So here I am. Here. Home. "Home" I guess is more appropriate. I've been here just about 24 hours and I still can't place my finger on what's wrong. I've got to be honest...it's not all that fabulous. "There's something beyond this...but I hope I can find the words to say..." (Vertical Horizon). I guess I've finally come to the realization that I don't live here anymore. My home is at school. My life is at school. Being here is just something I'm doing since school is closed. It's great to see Kelsey again, of course. But my arrival here was quite anti-climactic. And since there wasn't a whole lot that built up to it that isn't saying much. Everyone knows that I was strangely unemotional about coming here. And everyone shot back, increduously, "but it's Hawaii." Yes, I know. I just find it so strange that I could go from being so blissfully happy at school to being sort of cynical and detached here. It's almost as if I'm trying to prove that I'm better than this. Hmm. Maybe that's because I'm so scared that I'm not. You know I always criticize people for not knowing what's going on in the world, or for pretending that they do just because that's what they heard their professor say in clas...yet here I am doing the same thing. I'm spouting off election analysis Pitney gave us, and tossing out sarcastic comments on anything I don't know about. I don't like being like that, especially since it's so obviously not working. I mean this is my family, they know who I am.
I really don't know what's up. I just hope that I snap out of this funk in time to enjoy all the beauty and wonder around me. "I know it's touching / But I've been out of touch."
--Megan's rambling 12:44 am Tuesday December 19, 2000