The Redneck Poke-Hunters
Once upon a time in the wonderfully happy land of Pokemon:
“ Farfetch’d, Far Far Fetch’d Far....” SLUCH
“DAMN IT EARL AH TOLDJA NOT T’ USE THEM BIG BEAR TRAPS THEMS KEEPS DECAPITATING ALL THE SMALLE POKECRITTERS”
The Pokemon Hunters stared at the blood ridden mass of feathers that once constituted a Farfetch’d, They constantly had the same occurring problem, Standard issue bear traps were not developed to catch the smaller pokemon as it tended to decapitate rather than catch. Earl, picked up the carcass and jammed it into a sack.
“WHY THE HELL DOSE YUSE KEEP COLLECTING THEM DAMN THANGS EARL? WE’S ALREADY GOT A PONYTA FOR LATERZ”.
“Ah’s sorry Val, ah just thought....”
“I KEEPS TELLIN YU YOU CAN’T THANK THATS WHY YUSE GOT ME, AH DO THE THINKIN” Said Val promptly walking head first into a tree
“eh are youse ok Val”
“O COURSE AM OK I WUZ MEANT TO DO THAT”
a Pidgey promptly fell out of the tree and laded on Val’s head
“GEEZ VAL A PEEKICHU”
Earl pulled out his shotgun and fired at the Pidgey obviously missing (having no concept of how to aim a gun) Put a 2 huge metal slugs into Val’s Brand new safari hat
“DOH ah missed Val”
“GOD DAMNIT EARL THAT WUZ NOT A PEEKICHU A PEEKICHU AIN’T GOT NO GOD DAMND WANGS”
Val looked down at his now wrecked hat, Val was very attached to his headgear, he had a different hat for every day of the year
“An ah just finished the last payment on that thang”
Circling around, the Pidgey headed back towards the pair, Flying low over Val, The Pidgey evacuated its bowels, all over Val’s, neat perm. Pulling out a colt .45, and taking careful aim at the Pidgey Val yelled out his fearsome battle cry that stuck fear into the hearts of pokemon everywhere.
“ HEY EARL CALL THE TWINS, WE’S EAT’N T’NITE”
He pulled the trigger and the Pidgey promptly went spiralling into the ground in a spray of feathers and blood. A Meowth rushed out from behind a bush and stole the carcass of the Pidgey and ran off into the Brush. Val stood looking in amazement before yelling
“GOD DAMNIT YOU L‘IL FUCKER A SHOOT THAT CRITTER FAIR N SQUARE YOU GIMME IT BACK NOW OR SO HELP ME.....”
Screaming, he ran after the Meowth, Earl pootled slowly after Val Dragging the Sack containing the Ponyta and what was left of the Farfetch’d. Val Ran into a Clearing and Saw the Meowth escape into a Bush
“Ah gotcha now yu lil theiven sun of a Nidoran”
Val dived into, (what he would soon discover to be a thorny) bush after the Meowth. A few seconds later Earl arrived on the scene just in time to hear the sound of fighting coming from one bush, Val staggered out , covered in thorns, and said in a high pitched shriek
“THAT THEIVEN CRITTER STOLE MA GOD DAMNED WALLET”
Earl Looked at the bush, then looked at the thorn covered Val,
“am sure glad you didn’t dive inta that bush”
Val just looked at earl in that way that you can tell instantly means ‘Just shut the Fuck up’ He staggered past Earl and promptly collapsed in a Heap on the floor
“ah you okays Val”,
“Shut up earl and set up camp it gettin late”
Earl Began to set up Camp on by an idyllic little stream covered in pink blossoms which they promptly turned into a ses pool by pissing in it an leaving all their beer cans around. Earl unpacked the Ponyta and tossed onto the fire, Earl sat down with a satisfied groan and looked at Val
“ah found us a Bellsprout we’s can have on the side”
“Are you nuts Earl you knows ah hates Veggie-tables”
“Am sorry Val ah forgo...” Earl Stopped in mid sentence “LOOK VAL A PEEKICHU”
“No Earl That’s a Rock”
“oh right, LOOK VAL A PEEKICHU”
“No Earl that’s yer sleepin’ bag”
“Sorry Val, LOOK VAL A PEEKICHU”
“No Earl that’s your foot”
“Oh yeah, LOOK VAL A PEEKICHU”
“No Earl thats the same Rock you pointed out 2 mins ago”
“LOOK VAL......” THUD Earl polaxed backward as Val twatted him in the head.
“WE DO THIS EVERY GOD DAMND NIGHT WITH THE SAME FUCKIN OBJECTS AM GETTIN SICK OF IT JUS GO T SLEEP N SHUT UP FOR ONCE”
Earl remained motionless. The culmination of the days excitement, 17 bottles of moonshine and a punch in the head had really taken it out of him, he drifted into a deep, alcohol induced dream where nothings really the way it seems and people throw fish at balloons.
Hours later, Earl awoke with a Venomoth on his face, wide eyed with excitment and fear he yelled out
“VAL, VAL AH FOUND A PEEKICHU, ITS ON MA FACE”
without opening his eyes Val replied “is it a rock?”
“NO”
“Is it yer foot”
“i don’t think so its got ayes”
“Does it have Wangs”
“Erm YEAH”
“Then it ain’t a God Damned Peekichu.”
“Can Ah kill it anyway”
“Yeah sure knock yerself out”
“Oh ok”
Earl Picked up a nearby rock and Smacked the Venomoth which was still on his face promptly knocking himself out yet again with Venomoth Guts all over his face. Val staggered out of his lil-hikers™ Safari Tent and looked at earl lying motionless on the ground,
“Ah didn’t mean literally”
He Kicked Earl’s comatose body for 10 consecutive mins before he woke again. The Day continued with their Daily pursuit of Breakfast, whichever unfortunate Pokemon happened to be spotted first.... unfortunately due to circumstances beyond their control, it turned out to be a Geodude.
“LOOK VAL AH PEEKICH....”
Earl was cut off in mid sentence by Val’s oversized Lil-Hikers™ jumbo fly swat “LOOK, SHUT UP EARL N CHASE IT”
“ah’ll get the net val”
“No you won’t, you’ll wait fur me t’ tell ya t geet tha net” Val hated Earl thinking for himself “GET THE NET EARL”
Earl grabbed the net and stumbled after the Geodude followed by Val. The Chase led the pair to the Road side where the Geodude was sensibly looking both ways before crossing, this gave Earl enough time to climb up on a rock and launch himself at the Geodude covering the poor bugger in Vals Lil-Hikers One size fits all Animal Net.
“Looky here Val ah Caught the Peekichu”
“Earl A PEEKICHU IS YELLA, THIS CRITTER IS GREY AND HAS NO LEGS”
“Can we eat it anywayz”
“Yeah Quick kill it....I’d do it maself but ah’ve gotta sharpen these sticks”
“Why Val?”
“Errr...."
Val looked sheepishly around in an attempt to avoid the inquiry into his strange and pointless behaviour
“DON ASK QUESTIONS BOY JUS KILL THAT GEOCRITTER SO WE’S CAN EAT”
“Ok Val” Earl looked around for his gun “Erm Val ah left ma gun back in camp”
“Impravase then boy”
“Right Val ill ....wasat word mean?”
“JUST MAKE SOMMIT UP”
Earl looked around the road side for a weapon, Val just sat back and sharpened sticks in an effort to make himself feel important. Val had REALLY gotten into his stick sharpening when he was distracted by a noise
“GEO GEO DUUUUDE”
Val spun round only to find Earl beating the Geodude to death mercillessly with...a broken pencil he had found.
“What are yu doin boy?”
“am imp-thaniying” Val just sighed and went back to his sticks leaving earl to his task. 2 hours past with the same monotonous extercise going on “Its still not Goin to Sleep Val”
“WELL USE A BIGGER STICK”
“ok Val” Earl scampered off into the bushes and returned with a twig and returned to his chore
“Earl you wanna try somthan a bit bigger?”
“Like?”
“A ROCK”
Earl looked at the tarmac road
“Hey Val is this Bif Enuff” Val just returned to his stick and said
“Is it bigger than yer head”
“Erm Yeah”
“Are you Sure”
“ well ah dunno how big ma head is”.
“Look just hit that crazy critter so we’s can go”
“OK Val” Earl raised the Geodude in the air by its arm and pounded the Geodude off the road untill its arm came off.
“Val ah done gone broked its eldebone so it points the other way”
Elsewhere, three kids and a Pikachu ( sound familiar?) were wandering through a particually nice area of the forest. The Pidgeys were singing, the Butterfree’s and other insect pokemon were going about their business. All was well in the wood. Suddenly, the Pikachu stopped and sniffed the air. One of the children, the one with the red and white cap crouched down and said
“Whats the matter Pikachu? You smell something?”
“pikaa” was the reply,
The tallest of the kids, the one with the spikey hair said
“Hey Ash, Pikachu senses something, It’s probably that Team Rocket again”
Slowly, the group crept forwards. All they could hear was the sound of rushing water. Pushing some bushes aside, Ash stepped into the clearing. It looked like a bomb had hit it, there were empty cans everywhere, a fire was still burning and the sickest thing of all, was the half eaten Ponyta corpse lying in the river. Pikachu was on Ash’s shoulder shivering and hiding his head. As they were standing there in disgust, a Rattata scampered into the clearing and over to the ponyta corpse. It jumped onto the severed head and started to nibble at the Ponyta’s eyelid. It sank its teeth into its soft brown eyeball. It burst The Rattata scampered away, whilst Ash and the young girl – Misty were sick. The taller boy, Brock Turned away.
“ who could have dome such a thing” remarked Ash
“I don’t know,” replied Brock “ It couldn’t have been Team Rocket though. They’re bad but they aren’t this bad”. Misty whimpered
“we can’t leave it like this, it’s disgusting”.
“Yeah, lets clean it up”
Ash, Misty, Brock and their Pokemon went about cleaning up the cess-pit. One of Misty’s Pokemon a Psyduck went wandering aimlessly around the campsite, falling over rocks and walking into trees in its traditionally bemused way. After the 15th rock and 23rd tree, it came upon a peculiar metal tube, in some amazing way, psyduck picked up the tube stuck it in the air and then saw a particulary shinny hook like opbject which he flicked. Their followed a large explosive bang followe by a recoil action which catapulted Psyduck across the clearing into the ribcage of the the Ponyta carcass.
A very familiar Meowth shaped Balloon was at that fateful moment passing over the clearing. James said to Jesse
“I like cake”
and promptly two high velocity metal slugs pierced the gas canister below the flame and sent them spiralling off to impending doom.
“Looks like Team Rocket’s blasting off... again!” yelled Jesse from the distance.
“Bugger” yelled Meowth.
“Hey Val, did sumwun sey cake?” asked Earl inquisitively
“No Earl Your imagining thangs again” said Val
Name – Val
Age – 28
Blood type – Same as all rednecks.
Pokemon – Growlithe (Fang)
Likes – Hunting, Lil-hikers gear, pokemon skins
Dislikes – Poke-centers, washing powder
Hobbies – Hunting, killing, mutilating, skinning, brutalising, mass cullings,
death, blood, butchering, massacres,
decapitating small animals.
Fears - Kakuna
Name – Earl.
Age – 27.
Blood type – afraid of needles.
Pokemon (agoraphobic) Snorlax (with an alcohol problem on Prozac) named (Fluffee).
Likes – Pie.
Dislikes – No Pie.
Hobbies – Eating Pies.
Fears – Pie shortages.