The Nuclear Chaos

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Prior to the Vision and experience (journal excert)

Blue is {added information}

I performed a meditation on Chaos. I stared blankly at the large Chao sphere above my altar. All the while listening to the loud discordant jungl-esque beats of Aphex Twins album "Richard D. James". The music was sonic chaos. I then started to think about things apparently in opposition: Love/ hate, hot/ cold, desire/ aversion. Things around me started to grow grey and white. I continued all the while using the Chao sphere as a focal point. I then got an idea. I invoked AZATHOTH {no prior experience with it}. It was odd. Before I did this though, I invoked Inanna for protection of me and the ones I know. As I called AZATHOTH's name. My surrounding started to waiver. To ripple like a waters surface, the only thing that was not waivering was the Chao sphere. Then there was this eye which came out of the center of the sphere. It seemed as though the eye was coming from another universe. It was AZATHOTH! I knew. The eye was looking around seeing (I think) where it was or the such. I only let this last for about 2-3 minutes, or so it seemed. I then used a banishing pentagram, and evokation of Diana and Pan to seal the gate. I guess that's what it was {reference to the gate}. I will definitly try this experiment in the future again. {A few days later, I had the below experience}.

Today is 8/12/97. It is now 9:30 am. Let me tell you about CTHULU, let me tell you of AZATHOTH.

I met them last night. All Drunk and Funked with my Brea(K)fast Cereal. I sank, I sank through the floor and into utter maddness an endless cacaphony of noise and garbled utterly maddening sounds. All time dissolved, all being dissolved. My parents did not exist, tom and jeff (friends) and anything were some outcropping of temporary order. I realized I could not goto NewYork because there was no "I" and NewYork never was. A liquid primal soup was all that could be grasped even in the most remote sense. It was somthing absolutely and utterly alien to me. It is surprising that I could actually maintain my sanity. You have absolutely no idea off the absolute maddness and chaos. Two days ago, a ritual and some magick (edited). Some involving a possesion by Gaia and Ganesh. It is this that I believed saved my life. Because they were inside. It seems to me that these 'gods' were the only thing holding my mind together in the face of AZATHOTH. I speak to you the truth, this is absolutely 'real', whatever that means. The Gods were expelled from my being by this chaos. All dissolved, I could reach into the past, but the past was non-existent, only temporary ideas pervaded and I saw myselfwalking around the block, to partake of my Brea(K)fast Cereal, and the maddness reached out into the past and all became apparent. I swear to god, the gods of goodness that I heard flutes, I heard flutes playing amid the limbo. A sweet serenade over utter pandemonium. Such a parody, such blaspheme. What I experienced was complete and utter maddness and chaos. I thank the gods that were inside for maintaining my psyche, they acted as a buffer. Gaia - loving (?), deep, powerful (earth), and Ganesh- binder of demons and bringer of joy. They are still here with me, but the chaos drove them from me. They could not maintain cohesion. This was a blaspheme, the only blaspheme. A mockery of All (that seems sane).

What is Sanity? Let me tell you... You have no conception of maddness, anything you can think of pales by comparison. A friend once used the term psychonaut (as an astronaut), an explorer of the psychocosm. Absolutely dangerous, whatever that means. I understand the sleep of the Herd now. It is a blessing of their god(s). It is a bubble of order in this beings dreams. Yes, it was a being that was there, it was everything. Conscious beyond recognition. It was absolutely horrible to behold. I was not ready, but could I have ever been, I just thank my lucky stars, I was so close. Let this be my testement, please hear it. I could have died but it was irrelevant because we were already dead and never alive. Time was a delusion, all was one, your life became irrelevant. All the trivial banalities of our existence faded, they mean't nothing. I am thankful for the sleep, thankful of the herd "controling" this world. Thankful that this being was forced down to the bowls of creation, not away, because it is always here but not recognised. I am thankful for my life and my mind. I am scared. What I saw scared the living shit out of me. I need rest.

"Beyond the beyond is chaos. The gate/ door lies not here but in the great tower which is elsewhere but near. Here is the jar. The jar brings plague, famine and death. The jar is plague, famine and death. The jar is the scourge of doom, the breath of chaos, molded by the very hand that smites...
AZATHOTH was the big bang - the 'nuclear chaos' - but he (?) existed before, in a bivalvular shape, according to Al-Hazred, before the war with the Elder Gods. He (?) led the rebellion against the Elder Gods and was punished, thereby creating this universe and the laws that govern it...

AZATHOTHif the Gate in anti-matter time references...

AZATHOTH here in the matter of the universe would result in an explosion!...

AZATHOTH is nothing(?)... a nuclear explosion - the Big Bang at the center of infinity, bereft of mind - the 'Blind Idiot God'! The primal Power, Godhead, Chaos!... To Call upon that Sultan an ensorcelled metal needs be devised with utmost caution, which may be found only by the most powerful use of extreme and dangerous thaumaturgies. To raise the Ultimate Chaos would be fool hardy, indeed suicide, and not less so even for the practiced delver into the forbidden Arts. The invocation and its shield are of but temporary duration, for the opening of a Gate to the Blind Idiot God brings only destruction..."