4). Seletive deafness syndrome: oddly occurs when he/she is standing on rider's foot. Symptoms also include a complete obliviousness to all prods and shoves from said rider.
3). False width perception: even those with perfect eyesight will suddenly misjudge distance and width when passing through a gate, BUT, only when accompanied by a person. Continuation of this practice will eventually result in bruised ribs and misplaced knee-caps - for rider.
2). Sensitivity to embarassment: horse aquires the sudden and amazing ability to sense potentially embarassing situations for his rider, and act on them. Signs to watch for include; refusing to be caught in front of an audience; relieving himself in show ring; biting people as they bend to retrieve something.
1). Mud addiction: the first signs that your horse may be addicated to mud are a large earthy patch in the middle of his field and the appearance of a clod of mud with legs in place of your horse. Cravings usually occur after receiving a thorough grooming, or the night before a show. Unfortunately, there is no cure, and all horses fall victim to it at some time. Well-fitting rugs may provide relief (for rider), but the only real solution in to keep horse in specially prepared, mud-free enviroment.
Good reason for selling - Yes. He's a lazy b*****d
Easy to catch - If you've trained in the army for a decade.
Lovely mover - Can evade your catching attempts with the grace of a ballet dancer.
Here's a little ol' poem about *cough* a horse I know...okay, okay, he actually is my horse....
A Pony Tale
There is a pony down our road
With legs like a kangaroo, eyes like a toad.
His mane is plaited with blue thread
His tail is matted with mud
He wants to jump at Hickstead
Do you think he could?
There is a pony down our lane
With teeth like a rabbit, a neck like a crane.
He has friends in the duck pond-
They let him eat their bread.
He's as thin as spaghetti,
Do you think he's fed?
There is a pony on our street,
With a head like a donkey and size seven feet.
I'm sure you must have seem him,
Under the big ol' pine.
But you don't know who owns him?
Well actually, he's mine!
A circus trainer was riding his horse around the circus ring when a little dog jumped
into the ring and shouted:
“Hello there!”
“Hello,” said the surprised trainer. “I didn’t know that dogs could talk.”
His horse
turned his head and said:
“You learn something new everyday, don’t you?”
A mans’ car suddenly stopped when he was driving down a country lane. He stepped
out of the car and looked inside the bonnet to see if he could fix it.
After a while, a
horse ambled up beside him, had a look at the car, and said:
“Your trouble is probably the carburettor.”
The man was so amazed that he ran down the road until he met a farmer walking
towards him. He stopped the farmer, and told him what had happened.
“Did the horse have a white patch in the middle of his forehead?” asked the farmer.
“Yes, yes!” cried the motorist.
“Don’t pay any attention then,” said the farmer, “that was only old Star, and he doesn’t
know a thing about cars.”
Two men bought a horse each at a sale. Both horses were similar, so Sam said to Paul:
“How shall we tell the horses apart?”
“I tell you what,” said Paul. “We’ll bob the tail of one of them.”
But by mistake, both tails got bobbed, so they were still in the same predicament.
Then, Sam suggested: “Well, we could keep a headcollar on one all the time.”
This was done, but unfortunately, the horses lost the headcollar, and they were back to
where they started. Suddenly, Paul had a brainwave.
“I know what we’ll do,” he cried. “You take the black one, and I’ll have the grey!”
Little Boy: Dad, there’s a man at the circus who jumps on a horse’s back, slips
underneath, catches hold of his tail, and finishes on the horse’s neck
Father: That’s nothing. I did all that the first time I rode a horse.
Why is a good-natured horse unlikely to be a good jumper?
Because it won’t take offence (a fence)
What game do horses like playing best?
Stable-tennis
If a horse loses his tail, where does he get another?
At a re-tail shop.
The God of Thunder went for a ride on his favourite horse.
“I’m Thor!” he cried.
The horse replied:
“You forgot the thaddle, thilly!”
What is horse sense?
Just stable thinking.
What’s black, and can see just as well from either end?
A horse with his eyes shut.
A city dweller came to a farm and saw a very beautiful horse. He decided that he must
have the animal, so he bargained with the farmer, and finally got the horse for a very
high price.
The city man jumped on the horse and shouted
“Giddy-up!” But the horse didn’t move a muscle.
The farmer explained:
“This is a very special horse, he used to work in a circus, and he’ll only move if you
say ‘Praise the Lord’ to him. To stop him, you must say ‘Amen’.”
Keeping this in mind the city man yelled: “Praise the Lord!” at the top of his voice, and
at that the horse took off with very great speed and headed off towards a cliff. The
rider panicked, and only just in time remembered to shout “Amen!” at which the horse
came screeching to a halt right at the very edge of the cliff.
Feeling very relieved,
the rider raised his eyes to heaven and exclaimed:
“Praise the Lord!”
