottomless pit.
4. The Jawas sold it to you at a loss.
3. The "Intel Inside" sticker is starting to peel off.
2. It has NCC-1701 painted on it.
1. One word: "Outgassing!"

JUST A FEW OF THE REASONS WHY STAR WARS IS BETTER THAN REAL LIFE:
1. In real life, people drive "the Pacer", "the Pinto", an"the Station Wagon"
In Star Wars, people drive "Speeder Bikes", "X-wing fighters", and "the Millennium Falcon."
2. In real life, bar fights with strange looking people are often looked at as bad and sinful;
In Star Wars, bar fights with strange looking creatures is heroic and the way of the just Jedi Knight.
3. In real life, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called crazy;
In Star Wars, people that talk to small fuzzy creatures are called galactic ambassadors.
4. In real life, people who dress up in tight plastic/leather outfits are considered tacky and queer;
In Star Wars, they're called "Storm Troopers" and are feared by all.
5. In real life, people often stink up the bathroom with their fecal odors, toilet paper runs out, and people get diarrhea;
In Star Wars, no one has ever used the bathroom.
6. In real life, tall hairy, humanlike creatures are rarely seen by backwoods alcoholics, and are named ridiculous things like "Bigfoot" and "Sasquatch";
In Star Wars, tall hairy humanlike creatures are called Wookiees, and have their own language, planet, social structure, and carry formidable weaponry
7. In real life, people must deal with the problems of children;
In Star Wars, children do not exist.
8. In real life, it is often difficult to understand the languages of others, such as 7-11 employees, fast food window operators, and college profs.;
In Star Wars, everyone understands everybody, regardless of language barriers.
9. In real life, the extremely obese are often sadly shunned by society;
In Star Wars, the extremely obese Jabba the Hutt is a pimp daddy, and has his own sail barge, lounge room, and scantily clad female dancers to keep him occupied--he is envied by all.
10. In real life, people often have problems doing simple mechanical things like operating can openers, programming VCRs, and playing Nintendo;
In Star Wars, Droids do all the busy work in half the time.
11. In real life, some people are complete losers;
In Star Wars, everybody has a story to tell that's worth listening to.
12. In real life, people sometimes smell;
In Star Wars, people are never "ripe", and yet they need not shower.

From: jdoran@ivory.trentu.ca
TOP 10 STAR WARS-ish THINGS TO SAY WHEN YOUR PARENTS MAKE A SURPRISE VISIT TO YOUR HOUSE/DORM.
10. "Exciting is hardly the word I would use."
9. "Unexpected this is, and unfortunate."
8. Gesture around the room and say to your roommates, "If they don't go for this, we're gonna have to get out of here pretty quick."
7. Say to them, as they come in the door, " You've gotta lotta guts coming here after what you pulled."
6. "Hi son, we just stopped by to see if you would JOIN US for lunch." Reply with "I'll never join you! (distort your face) Then throw yourself down the nearest shaft.
5. Ask them for money, then if they ask why they must pay __________ (fill in the amount)... Have a friend yell "Because he's holding a thermal detonator!" (everyone dive for cover)
4. If they ask why the place is in such a mess reply with, "Your eyes can deceive you - don't trust them ... I've let go my conscious self and acted on instinct."
3. "I've got a bad feeling about this."
2. "Lock the doors, and hope they don't have blasters!"
1. If they ask how you are doing in school say, "When I left you, I was but the learner, now I am the master."

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE A TRUE STAR WARS FAN...
10. You have recurring nightmares about Episodes 1-3 being about a dysfunctional family of Ewoks.
9. You shell out 10 bucks for a magazine that describes the planet Tatooine.
8. You stick up for Mark Hamill even when you know he's a bad actor.
7. You'd actually want a copy of that lousy Star Wars holiday special.
6. You would feed yourself to the rancor if it meant finding out the name of Anakin's wife.
5. You foolishly believe that Lucas will ACTUALLY make more Star Wars movies, when you know he's just saying that so people will buy the new Star Wars merchandise and books, then in a year he'll give his famous "I don't feel like it" speech.
4. You waste your time writing Star Wars Top Ten lists.
3. At a Star Wars collectibles convention, you purchase Gammorean Guard saliva.
2. You believe President Clinton should increase its budget. (I'm sorry, wrong Star Wars!)
1. When arguing Star Wars against Star Trek, you use the words "Star Trek Sissy Boys" at least 15 times.

TOP TWENTY STAR WARS RELATED FAMOUS LAST WORDS
From yavin4@aol.com
20. "Aw, look captain! A cute furry animal!"
19. "I am fluent in over six mil..."
18. "No, sorry. You JUST missed the last Kenner figure."
17. "You seen that Vader guy's liver spots? Eeew!"
16. To Lando: "Hiya master!"
15. "There's a nice, big open cave in that asteroid right over there..."
14. "Emperor my butt!"
13. "Boba Fett? What a wuss!"
12. "Sorry, Kabe. All out of Juri Juice."
11. "Look mommy! Another moon just appeared out of nowhere! Only isn't it kinda small?"
10. "Whip, stir, whip, stir, whip, whip, stir!" (Holiday special joke)
9. "Hey look! A vornskr! Here kitty, kitty, kitty!"
8. "Here's a good idea! Let's come into the Hoth system real close!"
7. "TIE Advanced? Never heard of it, but I'm sure I take it in my Y-Wing."
6. :::In front of Qwi Xux::: "Bawk! Bawk, bawk, bawk!" while flapping arms
5. "Don't worry, this blaster has PLENTY of power left!"
4. "Finally! I've always wanted my own X-TIE!"
3. "Wuher! Check out this new droid I got!"
2. "Look at that ceeeeute little thing! What's his name again? Rukh?"
And the number one Star Wars related famous last words:
1. "And now back to the Star Wars Holiday Special!"