One More Thing to Learn by realstone2002©

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It's been six months since the incident with the Chinese ghost (fox spirit). Six months to work out what the hell was wrong with me. Six months to acknowledge my true feelings.

I don't know when I began to merge my empathy for Ga Ziyan (fox spirit) with my anger at Derek for making love to Mei Ling. He never told me that he did, she never said a word or threw a hint in my direction. But I knew.

I know it now, and I knew it that night sitting in the control room scanning documents until the muscles across the back of my shoulders burned. I knew, as each second click away in every time zone around the globe. I knew, because Derek didn't make his nightly visit to the control room. I knew, because of the hunger in his eyes.

Earlier that night, I'd met Derek on the stairs and told him I would complete my search in the morning. He mumbled a quick okay, his mind clearly elsewhere. In disbelief, I watched him walk toward the guestroom given to Mei Ling.

Stretched across my bed unable to sleep, I told myself it didn't matter what Derek did. It was his house, his life. He was a grown man. They are both adults neither needing a keeper. I told myself it wasn't my business what either did at 2 a.m. in the morning, with or to each other. I told myself these things as I left my room and walked down the hallway to, the room. I told myself these things as I stood before the bedroom door, all my home training out the window. Rose would have thumped my hinny if she'd seen me.

I stood there in the dark silence listening for the whispers between lovers as they explore each other's bodies. My mind filled with what might be happening between them. Her body entwined with his. His arms, pulling her close. His face buried in her hair as he whispers how good her skin smells, how soft her skin feels. Her soft sighs as he groans his release.

A door shut somewhere in the house and I jumped back feeling foolish and stupid. Embarrassed by my lack of control, I slunk to the control room. Where I sat at my computer until I found what we were looking for. Feeling exonerated I called the Legacy courier service which made an early trip to the newspaper archives. They delivered the article in time for the morning's planning session.

I left the control room with enough time for a shower and a quick breakfast. I entered the dinning room completely in control of my feeling. All thoughts of what "I" thought had happen last night gone from my mind. So I thought. I was wrong. The moment I stepped through the doorway and saw Derek and Mei Ling beaming at each other, I lost my appetite and my control. I left the room feeling like a teenager left alone in the middle of the dance floor. I decided to wait for the others in the conference room, giving myself time to regroup. There, I put all my focus on Ga Ziyan. Out of sight of Derek it didn't take long to get a handle on my feelings. I was totally pleasant to Mei when she Nick walked in and joined me at the table. Then Derek strolls in with Rachel, wearing this incredible smile. It had been weeks since he'd looked that comfortable. Satisfied.

I made myself concentrate on the document that had brought us together, a newspaper article about three Chinese men hang in ____ San Francisco. One of these men so important in the fox spirits life that she risked eternal punishment to avenge his death. Regret and anger at how callous human beings can be flared inside me. Anger at people who would hang a human being for looking different, sounding different than them. Anger at Derek for sporting a grin that announced he enjoyed a night of something I hadn't had in...damn. When was the last time I'd made love...or just been kissed?

Surrounded by the group, I worked hard to be clear in my thinking, to do the job. I tried. I failed. From the moment Derek opened his mouth and challenged my view on why the fox spirit was expressing her anger through violence. I know that killing for revenge is never right, never justified. But at gut level I empathized with her. Ga Ziyan (fox spirit) had lived in a time when being female and a member of a marginalized minority meant being invisible. She needed justice for Tong Wau's murder. For what she would never have, love, marriage, children, and immortality in the eyes of her grandchildren. Revenge was the only way she knew. In the past Ga Ziyan had been powerless to protect or avenge. Now as a vengeful spirit she had all the power she needed.

Now, I realized that I too sought to avenge perceived wrong on several levels. I'd felt betrayed by Derek's brief thing with Mei. I felt belittled, when he questioned the validity of my opinion, in front of her. All in my mind, I know, but nonetheless very real to me at the time.

When I recall Rachel's words to me after I had stormed out to the room, I realize that she was right. "Anger, it's a good tool. A great...it cuts through a lot of stuff, but Alex, you've got to be careful. It's a double-edged sword. If you use it aimlessly you're going to cut yourself."

It's taken me six months to engrain that into my psyche. To admit that only part of my anger was for the fox spirit. The remainder my unrequited feelings for Derek Rayne. Now, I just have to figure out, what I'm going to do about it.

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