In Honor and Memory of:

Shadow (My Dog) 1991-2000

8/10/00

For those of you who don't know, Shadow is one of my dogs.  At the moment, he's nine years old.  He hasn't had a very easy life.  As a puppy he was hit by a car, and had to have his tail removed.  Later he began having seizures, and so was put on four types of medication, all of which together could only hold them off for periods of time.  After that he had a bad case of pancreatitis, which can, and did, bring on diabetes.  He's been doing even worse lately, and my family can't deal with the stress anymore.  Tomorrow we're taking him to the vet to have him put to sleep.      This page is for him.

This seemed appropriate.  It's titled I Stood By Your Bed Last Night

I stood by your bed last night. I came to have a peep. I could see that you were crying. You found it hard to sleep. I whined to you softly as you brushed away a tear, "It's me, I haven't left you, I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here" I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea. You were thinking of the many times, your hands reached down to me. I was with you at the shops today. Your arms were getting sore. I longed to take your parcels, I wish I could do more. I was with you at my grave today. You tend it with such care. I want to reassure you, that I'm not lying there. I walked with you towards the house, as you fumbled for your key. I gently put my paw on you, I smiled and said "it's me". You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair. I tried so hard to let you know, that I was standing there. It's possible for me, to be so near you everyday. To say to you with certainty, "I never went away". You sat very quietly, then smiled, I think you knew… In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you. The day is over…I smile and watch you yawning and say "Goodnight, God Bless, I'll see you in the morning". And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide, I'll rush across to greet you and we'll stand side by side. I have so many things to show you, there is so much for you to see. Be patient, live your journey out…then come home to be with me. ~Author Unknown

The loss of a loved one or family member is a feeling that can never be explained, only felt.  I only wish that none of you are ever capable of understanding what it does feel like.  I can't imagine a worse feeling in the world.  In the past few years, I've lost far to many family members including both grandfathers and my uncle, who was quite young.  Unfortunately, I was not as close to them as I should have been, and so oddly as it may seem, Shadows was the most painful loss I've ever experienced.  It created such a gaping hole in our home that it didn't even feel like home.  What for the last nine years of my life has been the familiar sound of two dogs barking like crazy every time someone walked anywhere near our house has suddenly become only the sound of one dog.  Even the lack of far too many medicine bottles on the counter is strange.  Though the situation wasn't a good one, it was the usual one, and it was life.  All that is different now.  Even at college, away from home, I can feel the difference.  I know Shadow is not going to be there when I go home for vacations, and even when I'm simply on the phone talking to my parents, the simple fact that they only have to yell at one dog to be quiet hurts.  We were supposed to go out and buy a tree to plant for Shadow before I went back to college.  Unfortunately, things got really hectic, and we didn't get a chance.  By now though, the tree should be planted and growing in our backyard.  Come see it if you get a chance.      I only wish there were something I could put here to convey the raw emotion of grief and loss; however, I know that if I could, and if I did, no one would come to this page.  It would simply hurt too much.

I know I'll see you again, whether far or soon.  But I need you to know that I care.  I miss you....  ~Incubus

11/15/01      I never thought I'd be coming back here to write more.  It's been over a year since Shadow's been gone, and life is completely back to normal.  I have a picture of him by my computer, and occasionally look at it and think about him.  Sometimes I get sentimental and sit in a dark room with a candle.  Something occurred to me, and I decided it was worth writing down.  Many people have songs that remind them of someone, and when things sour with that person the music seems tainted.  I've made a point of never doing that, because music is too important to me to lose a song just for a person I have a problem with.  For the first time ever, I noticed that I've not only given a song to someone, but an entire band.  If you don't know who Guster is, download it.  It's some of the best music I know, and also some of the best for making you feel better when you need it.  So now I sit in the dark with a candle burning, and Guster playing in the background.  I don't think I'll ever finish saying goodbye, but this helps the worst of it.