A Trip To The Supermarket

    One fine sunny day Noah, the sprout of Hades, went shopping. Unfortunately the trolleys were all in use, so he disemboweled the nearest sheep, stapled wheels to it and pushed it around the supermarket. Browsing in the knitted jumper section he wondered what the glassware tasted like. After what seemed like two hours which was in fact two hours he turned the corner and went into the glassware isle. Thinking he’d start tasting at the crystal champagne section, he reached for the first glass. Being a sprout, he couldn’t reach them, so, after rolling around, he came across a ‘happy to help’ person called Peter. Pleading on what would be his knees, if he had any, he said “Gizza boost, mate!” Not noticing the ranting sprout bouncing about at ankle height, Peter took a step backwards and missed poor Noah by ½cm. For those of you who aren’t metric, that’s about ½ ½ an inch. Noah turned white with fright and then turned a rather attractive shade of red and stayed that colour whilst he burrowed into the back of his foot with a pneumatic drill. Realizing he should have been, in fact, doing this to Peter, he took out the drill and started again. Peter howled in pain and started hopping around so Noah swallowed his other foot whole. Then he ate Peter’s. Peter fell over and provided Noah with an adequate step with which to reach the crystal champagne glasses. Opening his mouth as wide as he could, about 1cm, he bit the glass. Unfortunately, being a sprout and having no teeth was a bit of a drawback, so he sucked it (like you do with lollipops and penises and toes and heads and tables and rocks and Madagascan Rubber Trees). After a good days suck, he had a break and a Kit Kat. Satisfactorily satisfied, he rolled along the shelf knocking off all the glasses. When he had reached the end, he jumped off (quite an achievement for a Brussels sprout) and hoovered up the glass with a coconut which was on special offer for only 69p. Passing the decaffeinated coffee, he took a fancy to a teabag which he tried to mate with. Being a sprout and having no penis this was difficult, so he improvised and used a carrot which he jammed through one of the perforations in the teabag. Breaking out his Kamikaze hunting knife, he skinned a strange man sticking stickers with numbers on , on everything. After rolling him in salt for half an hour he bounced of to the tinned food section, where he dragged 42 tins of prunes and forced them into his sheep. Pondering upon whether going to the cheese or the fish counter, he absent mindedly set fire to a bag of flour, mistaking it for a pool table. After deciding to visiting the fish counter he went directly to the cheese counter and ordering the terrified staff to either cut him a gram of Cheddar or have their eyes popped out and then skewered all onto one barbecue spit (from the garden appliances aisle) The frightened staff cut the tiny portion and weighed it. It was 0.01 more than a gram. Screaming like a psychotically deranged, mentally unstable Brussels sprout, the psychotically deranged, mentally unstable Brussels sprout practically flew through the air, propelled by unknown forces ( a large tomato ) Noah bounced off the staff and a few innocent shoppers and came to a halt in the toiletries isle. Returning to the cheese counter to collect his 1.01 grams of cheddar he placed it in his sheep. On his way to the bread counter he noticed that the sheep had a dodgy wheel (Typical of supermarket trolleys and disemboweled sheep with stapled on wheels) In an insane rage he rushed around looking for a working sheep, but as usual all the decent ones were already in use. Returning to the original sheep he pulled it along to the bread section where he got a toasted teacake and a loaf of bread. Feeling the bread, he said “mmmmmm nice and soft just the way I like it.” Proceeding to the drinks section he forced the  bread into the sheep and started munching away at the teacake, which was at lease five times bigger than him. Deliberately picking up a six pack of cheap French cola (the stuff that makes your eyes water, rots your teeth in seconds and basically warps your brain from the inside out. He then rounded the corner and into an aisle entirely devoted to pickled onions “YUMMY YUM YUM” he exclaimed as loud as possible. This ‘yummy yum yum' was heard by a deaf individual listening to a radio over a continent away, in an underground room padded with sound proof material. Consulting the list he had in his pocket, well under a leaf as he wasn't wearing clothes, this was mainly because clothes just aren't made in sprout size. The next item on the list was some shaving foam. In the isle, he passed the disposable razors and taking a pack of 50 orange razors, he wedged them into the sheep. Finding a reasonable sized canister of foam, he shook it vigorously, which when your a sprout is not even enough to lift it, he squirted some out and sculpted a disguise. Quite impressed with his disguise, he proceeded to the in store pharmacy. He screamed at ‘Happy to Help Deborah’ for ten minutes his deranged warblings only managed to attract the attentions of an old incontinent mouse who was so high on the pharmaceutical drugs that he was floating about 2 inches from the ground. When the mouse was almost above him, Noah bounced up and nutted him in the chest, which only made matters worse as the mouse was violently sick all over him. In a crazed stupor, Noah held the mouse's tail and swung it round and round and round letting go, the mouse headed straight to the tampon shelf where it proceeded to make love to a super plus believing it to be the  mouse equivalent of Kelly Brook. Fuming with rage, Noah shredded a box of beachams powders and rolled in the powder in an attempt to absorb it through his skin, but again the major drawback was again the fact that he was a sprout, and therefore didn't have any skin anyway. With the combination of shaving foam, vomit and now headache powder, he resembled a smallish white ball and was consequently mistaken for a golf ball by a psychopathic man running from the entire police force of North America.

                The last thing poor Noah heard was the psychopath shouting “FOUR” landing in the crisps section he rolled back to the pharmacy where he ate some sedatives, these sent him to sleep. Waking up the next day feeling calmer, he looked at himself and, then because he couldn’t see anything due to the position of his eyes he rolled over to a spoon left over from yesterdays chase and realizing what a mess he was, he dragged the defective sheep to the fizzy beverages isle, here he opened a two litre bottle of lemonade and dived in. Floating on the surface, he wondered whether he would be able to notice a fart. Straining to squeeze one out he started to build up pressure. Unfortunately, being a sprout the luxury of an arsehole was denied to him, so instead he sank to the bottom of the bottle. Terrified he was going to drown he desperately tried to swim to the surface for air, after an hour of trying he noticed that being a sprout, he didn't need to breath, which was the first advantage he had ever known about. As his sheep was not with him he resorted to rolling from side to side to knock the bottle over and provide an escape. Eventually, he managed to escape the deathly bottle that didn't almost cost him his life. Selecting a fresh bottle from the shelf he jammed it into his almost full sheep.