Scully's Choice by Leigh Alexander leigh_xf@geocities.com First posted: March 10, 1999 RATING: R for language and situations CATEGORY: VRA SPOILERS: None KEYWORDS: Mulder/Scully romance SUMMARY: A cruel choice has pulled Scully away from her partner. Can time heal the wound? DISCLAIMERS: 1) Dana and Fox belong to Chris and Ten Thirteen Productions and the other Fox. Absolutely *no* copyright infringement is intended - I'm not doing this for money, I'm doing it for love. I *love* these characters, I wouldn't want to hurt them! :) 2) OK to archive, but if it's going anywhere other than Gossamer, please drop me a line just so I can keep track. 3) Feel free to distribute and discuss this, as long as my name and addy remain attached. INTRO: This story has its genesis in two very different stories: Jill Selby's fanfic, "Mediocrity's Allure" and William Styron's novel, "Sophie's Choice". It was Jill's exploration of the dichotomy between Scully the agent and Scully the doctor that started me thinking about a different kind of dilemma that she could be faced with. A "Sophie's Choice" type situation where she was forced to make a choice between two things of equal emotional value. And if I say any more then there'd be no point reading the story. :) I want to thank Melissa and Meredith for their help with this story. Melissa came through yet again for me; the ever- reliable editor who never seems to baulk at my last minute requests for editing help. And without Meredith's tweaking and suggestions, the ending would have been shit and the body pretty ordinary. So thank you both. ------------------------------------------------------------- Scully's Choice ------------------------------------------------------------- According to the trees, it was autumn. However, the sun believed otherwise, radiating an intense heat that caused the air to shimmer and thicken. It was the kind of warmth that quickly slid into the territory of discomfort and the fact that it was present in the middle of October made the sweaty heat all the more unwelcome. Crisp, orange leaves fluttered gently to the ground, falling into the cloying silence that accompanied their descent into the hellish heat. Scully's steps were also muted by the humid temperature. Which meant that she was able to draw nearer before he became aware of her presence. Giving her eyes and mind the chance to absorb the sight and sensation that greeted her. His back was still broad and strong, yet it sagged with an unfamiliar hunch that invoked so many miserable thoughts in her inky heart that she had to forcefully push her eyes towards some other point of focus. His hair - her gaze leapt upwards, grasping it with the desperation that she had exiled from her hands - was as thick as ever, only now it was flecked with strands of grey. It suited him. That wickedly apt cliche was as true for Mulder as it was for most men: it made him appear distinguished. Not old, never old. Scully stood and stared. Churning, ugly thoughts fought a battle with the rose-coloured memories that were finally forcing their way out from behind the barricades. Her eyelids sank shut while her throat closed around his name, unable to draw attention to herself as the memories duelled loudly in her ears and in her head. -------------- "Scully, I need your help!" "Mulder!" "Help me...!" A child's cry. "Bonnie?" Oh God. "Scully?! The room's on fire - I'm locked in! Scully!!" Increasing desperation fuelled his voice. She heard his panic and she knew its cause. She could smell the smoke, could imagine it filling his resistant lungs. "Please... I want my mommy. It's burning! Please... help me, someone." Bonnie's cries weaved their way through the chambers of the unfamiliar house, landing decisively in Scully's ear and pulling the female agent's body one way just as yet another cry from her partner tugged her in the opposite direction. God. What should she do? How could she save them both? -------------- "You're leaving the X-Files?" The question was asked with the degree of incredulity that he usually reserved for jokes about her love life. It couldn't happen. It didn't factor into the equation he'd finally set down for his life. One plus one equalled two, and Scully and he would always work together on the X-Files. "No." She closed the box and started writing on it with a marker, avoiding his gaze at all costs. "I'm leaving the FBI." She directed her attention to the filing cabinet to her right. He stood staunchly on her left side. "Scully... Is this about what happened in Wilmington?" He tried to soften his voice, but knew that he hadn't succeeded when her back stiffened and her lips remained pressed together in mute response. Mulder walked around her desk so that he was standing in front of her. She turned on her heel and lifted the box. "Goodbye Mulder." There was a torn fragment of a sigh hiding behind her hardened tone but the words were issued in a voice that brooked no argument. Which Mulder promptly ignored. Even as she resolutely walked the length of the office to the door, he still struggled to keep her from leaving. "You can't blame yourself for that, Scully." She kept moving, so he kept talking. "You made the right choice..." He wanted to say more; he wanted to tell her that no decision would have been right, but whichever path she had ended up following *had* to be the right choice if she wanted to live with it. He wanted to tell her that he would have run in the same direction that she had; that he would have shot open that door with the exact same degree of desperation and precision that she had. But none of that came out. With futility he repeated the only thought he could grasp. "You made the right choice..." Words that destroyed their relationship forever. Her shoulders sagged and she whispered his comment in an unhappy echo. "I made the right choice..." Weakly, she twisted her torso so that she could at least make eye contact with him, even as the rest of her body faced the exit. "Because I saved you?" It was a question, but she gave him no time to reply. She swallowed and spoke the words again. "Because I saved you... a little girl died." Her eyes underlined every syllable. And she was gone. Leaving Mulder to stare desolately at the space she had left. The gaping hole that left his world suddenly, irrevocably, empty. -------------- OhmyGod-Mulder's in trouble-Bonnie needs help-the house is too big-I don't know where she is-smoke-he's calling again- burning-I need to help him-I need to help her-where the fuck is everyone?-why am I the only one here?-that bastard-he did that to a little girl-she's shouting now-she's in pain-my gun-both-how can I save both-too far apart-it's not possible- choose-Dana for fuck's sake-choose-can't-Mulder-Bonnie-I have to save her-she's so little-she needs me-oh God-he's screaming-Mulder-forgive me-Mulder-Mulder-Mulder-Mulder-- --God have mercy on me-- -------------- She went to the funeral. Bad idea. She hung back but the mother saw her all the same. Scully knew it was grief that slapped her, but it didn't make the pain any less wrenching. "How could you let my baby die? How could you do this to me? You're supposed to save them, the babies... You're supposed to protect innocent people. Why didn't you save her?" The woman's face was a puffy mess from days of unstoppable tears. The shrieking accusations flew through the air, every one of them slicing into Scully's skin like blades. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She tried to retreat, stepping softly back, sensing the sacriliege of arguing in God's house, but the woman's fingers clung to her like steel. "I'm sorry..." Suddenly, the grieving mother's demeanour changed. A genuine confusion slipped into her eyes as she surveyed the person standing in front of her. "How could you do it?" A sob crashed through the agent, escaping with burning ferocity. Her eyes welled with tears that tumbled down her cheek, then welled again. "I'm sorry." Scully wrenched her arm from the woman's grip and spun away. In fast, faltering steps, she strode down the aisle and shoved the door open. Her walk became a lurch as she ran away from her accusor and practically fell into her car. Shaking hands and blurry vision notwithstanding, Scully managed to steer herself out of the parking lot and speed home. All the while, her thoughts drumming out one burning question. -------------- "Don't do this, Scully." A long pause as he waited. "Pick up the phone." She stared at the answering machine. "Give it up, Mulder," she replied dully. Eventually, he hung up with a slam. She took another gulp of her drink and willed oblivion nearer. -------------- A kiss. A single fucking kiss. As if the gods had set out to once and for all prove to her just how right she had always been, the kiss had been their undoing. As she'd always suspected it would be. After six long celibate years of wooing, they had finally allowed the line to be smudged. The walls had dropped and they'd invited each other in. To kiss and be kissed. To revel in an intimacy they'd kept so long at bay. To laugh in love, to share in love... to be in love. It had been at her apartment; the case had been long and draining. They had fought more harshly than usual, had clung more tightly to their respective theories; no concessions had been bought or sold on either side. And they had been closer than ever. Words were offered and accepted. Emotions had flowed from each pair of eyes. Testing. Confirming. Then, with a beguiling grin, Mulder had brought his lips to hers. A perfect kiss. A perfect moment. Shattered with a child's cry. -------------- He came to her apartment, but she'd been expecting him. She'd already changed the locks and would only let him talk to her from the other side of the wooden barrior. "You're not going to let me in?" She shook her head, no sound emerging from her raw, scratched throat. "Scully..." She heard the layers of emotion in his voice. The frustration, sorrow, grief, longing, anger, hurt - all bundled into the tight two-tone of her name. "Scuh" was for anger, hurt and frustration, but in "llee..." came the grief and the sorrow. "Please... I need to talk to you." "You can talk." She was hunched up on the floor with her head tilting against the door. "I want to see you." A succession of noises told her that he had sunk down and was mimicking her position. She closed her eyes and breathed in the uncomplicated air that separated them. "You can't see me, Mulder. I can't see you..." Her fingers reached up and caressed the door. "Not until I'm ready." "When will that be?" Were those tears in his words? She gulped down the word he didn't want to hear. The word that was ricocheting through her neurons. Never. "I don't know..." "We have to talk about this, Scully. I'm just as responsible as you are for what happened..." His whisper crept under the door with soft steps. "I can't--" Whatever he'd wanted to say was suddenly lost. "I want to be with you, Scully. I want to help you." A moment later, he added, "I want you to help me-- " "You have to go now." She pulled herself to her feet and moved away from the door. To drown out his shouts, she walked straight into the bathroom and turned on the faucet. Hard. Water gushed into the bath as she stripped her clothes off. Her mind went blank. She became deaf to his voice. -------------- Scully stared at him while he stared in the other direction. He was expecting her to approach him from the steps, not knowing that she had been waiting inside for the last two hours. Waiting for him to come. Her gaze remained painted to his shoulderblades, her legs cemented to the ground. She couldn't move. It had been three years since she'd left him and in her frantic haste to adjust to not seeing him every single day she'd almost succeeded in wiping him completely out of her memories. Almost. She took a step forward, but still he didn't hear her. Before, if she'd been within twenty feet of him, his Scully- radar would have sensed her - would have turned to greet her. With a smile, or a shrug, or with words spilling out of his mouth with a haste bred from so many years of having no-one who listened. Today, he didn't hear her; his attention so fixed on the path in front of him that he was completely oblivious to her presence behind him. It made her hesitate. She stopped and again chose silence and stillness over a rush of movement and words. It would be so easy to turn back. All it would take would be a tiny movement on her body's part. A swivel, a lightly placed foot followed by another soft step... and she would be gone. Forever. Their six-year partnership erased for good. The connection severed, the man forgotten. No. Scully inhaled a gulp of the still, hot air. No, she couldn't do that. God knows, she had tried. The last few years were a blur of different places and different people - her feeble attempts to move on, by moving away. And away. Until eventually she had come full circle, returning to her place of origin like a lost homing pigeon finally finding its way home. Back to Mulder. She took another step forward. "I'm here." It was half-whisper, half-croak. He swivelled around so quickly she feared he would fall. Then, when she saw his face, she suspected that she would be the one to tumble. He reached her in one quick stride then stopped, abruptly. His hand journeyed upwards, but remained absent from her skin. His lips mouthed her name, but no sound came out. Tears grew in his eyes and his gaze - a million questions bound within it - scraped over her face. But still he didn't touch her. After so many years they'd lost the ability to look. Their gazes met, bumped roughly against each other, and then darted quickly away. Only to come back again; seeking access, trying to hold on with that steady beat that had once been so natural. Finally it worked - they were in sync. Emotions shone out of tear-laden eyes. Time stretched, and broke; they were suspended in infinity. Scully reached out and clasped his hand with unerring accuracy. Her fingers wove their way around his and she squeezed tightly. Her move was his invitation; a second later she felt his palm against her jaw, his thumb grazing her cheek. He lowered his head until just their foreheads were touching, signalling a union of sorts as their hard heads nestled together with feather-like softness. Their lips close enough to speak, but not near enough to touch. "You're here..." He gently gave her words back to her. She nodded against his head. "I can't forget what happened, Mulder." "I understand." She pulled apart just a fraction so she could see his eyes. "... And I still can't forgive myself." He sucked in a breath, but said nothing. His other hand rose and rested against her cheek, thus encircling her face with his fingers. He waited for her to finish. "But I shouldn't have punished you, and I can't keep punishing myself." He regarded her steadily. "No more punishments." Her reply was to pull his head closer and capture his lips with her own. A tentative kiss that grew into a confirmation of their future. Tongues and mouths tangled as they sought to straighten out the rough edges of the past, to absolve each other of the pain and cruelty that had defined their lives for too many years. "I'm sorry..." Scully breathed the words into his mouth, squeezing the sentiment through her fingers which still clung tightly to his hand against her cheek. He moved his lips and caressed the rest of her face: her cheeks, her eyes, her nose. "Don't be." It was a command that was nuzzled into her skin, fed through her pores to the very essence of her soul. He withdrew slightly, allowing the stirring breeze to graze their faces. "No apologies, Scully... The past is over." She tilted her head away from him, her gaze narrowing on the people scurrying along the ground below them. Fat droplets of rain had begun to fall from the sky, lifting the humidity to an even more oppressive level, and few people were armed with umbrellas. Her eyes followed the fast-moving figure of a smartly dressed businesswoman. Scully saw herself in the tight lines of purpose in the woman's face. Herself... as she had been. Replaced by the directionless and untethered woman now bound within Mulder's arms. She turned back to face him and their connection was instantaneous. Their gazes locked solid as her words gently propelled them forwards. "Let's move on, then." Outside, the rain intensified, pelting the grass, the road and any fool that dared risk a quick dart from one overhang to another. The sweeping water drowned the sultry heat with a steady beat, while drenched, fallen leaves stuck to the sidewalk, reminding anyone who cared that the fall had begun. ~ THE END ~ ------------------------------------------------------------- Thanks for reading. Comments are welcome. leigh_xf@geocities.com