"My chief engineer is dead." The Captain said with her hands on her hips. "What the hell has that got to do with anything?"
"Oh, um... " The Maquis said, trying to think fast. "My chief engineer can turn leola roots into dilithium crystals using a tricorder"
"Now this I gotta see," said the Captain. "If your chief engineer is as skillful as you say she is, bring her to cargo bay three tonight and I will put her to the test."
Accordingly, when B'Elanna was brought to cargo bay three, the Captain showed her that it was quite full of leola roots. The Captain gave her a tricorder and smirked, "Now, get to work. If between tonight and tomorrow at dawn you have not turned these leola roots to dilithium crystals using that tricorder- "
"There's no dawn in space," B'Elanna interrupted.
"Whatever," the Captain said. "I want the crystals in 12 hours or you're working for Joe Carrey all the way home."
"NOOOOO! B'Elanna howled, as the Captain left the cargo bay and locked the cargo door behind her. God I need a smoke, the Captain thought.
In the cargo bay, B'Elanna pounded on the doors with both fists and screamed "Chakotay, I'll get you for this!" Finally, her fists started to hurt so she plopped down on a pile of roots and began to weep. She had no idea how to change leola roots into dilithium crystals. Not only that, but the batteries on the tricorder were low.
All at once the door to one of the jefferies tubes flew open and a tubby little man with orange hair and a tacky shantung Nehru jacket crawled out. He said, "Good evening, Mistress Engineer. Why are you weeping so?"
"What the hell are you?" B'Elanna growled.
"I'm a Talaxian," sniffed the little man in an injured tone. "And I'm only trying to help."
"Well, I suppose you can't make things any worse," B'Elanna muttered.
After she had told the Talaxian her woes, he grinned smugly and said, "I'm a trader, what kind of commission will you give me if I trade you dilithium crystals for these roots?"
He has got to be the dumbest trader in the galaxy, thought B'Elanna. She held out the tricorder and hoped he wouldn't notice the flashing "Low Battery" indicator. "How about this shiny new tricorder?"
"Neat-o!" The Talaxian exclaimed. SUCKER, thought B'Elanna, and they made the trade.
The next morning the Captain came and when she saw the crystals she started trembling with excitement. I have got to try the nicotine patch or something, she thought.
"B'Elanna, you rock!" The Captain said. "But, it's a long way to the Alpha Quadrant. We're gonna need more crystals than that."
The Captain took B'Elanna to cargo bay two which was bigger than cargo bay three and had even more leola roots in it. "I want you to change all of these roots to crystals too or I'll make you work for Joe Carrey all the way home."
"Oh man," B'Elanna whined. "That's so unfair."
"Yes, sir, Lieutenant Carey. No, sir, Lieutenant Carrey." The Captain mimicked cruelly.
"This is such a bummer," B'Elanna sighed. "Can I have another tricorder? One with a new battery?"
"What did you do with the first one?" The Captain snapped.
"Uh, my dog ate it?"
"Yeah, sure it did." But the Captain gave her a new tricorder anyway and locked her in cargo bay two. Klingons! She thought as she stalked away and muttered to herself, "Where is that poor Maquis rebel? I bet he has something to smoke. . . "
Back in the cargo bay two, B'Elanna had thrown herself face down on the pile of leola roots and began to weep. Then the door to the jefferies tube sprang open and the little Talaxian crawled out again.
Damn, thought B'Elanna, why didn't I remember to use those tubes.
"Hey!" The Talaxian shouted accusingly. "That doo-hickey you gave me yesterday stopped working! What gives?"
"You must have broken it!" B'Elanna said, struggling to keep a straight face. "How about if you trade me more dilithium crystals for these leola roots and I'll throw in a new tricorder?"
"Deal!" The Talaxian shouted happily. That was too easy, thought B'Elanna.
The next morning, the Captain was delighted at the sight of the masses of dilithium crystals but was not yet satisfied that they had enough to get back to the Alpha Quadrant. So, she took B'Elanna to cargo bay one, the largest cargo bay the ship had, which was chock full of leola roots. The Captain said, "If you change all of these roots into dilithium crystals I will make you my chief engineer and I will make the poor Maquis a Concubine- I mean Commander." She had tracked down Chakotay last night and, as she suspected, he had something very fine indeed to smoke. Very very fine.
Well, crap, thought B'Elanna. She asked, "Can I have another tricorder?"
"What's with you and the tricorders?" The Captain said suspiciously. "If you can't keep better track of your equipment I won't buy you anymore!" With that she stamped out of the cargo bay and locked the doors behind her. She pulled a pack of Marlborough's from her sleeve, lit one, and took a deep drag. "Oh baby," she purred.
Back in cargo bay one, B'Elanna paced the floor. She was at her wit's end. "That's it, I'm outta here!" She ranted and headed for the jefferies tube hatch. But, just before she reached it, out crawled the Talaxian. I'm getting sick of this guy, she thought.
"Hi-Di-Ho Neighbor!" Exclaimed the little man. "I say, there's a whole lot of roots in this bay. Care to make another trade?"
"Well, duh!" B'Elanna said. "But, I'm fresh out of tricorders for the commission."
"Let me see here," the Talaxian considered. "How about if I trade you crystals for these roots, I get to live on this ship too?"
"It's a deal!" Once I make the trade, I'll ditch him, thought B'Elanna, this is like taking candy from a baby.
When the Captain came in the next morning and saw all the crystals, she was so overjoyed that she immediately promoted B'Elanna to chief engineer and then disappeared with Chakotay for several hours to "discuss his new duties". B'Elanna promptly ran down to engineering to taunt Joe Carrey.
The whole crew was very happy with this arrangement (except for Joe Carrey). Several idyllic weeks followed where the Captain and Chakotay were almost never to be found so the crew pretty much did what they pleased. Then, one day, after a fun afternoon where security officer Tuvok did his impressions of Captain Kirk and pilot Tom Paris amused them by buzzing some pre-warp societies, they encountered a strange little ship.
B'Elanna was on the bridge at the time and she gasped in horror as the little Talaxian came on the view screen.
"Greetings roomies!" He shouted happily. "I'm here to join your crew!"
"Captain, you'd better get out here," Tom whispered into the com. A minute later, the captain wandered out of her ready room in a cloud of smoke. She was wearing Chakotay's uniform and had a chocolate chip cookie in one hand and a margarita in the other.
"This had better be good." She warned. "Hey, are those nachos?"
"Captain," said B'Elanna urgently, stepping in front of the platter of nachos to shield them from view. "I promised this guy he could live on the ship with us but I didn't really think he'd be able to catch us."
"Why should I let you stay with us?" The Captain asked the Talaxian, giving B'Ellanna the heavy duty skunk eye. B'Elanna fell weeping to the floor, exposing the nachos. "Dude," sighed the Captain. "Pass the salsa."
"Well, Captain," said the little man, ignoring the fact that her back was to him as she scarfed down the snacks. "I was expecting a little warmer welcome than this. How about if I give you a chance to get out of the deal?
"Mmphg," mumbled the Captain around a mouth full of cheese.
"Great!" He chirped. "I'll give you three chances to guess my name. If you guess it, I'll leave. If you don't, I get to be your ship's cook."
"Mmphg!" The Captain said, reaching desperately for her margarita.
"Nope!" The Talaxian said cheerfully. "Next guess!"
"How about "Urkle"?" Offered Tom. "You kind of talk like him."
"Wrong again," he said. "But, thank you, I think."
Just then, B'Elanna noticed the word's "Neelix's Love Bus" stenciled on the side of the little man's ship. She raised her hand and shouted, "Ooh! Ooh! I know! It's- "
"John Jacob Jingle Heimmer Schmidt." Tuvok interrupted.
The entire bridge turned and stared incredulously at Tuvok. The Vulcan shrugged, "His name is my name too."
"Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!" Neelix cackled. "I'm coming aboard now and, boy, have I got a lot of tasty leola root to prepare for you! There's my leola root casserole, leola root pudding, leola root ala Neelix... "
"I am SO outta here." The Captain said, stalking back into her ready room. As the doors slid shut, they heard her shout, "Chakotay! Get out of my panty drawer!"
So, the crew had to eat Neelix's food for the rest of their journey home and subsequently took turns taping "kick me" signs to B'Elanna and Tuvok's backs.
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