Are Togasters Intelligent?

This question was recently proposed to myself by my other self, who is not essentially me but who cannot be scientifically proven not to be me so is also known as me to most others. Open minded individuals will simply accept him as Dave. He insisted that the implications of intelligent toasters existing are phenomenal. Toasters could learn how to read, write and talk and eventually be integrated into human society and culture.

Sceptics remain sceptical.

The first evidence that toasters could have intelligence was proposed by P.Armstrong who argued that `Microsoft did not make them therefore they must function`. Pete argued that functionality was an important criteria in all living beings. I had to disagree with this point stating logically that Adrian Streather was an example of a living being that does not function in a normal manner. My evidence for this was based on his apathetic, sluggish behaviour and inability to cook sausages properly.

Rick Webber, our leading electrician, recently carried out a series of electrical tests on the toaster and concluded, with the use of five Van De Graff generators and a mile of superconducting wire, that the toaster was not plugged in. How this would seem to suggest any significant sentient behaviour is beyond comprehension. This forms the basis of Rick's argument. He argues that we would not be able to understand his theory if he had one therefore he does not need one. I said that if this was true then it could be proven that his mother was a fish. He said `She is, she is in a multitude of different realities and her body is in a state of equilibrium in accordance with Stec's Law.

Stec's law was developed by me and states that:

If the number zero can be mathematically proven to be equal to
one then anything in the universe can be proven to be anything else.

By far the most convincing evidence comes from studying the life of Adolph Hitler. He did not ever say anything about toasters possibly being alive. This would seem to suggest that there has been a cover up, and that the Nazis were using intelligent toasters to infiltrate allied fortifications and to spy on British breakfast habits, hoping to strengthen their army by nutritional methods. This must have failed, or we'd all be listening to happy hardcore and munching on bratwurst. Jon Nickson, another resident scientist, believes that toasters have built their own cities on the moon and are preparing for a full scale invasion. They will weaken us by causing all toasters currently inhabiting the Earth to cease to function, they will, in effect be instructed to commit suicide. This will prevent us from manufacturing toast based defences, the only known protection against toasters. These are based on the fact that crumbs accumulate in the bottom of toasters after a period of exposure to toast rendering them inoperable.

This concludes my research into sentient toasters.

I am not a Nazi