The Golden Q

There once was a Star Trek Captain that had four officers, the youngest of whom was called Simplekim. He was scorned and despised by the others and kept in the background of all the really good episodes.

One day, the Captain asked her first officer, Chakotay, to investigate an asteroid belt for traces of a rare element the ship needed. The Captain gave him a shuttle and thermos full of some of her real Columbian coffee. Standing in the shuttle bay, Chakotay gripped the Captain by her shoulders, drew her close, and whispered intensely, "Before I go Kathryn, there's just one thing I've got to know."

"What is it Chakotay?" She stared up into his deep brown eyes, body swaying close to his. Her lips parted.

His face inches from her own, he murmured, "What am I looking for?"

"Oh, Chakotay," She sighed. "It's a good thing you're so handsome." With that she sent him off into the asteroid belt.

Chakotay navigated carefully through the asteroid belt. Just as he was about to start scanning for the rare element, a strange, sarcastic man appeared in the shuttle's co-pilot seat.

"Hey, Chuckles!" said the man. "What's in the thermos? May I have some?"

"Share my real Columbian coffee with you? Puh-leeze!" Chakotay answered. "Now, do you mind? Flying through an asteroid belt is tricky!"

"Fine, be that way." The man pouted. Then he pointed out the window and shouted, "Look, it's the Goodyear Blimp!"

"Where?" Chakotay said looking up just as a large asteroid swung into the shuttle's path.

The next day, the Captain found Chakotay, the wrecked shuttle, and an empty thermos drifting through the asteroid belt. After listening to his report, she shook her head in disgust. "Chakotay, I can't believe you wrecked another shuttle!" The Captain pursed her lips and looked him up and down. "It's a good thing you haven't gotten fat like Paris. Confine yourself to my quarters."

"Yes, Ma'am!" Chakotay said as he sprinted out the door.

So, she ordered her second officer, Tom Paris, to take the last shuttle out into the asteroid belt to find the rare element the ship needed. Like Chakotay, she gave him a thermos full of real Columbian coffee. And, like Chakotay, a strange, sarcastic man suddenly appeared beside him in the shuttle as Tom carefully navigated the asteroid belt.

"Yo, Helmboy!" The strange man said. "How's about sharing some of that brew with me?"

"Brew?" Paris said. "I didn't bring any beer... Oh, you mean the coffee. Hell no! I need that coffee to stay alert."

"Hey," The strange man pointed out the window. "Do you see three naked Orion Slave girls with a giant tub of cool whip on that asteroid?"

"WHERE!" Paris shouted, leaping out of his seat and shoving the strange man to the floor in his haste to get to the window. Unnoticed by Paris, a very large asteroid loomed before the shuttle.

"Well, crud." The Captain said the next day when they rescued Paris and the empty thermos from asteroid belt. "That was our last shuttle." She turned to the third officer, "Tuvok, I want you to take an EVA suit and the golf cart and go scan the asteroid belt."

"Do I appear stupid to you, Captain?" Tuvok replied. "Let Simplekim do it."

The Captain tried giving Tuvok THE LOOK but he had already taken shelter behind the security station. "Fine!" She muttered. "Simplekim! Go scan the asteroid belt!"

"Huh? Wha... " Said Simplekim. He had fallen asleep at the Ops station. He surreptitiously wiped at the large puddle of drool on the top of his console. "I've already said my line. But, I can say it again. *Captain! We're detecting traces of -* "

"Simplekim!" Interrupted the Captain. "I want you to take an EVA suit and the golf cart and go scan the asteroid belt."

"You want me to go on an away mission? Alone? This is so cool!" A very exciting prospect, thought Simplekim, even though the EVA suit would undoubtedly wreck his hair. Still, he was so very sleepy. "Captain, can I have some coffee for the mission? I'm awfully tired."

"I'm out of coffee." The Captain snapped. She waved him out the door impatiently. "Now get going would you? I've got to go reprimand Chakotay again."

So poor Simplekim had to make do with a thermos of Neelix's imitation coffee but he scooted away in his golf cart with good cheer. When he reached the asteroid belt, like the others, the strange, sarcastic man appeared next to him in the golf cart.

"Whoa! Where did you come from?" Simplekim said. "And why aren't you wearing an EVA suit?"

"I'm Q," he replied. "I don't need no stinkin' suit. Can I have some of your coffee?"

"Well, sure." Said Simplekim, for he was a generous soul. "But, it's only Neelix's imitation coffee."

"That's what you think!" Q said, opening the thermos to reveal perfectly brewed, real Columbian coffee. Blobs of the coffee started to drift out into space. "Oops!" Q started sucking up the floating bubbles of coffee like a hoover vacuum. "You want some Simplekim?"

"Ah, no." Simplekim said, considering that there was no way for him to drink the coffee without taking off his helmet. "You can have it."

"As you have a good heart and are willing to share your coffee, I will give you good luck." Q said. "There floats an asteroid. Blast it apart with your phaser and you will find something at the core."

So, Simplekim did as he was told and at the heart of the asteroid he saw something glowing. It was an action figure that looked just like Q with an independent arching eyebrow, kung foo grip, and a full compliment of accessories. Not only that but, the entire thing was made of gold.

"Hey," Simplekim said, starting to play with the arching eyebrow. "This is pretty neat!"

"Just between you and me," Q said. "I'm getting a percentage on every one sold! My agent just worked wonders in my last negotiation with Paramount. Have your people call my people and I'll hook you up."

With that, Q disappeared leaving Simplekim alone in the golf cart. He made his way back to the ship with his treasure. He was met in the airlock by B'Elanna and two other people from engineering, Ensign Vorik and Joe Carrey.

"Simplekim!" B'Elanna called out in greeting. "Did you get what we needed?"

"Uh, no.. " Simplekim said slowly, but held his golden Q out to show B'Elanna. "But I did get this!"

"I can't believe you screwed up such a simple mission. Okay, well, maybe I do. What the hell is that anyway." B'Elanna growled, grabbing roughly for the figure. But when she touched the golden Q, her hand stuck fast and she could not get away.

Joe Carrey started to snicker and point. "I never knew you were so ATTACHED to Simplekim, B'Elanna!"

B'Elanna lunged for Carrey, dragging Simplekim behind her, and managed to get a hold of his collar. "How funny is this you filthy... !" She started to scream in his face only to realize that now her other hand was stuck fast to Carrey. She considered head butting him but thought better of it.

"Well, this is just peachy," Carrey sighed. "The only thing better than this would be a swift kick in the ass."

"I find this request illogical," Ensign Vorik said. "But I frequently find human behavior puzzling." He walked up to Carrey and kicked him.

"Well, that was brilliant." B'Elanna said sarcastically, watching Vorik trying to keep his balance on one foot. Vorik's other foot was stuck fast to Carrey's behind. "Boy, I'm really sorry I didn't marry you, Einstein."

"Well, at least I'm not getting fat!" Vorik retorted.

"Why you- " B'Elanna struggled to get her hands free.

"That's it!" Simplekim interrupted. "I'm taking you all to sickbay." With that, he tucked the golden Q under one arm and strode rapidly through the door and down the hallway. B'Elanna and Carrey stumbled along behind him as best they could. Vorik hopped frantically on his one free foot at the end of the procession.

On their way, they passed Neelix, who called out, "I say, Vorik, that's really a most un-Vulcan method of locomotion. Let me give you a hand." Before anyone could protest, Neelix had taken Vorik's elbow. No sooner had he touched him than he felt himself held fast and was forced to join the procession.

Soon the group passed Tuvok. "Mr. Tuvok, help us please!" Neelix exclaimed in panic. He grabbed Tuvok's hand as he whipped by.

"Don't touch me." Tuvok said but, it was too late. His hand was stuck fast and he was forced to stagger along behind Simplekim like the rest. He said calmly, "Mr, Neelix, I am going to kill you."

By and by they reached the sickbay. Now in the sick bay lived a Emergency Medical Hologram known as the EMH Mark I. He had a beautiful protegee, known as Seven of Nine, who was so solemn and full of herself that she never laughed. So, Doc had proclaimed that whoever could make her laugh would be the first one to kiss her. As Simplekim entered the sickbay followed by four angry crew members and a hopping Vorik, Seven burst into fits of laughter and seemed as if she would never stop.

"Oh god, I think I just wet myself! Seven giggled, falling down on a bio bed and wiping ineffectively at the tears streaming from her eyes. "If you people could just see yourself, really!"

"Hey, does this mean I get to kiss Seven?" Simplekim said. "Hubba Hubba!"

"That's not funny at all!" Seven exclaimed and burst into tears of sorrow.

"Now see here, Mr Simplekim," said the EMH. "I think perhaps you misunderstood the terms of my offer." Now, Simplekim had not misunderstood the offer but, the EMH didn't like the idea of Simplekim kissing his beautiful protegee so he was searching for excuses. "I believe the offer was if you made Seven laugh and the terms of your contract permitted-"

"Screw that!" B'Elanna interrupted. "Can you do something about this, please!"

"Certainly," the EMH replied. He walked over to B'Elanna and injected her with a hypospray full of sedatives. She slumped limply, hanging from Joe Carrey's collar by her stuck hand. The EMH sighed with satisfaction and looked up at the rest of the officers. "Who's next?"

"Oh no, take your time-" "I think I hear the Captain calling us-" "Why don't you start with Neelix-" They tittered collectively, moving around as best they could to hide behind Simplekim.

"Well then, where was I." The EMH continued. "Ah, yes, the terms of your contract specifically allow for you to ogle Seven, to stammer when you're talking to her, to let her beat you up when she feels like it, and to endure ribbing about your crush on her but, in no way does it allow for you to kiss her. Isn't that right, Brannon?"

Brannon Braga walked into the sick bay. "That's absolutely right." He crossed his arms and glared at Simplekim. "Frankly, I'm surprised you're trying to get away with this nonsense, Simplekim."

"Why do I feel like I'm getting the shaft here?" Simplekim muttered. Then he thought of Q, who might be able to help him. Lifting the golden Q, he whispered into the figure's ear. Suddenly, the figure changed to become the real Q and the previously trapped officers were freed. Carrey and Vorik bolted from the room while B'Elanna snored peacefully on the floor and Tuvok started choking Neelix in the corner.

"I can't believe you two are trying to keep Simplekim from kissing Seven!" Q snapped his fingers. "I'm calling my agent!"

Q's agent appeared, dressed in loud, plaid pants, a polo shirt, and a ridiculous hat. "Q! I told you never to call me on the golf course!" He waved his putter for emphasis.

"Never mind that." Q said firmly. Pulling his agent over, he whispered in his ear.

"You're kidding!" The agent said, horrified. "We'll see about that... " He walked over to Brannon and threw an arm around his shoulder. The two conversed quickly in hushed tones.

"Don't worry, " Q said to Simplekim. "It's in the bag." Seven looked horrified and assumed a position of prayer.

"Well," said the now beaming agent. "I think big B and I have worked something out. Simplekim gets to kiss Seven but, it's one time only, it's during a dream sequence, and at the end of the dream Seven turns into a really scary ugly alien."

"Are you going to put up with this?" Q demanded of Simplekim.

"Hey, works for me." Simplekim said. He gave himself a quick squirt of breath freshener and walked over to Seven. "Give me some Sugar, baby."

"Humans." Q said in disgust. "Hey, you guys up for another round of golf?" At their nod, he snapped his fingers and he, his agent and Brannon disappeared.

So, the EMH could no longer withhold his offer from Simplekim and was forced to allow him to kiss Seven during "Waking Moments". After that, Simplekim had Neelix embroider "Ensign Stud" on his uniform and Seven decided to remain a scary ugly looking alien because the costume was more comfortable than her cat suit.

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