* Sunshiney's Tribute to Red Dwarf *

"You're gonna go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it!"
- Cat

"Thanks for the offer, but I'd rather smear my genitalia with fish paste and dangle them in a pool of hungry piranhas."
- Rimmer

"There's an old cat saying, but you don't wanna hear it right now."
- Cat

"Take us to your leader."
- Lister

"Sir, there is nothing unmanly in howling like a hungry prairie dog.
- Kryten

"Next time I see him, he'll be sufferin' from a fist related teeth disorder!"
- Lister

"You know I'd rather wear sideways-pressed flares and a clip-on polyester tie than agree with goalpost head, but this time he's right."
- Cat

"What is wrong with you? You don't smoke, you never say 'bet your ass',and you never use your groinal attachment to stir anybody's tea!"
- Lister

"History, Lister - is written by the winners. How do we know that Oats went out for this legendary walk? From the only surviving document - Scott's diary. And he's hardly likely to have written down, "February the 1^st. Bludgeoned Oats to death while he slept, then scoffed him along with last packet of instant mash"! How's that gonna look when he gets rescued, eh? No! Much better to say, "Oats made the supreme sacrifice" while your dabbing up his gravy with the last piece of crusty bread."
- Rimmer

"I wonder why anyone would want to name their kid after an airport?"
- Lister

"Lister, you've heard the stories! They skin human beings alive and turn them into beanbags! Unless you want a triple-buttocked Gelf sitting on your face for the rest of eternity, and probing your crevaces for lost forks and biros, I suggest you rethink!"
- Rimmer

"Right, lets get out of here! I badly need to floss a piece of roasted dead person out of my teeth!"
- Cat

"It always HAS been a banana, it always WILL be a banana. It's a yellow fruit that you unzip and eat the white bits; it's a banana!"
- Kryten

"Has anybody got any whipped cream?"
- Lister

"Your type isn't Kochanski, Listy. It's someone called 'Tiffany'. It's someone who drinks Campari and soda and wears orange crotchless panties; someone who thinks Deely-boppers are funny; someone who says 'sumfink' instead of *something*, and laughs like a freshly wounded moose strapped to a cement mixer."
- Rimmer

"Kryten, the Eastbourne Zimmerframe Relay Team can easily outrun us! It's not about speed. It's about wit, brains and cunning."
- Lister

"Either we're under attack, sir, or we're having a disco."
- Kryten

"There all the same, those little blue-green planetoids! Blue, green and planetoidy!"
- Lister

"The materialisation must've scrambled its voice unit. It's making about as much sense as a Japanese VCR instruction manual."
- Kryten

"I didn't know it was his wife. I thought it was a publicity shot for 'Planet Of The Apes'."
- Rimmer

"Well, I said I'd be back for breakfast, how're those kippers doing, fellas?"
- Ace Rimmer

"He's to damned close! That power surge'll toss us around like we're a bead of sweat in an aerobic teacher's buttock cleavage!"
- Lister

"No officer with false teeth should attempt oral sex in zero gravity."
- Kryten

"Right, that's it. Lister, D, Third Technician. Offence, obstructing a superior technician by humming, clicking, and being quiet. When the Captain sees this you're dead."
- Rimmer

"I wonder why guys have nostril hair."
- Lister

"I've been pretty damn busy myself, actually. Let me see; I've begun researching the definitive history of pockets, and, I've alphabetised our entire stock of alphabet soup, grouping each individual letter together with it's fellows."
- Rimmer

"1-7-4-2. No member of the core should ever report for duty in a ginger toupee?"
- Kryten

"If you look to your right and to your left, you will notice there are no exits. In the highly unlikely event of the lift having to make a crash-landing, death is certain. Under your seats you will find a cassette for recording your last-minute testament, and from above your head a bag will drop containing sedatives and cyanide capsules."
- In-lift instructional video hostess

"Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liaison. A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept. And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion. You're forbidden passion fruit."
- Rimmer

"Waste disposal unit armed and ready, Sir."
- Kryten

Lister: "Anyway, I'm going to buy myself a little farm on Fiji, and I'm going to get a sheep and a cow, and breed horses."
Rimmer: "With a sheep and a cow?"
Lister: "No, with horses and horses."

"Er, is it a 'wibbly thing', or a 'swirly thing', sir?"
- Kryten

"The poor wretch - he has a faulty gun. He has accidentally shot me five times. Oh, how I love him!"
- Kryten(sort of)

"Rimmer. Have sex with someone and that's an order."
- Kochanski

"What I'm saying, Dave, is that it's better to have loved and to have lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John."
- Holly

"Camille I think I E5-A9-O8-B7 you."
- Kryten

Rimmer: "Good book?"
Lister: "Yeah, it's all right."
Rimmer: "I didn't think you read."
Lister: "Not much, but this is good."
Rimmer: "What is it?"
Lister: "It's your diary."

"I have a medium-sized fire-axe buried in my spinal column. That sort of thing can really put a crimp on your day."
- Kryten

"He's you and you're him, and you're him and he's him - am I still me? Who's eatin' this chicken? What the hell is going on???"
- Cat

"I just made an innocuous comment. I merely voiced the rumour that McWilliams was sexually tilted in favour of sleeping with the dead"
- Rimmer

"I don't want you to panic, Arn, but it does appear there's a very tiny possibility that there may very well in all likelihood possibly be a non-human life form on board."
- Holly

"Please! Before anyone says anything else, I'd just like to make a little speech: GO AWAAAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!"
- Rimmer

"We could go back to Dallas, in November 1963, stand on the grassy knoll and shout 'Duck!'"
- Kryten

"Do you mind? This is the Annual General Meeting of the Agrophobics' Society!"
- Lister

"Mr Flibble's very cross..."
- Rimmer

"Oh, it's a little box that goes "Bzzzt". Just what I've always wanted."
- Kryten

"Mind that bus, what bus, splat."
- Rimmer

"No vacuum cleaner should give a human a double polaroid!"
- Lister

"A "pub"? Ah yes, a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks."
- Kryten

"Rimmer, can't you tell the story is not gripping me. I am in a state of un-gripped-ness. I am completely smeggin' un-gripped. SHUT THE SMEG UP!"
- Lister

"OH, MY GOD! My name is Billy Doyle and my cologne is Eau de Yak Urine!"
- Rimmer

"Hook, line, sinker, rod and copy of Angling Times, Sir!"
- Kryten

"Errr... has anybody seen my legs? They don't appear to be below my waist, where I normally keep them. "
- Rimmer

"I'm coming around behind you to take you by surprise, sir."
- Kryten

"Oooh well, very, very basically, putting it as simply as I can, for your average layman to comprehend, a statis leak is a leak, right, in stasis, hence the name a stasis leak. "
- Holly

"My short-term memory has been erased. This, I ascribe to the proximity of the magnetic coils from starbug's rear engine. Secondly, due to the proximity of the magnetic coils, my short-term memory appears to have been erased. This, combined with the erasure of my short-term memory, has left me a little disoriented."
- Kryten

"We can't possible do that! Who would clear up the mess?"
- Rimmer

"So if she walked in here now, and, and took all her clothes off, and said 'Oh, make love to me, you horny dude', and I said, 'oh, perhaps you'd prefer to fold some sheets with me instead, sir?' What would you do?"
- Kryten

"You think I'm a petty minded, bureaucratic nincompoop who delights in enforcing penickity regulations 'cause he gets some sort of perverse pleasure out of it. And in many ways, you're absolutely damned right. That doesn't alter the fact that the only way we're gonna track down Red Dwarf and get through this in one piece is with a sense of discipline, a sense of purpose, and wherever possible, a sensible haircut."
- Rimmer

Cat: "...Can we see him?"
Rimmer: "See who?"
Cat: "The King."
Rimmer: "Do you have a magic carpet?"
Lister: "Yeah - a little three seater."
Rimmer: "...So let me get this straight. You want to fly on a magic carpet and see the King of the Potato People, and plead to him for your freedom. And you're telling me you're completely sane???"
(Added by Kirsty May 2 ^nd 98)

Cat: "There's an old cat saying - "If your going to eat tuna, expect bones""
Rimmer: "If you talk rubbish, expect pain."
(Added by Gr�inne May 3^rd 98, Homepage)

"What are you going to do with the sheep? Fit them with stilts? Or better still you could cross breed them with with dolphins and have leaping mutton...... Baaaaaaaa-SPLASH Baaaaaaaaaaa-SPLASH."
- Arnold Rimmer
(Added by Martyn Pysanczyn Sep 4^th 98)

"Well I can't say I'm total suprised. You'll bonk anything"
- Arnold Rimmer
(Added by Lee Jones Sep 9^th 98)

"Well, we know what to get you for christmas. A double lobotomy and ten rolls of rubber wall paper."
- Arnold Rimmer
(Added by Jenna Horko Oct. 14^th 98)

"Lookat us! What's happened to us?! Four days on a sprout diet with a wallpapering video and a crochet magazine, and we´ve gone absolutely bonkers!"
- Dave Lister
(Added by J.K.K. Oct. 16^th 98)

"WellI say we go out there and twat it!"
- Dave Lister
(Added by Matt Nov. 27^th 98)

"I don't know when the next geeky thing is gonna happen... *pfsh!* Guys? Guys?"
- Duane Dibley
(Added by Russ G. Jan. 2^nd 99, Homepage)

"This is my all time best lucky find I've ever found in the whole of today!!"
- Cat
(Added by Fiona Jan. 2^nd 99)

"All six of my nipples are tingling!"
- Cat
(Added by Josh Miller Jan. 27^th 99)

"I like my food to MOOOOOVE!!!!"
- Cat
(Added by Kitty Feb. 2^nd 99)

Rimmer: "See..me and Holly had this sort fo arrangement..."
Queeg: "SHUT UP!"
(Added by Megan Feb. 2^nd 99)

"You see I try,sir. I try and respect Rimmer and everything but it's not easy cos he's such a smeg head!"
- Lister
(Added by Hat Feb. 2^nd 99)

"No way are these my shorts.....these bend!"
- Lister
(Added by Isobel Stephenson Feb. 12^th 99)

Lister: "Holly? Give me his light bee. See ya, Rimmer."
Kryten: "Sir! What are you thinking of?"
Lister: "It's OK. He'll come out in a couple a days and he'll have been through what he put us through. Does any one fancy a vindaloo?"
(Added by Amanda Wolfe Mar. 4^th 99, Homepage)

"Smeg off, dogfood face!"
- Arnold Rimmer
(Added by Anonymous Mar. 6^th 99)

"I'm sharp. I'm on the case. I'm kicking bottom."
- Holly
(Added by Suzi Logan Mar. 9^th 99)

That's all for now. Thanks to the people who've added Quotes.